The rest of the day was thankfully fine for the most part. I mean I still wasn't great, but no other surprises jumped up on me.
History class really did help me a little. Ms. Cawthorne was so caring for me during it. Well, she wasn't like, openly caring. It was still class, but she took in consideration with the fact that I most likely didn't wish to speak. She gave me a pass on participation and just let me listen to what she was saying. She would give me little smiles every now and then that made my spirit feel a little better.
By the end of that class, she pulled me aside and gave me a lollipop. She said it wasn't much, but she hoped it would at least do something. It did, as I walked out of that class with a smile.
The rest of the day was just a blur honestly. Just thinking about being home and alone, to rest with my thoughts actually caused the day to go by so much faster. I guess it's because none of the teachers randomly called on me to answer some questions.
Not surprisingly, I didn't see Boscha or Amity anywhere for the rest of the days. They were most likely in I.S.S or something. Passing by their lockers, I couldn't help but think about them.
I also finally opened up a little bit to the group. I figured they were concerned enough, and I wasn't too emotionally broken at this point. I didn't tell them everything, but I told them enough where they understood that today was just not a good day. I apologized for the distance I was giving them, but they said it was okay, and that I really needed it.
I also told Mom what happened when I finally saw her at the end of the day. She saw how wrecked and bleak I looked, and before she could ask, I just spilled all the information on her. I wasn't as broken as I opened up to her last time, so it was much easier to tell her. She gave me a hug and assured me that it was going to be alright. I really hope that's true.
----------------------
That other side of my mind is still here. I felt it as I was resting on my bed as I got home. It kept reminding me of how horrible I am, what I did and what kind of friend I am to do that etc etc.
It was more….muffled this time around however. With being in the office with the Principal and History class, I was able to calm myself enough to not feel like I was gonna break down any second. That didn't mean I was over it.
I still feel so fucking bad. I don't think I will be able to get over it, even if Amity and I make up and get close again. I ultimately made her day much more shitty. I didn't want to at all, that was the last thing I expected….but I was too scared about being backstabbed again. I didn't want to give her my trust and be immediately ostracized like before. It would've killed me right then and there.
Her crying is still fresh on my mind. Right before I slammed that Club door shut, I heard her cry my name out. I didn't pay too much attention to it, as I was already at my breaking point, but my mind still got it. She yelled out to me, before I could hear her own mental breakdown start in that room.
...that's horrible isn't it? I just….I don't even know how I had it in me to ditch her like that. I'd like to say it was out of fear, and I'm most likely right about that, but I can't help but think in any other situation, I'd probably would've stayed.
I shook my head, and got rid of the thoughts. I really didn't want to have yet another breakdown. My eyes actually hurt from all the crying. I started thinking about what Principal Bump said to me earlier.
Are you just gonna sit there and still think she doesn't care about you?
It was a really good point. She did stand up for me. She did stick by my side even though I shattered her heart earlier. She could've easily left me to be stuck with Boscha, and most likely would've gotten my shit kicked in...but she ultimately saved me…
Even though it was not the right time to think about it, I fantasize for a second about her sticking up to me again, to everyone who wronged me. In both Hexside and RVA.
That didn't last long as I heard a knock at my door, and it slowly opened, showing Mom peer in.
"Hey Luz…" she said, with a small smile on her face, which kinda confused me.
"Hey Mom, uh what's up?" She smiled a little more as she opened the door all the way.
"Well...I thought I'd let you know you got a visitor…" she looked to her right and nodded to whoever was there. A moment later, my eyes shot wide open, suddenly seeing Amity in my doorway.
"I um...I'll let you two fix whatever else needs fixing….if you need me, I'll be downstairs." Mom gave me another warm smile, as she patted Amity's back, before closing the door behind her.
Amity stood in the middle of my room, looking absolutely miserable. I don't blame her. She has been through a lot today.
I noticed some patch marks she had on her face, a bandage around her arm and a few bruises scattered around her. The fight must've been much more intense than what I saw, because I was basically losing it when they were going at it. I guess that would explain the blood that was on the ground.
"Amity…" I stood up from my bed and looked her in the eyes. I guess that proved the wrong choice to do, because the next thing I knew, she was shaking just as much as I would be, and tears immediately poured out of her eyes.
She fell onto her knees and proceeded to sob right in front of me. She wasn't even trying to be subtle with it. She was letting out all of the pain she must've been holding in, and it completely shattered my heart. I felt a few tears form myself.
"L-Luz...I am so sorry for what I did! I didn't mean any of t-those words you heard from me the other day! I don't think you're a weirdo! You're so far from that-" she gripped onto her pants tightly as another wave of sobs came pouring out of her.
"I feel so...horrible….I'm such a horrible person for saying that….I should've just said the truth to Boscha, but...but-"
I couldn't take it anymore. Any more of watching her break down in front of me and I would've been joining along with her. I needed her to know it wasn't entirely her fault. I can't live with the idea of her putting all of the blame on her shoulders.
I slouched down onto my knees right in front of her, and I held onto her. She jumped a little when I hugged her, clearly she wasn't expecting it.
"Amity….it isn't all your fault. I don't blame you for saying all of that stuff. It's Boscha we're talking about. She wouldn't have taken anything else as an answer…" I slowly rubbed her back and tried my best to comfort her.
"I thought I lost you….which is why I snapped earlier…I am so sorry for doing that to you….but you don't have to worry anymore...I'm right here….and I don't plan on leaving again…" Amity shook more now, as she took in my words. She started crying harder as she wrapped her arms around me and let all the pain out. There was no way in hell I would abandon her again. No matter what.
I started to cry a little myself, remembering everything today. All the guilt and pain we both went through was too much, and so on the floor, we let it all out.
"I…..I was so scared…I thought you were gonna hurt me again….that's why I ran away….I was too worried.." Amity rubbed my back as she tried to control her sobbing.
"I don't blame you….it was rough wasn't it…? To hear that?" I lightly nodded as she gripped me tighter. Her shaken lighten up, but she still kept her face buried in my shoulder.
"...I don't hate you Luz….I could never hate you...I know those stuff you heard must've hit hard, but I didn't mean all of it…" Unwanted thoughts of being called a loser by literally everyone surfaced my mind, and I couldn't help but feel cynical about it.
"But….you weren't wrong...I am a weirdo….nobody liked me in my old school….they always called me weird and stupid..and I was always alone…" I took a breath before going back into my thoughts. "Why would someone as amazing as you...hang out with someone who is as lame as me…?" I felt more tears pour down my face as I was about to start crying, before Amity looked up at me and wiped them away.
"Don't you DARE say that about yourself." She said it with such authority that it shut me up. I just listened to her stunned, thinking I just pissed her off.
"You are NOT a loser Luz. You are the exact opposite of that. You are so fun to hang out with. I love being with you when we hang out, whether it be for skating or reading Azura. Speaking of that, I'm really happy you enjoy Azura as well. I find it nice to be reading it with someone like you…" my eyes widened as she continued to say all of these nice things to me.
"You have a nice sense of humor. No matter what you always find a way to make me laugh. You have such a nice personality too. You're so sweet and caring, more caring than anyone else I know…" There was a look of sadness before she snapped back towards me.
"My point is that I really care about you…" I noticed her start to blush. "You know why I like to hang out with you?" She gave me the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen, and wiped her own eyes.
"Because you are the most amazing person that I know in this world. There's literally no one else who is more perfect than you Luz…."
I'm not proud to admit that I started bawling out like a baby again after she finished. Her words were so refreshing to hear, and so...amazing that it hit me so deep. All the bad words i've heard hit me for sure, but what she just said was way deeper than that. It drove away every single bad feeling that was in my soul.
I shook like crazy, clutched onto her sleeves, as I sobbed uncontrollably onto her shoulder. She must've knew I was crying in a good way, as she hugged me tightly, never loosening her grip. I've never felt so happy in my life. I know I have said that many times already, but right here was such a huge relief that I'll never forget it.
"..thank you...so much for being the best girl in the world….you are the best…" that barely came out as a whisper, from both embarrassment and my crying, but Amity heard it clearly and giggled.
"No, thank you for being better."
I looked up at her and saw her looking at me with a beautiful smile. Her eyes were still filled with tears, but I didn't care, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and the more I looked, the more I felt my heart flutter.
I just….I couldn't hold it in anymore. All the emotions I felt, my heart fluttering and my confidence slowly coming back up, I felt like I was gonna explode. I felt like doing something...and I ended up doing it
I leaned in, and gave her a kiss.
It was the most extraordinary experience I have ever felt. It felt like shock, as my spine tingled, and my heart pumped as hard as I thought it was going to. I didn't realize what I was doing until I opened my eyes again. I felt my entire stomach jump out of me for a moment, as I basically had a heart attack.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I don't know what I-I was doing! I'm so sorry! Please don't be weirded out, I didn't mean it!" I jumped back away from her, feeling immediate fear.
I just got her back, and now I just fucked things up again. She must think I'm weird now. She didn't want that at all, she only thinks of me as a friend. God, why do I keep doing this?!
As I felt my thoughts form around me, I felt something on my arm. I looked up, and Amity crawled back towards me. My heart was blaring within my chest. I did not know what she was going to do. I thought she was about to hit me honestly, but when I looked at her face again, she didn't have unspeakable anger or disgust like I imagined. She was smiling at me, grinning from ear to ear as her entire face went red.
She wiped her tears off her face, grabbed my face and pulled me back into another kiss. Everything went dark once again, except for us. I couldn't tell if time froze, or I was just going crazy again, but I wished it would never end. I felt my limbs basically get possessed, slowly wrapping around her as she continued to kiss me. It was the best feeling ever.
She finally pulled away after a minute, and giggled at me. I guess she saw the face of shock that was plastered on my face.
"I-I like you Luz...I was actually planning to tell you this earlier during club…but I never got that chance…" I felt my heart explode for two reasons. One: she likes me back, holy shit. And two: I felt even more bad. She was gonna confess and I just shattered her heart.
"I….I was planning to confess to you too. I was gonna give you a note….but then I heard you talking to Boscha…" I lowered my head, remembering the note, and the pain I felt when I ripped it up later on. I guess Amity didn't take too kindly to the sadness, as she lifted my head up and smiled.
"Well...at least we know now...right?" I felt my face heat up as I stared in her eyes. They are so pretty…
"Yeah...and I couldn't be more happy…." I giggled as I saw Amity blush more after that comment. She pulled me closer as a cheeky smile appeared on her face.
"Me too Luz...me too."
And when she gave me that third kiss, I knew one thing. The Principal was right. Ms. Clawthorne was right. Mom was right.
She doesn't just care about me….she loves me…..and I love her back. Nothing in this world is ever gonna change that, and you can bet your ass that I'm never breaking her heart again.