Remember the time when I said that I was in the process getting over Vance for some past weeks? Remember when I had said that I was obsessing about work and not him? Remember when I said, a couple days ago, that nothing else in life mattered because I didn't have Vance by my side?
I was a lying piece-of-shit.
But, I didn't realize it at first.
I was - some say - a drama queen. Life did mattered. A lot of things in life mattered. My parents mattered, my friends mattered, me working in an amazing cafe and having my dream job being in my reach mattered.
I - once again state - that I hadn't realized it at first. I was too caught up in 'love' (Ew). I was too caught up in my one dimensional feelings. Too caught up with a man that didn't even want a relationship with me. Too caught up in a fantasy world that was living inside my head. I had forgotten about my 'other life.' I had forgotten about what life could offer. I had forgotten all about my goals. I had forgotten that my graduation was one week away.
I was going to be a fucking chef.
Had I been so blinded by whatever shit Vance was throwing my way, that I had forgotten about that big milestone? It was actually ridiculous. It was funny. It was pure comedy because that exact thing happened.
Epiphany - That was the exact word that perfectly described how I was feeling when I woke up this morning. It was like a light switch flipped up.
Why should I be wasting my time crying in bed over a man that wanted nothing to do with me? - Which I had been doing before - Why would I spend my days overanalyzing every single thing that man said and replaying every single scene, in my head, with a man that wanted nothing to do with me?
Call the reporters. Call the journalists. Call fucking Jesus Christ himself. - I was having a fucking awakening.
Vance was just one person, during my long journey of life, that was just here to teach me a lesson. Teach me a lesson about falling in love with dumbass men? Teach me a lesson about heartbreak? Teach a lesson about cooking?
Yes, yup, and yeah.
And I was fine with it. I was going to become fine with it. I had a lot of life to live - cough. My heart would patch up with some time - I may need a lot of time - but I was going to get over him, this time for real. I was going to really try. I was going to move on with my life.
Moving on meant forgiving. I was going to forgive Vance for all that shit - would take me some time, but I needed to remember it wasn't good to harbor all of it around anyway. What good would that do me? He said he didn't want anything to do with me, made it very clear, so I needed to move on and forget him.
Could I actually?
I'll try. I'll really try. Erin being his damn sister and living with me was going to mess me up with the forgetting him plan, but I was going to try.
Try was the word for today.
No wait, it needed to be something greater than try. A will, a push, a- commitment.
I was committed to forgetting him. I was committed to getting over him. I was committed to moving on - committed to being with the people who actually loved me; my friends and family. Committed to being a hundred and ten percent focused on my job. Committed to enjoying life and to stop obsessing over one man.
Turning over a new leaf.
Turning a new page.
Taking the bloody pad off and inserting a tampon right up inside my vagina.
I was a new girl. A new born bitch. No longer wearing pads (Will probably forget this one in a week and just end up buy pads- but that wasn't the main point.)
Who was that knocking on the door? Oh Vance you say? Go choke on some Deer's antlers and die!
No, fuck, dammit. Do not go near any animals. My bad I mean't to think, you are no longer needed in my life. You're time of ruining my underwear, brain, and heart was over with.
I was moving the hell on.
Now who was that knocking on the door? Oh my goals, opportunities, and other loving relationships? Well come on the fuck in and get comfortable! I was going to heal. My life was already healing. My heart was on the way of healing. Everything was going to look up.
The whole morning I had a bright smile on my face. When I took a shower and got myself ready for school, I had a smile on my face. When Erin asked me if I was going to be okay today, I had the same smile present on my face and said I was going to try. Really hard. When I arrived at school, guess what? Same bright smile.
Now in my new cooking class, my smile started to dimmer. Not because I was thinking about the old times - okay only a little - but mostly because we were assigned a report. A cooking ending-the-year-off-strong essay. I always hated those things, the end of the class assignments. It meant that I had to ace them or I wouldn't be able to graduate. But luckily, me my studies were fine. I was passing all my classes and obsessing over a boy? It was crazy how fast my mind was moving back in the olden days. But I think I would do twice as good on this assignment because now, my mind would solely be focused on completing the essay.
A really good thing.
School flew by fast. That always happened during the approaching of school ending days. People zoomed by to talk last minute to their teachers about their grade. Zoomed by to catch other students in the hall to get their socials before school ended. Zoomed to the library and get a seat so they can have a nice, quiet place to study and finish work up the last minute.
Exactly what I was doing. The library was a little more crowded than usual, but I had already found a spot. Right after I got my lunch (Soup with an apple) I set myself on the path for the library because I knew what the outcome was going to be after twelve. In which most people, that time their classes usually ended.
My hands raised my shiny red apple to my mouth and I took a bite. The first bite was always the best bite. Had the most flavor and all. The first bite in anything, in all things, was important because it would determine if that person would go in for seconds or say: get that the fuck away from me.
It was like the honeymoon faze, in relationships. First few weeks: happy, no worries, sex is awesome and always hyper. Next few weeks after everyone settled in, after that: troubles, work, other feelings get involved, and the person is sending: get the fuck away from me signals. But since they made a promise to eachother - marriage - things were going to work out. Talks were going to be present. Communication would come. Privacy would be thought of. Jobs would be taken into account. Things would start to look up.
Or maybe not.
And if that was the case, then that just meant that it was someone else's job. Just meant it could be your own job. Just meant that something greater in life was waiting for you. Things would work out - with or without someone else.
That was the new attitude. That was the new plan. - Just live life.
Another bite from my apple was took then I put it down on its napkin and started to open up my laptop. My essay (report) that I had to turn in was about how cooking has influenced or shaped my life.
Cooking has done both. Mostly has shaped my life though. It changed how I see my hands - not just used for fingering myself, but could be used for exploring different recipes, exploring many different tastebuds, exploring many different types of ingredients from around the world. (Of course after a good wash of my hands). Cooking was my way of life. Cooking was how I expressed myself. Cooking was the one thing that would matter in my life forever.
All the words to describe how I felt about cooking were shining plainly in my head and my hands were moving twice as fast as I was trying to type it all, at my brain's speed. It was crazy how fast your mind went when you were thinking about something passionate, that you love. It was crazy how I was almost done with the whole essay in one seating and it has only been - I looked at my laptop's clock - four hours? Damn, I was here a while.
To show me a visual on how fast time was passing, my apple was now rotten. Well the part that I bit was rotten. Wasn't going to eat it anymore though since it hadn't looked good anymore. I looked back at the time and thought that it would just be an idea to start to head home anyway. I could finish the rest of the writing another time, which wasn't a lot to finish because I had already wrote most of it.
I threw the apple in the trash that was not far from me and gathered up the rest of my stuff. My stuff: books, laptop, and water. I yanked my bag on my shoulder and stood up from the table. And right when I was stood up on my two legs, I felt something breathing down my neck. Or should I say someone?
With my bag clutched on my side, I turned around to inform the person about personal space but then paused- Mad, confused, annoyed and uncomfortable were all the emotions that came inside me as I looked at who's hot breath was beating down my neck.
"Hi River." James said, standing too close for my comfort. I took a big step back and my eyes became hard.
Wished I still had that apple so I could throw it in his face. Throw it at his eye. He didn't need 20/20 vision. He didn't need to have vision because he had no right to even have a future. There was going to be no Wanda in his life. His future (in love) didn't need to go anywhere. He had already ruined mine.
It was an eye for an eye.
Shit, I was being childish. Yes he did ruin my future with Vance but maybe it was a blessing disguise? Maybe he pulled the curtain off at the right time so I wouldn't be even more exposed and embarrassed. Vance had said he didn't want a relationship with me at all, so maybe it was a good thing that things were cut off before I really started to get overly, overly, downright obsessed with the man.
It was a good thing that things had came to the light because I had a feeling at the rate we were going, we were going to get found out at one point. Caught by someone higher up. But still, that didn't excuse James from full-filling the unasked requested and ratting us out. He was part to blame for Vance getting fired too.
"Is there something you want, James?" My voice came out icy. Icy as the new Ivy Park collection.
He swallowed and his finger fidgeted down at his side. He looked nervous. "Yes, I want to first ask. . .how are you?"
A dumbass asked a dumbass question, what a surprise?
But how was I? I was feeling better than the last time Vance and I had a break. I was looking at life very differently. I think that I was good? Fuck it, I was good. "Fine." I said.
"That's good, that's good. How is the new class going?"
Was he playing a sick joke with me? Throwing it at my face? Saying that he was so damn happy that he ratted us out. That's what it felt like.
"James I am very busy right now because schools ending, classes, late assignments and all that. If you are just trying to have small talk, save it. I don't really want to talk to you." I started to turn my body in the direction of the exiting doors. "Goodnight."
"Wait- River, I'm sorry I'm just nervous. I knew you were going to be mad at me so I was just trying to conversant for a bit? Like the old times? before I start bringing up the messed up shit that I did."
Ugh, why was I such a good person? Why did my parents raise such a good person? My body inched back a little his way and I re-met his gaze. I had nothing better to do than just go home and watch re-runs of The Office. Maybe this would be as entertaining and I could get a couple laughs off my chest at James' so-so apology?
"Go on. . ." I got my mouth to say.
"First, okay so. . .I will admit to me being a little jealous. No, alotta jealous."
One word came to mind: Ew.
He continued. "I didn't like someone else talking to the girl that I wanted for a whole year. Especially my own teacher, so I acted crazy. Not stalker-ish or anything but mad. I remember when I called you, like on a Friday, about that date that we scheduled and you said were canceling? I just got so down. And also that night I was a little mad because it sounded like you were with another guy, He sounded like Chef too." He shot me a look. I said nothing. "But I then brushed it off as nothing and thought, nope could never be River. But then the next day in class, I saw the looks both of you two shared when you thought no one was looking. I still brushed it off and asked you out again though, but then you blew me off and that really cut me deep again but knowing me I kept a smile on my face."
Um. . .oh.
"In class, I kept a little side eye on the two of you and then it all pieced together. The pieces then slapped me in the face when I had caught you two in the class kissing and then my emotions came into play. For a whole year, I was working the nerve to talk to you and then the one time I actually have balls to ask you out, Chef swoops in and takes you away." He signed and cleared his face with only one emotion now present: guilt. "You have to know that I was only working off my selfish emotions. I was selfish, jealous, hurt, out of my mind and torn and wanted Vance to feel the same way. I never wanted to hurt you. It was out of line of me. I was an idiot and should have never told on you guys. I am truly sorry for my actions. Truly sorry, River."
Shit.
"I don't want bad beef between us River." He said, his voice wavering. "We are leaving this year and I want to write my wrongs. I'm really sorry."
This was a difficult one. He looked sincere for his actions and he was torn. That does not excuse him from ratting me out just because he didn't get a chance to get in my pants though. It was selfish, but he noticed that. He was apologizing for that.
I was a new River. I was a forgiving River. I was never going to go on a date with the dude, ever. Eventhough he did have a part in Vance and I spitting up, he wasn't the main reason. Just a side reason. Plus what Vance and I were doing was wrong, so it was going to come out to the light somehow, someway.
All bad things came to the light.
"I understand. I forgive you James." He smiled. And I retuned it. Me accepting his apology didn't mean that I was going to become his friend anytime soon though. "Goodnight then, I have to get home now."
"Wait - sorry, first thank you for accepting my apology and River uh," He scratched the side of his face. "Do you happen to have Chef's email or number or something? I want to say something to him too. To apology too."
Now why the f-
You know what? Whatever, it wasn't my business. He could do as he pleases. "Yeah sure." I hadn't deleted Vance's number yet but I had been thinking about it. Him being in my phone and the text we shared was not going to help with me moving on. I will do it though, later than sooner.
He stepped back and a big smile appeared on his face as he looked back up from his phone. "Thank you, really."
"No problem." I said then did a tight smile. Turned around and finally took some steps in the direction of the exiting doors.
"See you at graduation!" I heard him shoot out to my parting figure.
"See you." I said because I was nice. Wasn't nice enough to look back though.
I started my journey to the bus stop and then a genuine smile started to appear on my face. Not just because I felt good for getting someone's weight off of their chest because I accept their apology but because it really felt like I was changing.
Vance's name had came up and I hadn't freaked out once. I just felt sorry for the guy. Sorry because now he had to spend his life alone, without me. Sorry because he was really dumb for not seeing anything in me. Feeling sorry for the man because he had gave up and stopped trying with me.
But that was life.
My life felt a little brighter though.
My attitude feft lighter.
I felt genuinely happy right now and that hadn't been occurring for the past few days. Today though, there was a turning point. Happiness. I was happy because in a weeks time, I would officially have a degree. I was happy because my report was almost done. I was happy because I had made someone else smile. Who cared if it was James? He counted. And I felt really happy as I got my phone out from my pocket, pulled up Vance's contact information and just deleted his number and watched as all of our messages disappear.
The sun felt like it was shining extra bright today. The weather felt extra warm today. My head felt light - felt weightless. Like a ballon that was only filled with all things positive in life; Love, gratefulness, and food.
I loved life.
***
| A/N: Chapter is. . .so-so. Also, River is a very forgiving person. So. . .yeah lol. |
| Thanks for reading ! |