We are at our dad's today afternoon.
I have a meeting to go to, which is an Open House for one of the high schools I'm applying to, it's online. We are outside as we listen to the meet on my dad's phone. We walk to the park we usually go to, but instead go to the field instead of the playlot. I remember it being gray outside today.
In the meet, people introduce themselves, they tell us their name and pronouns.
My dad gets all mad as he listens.
"What the! " he speaks out, "Poor children." He says, shaking his hand as he walks.
"My pronouns are she/them and I'm a Senior in the Arts programs."
My dad huffs.
Why don't you just leave!? I want to say.
But my face is expressionless. I'm just looking ahead as I walk.
"My pronouns are... He/him," a professor states in the call.
"What the heck!" My dad interjects, shaking his head. I roll my eyes mentally and listen to what the people in the meet are saying.
"If you give yourself pronouns, " my dad shakes his head as he speaks, "I'm going to lose it,"
Oh.My.God...Like I care.
As we arrive at this field, so my brother can play with his soccer ball, our dad lets me listen to the meet alone. Thank God.
I listen for about 30 minutes before he comes back to listen and I feel constricted once again by his presence. I try to act like he's not bothering me and I just stare at the phone.
"All right, go to the chatbox, and you can enter the breakout rooms through the link," the administrator states.
I click one of the breakout rooms but it tells me I can't enter. Dad tries to work the links, but it doesn't work. We leave the meet to try to enter but it still doesn't work.
The phone says to click a user to enter the meet.
I click mine ( Icon says "Feminist Society" with a pink silhouette in the background).
The Screen tells me: Wait for the host to let you in.
My dad grabs the phone as it loads, snatching it out of my phone. I try to relax and ignore the crunching my stomach is starting to feel.
He looks at the screen and sees my icon.
"Oh geez, Mina," he shakes his head, "Feminist," he scoffs out, shaking his head in disgust and in pity. As he shakes his head he speaks again.
"Someday you'll realize that being a Feminist is bad... it's really ugly and sad, " he chuckles to himself. I look ahead, containing the anger in me and the amount of things I want to say to him.
This guy is an idiot.
"It's just an organization of destruction, " he adds. I snap my head and look at him.
Oh. My. God! What the Heck! That is not true. You don't even know what it is! - I want to say
I stay silent with a blank expression.
My mind is spinning, "Speak up, " my mind tells me, "This guy is CrAzy," "Be Quiet... He'll kill you," My heart wants to say something but I know it's not a good idea.
A pause of silence as my dad stares at the screen, not realizing his effect on me.
"Just go and play with your brother and warm up. I'll tell you if the meet works. "
I obey, taking this opportunity to leave his side. I run towards Simon and our friend, Daniel. I play with them for a while, stealing the ball from Simon and passing it to Daniel. The ball then rolls far away and the boys go after it.
I lie down on the turf field ground. Lying there, looking at the evening sky, relaxing a bit.
I smile at the small twinkling lights that are called stars. They say you can't see stars in the city, but I can see them. I feel warm by the presence of the stars and the dark sky looking back at me.
I breathe in and out. I close my eyes. Breath in and out.
I open my eyes slowly.
"I want to be free," I breathe in, whispering to the sky. Tears start to form in my eyes.
"I want to be ...completely free," I breathe out.
"I want freedom for all." The tears start to roll under my eyes.
"Feminism is not ugly... it's not sad," I breathe in, whispering out this small speech as if the sky can really hear me.
"It's a community for all voices to be heard," I breathe out.
"I have always been a feminist. Even when I didn't know there was a word for it." I smile at the sky after my confession.
I breathe in.
I breathe out.
"God." I close my eyes.
"I want to be free, "
"I want my dad to change." I open my eyes.
"I want my dad to change for the better, " I breathe out, asking this small prayer.
"I want you to guide him to that path, "
"I want him to see again. " My tears roll down again.
I breathe in and out.
I blink and release more tears and I breathe out once more.
"Feminism is equality. " My breathing becomes shaky and I stare longer at the dark sky, trying to hold in the rest of my tears. I breath in and out.
Daniel's head comes into my eyesight, he popped out of nowhere. "Hi. " he smiles.
"Ahh! " I roll over to face the grass (turf field grass).
"Hey," Daniel says, confused at my action.
I stand up and run to another part of the field.
I find a quiet spot and lie down on the top of a small hill, to continue my prayer to the sky.
"God. " I breathe in and out.
"I want to be free, "
"It's not fair, it hurts. The pain every day, " I say shaking as I look to the sky.
"I want to be able to see my mom every day,"
"I want to be with my mom, not needing to speak of him,"
"I want to be with mamma without having to cry because I have to see daddy in an hour," I breathe out.
"I want to be..." Another tear rolls down as I release this last word.
"free." Looking up at the sky as some of the weight has been lifted from my chest because of what I said, I grow more relaxed. I want to smile.
"Mina, " I hear my dad call, my smile drops from continueing.
He passes the ball near my body. I reach it and sit up. Still mad at him, I harshly throw the ball his way.
"Are you okay? " I stand up and run. "Mina!?" He calls. I run as fast as I can.
Run, Run, Run.
Breath in
Breath out.
I run around the edges of the while field, making a circle as I sprint.
"I want to be free, " I pant out.
"I want to be free," I repeat.
"I want to be free. " I feel like the world is listening and I feel empowered.
"I deserve to be free, " I tell myself as I breathe in and out.
"I deserve to be free, " I repeat for the world.
"I deserve to be free, " I repeat for myself.
"I am free, "
"I am free, " I say, continueing this mantra as a push to my last few strides of this run.
"I am free, " I repeat.
"I am free, "
I've run around the entire field. My heart is beating fast. I stop at where I started. Seeing a bench next to the little hill, I sit there, quietly. I lie down on the bench, staring above, smiling with relief.
"Thank you." I see the stars twinkle back.
I breathe heavily, for its cold and I ran so fast.
I try to steady my breathing and once I do, I just sit there staring at the sky.
Breath in.
Breathe out.
I smile at the sky and start to sing a mantra my mom taught me.
"I love you. " I smile.
"I forgive you, "
"I thank you, "
"Please forgive me, "
"I thank you, "
"I forgive you, "
"I love you, "
"Please forgive me, "
"I thank you,"
"I love you, "
"Please forgive me." Breathing in and out,
I smile at the sky and close my eyes.
Breathing in and out. I put my hands to my heart, smiling.
"Thank you, "
I sit up. My hands still at my heart.
"Namaste." I smile, bowing down towards my heart.
"SatNam, " I breathe out, another word you use in yoga.
I open my eyes, with a closed smile, to an open world.