An another year later Untitled 2018
KIM BONA
I'm staring into GD's eyes, my heart pounding into my throat. If I wasn't sitting with crossed legs on this barber chair, I would literally believe that I was slipped down to the ground. I tell my feet to root to stay casually on a footstool.
He looks kind of the same since we officially parted, except he's seemingly more carefree and cooler...and better than G-DRAGON ever was.
"Well, to answer your question..." GD clears his throat, scratching the back of his neck to pretend to be a bashful one; which I know that he's so much keen and very smart to answer every instant questions swiftly like they're all come from his fingertips. "No, I'm not dating with anyone just yet. CL and I are always good friends. And other girls that you mentioned about are just my co-celebrities that I'm working on with amongst my newest clothing brand—peaceminusone. I'm always well aware that I've been rumored with many chicks for many years, but it's really nothing. Rumors are just rumors. You shouldn't be worried about anything. For me, my heart is always with you."
GD talks with his most chilly adorable smile, lifting his mouth at the corner, and then presses a sloppy kiss on Jeong Hyeong-don's cheek.
I press the button pause and clench my fist against my mouth and burst into small laughing.
"What's up there?" Ruby asks as combing my hair. She cranes over my shoulder and glances down at my phone before clapping her mouth with the hand. "Oh, no. Aren't you becoming...you know, Y, right?"
I look at her through a mirror towards me. She still looks surprised and a bit casually shocked. I glance downwards at my phone which's showing a paused screen of GD kissing the male host's cheek. Then I turn to Ruby with my hilarious laugh.
"No. No. I'm pretty straight, Rub. This show's truly hysterical. I really can't help pausing to laugh," I briefly explain, jabbing the tears of laughter at the corner of my eyes.
She makes a funnily relieved face for me through the mirror, continues doing my hair and also tries not to comb the wires of my earphones that I'm putting on.
Before I'm about to press continuing the show in my phone, Ruby interrupts with a grin,
"What're you watching, though? You're seemingly into it."
"This?" I raise up my phone and give her a small chuckle. "Just a typical Korea TV show. You know, tons of jokes it has."
"Really? That sounds like fun. But aren't you watching without subtitles? I see no any translation there."
"I have my own way," I say, giving her a sloppy blink. Ruby teasingly makes a sarcastic noise.
"Aah. This might as well how exceed you've got from entering an extra-online Korean course every Sundays, am I right?" She smilingly waves for me with a hairbrush in her hand.
I don't reply anything, but shrug my shoulder playfully before pulling my attention back to the screen. I press the play button and continue enjoying the show.
"If you insist not dating anyone right now, and why did you put Daisy as your clothing brand's symbol, anyway? Doesn't it seem too girly? Come on, don't you lie to me. I sense some women's scent in your brand," snaps the host, Jeong Hyeong-don, with his red face after being kissed by GD. A little touchy face as he's making in purpose, apparently wants to show how jealous he is since he's such a GD's fanboy.
Quite so. Why Daisy?
My heart instinctively twists and my spine tenses. Would he mention about me in the TV show for the first time?
I shake that thought away from my head. I already know he wouldn't, of course. As the matter of face, this show has been on-air belatedly for months, and GD has gone to mandatory military service for a while—as I heard. So if he did really publicly mention about me, there would have turned a few headlines that I was referred about.
He never makes a scene that he ever sits on a tree with me since we basically broke up. Never.
"Oh, please, Hyeong-don hyung." GD adorably leans into Hyeong-Don and fawns him by rubbing the arm by his head. I can't help squeezing my skirt from adoring him.
Then, GD perks his head up and still linking the host's arm by his. "You know, everyone knows about how much I love dressing up costumes. They're a part of my skin. Besides, I never set a limit for my line, this brand includes with unisex clothes. And Daisy is never set in a stone that it's a flower for girls only. It's for everyone and any gender. That's why I bring it into the symbol. Nothing about the girl for especially."
Even though he talks casually like nothing specially matters, I deep down hope that he would have at least referred about me.
Not directly, but somehow that just both of us know.
Anyway, this is sort of a smartly proper answer from him, I can't deny. He actually does launch his unisex clothing brand. As I've peered around at his website, the pairs or even fashionable stuff that he's brilliantly designed by himself, there's all his savage-street style. Nothing particularly or specially in the style that can secretly be referred about me, except the Daisy that he fashionably puts it on every textures. And I know this symbol is somehow used as me, though he just told that it's nothing special.
I'd rather believe that it's me. Literally me.
Daisy. My top-secret name that few people ever know.
"Really? So you aren't really dating anyone, right?" Hyeong-don asks, his face lighting up apparently.
"'course! I'm single...especially for you." GD couldn't help acting needy for the host. Later on, both of them burst into laughing so hard. They're running the show so chilly and fun as well.
"Okay. Okay. That's enough. Someone might be thinking that I'm gay." Hyeong-don breaks of GD, still laughing. They exchange a hysterical snort from laughing.
And then he clears his throat and begins to run the show smoothly serious.
"Anyway, since we're talking about your romantic life, and you're going to be thirty next year. Have you ever thought about the future—you know, the marriage thing?"
And I could see GD's quickly clenching his chin flashing over before he could bring on his cool poker face in less than a second. I honestly can't deny that I'm kind of curious about this question as much as his fangirls all of the world would be.
"Yes, I surely have," he replies with a bit serious tone after a little pause. "My age increases every day and no one's supposed to be single in their midlives, as you knew. And I've honestly looked forward to having my own family someday, but you know"—he clears his throat, his brow knitting apparently—"to be not married with the wrong girl and not wasting our times, I'm seeking for a proper one who I can share my life with without guilty or regret or even losing anything behind. I need a perfect marriage that my future wife and myself will be happily ever after. Therefore, I'm trying to be careful with any romantic relationship I'll go into, so that we could be on the same page for the last day we live...And I'm waiting for her every single day."
"That's cool, sounds like a romantically good idea actually." Hyeong-don nods along, as if he's completely into what GD means. "So that probably meant that you may as well plan—you know, a little bit of your future marriage?"
GD looks at the ceiling, pressing his lips thoughtfully.
"Yeah. Guess so. I've kinda drew some in my head—not that long, but some subdetails," he replies, casually touching his lip. "I'd love to imagine about my ceremony wedding. Instead of getting married at the Church, I'd rather do it at the meadow—can you picture it? The ceremony in the middle of an endless flowered meadow—Daisy one. My wife is wearing the most beautiful white dress that I gradually designed. A Daisies crown onto her crown braid, and a bouquet of Daisies in her hand. Her beloved dad walks her along in the aisle, and I'm waiting for her at the altar—under a big tree, where we exchange our rings and holy vows. And later on, maybe a few years later, we'd come back there again...with our kids running aside us."
If I didn't get it wrong, I think Hyeong-don is about to cry in the middle of the show. Half of his face is buried by his big palm. Maybe so am I.
"Oh, my romantic superstar..."
I am suddenly cut off of concentration towards the show when there's gentle tapping on my shoulder. I put down the phone onto my lap and take off one of the earphones.
"Whaat?"
"Your baby girl has arrived," Ruby says, beaming aside my ear.
"Hell, yah. Bring her in right away!" I demand almost yell in excitement.
"Hang in there, Mommy. Liza is taking her here." She chuckles.
And for an instant, there's a dog barking sound nearby, behind the doorway. Ruby knowingly spins my chair for me towards the door. Afterwards, Liza enters in with my girl on her chest.
"Jolie! There you are!" I excitedly exclaim. When Jolie recognizes me, she instinctively jumps off from Liza's chest and runs to my arms. "I missed you so much, baby. Tell me how was your trip with Auntie Liza, hmm?"
"Hang on. I was taking her jogging in the Central Park. What is that overreacting?" Liza teases me as flopping down onto the couch beside the doorway. I frown at her, but she doesn't even look at me, picking up a magazine from its rack and patiently flipping each page on her lap.
Then, I hear Ruby adorably laughing above me before she spins my chair back towards the mirror and continues doing me the hair while I'm petting Jolie under my arms.
Jolie stares at me with her innocent sparkle eyes. I can't help kissing her head, giving her the most comfortable embrace as much as I could do. If I didn't have Jolie, Liza or even Ruby, I would have been through the hardest time of my life harder and more suffering.
Flashback to the very first two years ago, when I was all alone and had no steady place that my heart could be clung into after it was broken into pieces. I decided to go to the Church again. And yes, I tried to pray again, turned out it barely worked as I imagine. Luckily, Ruby and Liza; the psychiatrists of that Church—if you still remember that I used to meet them once. I'm so thankful for them for the way both of them hardly helped me up from the darkened hole I was falling down. Even though I didn't succeed in the religion, at least I eventually did succeed at my dream career. I turned to focus on the music—which I've loved and skilled at. Also, I got a little helpful team that I genuinely set on. I basically brought Liza and Ruby to be my close assistants since they secretly wanted to get a steady future anyway, and importantly my mental still badly wanted to be healed. Plus, they still can go to mentally heal someone else at the Church like they used to do on the day-offs. Moreover, I did set on another thing that it's totally good for me to be more accompanied, and also undeniably helpful for the homeless live—it is adopting Jolie to be my own personal pet and friend and even family. We're connected and impossibly imprinted to each other, even though she couldn't talk. But we speak through our gestures of love, that's why we understand one another. Besides, that's what we share our broken hearts and fix them up.
"Well." It's as if like someone has switched her mind. All of a sudden, Liza closes the magazine and looks up at me, her brow creasing.
I look at her from the mirror as petting Jolie. "What?"
"So you and Macro are, you know, boyfriend-girlfriend already, am I right?" she asks with a dirty smile at the corner of her mouth.
"What!? Hell, no. Where'd you get that idea from?" I'm a bit confused, and there's a chuckle from Ruby.
Liza stretches out her bottom lip, unenthusiastically shrugging, and walks to me. "You know, last night I did see you finally let him give you a lift home after the rehearsal. Please tell me that you've started dating with him."
Oh, my Lord. Again with this ship that they've been carelessly trying paddling even if I've told them for like a million times that it is completely useless.
I roll my eyes and reply honestly, "Surely...IT. IS.NOT. Okay? We're just friends and always be."
Then, Ruby passionately laughs even louder before turns around and opens her palm towards Liza.
"Craaaap!" Liza groans, throwing her hands in the air and dips some cash from her pocket, and then gives them to Ruby.
"You guys bet on me? OMG. That's lame." It's me groaning.
"That's what we do all the time," Ruby says, sounds so impressively. Then she smirks up to Liza. "And I always win." Can't believe it.
Liza pulls a chair nearby and sits on it beside me so casually. "C'mon, Kim. You already knew that he massively has a crush on you. Marco's apparently tried to impress you for like two years now."
I shake my hair a little bit while Ruby is braiding it. For an instant, I return Jolie to the ground.
"I like him that way, just like I've been telling you."
"Hell, ya. You both are single, cool, perfect, and charming, and whatever. Listen, the thing is you are absolutely meant for each other and that's what matters."
"And another matter of fact is he's my manager, Liz. We're working together and F.R.I.E.N.D.S," I strongly protest.
"So what? Can't two people be dating just because they're working together? If you cling into that idea, you may as well put it away. Please, Kim, give him a chance. You're like dating with Jolie—a puppy, now you're supposed to date with a really nice human. And there's a green light from us, that's Marco whom you really deserve the most."
There's a nonchalant sigh from me. Honestly, I really don't fancy seeing Marco differently except being friends. It's true that he's been so nice and especially charming for me, and I secretly get the feeling that he's kind of attracted to me, too.
But...just so you know, I'm not ready for any kind of romantic relationship right now. I am particularly not over the past one to date with someone else.
"C'mon, Liz. Quit bothering her otherwise she'll be too upset to be recorded in the studio in thirty minutes," says knowingly Ruby. I secretly give her a bashful beam, and she then winks for me.
Liza looks obviously a bit frustrated but steps back to the sofa in easy surrender where Jolie is now occupying at the top of its back.
A minute passes by and Ruby finally finished braiding my hair a crown. In the distance, there's a gentle knock from outside the door.
"Hi, y'all!" We three in the fitting room instinctively turn around to find Marco standing at the doorway with a clipboard in his hand. He beams at me first and to the rest of us, then to me again. "Came to tell you that you're supposed to be checked from behind the screen before we're recording the show in less than half an hour. Are you actually ready, yet?"
"Yeah. Positively. Just let me wear my shoes first," I say, standing up as Liza excellently comes over to lay high heels beside my bare feet. Then, she apparently forces Lisa out of the room with her, dragging and also winks at me with a dirty grin before hollering one last time before leaving.
"I'll take you behind the set. Take your time."
The look at the mid-sentence certainly makes me exhale irritatedly. Less than a second, I get rid of my frustration and grief away. There's a priority called the show is publicly happening, and I need no emotion inside my mental but happiness so that I could run my gig as perfectly as I could ever do.
I turn to Marco again, and there's a little bit uncomfortable vibe between us as we're actually alone in the same room. He clears his throat and swallows hardly before beginning to defying briefly about my script again
"And just so you know, first things firsts you start to perform a couple of your songs—the essential track 'Pushing Up Daisies' and the new single from your upcoming album 'mariposa' After then, you're having a chitchat with the host. He'll ask you all the questions that you've already read, so you don't have to worry about the unexpected weird question at all." If I didn't get wrong, as soon as his eyes actually scan around me full dressing up, he immediately breaks off and looks at the middle distance between us instead. "Anyway, don't forget to remind the audience about your upcoming album's date, too, so they won't forget to stream it," he says, scratching the back of his beck, his cheeks turn burning red.
"Got it." I nod obediently, pulling long skirt up a little bit to wear the high-heels properly. When I basically put my two feet into them, I lower myself to adjust their adjustable straps. Unfortunately, I hardly bend over to even wear myself shoes since this dress is sort of not that helpful.
"Would you mind?" Marco finally offers.
"It's fine. I'll sit and do by myself." I politely reject his kindness, trying not to sound too awful.
When I'm about to flop down on a chair, Marco kneels down over me and does the high-heels with my feet, out of the blue, without words. I flinch a little but then stand still and let him do it.
"Thank you," I say when he gets himself up.
He handsomely smiles at me and compliments, "You look so pretty."
Later on, he leads me to the recording set. Briefly checking of being behind cameras and music stuff for a few minutes. And then, the show is about to happen in less than a minute.
All of the sudden, there're tons of butterflies inside my stomach while I'm swinging my guitar's strap over my shoulder and gripping it giddily. Try to catch my breath and make a quick concentration.
I've been through sort of many stages to perform, especially these last two years. But I still get uneasy feelings at the very beginning. I'm excited, worried about the what-ifs things, and also kind of ready at the same time.
"Count your breath with me, Kim." Liza holds my wrist and lays her arm on my shoulders. "Take off your grief...and breath in 1...2...3...and out...1...2...3...in..."
We catch the breaths to build a strong concentration behind the recording set for a while, and I begin to feel less concerned in Liza's comfortable arm. There's now ninety-nine percent of my readiness.
Finally, we break apart as a man with a headset finally calling me out.
"You're the best and always be." Liza squeezes my hand and beams at me. "I'll be watching you at the audience raws with Marco and Ruby."
We exchange a sloppy air-kissing for one last time. I start to hear people applauding after the host mentioned my name and my own song's titles.
I hold my guitar and tell myself to walk into the stage of the recording set. And then I'm fully on the screen, in front of loads of people in this large room.
The audiences burst out louder exciting applauding, raising their phone over me, calling my name—Delansey Kim.
And that's when all of my grief has perfectly long gone. I lean into the microphone, placing my fingers on the proper guitar chords, and briefly scan around chaotic people down the floor. An ecstatic smile grows over my face.
I slightly see Liza, Ruby and Marco standing down there at the mid row, ecstatically waving hands for me.
Wish you were here, Dad.
Wish you could see me from here.
Wish you could see how I get here, the higher step of my life.
Please keep looking at me on this road, Dad. Look how high I can fly.
* * *
"You were so inCREdible. You should have seen a few young teenagers nearby us. They were crying when you sang Pushing Up Daisies," Liza enthusiastically exclaims when we're all in the van, on the way back into our homes.
"Certainly. I think I might have cried with them too," agrees Ruby and taps me with her elbow.
I giggle a little bit, unable to tear out my happy grin away. Today went so awesomely like I wanted. The fans, everyone in that room really enjoyed my shows, and I can't stop being grateful even if it's actually over now.
"Well, didn't you ever cry when Kim got her very first stage last year, Ruby?" Marco teasingly says as controlling a steering wheel.
"Oh, I almost forgot I really did—ugly cried like a mother watching her daughter got achieved," Ruby adds, and the car bursts into casual laughing except me.
Today was totally valuable and inevitably memorable. I genuinely appreciate it... But I did not one hundred percent enjoy. Don't know why. Feel like this achievement that I've got is unreal—temporary. Kind of exchanged for something.
I feel lonely even though I'm constantly accompanied. I now have everything I wanted and dreamed of, but it yet seems not enough for me. It's like something missing. It has been...for a while.
Pressing my head against the window, I close my eyes and pretend I'm sleeping as Jolie laying on my lap. A few minutes later, the car finally goes into silence and I slightly hear Ruby whispers,
"Shh...she's sleeping."
"Oi, sorry." It's Liza, immediately stops herself laughing. And I could even sense she's staring at me.
For an instant, before I unconsciously pull into sleep while I'm headed home on this car, I again hear Liza says. Her voice sounds worried and a bit casually surprised.
"Jeez, Rub. She's not aware that she's crying herself again."
Keep pretending asleep, I secretly touch my cheeks by the other hand against the window. Then, I notice myself...
My two cheeks are completely soaked with tears, as I don't even know myself that I'm crying.
No awareness that I am sad.
"Three times for this week," Marco mumbles with a sigh.
Three times? Is there even a count?
* * *
Half past midnight, I finally reached my apartment. Dropping Jolie to her comfort zone at end of the living room, then I go to the bathroom and wash my face.
Staring myself at the mirror like a ghost watching itself. The corners of my eyes are still a little in bloodshot, as if I've been crying a lot. Despite of the fact, I genuinely had no idea that I really did.
Probably, I might understand why Liza and Ruby pleadingly offered to stay over when they dropped me off here. And I strongly declined, reasonably protested that it's time for my own zone.
Private sad zone in this huge apartment with a small puppy and a little ghostlike girl.
Second later, I walk back into the living room where the big Christmas tree setting against the ceiling to floor windows. The fact is it is March already—been 3 years now. But you know, I never take it down since we all six set it up together when we were here.
Even though it once sparsely was collapsed by him, I still redo it as the same again. You know, the hollow boxes of presents on under its tree, and several polaroids hanging around and being used as decorations.
I miss that precious moment.
I fucking do.
.
.
.
My back settling against the cushion of the sofa, my forearm resting on my eyes. Now I'm crying again. But this time is different, I'm knowing that I cry, ugly crying.
"Fuck!" I toss a pillow away with my sadness, unknowing where it now lays on.
I'm feeling so small, like these walls are closing to me. I never felt like this nor realized that I'm in such a largely huge room until I'm particularly alone. Several times that I bring myself sleeping in the closet since it is the smallest room in this apartment, and it silently makes me feel less smaller.
Later on, before I could even realize my own self. Now I'm in the closet again, resting against the wall, pulling my knees up at my chest and staring at the opened wardrobe where his clothes are still hanging. I fucking hate myself being like this, but I always keep doing it. Can't help myself. I am perfectly allergic to improvising. Walking in the same loop is all I've clung into.
Ten minutes pass by, I'm still staring at his clothes, like a lost puppy. Folding arms behind my head and cry...cry...and cry. Still.
"Hello? Nugu-seyo?" says an unfamiliar girlish voice. I lower my phone from my cheek to check if I just called the wrong number. But I'm right, there's GD name over my screen. I never delete his number. Or he might have changed them?
"It...is this still GD's number?" I dare say through the line, biting my fingernails. My heart is pounding almost breaking down itself.
And I hear she's groaning in Korea.
"What's the heck? Who are you? Oi, who are you? What you are?...hell, I can't speak English," she swears in all Korea language. I totally can understand what she's saying but I can't speak it, even if I've been practicing to do.
There's a nervous silence between us, and I hold the line until she finally says other words with her language and irritating tone. Nevertheless, she yet seems not to speak with me. She's talking to someone else while the line is still on,
"Oppa, I don't know who this is. It's speaking English, I don't understand. Wake up and talk to it. I'm sleepy."
And I wait in silence and excitement until I finally hear his voice moaning in the background.
"Who? What the screen says?" he asks her, his tone in down through the line, sounds lazy and exhausted.
But it is really him. I can remember.
"I don't know. It says 'don't pick up'," a woman replies to GD.
"Hang up and go back to sleep with me. Fuck, and why'd you pick up it for..." GD groans far away from the line, his tone is so calm and also sleepy at the same time. Then, I can hear the sound of slipping cushion at the background, as if he just sinks his head into the pillow so that the world would give him an actual silence since there's too noisy for him. He sounds like me calling him not only bothers him, but also disturbs his precious rest.
"OK," says a woman. Seems that's a reply for GD not me. Then, her voice gets clearer and louder, as if she finally presses the against her ear after lowering it for a moment. "Sorry. GD busy. Bye."
And she hangs up immediately.
My phone gradually drops itself from my ear to the floor beside me. I then bury my face between my legs and let the tsunami tears flood this room, cleansing myself with them until I'm finally sober.
Until I assume I'm finally clean.
But you know...no amount of freedom or tears actually get me clean, I've still got him all over me.