Sometimes even I, can't explain my own actions. And I also can't be held responsible for them. Even I don't under why I did that. I can't believe that I did it. I feel so embarrassed...
For example - the night Jungkook kissed me, I didn't kiss back. After the kiss I just told him that we should go home! But on Friday, when he took me home on his motorcycle, I quickly kissed his cheek and ran inside the house.
I'm such an idiot! I'm giving him so many mixed signals!
On the other hand, when I think about it - is the desire to love and to be loved idiotic?
No one has ever loved me besides my parents and our dog Yeontan that we had when I was little. I sometimes think that Yeontan loved me more than my parents did.
I still remember how he used to spend his every free moment next to me. Every night he slept in my room. Whether it was on the floor, on the bed, next to my waist or even - next to my face.
But Yeontan died after eating something bad he found in the backyard. Since then - I was left with only the love of my parents. But their love is different. Their love is selfish.
I do believe that Yeontan was the only one who truly loved me for me.
And now? Now I want to love. I'm ready for that. What's so wrong in that? Of course, without knowing what is love, it's a little scary. Maybe love is like antidepressants to which you can become addicted. Become even a little different than before and that's truly visible.
It's not hard to prove that. All you need - is to look around the school. Take for example - Namjoon and Seokjin.
Everyone knows them. Both of them - are head over heels for each other. It's not possible to be more in love.
During every break they meet up and start to make out in the hallways. Seokjin is always the one being 'cornered' and Namjoon is always the one in front of him, shielding him away from the world.
Namjoon hugs Jin's waist and Jin puts his arms around Namjoon's neck.
It's not hard to notice that both of their eyes seem different. Like they are in a daze or fogged up. It's like they don't see the people around them when they're together.
Honestly, sometimes it's awkward to even walk past them. You feel like you're committing a crime or are naked.
And that's coming from another gay guy!
But the strangest part is that they choose to not acknowledge the people and the stares around them.
Even when the bell rings, signaling the students to come back to their classes, they can bearly tear away from each other. Then they look around, all confused, and try to figure out what is happening. Why is everyone hurrying to their classes.
Finally, Namjoon walks Jin to his class, kisses him goodbye and leaves. For them - it seems like that kiss is the last kiss they will ever have. Like they're saying their final goodbyes.
When the classes end they stay back and walk around the school's garden.
All the teachers are getting tired of it, saying that this is not a school anymore - but a club for adults!
"What are those kids letting themselves?!"
"What will they grow up to be...?"
And many more comments like that.
This is not love anymore. It's your basic sexual need satisfaction in the middle of the day!
You have to think about this. To ask questions.
We need to stop this orgy party! All this 'love'.
You can banish this kind of 'love' but Namjoon and Jin will still come to school to love each other.
Their love is huge, able to wrap around the whole world. It's powerful like the ocean. Powerful like the strongest ships in the sea.
But even the strongest ships sink. Like the 'Titanic'.
In no way, shape or form do I want to love like Namjoon and Seokjin. If I were ever to love - then I'll do it beautifully and smartly.
No offense to their love.
I see Jungkook almost everyday. He talks to random people. To nerds like me and to the most popular people of the school. He doesn't put people in categories like many of us do. To him - we all are equal.
He's usually walking around with a crowd of the most popular people around him so I never have the chance of tagging along.
On the other hand - what would I even talk about with him?
I know that I should probably ask him out or talk to him about his interests but I don't know how to start up such conversation!
What would I even say if he asked me about my hobbies? I have none and I'm super boring.
Either way, one day I managed to find him alone.
My heart started to race and my head started to spin.
I have talked to him so many times, I can do it!
Without all of this - I'm also lucky. When he goes to take out his phone, while leaning at the side of the school's wall, his keys fall out of his pocket, to the ground.
Without wasting another second, I walk up to him, bend over to pick up the keys and hand them to him.
"Here you go, loser" I say as if I'm not about to shit my pants any second now.
He just looks at me. Surprised at first and then he smiles. Not that fake polite smile he uses while talking to everyone. No, this smile is real and sincere.
"Thanks, Tae"
"No problem"
I get scared that the conversation is going to end and quickly spill out some bullshit, just to keep it going:
"So, what class do you have next?" I ask and lean against the wall, just like him...which was probably a bad idea because he looks at me and raises one eyebrow, as if asking me what the hell I'm doing.
What the hell AM I doing?
He chuckles and shakes his head. Then - looks ahead to the distance:
"Geography...?"
"Yeah, cool, cool...me too...I have it too, right now..." I cough and try to hide the awkwardness.
"Oh really?" he chuckles.
"Umm, yeah, yeah"
"How could that be possible?"
"I.....I don't know?"
"Maybe it's the fact that we have the same classes?" he pretends to think hard.
"I...." I look down to the ground and blush like crazy. All my bad boy persona dropping. Not like it was successfully there in the first place.
FUCK! How could I be so dumb!? Of course I have to forget that we have the same classes. So much for being 'smart'.
"You okay? You seem a little red"
"Ugh....yeah, I'm okay, thanks"
Silence.
"Do you want to-"
"We should go before-"
We both say at the same time. Then - just look at each other and start laughing.
After we calm down, I speak up:
"Hey, Jungkook?"
"Yeah, Taehyung?"
Shivers run down my spine from the way he says my name. I like it. In the best possible way.
C'mon...now is your chance to ask him out. Do it!
"Tae? Are you really okay?" He places his palm on my cheek and tilts my head up so I would look at his eyes.
"I...." I start off and quickly say something. Just something that will end the silence:
"I wanted to take a selfie!" I shout and show him my boxy smile.
Once again, he raised one eyebrow, laughs, and then poses fot a picture. (the picture above)
...
A month passed - Namjoon and Seokjin broke up.
Namjoon is like before - joking and messing around with his friends.
Seokjin is just chewing gum in the hallways as if nothing happened.
They became like normal people again.
I guess that Titanics are meant to sink in order for a monument to be built, simbolizing such a powerful love.