So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 48

It's finally here! Sorry for the long wait, hopefully you'll think it was worth it. :-D

Six weeks had passed since I'd said goodbye to James, but I could remember every moment of our parting with perfect clarity. Then again, I spent all my time thinking about him. Our time as kids, falling in love, being apart, finding each other again...it all played out in my mind on a constant loop. It was the story of us, but with no clear conclusion. Once, he'd told me that despite being a rock star surrounded by people 24/7, he'd never felt more alone in his whole life; I understood that sentiment now. The GNR tour machine was in constant motion, but I felt completely alone.

Before Jamie's departure, I knew I'd been wrapped up in my own fears, entirely focused on figuring out how I was going to move forward despite those fears. But in all my doubts and hand wringing, I had never fully imagined a future without James in it. I hadn't allowed myself to go there, despite the fact I was dragging my feet and over-thinking every step forward. Now it was here, and my heart was breaking. I missed James more than I ever thought possible, and every day, the ache in my chest grew.

I knew he was feeling the same, though he tried his best to hide it on our phone calls. It didn't help too that with the craziness of our tours, time differences, and misinformation, the calls didn't happen as frequently as either of us wanted. But those few minutes of connection became my lifeline. Hearing his voice, his laugh...I hadn't realized how quickly I'd gotten used to having him back in my life again until he was gone.

A crack of thunder outside jolted me from my thoughts, and I wandered closer to the window to get a glimpse of the light show. We were back in Caracas, Venezuela in the same hotel I'd stayed with James almost two months earlier when we'd just begun the South American tour. Maybe that was why I was feeling extra melancholy that night and had sent Roberta off without me to go grab dinner with some of the band and crew, I just wasn't in the mood to pretend I was ok. I'd been playing at being "fine" for weeks now for the benefit of my bandmates. But they'd been forced to bear enough of my drama already, it wasn't fair to mope around and make them all suffer because I was miserable. I was pretty sure Roberta and Tracey knew what was going on under the surface, but they didn't bring it up. I think they understood I was only just barely keeping it together.

The sky lit up then and another loud boom of thunder shook the window, and it hit me hard how badly I wanted James there holding me in his arms as we watched the storm together. I wished it so desperately, that I felt the ache in my chest tighten and spasm as tears began to spill down my cheeks. "Jamie," I whispered forlornly, "I miss you so fucking much."

The phone rang then, and without picking it up, I knew it was him.

"H...hello?" I sniffled, trying and failing at hiding my tears.

"Baby, what's wrong?"

I was so happy to hear his voice, suddenly I was smiling and crying simultaneously.

"It's nothing," I murmured into the phone, suddenly feeling more than a little ridiculous. "I'm just being stupid. Don't worry about me."

"I do worry about ya Lei. Why do you sound like you've been cryin? Did Axl say something?" I could hear the anger rising in his voice.

"No, nothing like that." I sighed then. "I...I miss you that's all. See, I told you I was being dumb."

The line went silent for a moment.

"I...I figured the tour would keep ya too busy to miss me much."

I made a face though he couldn't see it. "It is crazy, and I'm on the go non-stop...but none of it distracts me from the fact that we're not together."

His breath hitched on the other end of the line. "Aww baby...I'm sorry I'm not there. I'm missin' you like crazy too." I could hear the raw emotion in his voice. "I've been a raging asshole to everyone lately cuz I dunno how to handle bein' awa"—he stopped abruptly, and then changed course. "Look, don't pay any attention to me ramblin'. I had a few beers and I'm just talkin' outta my ass."

I was caught off guard by his change of direction. "You're not rambling Jamie, you're just being honest. I want you to be honest with me."

The phone line went quiet again for a moment, and then I heard him take in a long breath. "I ain't gonna put my emotional stuff on you Lei," he said quietly. "Yer where ya need to be. I don't wantcha feelin' like I'm not supporting you a thousand percent, cuz I am."

"I know that, you've always supported me..." I trailed off as something occurred to me. "Jamie, did you really want me to stay on the tour, or did you just say that so I would?"

"It doesn't matter what I want Leila"—he spoke so tenderly, I could feel a fresh set of tears at the back of my eyes—"you need to be where yer doin' what you were meant to do. I don't wantcha to ever feel like you never got yer chance...that you gave up too much for—" He stopped talking and the phone went quiet again. "Look baby, I've gotta go. The tour nazis are bangin' on my door and I gotta go do some PR shit. We'll talk tomorrow ok? I love you Lei."

"Jamie, what were you going to say?"

"I can't right now Lei, I gotta go. I love you. So fuckin' much. Bye baby."

And then he was gone, and I was left to ponder his words.

~

The next few days were far busier than usual, and I wasn't able to speak to James again. We had our final show in Caracas and then a couple days of grueling travel to get the crew and band across the continent to Argentina. It wasn't until the day between our two scheduled performance in Buenos Aires that I finally had time on my hands to breathe. We were staying at a beautiful hotel that had once been the private home of an incredibly wealthy family, and it felt like a palace, complete with lavish and extensive gardens. That's where I found myself on my day off, winding through rows of lush plantings, shielded from the sun above by gently swaying palms.

Finding a garden chair situated in the shade, I sat down and closed my eyes, replaying the phone conversation with Jamie in my head. It had been troubling me for days, everything about it had been off. Like the day we'd said goodbye at the bus, he'd been trying too hard to appear positive and upbeat, while hiding his own pain. I knew it had been for my benefit, all orchestrated so that I would think he was okay with being separated from each other. But it was an act; James was doing what he had always done, he was putting my needs first.

"Baby," I whispered quietly to myself, "wherever you are, you need to know I'm in awe of how much you love me."

Picturing him in my mind I could almost hear his voice, remembering some of the things he'd said to me only a few months earlier.

"Yer love is a force of nature Leila, and it took something as powerful and strong as that love to break through the fear and pain I held onto so fuckin' tight. I thought I didn't wanna be loved like that, it scared the hell outta me, but once I felt it, felt it heal me and fill me up, I couldn't imagine goin' a day without it. Yer love is a miracle to me. Something I thought I'd never have once in a lifetime, much less twice."

"...I don't wanna keep pretending like my life has any kinda meaning when yer not here sharin' it with me."

"...I gave you my heart when I was nine years old and I never...never... got it back either. I love you Leila. I've loved you since I was nine and I've loved you and only you since that day. Everything else could go away and I wouldn't care, as long as I have you."

I didn't even realize I had tears coming down my face until Axl's voice brought me back to the present. "Jesus, he's not even here and he's still making you cry."

My eyes shot open and I watched warily as the singer made his way closer to where I sat. Fighting back the urge to wipe the tears from my cheek, I climbed out of the chair. "I don't wanna talk about this with you Axl, I just wanna be left alone."

He ran a hand through his hair in aggravation. "I've given you plenty of fuckin' time to get over him Leila"

My eyes widened. "You've given me time to get over him? For what, so you could have your shot?"

"Don't say that like you haven't thought about it. I could be real good to you," he smirked.

I scoffed at that. "Well, I really hate to break it to you and your overinflated ego, but no thanks."

His lip curled as he stared at me. "What kind of fuckin' hold does that guy have on you? I mean seriously, he's an arrogant asshole. And even though I got the ultimate satisfaction of throwing his ass off the tour, you're still moping around like I didn't do you the biggest favor by kicking him to the curb."

"I love him!" I practically shouted. "I'm not grateful for what you've done, I hate it. I hate being away from him. You screwed us both over!"

"Give me a fucking break! If he really gave a shit about you, he wouldn't have left. He fucking abandoned you Leila!"

"You made him leave!"

"He coulda stayed and fought for you."

"And what, put me in the middle of a no-win situation that you created? He didn't wanna force me to choose!"

The words hung in the air.

He didn't wanna force me to choose. He didn't want to force me to choose, because he loves me too much to see me suffer if I had to choose between the man I love and the career I love.

Maybe it was saying it out loud in defense of James, but something inside of me shifted.

"He's always put me first," I murmured to no one in particular. "Our whole lives, he's always done everything in his power to keep me safe from people and situations that could hurt me...even when he thought that person was himself." I smiled faintly. "And here we are, years have gone by and he's still putting me first, still doing everything he can to make sure I'm happy and protected. Maybe he hasn't always made the smartest choices—god knows I went through hell because of him—but I also know, without a doubt in my mind...his heart is pure." I pictured James' face the day we said goodbye. "He loves me," I whispered, "and I love him. At the end of the day, I believe in that more than anything else in this world." I let out a long breath as I felt the last tethers of uncertainty fall away. "I just need to get out of my own way and stop acting like a coward."

A memory flashed in my brain then, ten years ago, standing in front of James in the middle of an empty San Francisco park, accusing him of being a coward for not facing up to his feelings for me. James had fought falling in love for so long, convincing himself that he didn't believe in things that he couldn't see like love. But that fateful night, he'd chosen love over fear; the hardest thing he'd ever done he'd admitted later. Now I was faced with the same dilemma, and fear seemed like the stupidest reason on the planet to deny us what we both wanted most.

I looked up at Axl then, but I wasn't really seeing him. "There may not be any guarantees in this life," I murmured, "but Jamie's love for me is as close as I'll ever get." Suddenly I knew where I needed to be. "I've gotta go." I didn't even wait for Axl to respond as I made to leave. 

He grabbed my arm to stop me though. "You're leaving? Where the hell do you think you're going?"

I laughed softly at his question, and he looked at me like I'd lost my mind. "I'm off to take a long overdue leap of faith."

I shook his hand off and left him staring after me as I sprinted to my room to pack.

~

Three days later I was landing in Copenhagen, Denmark. Peering out the plane's window at the snow-covered city below, I shivered, looking down ruefully at the lightweight clothing I'd layered up as best I could. My suitcases were filled with outfits appropriate for south of the equator not a northern European winter. But I hadn't wanted to stop in L.A. to grab more suitable clothing; I didn't want to wait a minute longer to see James.

My lips spread into a smile at the thought of his reaction to me showing up out of the blue. I hadn't spoken to him in over a week, and he had absolutely no idea I was coming. Which was intentional, I didn't want him trying to change my mind. I'd left the GNR tour and there was no way I was going back.

Management had been understandably upset about my decision to leave, but since my contract was "At Will", I was within my rights to go. The guys in the band, excluding Axl, were more understanding when I made a point of telling them in person, wishing me well as we hugged goodbye. Tracey and Roberta weren't surprised, but that didn't soften the sadness we felt at the break-up of our trio. We promised to stay in touch as we tearfully said our farewells, and my heart was more than a little bruised when my tour family gathered outside the hotel to wave goodbye as I climbed into a cab to take me to the airport.

"No looking back Leila," I whispered to myself as the car pulled away from the hotel, "the future is waiting."

The future.

That had been a scary word for a long time, one I refused to dwell on or consider; one day at a time had been my mantra. Now, I couldn't help but feel excited at what possibilities a future with James might entail. My best friend and soulmate back in my life, my heart whole again, and beyond that...anything was possible. The stupid smile was back on my face. I knew I was getting ahead of myself, but I hadn't allowed myself to imagine a future with James for a very long time, now it was hard to reign in the prospects of what might be.

The plane landed and I made my way through the airport to grab my suitcases from baggage claim, before heading out into the frigid cold to hail a taxi. Giving the cab driver the name of the place where the band was playing that night, I huddled in the backseat, my heart willing him to go faster. Fortunately, the ride didn't take too long, and soon we were pulling up to the rear of the venue. After paying for the cab, I dragged my suitcases to where a security guard was standing sentry at the entrance to the backstage area. He gave me a funny look as I stopped in front of him.

"Hi. I...I know I'm not on this list," I shivered, "but is there some way I can get a note to James Hetfield?"

The guard's eyes widened slightly as he looked at me. "You're here for Mr. H?"

I knew he was probably assuming I was a fan, or maybe even a groupie, and my cheeks colored red. "Yeah. Look, I know you get people coming up to you all the time claiming to be friends of the band, but I really am a fr—"

"Leila McKinnon," he cut me off.

My face went slack with surprise. "Wait...what? How do you know my name?"

He grinned wide then, shaking his head with what seemed like disbelief. "I kinda thought it was a prank all these years, never thought you were a real person."

"A prank?"

He saw me shivering and opened the back door and ushered me inside. Turning back, he grabbed my bags and I shot him a grateful smile.

"I started workin' security for Metallica about three years ago," he explained as he set my luggage down. "The guy before me, he'd been with them for four years at that point, one of their first full-time security guys. Anyway, so Kenny told me—"

"Kenny Kendricks?"

"That's the guy." He grinned. "He was the one who trained me up. Standard stuff mostly, I'd heard it all before. With one exception." I felt myself leaning closer. "I was told, that if Leila McKinnon ever showed up during my watch, I was not to hesitate for a single moment before letting her in. And Kenny said I'd know it was this Leila because she's one of the most stunningly beautiful women I'd ever seen." My cheeks flushed even redder at Kenny's sweet description of me as the guard started shaking his head. "I kinda thought he was screwin' with me at first...but four years later and here you are, and just like he described. I kinda thought you were a myth...but I can see now why James was hopin' you'd show up one day."

My breath hitched at that. "This...this was James' doing?"

He nodded quickly. "Kenny said that James was real adamant about makin' sure you got in if ever you came to a show. Every once in a while, over the years, James would come check with me, make sure you hadn't shown up and gotten turned away. Not to make you feel bad, but you could see how much it disappointed him to know you hadn't."

My heart clenched; he had hoped I would come. Even though he'd done too good a job of sending me away, he'd still held out hope.

The guard sent for another member of the security staff to come and be my escort. I could hear the guys performing, so we dropped off my bags in their dressing room before making our way to the backstage. As we got closer I had a sudden idea, so we changed course and headed down through a maze of stairs and under the stage to the Snake Pit. It was pretty packed, but the guard stayed with me and made sure I didn't get crushed or hassled. Not that I would have noticed. Jamie was standing towards the front of the stage with his back to us, and I eagerly drank in the sight of him, every nerve in my body on overload being back in his vicinity. I felt myself blushing again at how much I was still like that girl from all those years ago, swooning over the boy she loved. It seemed that boy would always have that effect on me.

The energy from the music and the crowd was infectious, and I couldn't help but get caught up in it as I bounced up and down along with everyone around me. The guys in the band were oblivious to my presence until Jason came by with his hand stretched out to high-five the fans in the pit. He stopped abruptly when he saw me there, his face stretching into a wide grin. Jerking his head towards Jamie, I shook my head as if to confirm his guess that James didn't know I was there. His grin widened and he winked before turning and galloping towards the front of the stage.

The song they were playing came to an end and the crowd was going crazy cheering and applauding, but my focus was trained on the bass player as he sauntered over casually to James who was handing off his guitar to his tech. I could see Jason lean in to tell him something and point towards the pit. Jamie shrugged and headed in our direction, and I waited with bated breath as he came closer. Then he was leaning down, giving high-fives to the fans like Jason had done. When his hand came close, I reached out and grabbed it, forcing him to stop. He tugged on it, but I held fast. Then, I felt his other hand close over mine and pull, and suddenly I was within inches of James' surprised face.

"Hi baby." I grinned cheekily.

He looked stunned for a moment, and then his whole face lit up with joy. I half expected him to yank me up and out of the pit, but instead, impulsively he jumped down into the fray, the fans around us going nuts at his sudden presence. I don't think either of us were really paying attention though as he pulled me roughly into his arms, his mouth coming down hard on mine in a soul searing kiss that had me clinging to him for dear life. We managed to fit in a lot of kisses before we came up for air.

"How—" he started to ask, but I cut him off.

"I'll tell you everything later, but right now, aren't you supposed to be somewhere?"

He shook his head, but his eyes never left mine. "This is my break while Jason and Kirk do their solos."

"Do you usually spend your breaks making out with girls in the pit?" I teased.

He laughed at that. "Not usually, but I think I might have to make it a habit." I laughed too and he stroked my cheek lovingly. "But only if it's a gorgeous blonde whose name rhymes with ray-la."

"I think she's available," I joked as I stared up at him breathlessly.

"For how long?" The laughter faded from his face as he gazed down at me intently.

"Forever?"

His jaw tightened and his eyes darkened with emotion. "I'll take it."

He pulled me close as his lips settled gently onto mine again.

Just then, the security guard who'd been accompanying me made his presence known, looking more than a little uncomfortable at having to interrupt our sweet reunion.

"Um, I'm sorry about this, but they're calling for you James from backstage. We need to get you up there right away."

Jamie nodded reluctantly and wrapped a protective arm around my shoulders to guide me out of the crowded pit. Then we were winding our way back under the stage and up some stairs to the wings, where his guitar tech was pacing back and forth nervously. Everyone looked relieved at our appearance. A chair had been set up for Jamie and he sat down, pulling me down onto his lap. We sat staring at each other.

"Did...did you mean what you said back there?" He leaned up close so I could hear him. "Are you...are you really stayin' forever?"

I nodded shyly. "I didn't wanna be there anymore because...because you weren't there." Gently, I tucked a lock of hair behind his ear. "I only wanna be where you are."

"Leila"—he cupped my cheek as he caught and held my gaze fiercely—"I don't wantcha given up something you love cuz of me."

"Who says I have to give it up?" I smiled at him. "Besides, I love making music...but I love you more."

I watched the emotions pass over his face. "I love you Leila." I could hear the catch in his throat. "I can't even find the words to tell ya how much I fuckin' love you."

"Don't tell me then..." I whispered near his ear, "show me Jamie."

Pressed against him, I felt a growl come from deep in his chest as he pulled me closer, his lips finding their way to mine again. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I matched his hungry kisses as his mouth moved over mine with increasing urgency. We were both moaning with desire before finally pulling apart at the same time, gasping for air as we stared at each other.

I watched then as his cheeks began to color red, and he leaned his forehead on my shoulder. "Um, I think I got a little too excited," he muttered in embarrassment. "And I'm supposed to head back onstage any second."

I felt something hard under my ass and couldn't stop from finding humor at his familiar predicament. "Remember back in the day when you found yourself in the same...um...situation," I giggled, "you'd have to force yourself to only think about things that were a complete turn-off."

He snickered at that. "Do not ask me to picture our crazy old piano teacher naked again!"

We both laughed, and then I reluctantly climbed off his lap so that he could head back out. 

Settling his guitar over his shoulders, he gave me another lingering kiss and then stepped back. "Havin' ya here again with me Lei"—his lips spread into the smile I knew and loved so well—"it means everything." He gave me a wink, and then still grinning wide, jogged out onto the stage to finish the show.

"Being here with you Jamie," I whispered to myself as I watched him, "it means everything to me too."

~

I observed the rest of the show from the wings, tucked out of the way of the crew and techs running around. Once James caught site of me watching, he kept throwing megawatt smiles in my direction, and I could feel the happiness radiating off him, matched by my own joy. I was back where I belonged. We both were.

Afterwards, there was a mini celebration in the boys' dressing room as they toasted my unexpected return. As we drank some beers, the guys were in high spirits and the room filled with chatter as crew and guests came in and out. Jamie's gaze never left me once, as if he was afraid I'd disappear if he took his eyes off me for a moment. He was sitting in his robe, having taken a quick shower in the adjacent bathroom, and he was watching me, his soulful eyes easy to read for someone who knew him better than anyone. Abandoning my own chair, I made myself comfortable on his lap and he drew me close against him as I lay my head on his shoulder.

"I...I still can't believe yer here," he murmured quietly against my hair.

"I was miserable." I nestled closer. "I tried to stick it out with the GNR tour, I thought it was where I was supposed to be. Especially since I wasn't sure I was welcome at your door." I admitted tentatively.

He stiffened at that and I lifted my head to look at him, shame coloring my cheeks. "Why would ya ever think that Lei?" he asked in surprise. "How could you think that I didn't wantcha?"

"I made a mess of things the night before we parted," I muttered, looking down at my lap. "I told you I was ready for more and then I pushed you away. And then all that shit with Axl...I figured maybe you needed a break from me."

"The shit that went down with Axl was not yer fault baby," he said forcefully. "Me and him have been at each other for years; things were bound to blow up at some point. And"—he stroked my cheek with the back of his finger—"I wasn't mad either about you puttin' the breaks on things that night. Bummed? Yeah. Frustrated? Fuck yeah!" I giggled at that as he continued, "But I knew this was gonna take time, that we were gonna have setbacks along on the way. I'm not in this for the quick reward, I'm in this for the long haul. However long it takes for you to be ready for a relationship with me, to trust me again, to wanna make love again..." He trailed off then and his cheeks turned pink. 

I felt love rush through me, and my chest ached from the pressure. "Jamie..." I whispered for his ears only, "I am ready. For all of it."

His eyes widened and he stared at me in silence for long seconds. "Do...do you mean it Lei?" he choked out.

I couldn't speak, so I nodded instead. All he could do was smile at me in disbelief, the party around us going unnoticed as we held onto each other tightly.

Eventually, we slipped away from the crowd and had a car take us to the hotel the band was staying at. A bellhop, carrying my suitcases and bags, escorted us up to the room, while James held me against his side, laying kisses to my face and top of my head often. We were both giddy at being together, as if the reality of a life and future together were just beginning to take hold. 

Once in the suite, the bellhop placed my bags in the adjoining bedroom before leaving us alone.

"Are ya thirsty?" James asked tentatively and I nodded, the ability to speak suddenly deserting me.

He made his way to the wet bar across the room, while I wandered over and sat down on the sofa. My eyes were involuntarily drawn back to him as he rooted through the fridge before triumphantly pulling out a bottle of champagne. Looking away, I tried to distract myself by unwrapping the fifteen layers of clothing I'd worn on my travels from balmy Venezuela to arctic Denmark, but I couldn't stop myself from peeking back over at him.

Good lord I wanted him. So. Fucking. Bad.

Earlier, back at the concert as I watched him perform, I was mesmerized by the way he moved on stage. The way he played his guitar down low, drawing my attention to—

The sharp sound of the cork on the champagne popping brought me back to the present.

"Sorry!" Jamie called out cheekily from across the room as he bent back down to look for glasses in the cupboards.

Now I was staring at his ass. My fingers started itching; the need to touch him was overwhelming.

I suspected he knew exactly how he was affecting me. At the show, when he'd made his way to the side of the stage before their encore, he'd come and stood in front of me and slowly peeled his t-shirt off, leaving his sweaty chest and arms bare to my hungry stare. Maybe he'd thought to tease me a little, but then it was clear that he was just as turned on as me as he reached out and drew me close against him, his lips slamming down hard against mine as we clung to each other.

"Here ya go."

I had to blink a couple times to clear the image of us from earlier, looking up to see James handing me a glass of champagne. Suddenly I was in desperate need of a drink. "Th...thanks," I stammered as I took the glass and swallowed half of it.

He sat down next to me, his eyes widening as he watched me inhale my drink. I flushed self-consciously and pulled the glass from my lips. "You ok?" he asked quietly.

I nodded, my hair falling over my flushed cheeks. "Nervous," I murmured.

Taking the glass from my hand, he set our drinks on the coffee table in front of us and then twisted himself sideways. Reaching out, he took one of my hands in his, and I shifted so that I was facing him. My nerves began to fade, and I smiled sheepishly at him. 

Reaching out, he swiped the hair out of my face. "So, what happened in South America, with the tour?"

I made a face at his question. "I had an epiphany."

He lifted one eyebrow. "A what?" His reaction made me giggle.

"An epiphany, a realization. A frickin' lightning bolt shot out of the sky and knocked some sense into me."

"Oh yeah?" A slow smile spread across his face. "And what exactly did this epiphany tell ya?"

The smile on my face faded as I gazed at him earnestly, my heart out on full display. "That...that I was letting fear rule me. I was letting it take control of my life."

He grunted in response. "I know a thing or two about that."

"I know. It's how I recognized what I was doing to myself." I sighed. "I remembered back to the night you finally admitted you loved me. You battled against me so hard Jamie, you were so scared to open yourself up...and I called you a coward."

"I was a coward. I almost walked away from you because I was terrified to admit how I felt."

I squeezed his hand as I held his gaze intently. "And I've been a coward too."

"Leila, come on. It's not like I didn't give you a million reasons to doubt me."

"Maybe. But that night ten years ago when you finally admitted that you loved me...you put all your faith and trust in me. It was huge...for someone like you who was so shut off from the world, afraid to speak, afraid to depend on people. You were brave. And I realized that I needed to be brave too." I wiped away a wayward tear before continuing, "I recognized that I've been coming up with one reason or another to keep my distance from you. At first I was angry and hurt, but I had good reason to be and it was...it was a lot to come to terms with. But then it became less about what you had done and more about what you might do...if I was to let you back into my life. Turns out, that was a whole helluva lot harder to get past, cuz it all came down to whether I could trust you again. Trust you to be faithful, trust you to not hurt me again." I stopped for a moment to let my words sink in. He was watching me intently, and I could feel that he was holding his breath. "But all this time I was wrestling with whether or not I could trust you, you were showing me, in small ways and big ways, that you were still the same Jamie who's always had my back. And I realized that the truth has been staring me in the face the whole time. I know you. I know how much you love me. I know how much you've always protected me. And I know you won't put me through something like that again because you'd never want me to feel that kind of pain or live a life that is broken." I swallowed hard. "So now, like you did for me ten years ago, I...I am putting all my faith and trust in you."

I didn't even realize that tears were sliding down my face, but they matched the ones shining on James' cheeks.

"I feel like I've been waiting my whole life to hear you say that," he whispered hoarsely as the tears continued to slide down both our cheeks unchecked. "Thank you Leila."

I knew his words, simply spoken, held a wealth of meaning and gratitude as he pulled me into his arms.

We held each other as the tears fell, washing away years of pain, anger, and regret. The rock that had been wedged in my chest since the day that we had broken up, was gone. I felt free, happy, and for the first time since that day, truly hopeful for the future.

"So yer really here to stay," he finally murmured quietly. "Forever."

I was sitting on his lap, and I shifted a little to see him better. "Forever."

He smiled wide at that, but then his face dimmed a little. "This Metallica tour, it's goin' on into next year. I wantcha with me, but I know it's askin' a lot givin' up yer singing and yer life in L.A. to come on the tour with me."

I smiled at him tenderly as I reached up to stroke his face. "I told you Jamie, I only wanna be where you are. If you're on tour, then that's where I'll be too. Besides, I've been wanting to write my next album, I can do that anywhere."

His face lit up. "We'll get you set-up with some recording equipment so you can make some demos on the road. Whatever you need, I'll make sure it gets taken care of."

I grinned at his enthusiasm.

"Maybe I can persuade a certain guitar player to make a special appearance." I nudged him with my shoulder.

"I'm sure Kirk would be happy to help, cuz I cost way too much," he shot back without missing a beat.

"Ha!" I choked on my laughter before dolling out some teasing of my own. "That's ok"—I pretended to pick an invisible thread off my jeans—"I've met a number of musicians over the years who'd be more than happy to provide their...services."

I layered the last word with heavy innuendo, and James immediately tightened his hold on me, a growl coming from deep in his throat. "Fuck that!" He scowled playfully as he nuzzled my neck, tickling the sensitive spot there and making me giggle. "I'm the only one providing 'services' from now on."

I didn't have a comeback for that, instead, I stretched my neck so that he could get better access as his nuzzling turned to kissing. Working his way upwards his mouth found mine again, and thoughts of teasing fled as his mouth and tongue stoked the simmering desires I'd been trying to keep a handle on all night. I kissed him back eagerly, holding him tight against me as his hands smoothed up and down my back while my fingers tangled in the wild thickness of his hair. We were breathing heavy as our moans filled the room. Jamie finally pulled back, putting an end to our make-out session even though his eyes had turned midnight black with need.

I tried not to feel disappointed by his obvious intent to take things slow. We had all the time in the world now, and I knew we both wanted our first-time making love again to be perfect. So we talked then instead, about nothing in particular, just completely overjoyed to be back together. We cuddled on the couch with my head nestled in the crook of James' neck, the sound of his deep voice rumbling through his chest and through my body. For too many years I hadn't thought I'd ever feel this kind of happiness again as I did at that very moment. Completely and blissfully happy. And sleepy apparently, my eyelids drooping as I snuggled against him. On the flight there, I had fantasized about leading James to bed and making love to him all night, but I was barely conscious as I felt him carry me to the adjoining bedroom and remove my shoes and jeans before tucking me under the covers. Moments later he was sliding in next to me, pulling me into his arms as I yawned wide. My plans to seduce my ex-boyfriend-now-forever-and-ever-boyfriend, were going to have to wait a day as I felt myself slipping into slumber.

~

Over the next few days, we never left each other's side. I was in heaven. Waking up in his arms that next morning, he'd been watching me, his eyes crinkled from the smile stretching across his face. I grinned back and hadn't stopped smiling since.

We had almost the whole day before the short flight to their next show in Sweden, and James was on a mission to remedy my clothing situation when he realized I'd come straight from South America without even a sweater, much less a jacket. I looked pretty ridiculous sporting his sheepskin coat that he'd insisted I wear for our excursion, but it was warm, and I happily let him fuss over me as we ventured out into the streets of Copenhagen.

Everything was decorated for the holiday season, and it was magical walking hand in hand as we wandered through the quaint shopping district. We found a beautiful coat and sturdy winter boots, and Jamie insisted on hats, gloves and sweaters to go with. While he wasn't looking, I purchased some incredibly sexy lingerie, and my stomach tightened as I imagined making love to him again after all this time.

Except that we didn't make love later that evening once we'd settled into our hotel in Gothenburg, Sweden. Or Oslo. Or Helsinki. Not that we weren't making out like crazy every chance we got; the sexual tension was off the charts ridiculous every moment of every day. It got so bad, that half-way through the Oslo show, James and I had been staring hard at each other all night, and in the middle of one of Kirk's solos, Jamie stalked off stage towards me and pinned me up against a light rig and proceeded to ravage me with his mouth and hands until we were seconds from fucking each other in front of the entire Met crew. I knew he wanted me, I knew I wanted him, so what was he waiting for?

By the time we got to Helsinki, I'd pulled out every seduction trick in my (very), limited arsenal. I was dressing as sexy as the freezing temperatures would allow, and would station myself within eye shot of him at every show. I could see how his gaze would focus on me often, his eyes trailing over my body, his face tense with desire. After the show, we always blew off whatever party was happening and headed back to the hotel for something to eat, and then another marathon kissing session. But every time I'd go to remove my clothing or his, he'd stop me, and then make up some kind of excuse as to why we should get some sleep instead. I was dying for him. Even now, watching him with haunted eyes as he performed for the enthusiastic Finnish crowd, I was practically salivating as my gaze ran over every inch of him, my hands clenching and unclenching with the need to touch him. He was watching me, his eyes just as haunted. Why was he putting us through this, why couldn't he just give in?

Because the last time you took things farther, you freaked out.

Damn it, the voice was back. And she was right. Maybe James was wary of scaring me. Maybe he wanted to give me time to know if this is what I wanted. Maybe he was scared too. Maybe it was all of the above, but it didn't really matter because it only proved that he was the most caring man, and I was the luckiest woman to be loved by him.

The show ended and the boys came off stage exhilarated and sweaty. Jamie came towards me and I met him halfway, jumping into his arms and squeezing tight. I felt him laughing. Releasing him, I looked up into his grinning face. 

"What was that for? Not that I mind or anything," he chuckled as he accepted the towel I handed him and wiped off his face.

"Cuz you're amazing!" I shouted over the roar of the crowd as they stamped their feet and shouted for more.

James glanced back towards the stage. "That?" He ducked his head in embarrassment. "I dunno about amazing. I'm just doin' my best not to fuck up out there."

God he was adorable.

"I wasn't talking about your performance...though you kicked ass as usual." I slid my arms around his neck and brought his face closer to me. "I'm talking about how patient you are. And good. And wonderful."

He blushed red. "I'm sure yer about the only one on the planet who thinks that."

"I don't care what anyone else thinks. I know it. I feel it. And I love you so much for it."

Before he could say anything to contradict me, I brought my lips up to his, kissing him softly and sweetly as his arms slid around my waist to hold me close. Finally, I pulled back a little to look up at him, appreciating the tenderness and vulnerability revealed in the way he was gazing at me.

"I dunno what that was for, but I ain't complainin'," he murmured playfully as he held me tight.

I laughed at that as I kept my arms around him. "I just wanted you to know that I love you and I..." I trailed off then, wanting to get the words right. "I want you Jamie...but I can wait until the time is right and you're ready to be with me."

He let out kind of a strangled sound before leaning down until his forehead was resting against mine. "Ah fuck Lei, I've been ready since I was fifteen. I just didn't...I didn't wanna rush ya."

"I know, I know," I murmured. "And I love you for it. But I am ready. And if I don't get to touch you soon, I'm gonna lose my fuckin' mind."

He let out a deep throaty laugh at that before saying against my ear, "Don't worry baby, I've got something planned after the last show in Sweden. We're gonna make up for lost time, I promise."

Heat pooled between my legs and I let out a shiver he must have felt with his arms around me.

"How am I gonna get through the next few days without jumping you Jamie?"

Now it was he who was trembling. Letting out a long breath, he leaned back close to my ear again. "Just remember what it was like when we'd let the anticipation build, teasin' each other until we were dyin' to be alone and how amazing it was when we'd finally make love."

"Yeah, I remember." I pulled back a little and looked up at him saucily. "Still, six years of anticipation, I can almost guarantee you won't have to work that hard to please me."

He let out a huge laugh again and pulled me back in for another tight hug before we headed down to the dressing room, both of us laughing the entire way.

~

The last show of the European leg of the tour was in Stockholm, Sweden, and the band went out on a high note, giving a balls-to-the-wall performance. Even though I was beyond eager to find out what James had planned for us, I reigned in my impatience as we attended the big post-show party planned at a restaurant with beautiful views of the Riddarfjarden, a body of water that ran through the center of the city. Since it was a special occasion, I dressed extra nice in a form fitting silver dress that was a perfect choice considering it was a week until Christmas. I'm pretty sure Jamie appreciated the effort as he couldn't seem to keep his hands off me all night.

We ate, drank, and made the rounds talking to various members of the crew and the other guys in the band. Even though I was a little preoccupied, I still had a great time. Everyone was in high spirits knowing they were all heading home for a month of rest and relaxation.

We were standing in a group and Kirk was talking about how excited he was to be going back to the Bay Area and having some of his mom's home cooking, when it occurred to me that Jamie and I hadn't actually had a conversation yet about heading back home. Where was home for us? At some point, James and I found ourselves in a quiet nook in front of a huge picture window looking out over the water. Snow was falling outside and I was reminded again that Christmas was only a week away and I still had no idea where we'd be spending it.

"So"—I snuggled in closer to his side—"all this talk about traveling home for the holidays has me wondering where we'll go. I know you don't wanna stay at my place in LA"—I turned my head to look up at him over my shoulder—"and I'm not comfortable staying at your place...so...where does that leave us?"

He gave a small smile. "I've been thinkin' about that."

"You have?"

"Yep. I've been thinkin' about it since the moment we ran smack into each other in D.C."

I was surprised and his smile grew wider. "Really? But you couldn't have known we'd end up together like this. Could you?"

He turned his gaze out towards the view outside, his eyes looking faraway. "Naw, I never coulda imagined that. But...right after you left me in the hallway that day, it was like I could see our future again, it all came at me real quick, like I was watchin' a movie on fast forward. The life I'd always imagined but had to give up, it came back, and I saw us in our home, happy, kids—"

"Kids?" I croaked out.

He looked down at me and flushed. "I want all of it with you Leila."

I smiled shyly. "I want all of it with you Jamie."

Without another word, he tipped my chin up and his lips came down softly against mine. Turning in his arms, I held him close and his hands reached around me to hold my head still as he rained kiss after kiss over my lips and face.

Coming up for air, the smile was back on his face as he gazed at me. "We'll live wherever you want baby." His voice sounded thick with emotion, so he stopped and cleared his throat before continuing in a lighter tone, "For now, I figured we'd head back to LA and spend Christmas with our families."

"I love that idea."

"I thought you might." He grinned. "But before we head west, I have a little side trip planned for us first."

"Oh yeah?" I smiled slyly.

"I told you I had something up my sleeve when we finished this leg."

"Really?" I played dumb. "I don't recall you mentioning that."

His eyes narrowed. "Yeah, yer full of shit," he murmured huskily as he drew me closer until I was pressed tight against his body. "I know it's the only thing you've been thinkin' about, just like it's the only thing I've been able to think about. Bein' alone, together, touching..."

My throat went dry as I stared up at him. "Jamie..." I whimpered.

His eyes darkened as he saw the blatant need on my face. "I'm takin' you away tomorrow, I have it all figured out. Just you and me." His voice dropped to a growl as one hand slipped down to my ass and began to gently knead and squeeze my flesh. "I'm gonna make love to you Leila," he whispered hotly against my ear. "I'm gonna touch every inch of this beautiful body, and make you forget that we were ever apart."

With that proclamation, he swooped in for another kiss that had my heading spinning and my body wishing that tomorrow would hurry up and get here already.

~

True to his word, James had all the arrangements taken care of. A car took us to the airport where a chartered plane was idling. He wouldn't tell me our destination, but I figured it out a few hours later as we came in over the Swiss Alps. We landed in the city of Bern, where another car was waiting on the tarmac to take us to our end destination. Despite my growing excitement and heightened nerves to what lay ahead, I still had my nose pressed against the window in awe as the mountains in the distance grew bigger and bigger.

We drove about an hour until we came to one of the most beautiful towns I'd ever seen. James finally filled me in that we were in Grindelwald, Switzerland, and I gazed out at the quaint shops and restaurants as we passed through the center of town. Climbing further up the snow-covered mountain, eventually the car came to a stop in front of a chalet nestled into some trees and isolated from prying eyes. It was storybook perfect, and I grinned excitedly at James as I scrambled out of the car.

The door to the chalet opened and a uniformed man came out to greet us, introducing himself as the concierge for a nearby luxury hotel which owned and operated the chalet as part of its property. Leading us inside while the driver took care of the bags, the concierge gave us a tour of the cottage, which included a living room with a huge stone fireplace and giant windows framing the stunning view of the valley below and mountains around. There was also a small kitchen, and though we were told that all meals would be brought in with a simple call to the hotel's kitchen, the refrigerator had been fully stocked with food and beverages, certainly more than either of us would ever be able to finish in the three nights we were booked. Finally, we were shown to the bedroom, where a massive bed dominated the room, facing out towards another wall of windows with the same spectacular view. My eyes never left the bed though, and I could feel Jamie's gaze burning into me. I couldn't look at him though for fear I would push him down on that bed, despite not being alone.

The bags were brought in and placed in the bedroom while the concierge rattled off more information to James. I made my way back out to the lit fireplace, stretching my hands to warm them, my thoughts straying back to the bed in the other room. I was vaguely aware that the driver and hotel agent were making their way out and then the door was closed and locked, and I knew we were alone. 

I felt, rather than saw, him come closer. "Is this...is this alright?"

My heart melted at the uncertainty in his voice. "It's perfect Jamie," I breathed as I turned to watch him come towards me. "Everything about this place is perfect."

He grinned bashfully and I melted even more.

"I don't know about you, but I'm starving," he admitted sheepishly as he took another step closer. "Apparently they made some food for us. Or I can call and have them bring something—"

I shook my head. "Whatever we have here is fine. I don't want—" I stopped and blushed. "I don't want anyone else interrupting our time."

He nodded in agreement. "Yeah, me too."

We smiled at each other, and then our stomachs reminded us we hadn't eaten a bite in hours. I went and grabbed the tray of cheeses, cut meats, and fruit that had been prepared for our arrival, while James found a bottle of wine. We carried our feast to the sofa and had a picnic in front of the fire while watching the shadows shift and darken over the valley below.

As we ate and talked, the day gave way to night. Though I was conscious the entire time of what the evening held for us, I couldn't ignore how magical it was to be in this beautiful place with James, and I was touched by all the effort he'd obviously gone through to make it a truly special experience. Now that we were here, I knew it had been worth the wait.

I didn't realize I was staring off into space, a dreamy smile on my face, until he waved a hand in front of me. "You still with me?" he murmured, laughter lurking behind his words. "What were you thinkin' about?"

I blushed and ducked my head. "I...I'm glad we waited to...you know." I finally met his gaze. "This place"—I gestured to indicate the room around us—"it's so beautiful, like a fairytale."

He leaned towards me, and I watched as his eyes darkened with emotion. "I've fucked up so much Lei." I opened my mouth to protest but he wouldn't let me. "It's true, I have. But I wanted—no, I needed—to get this right. I want this to be perfect...because you deserve to have the best of everything. I just wanna make you happy Lei."

My vision got a little blurry. Placing my hands on his face, I tugged him closer, smiling tenderly as I looked him straight in the eye. "The only thing I need to make me happy Jamie, is you."

I kissed him then, reiterating my declaration of love and devotion. He was all I needed. He was all I ever needed. And I needed him now, I was done with waiting.

Pulling away before things got too heated, I hopped up from the couch as he reached for me.

"Where ya goin'? he asked huskily.

"I'm gonna go get changed." Nodding towards the bedroom, suddenly too shy to meet his gaze. "I'll be back shortly." I turned to walk away and then turned back again. "Stay here." I gestured towards the couch. "Don't move."

Dashing into the other room, I closed the door behind me and leaned against it as my cheeks flushed red with embarrassment. If I'd been hoping to be seductive and sexy, I was doing a piss poor job. Letting out a sigh, I pushed off the door and searched through my suitcases for my toiletry bag and the lingerie I'd bought for the occasion.

Ten minutes later, I stood in front of the full-length mirror in the attached bathroom and turned from side to side, assessing my appearance. I gave myself a mental high-five for the ensemble I'd hastily purchased without trying on; all the pieces fit perfectly. A pale blue negligee made of lace and sheer fabric hugged my body in all the right places, barely concealing the skin underneath. It was tied closed with a ribbon underneath at my breasts, pushing the flesh there up and together, creating a provocative amount of cleavage. A matching set of high cut panties finished off the look. Turning off the lights in the bathroom, I made to go join James.

Suddenly, I felt a wave of anxiety roll right over me, causing my body to tremble and crushing the confidence I'd felt only moments before. It had been over six and a half years since James and I had made love, and that reality was hitting me hard. What if I wasn't any good at "it" anymore? Not that I'd forgotten how, but I'd only had two partners in that time, it wasn't like I'd been perfecting my sexual prowess at all. What if I didn't live up to his expectations? I knew in my heart that what we felt for each other elevated our physicality to some other level, but still, the moment of truth was here, and suddenly I was terrified that he'd be disappointed.

"Leila," came from outside of the bedroom door, accompanied by a soft knock. "You ok baby?"

My throat was thick with tension and I couldn't get a word out.

"Leila"—he sounded worried now—"what the hell is goin' on?" There was a pause. "I'm comin' in."

Before I could tell him not to, I could see the door open and his body was silhouetted by the light from the fireplace as he stood looking into the dark room.

"Where are you baby?"

"Here," I called out meekly as I watched the plans for my big seduction go up in flames. "In the bathroom."

I could hear him moving through the other room, cautiously trying to avoid the bedroom furniture. There was a soft thunk and muttered "fuck!" as he obviously lost that battle, then I could see him at the door leading into the bathroom, though he was just a shadow in the dark. He moved slowly until he was standing in front of where I was frozen still.

"Are you hurt, are you ok?" he asked so lovingly, I thought I might cry. "Why are you standing here in the dark Lei?"

"I...I was getting ready...for...for you," I stuttered, feeling like the biggest idiot on the planet. "But, I...I got scared..."

"Of what?" I could hear the wheels turning in his head. "Of me? Were you scared of makin' love? Aw Lei, baby, we don't hafta do anything if yer not ready."

His sweetness put me over the edge and tears began to roll down my cheeks. "I am ready Jamie," I murmured, tears making my words thick. "It's just, what if—"

I stopped abruptly and sniffled, and I felt him move closer as his hand reached out and somehow found my face. "Don't cry baby," he whispered as he stroked my wet cheek. "Whatever it is, we'll figure it out. Come on."

I felt him reach out and wrap his fingers tight around my hand. Keeping his grip on me, he led me as we wound our way back out towards the living room, where a cozy glow emanated from the fireplace and candles that Jamie had apparently lit and placed around the room.

"Ok, let's sit back down over here on the couch and you can tell me what has you so freaked ou... Holy shit Lei!"

I'd been staring at the floor, and I looked up quickly to see him staring at me, his eyes and mouth wide open in shock. Looking down, I remembered then my outfit. "Surprise." I let go of his hand and spread my arms out awkwardly.

He just stood there staring at me, his eyes still wide while he swallowed convulsively. Finally, he found his voice again. "Is this...is this for me?" he asked hoarsely.

"Yeah." My voice sounded breathy to my own ears.

I did a slow turn, keeping my gaze on him the entire time as his face became flushed and his eyes went black with desire. "Is it...is it ok?" I whispered since my own throat was suddenly dry.

He took a step closer and reached out a hand to run down my bare arm, his touch like fire against my skin. "It's more than ok." He swallowed. "Yer so beautiful Leila. More perfect than even my dreams could create."

I made some kind of an "o" sound at that, and he finally seemed to snap out of the daze he was in. Pulling his gaze away, he looked around and then snatched a throw blanket from the back of the sofa. Stepping in front of me, he wrapped the blanket around my shoulders, concealing my state of undress, and then took me and steered me over to sit down on the couch. He sat down next to me but was quiet as he stared fiercely into the flames of the fire.

Finally, he let out a long breath. When he spoke, his voice sounded low and raw. "Why...why were you scared Lei?"

I blinked at him, momentarily forgetting my breakdown in the bathroom only a handful of minutes earlier. "I...I went in to put on something sexy." I paused as I slid a sideways look at him, but he was still staring into the fire. "I wanted to look pretty for you. But then I suddenly felt all of this anxiety, it just hit me so hard. I knew we were finally going to make love, but...but then I realized that maybe..."—I looked at him sideways again, hoping to gauge his reaction—"maybe you'd be...disappointed with me." I said the last part quick, feeling ashamed by my self-doubts.

His reaction was immediate as his eyes swung towards me, wide with surprise. "Disappointed?" He shifted his body around fully to face me and his expression softened. "Yer the best thing that's ever happened to me Lei, how could I ever be disappointed with you?"

Those soulful eyes and heart melting words were doing a number on my emotions, but I tried to reign them in. "But Jamie, it's been a long time since you and I were...together. What if...what if...I can't live up to yer expectations? What if I can't...you know...satisfy you, like when we were younger?"

He made a kind of choking sound, and I could see that he was struggling to control his features into some semblance of calm. I had no idea what he was thinking though.

"Leila, I've been worried about a lotta things since you came back into my life, but I can honestly say, you not bein' able to please me sexually was never on that list." He rubbed a hand over his face. "I mean Jesus baby, I'm ready to explode just knowin' yer dressed like..."—he pointed a finger at me—"like my fuckin' ultimate fantasy come to life. I put that blanket on ya cuz I can't just sit here when yer lookin' that desirable, and all I wanna do is peel off that nightie and get to what's underneath." He snapped his mouth shut then, and I sat staring at him. 

Then I felt a warmth steal over me as his words penetrated my brain. "You mean this blanket?" I asked softly as I shrugged it from my shoulders, letting it slide off onto the sofa.

He swallowed hard again but didn't move, his jaw and hands clenched tight as he resisted making any kind of move that might scare me. It was clear that I'd have to take the lead. Moving slowly, I rose from the sofa and stood looking down at him for a moment, before settling a knee next to his hip and straddling him. Lowering myself down gently, I settled firmly onto his lap, his cock already hard and ready, pushing up against his jeans.

"Aw fuck Lei." He let out on a groan as he reached one hand around to grab my backside and hold me against him while the other hand reached up to cup my cheek.

We stared at each other for a long time, the hunger and heat between us at a point of no return.

"Make love to me Jamie," I whispered urgently. "We've waited long enough."

He crushed me against him then as his lips came down hard on mine. Bringing his other hand around, he slid both hands over my ass, gripping the flesh there so that he could gently rock my body against his. My mouth flew open at the feel of him sliding against me, and he took the opportunity to slip his tongue between my lips, slicking along the inside of my mouth as our moans broke the silence of the room. The friction and feel of our bodies moving against each other sent any doubts or insecurities straight out of my head. All that mattered was Jamie and me, and how good it felt to be together again.

Our kissing was getting more frenetic as our tongues did battle, and I rode myself against James' crotch, my body blazing back to life. Feeling like I had too much clothing on, though my negligee could barely be considered clothing, I broke our kiss and leaned back a little, my hips continuing to move on their own volition. James' chest was rising and falling rapidly as he watched me with hooded eyes, his focus drawn to my fingers as they went to the ribbon holding my negligee in place. Slowly and deliberately, I pulled on the satin ribbons until they were untied, and my breasts spilled out of their confinement. He sucked in a sharp breath and then he was on them, his hands and mouth devouring the flesh there as I threw back my head and reveled in the feel of his touch on me.

I could feel the oh so familiar and sweet tension begin to build deep inside of me. Between the worshipping my breasts were receiving and the continuous pressure against my sex, I was quickly building towards a climax. I didn't want to orgasm yet, it needed to wait until James was inside of me.

"Jamie," I whimpered, gritting my teeth against the immense pleasure coursing through my body. "We have to stop."

It took him a moment for my words to register, but his movements slowed and then came to a halt. "Was...was it too much Lei?" His voice was low and rough, and I felt myself shiver with desire.

I looked down at him below me, and though his jaw was clenched tight with the effort to keep still, the worry in his eyes made my heart melt again. I smiled down at him tenderly and the stress on his face dissipated. "It's perfect," I whispered. "You're perfect." He smiled at that. "It feels so good...too good. I didn't want to...to—"

"Finish the race before it started?" he finished for me.

I clapped a hand over my mouth as I let out a laugh at his reference to our first time together. We'd both been so inexperienced and yet so eager, that our passions had sometimes seemed to get ahead of themselves. Apparently, it really was true that some things never changed.

"Exactly." I nodded as I reached out to gently run my fingers along his bearded jaw. "I want to be making love to you when I cum baby," I murmured as I watched his face flush with desire. "I want to feel you cumming with me."

Instead of replying, he growled low. Taking that as an affirmation, I climbed off him and waited while he stood up straight to tower in front of me. With the glow from the fire dancing off his face, I had a sudden urge to see more of him illuminated in the warm light. Reaching out, I grabbed the bottom of his long sleeve shirt and pushed it up his body until he pulled it off the rest of the way and tossed it aside. My fingers were itching bad as I stared at the expanse of skin and muscle in front of me. Reaching out, tentatively I laid my palm against his chest, the excitement he was feeling evident by the hammering of his heart underneath my hand. Leaning forward, I flicked my tongue quickly over a nipple, feeling his body stiffen and shudder. Feeling empowered, I licked more, my tongue slaving over first one nipple and then the other, all the while, my hands moved over his shoulders and arms, and then lower to his stomach. He was trembling, and I knew he was getting closer to that finish line too.

Stretching up, my lips found his again and he wrapped his arms around my waist and hauled me tight against him, the sensation of my naked breasts being pressed against his bare chest making me moan loudly into his mouth. Suddenly, I felt myself being lifted off the ground, and without another word, Jamie carried me into the bedroom. The light from the living room was enough to see by in the dark space as he laid me on the bed and stretched out next to me. His mouth was back on mine immediately, our tongues tangling and battling as I writhed on the bed, ready for more. He still understood my body well, and I felt his hand trail over my skin as he began to explore and reacquaint himself with all the sensitive spots that had been craving his touch for too long. I was on fire, and when his mouth left mine so that he could lick and kiss at my neck and breasts, I couldn't hold back from sighing his name over and over.

Working his lips back to mine, I felt his hand continue down, sliding over my stomach and then hesitating for a moment before slipping under the waistband of my panties. His fingers found my wet heat, sinking in deep as my back arched off the bed. "Fuck baby," he muttered roughly, "yer soaked for me."

His words were making me hotter and his fingers began to push in and out, pleasuring me. I was lost now.

"Jamie please," I pleaded, "please."

I didn't have to name what I needed; he knew.

Slowly, he withdrew his hand before shifting off the bed. I lay there watching him, my body one trembling and twisting mass of charged electricity as I waited for him to come back and take me to the place that only he could. I felt his hands on me again, capturing my panties in his long fingers and slowly sliding them down off my legs. Every few inches or so, he'd stop and place a kiss on the inside of one leg or the other, heightening my need until I was almost weeping from it. Then he came to stand next to where I lay, unbuttoning his jeans and sliding them and his underwear off in one motion. Stepping out of them, he stood there for a moment looking down at me as I stared at him, taking in all of him. 

Reaching out a trembling hand, I wrapped my fingers around his cock and began to gently stroke it. His head fell back, and I could feel him shaking as he began to moan. "Leila..." he rasped as his hips began to move, pumping himself faster within my grasp. 

Abruptly, he stopped and then pulled back out of my reach quickly, stumbling a little. Standing with his hands on his hips, he dropped his head down while his chest heaved in and out like he'd been running. I knew he was close to losing it, and so I waited patiently while he pulled himself together.

"You..." he murmured roughly, "you make me feel like that nineteen-year-old boy who is completely in awe of his beautiful girl." He lifted his head to look at me, and I could feel his eyes burning into me, even in the dark. "I'm still in awe Leila."

There were no words for everything I was feeling at that moment, so I reached my arms out to him in a silent plea to end the ache of too many years apart. He didn't hesitate as he came back to the bed, kneeling between my legs and settling over me as I wrapped my arms around him and held him tight. The emotions of the moment quickly gave way to the extraordinary feel of his body pressed intimately against mine. His legs tangled with my legs, his chest crushing the softness of my breasts, his lips pressed against my neck, his cock nestled into the folds of sex. My body was demanding more though, and almost unconsciously, I tilted my hips and rocked them forwards, feeling him slide up and down against my moist heat.

"Oh fuck Lei," he groaned as he raised his head up to stare down at me. "I'm tryin' to take it slow for ya baby, but yer makin' it fuckin' impossible."

"Screw taking it slow baby," I pressed up against him, "I need you to fuck me now."

James let out an expletive before lifting his body up and shifting his weight onto his knees. Then slowly, he slid his cock into me.

"Jamie!" I cried out at the sensation of him filling me.

His mouth came down on mine, swallowing my moans and whimpers as he started thrusting into me, his pace unhurried. Our bodies found their harmonic rhythm immediately, as if we'd never been apart. We could still anticipate each other's needs and responses, knowing exactly how and where to bring the most pleasure to each other. Our groans of delight were peppered with whispered words of adoration. James had been right when he said that I was the kind of person who needed the act of making love to be about love. My heart and body were singing with joy.

Reaching around me, he gripped my ass and lifted me up, angling himself so that his thrusts became deeper and more intense. I was practically sobbing his name now as I clung to him, my arms wrapped around his shoulders as I pushed back up against him. He was breathing hot against my ear, guttural moans and growls vibrating up through his chest, and in between, chanting my name like a mantra. I could feel the pressure growing now, that combination of tension and anticipation that had my body buzzing as it built steadily.

"Oh god baby," I moaned into his neck, "I'm getting so close, I can't stop it."

"Don't hold back," he rasped, "cum for me Leila."

He started thrusting faster, and suddenly I felt the white-hot explosion of my orgasm hit me, like my whole being came apart and back together, all in that same moment.

"Jamie!" I screamed out, though I wasn't sure if I'd made any noise at all, so intense were the sensations wracking my body.

As if from far away, I heard him cry out my name, and I knew he was feeling the same intensity as his body shook and shuddered violently, his arms strained as he tried to keep from crushing me. Then we were collapsing into each other, holding each other tightly as we trembled and shivered, the power of the moment leaving us both exhausted and speechless.

It was a very long time before either of us could move. He was still laying on top of me, but I didn't mind the weight. I cherished the feel of his body on mine, it was tangible proof of what we'd just experienced.

I realized then, that not once did I think about the other women he'd been with, or the other men I'd been with, or even, whether or not we could live up to the expectations of our past. It had been as passionate and all-consuming as I remembered. In fact, it was better. Maybe it was being apart. Having perspective to appreciate how special our connection really was, it had added a depth to our love making. Whatever the reason, all I knew was that I was incredibly grateful to have this beautiful man back in my life. I was never letting him go again.

"Are you ok?"

I looked up into his face so close to mine, and even in the dark, I could see the worry in his eyes.

"Of course, better than ok," I whispered softly.

"Yer cryin'."

"I am?"

He nodded, and in the dim light, I caught a glimmer of wetness on his face. "You're crying too."

He wiped at his cheek. "I can't help it. It...it was incredible Lei."

"I know."

"Even more powerful than when we were kids."

"It was."

We were quiet for a moment as we stared at each other.

"I never thought we'd have this again, but I am so fuckin' grateful to be here with you, like this." He spoke so tenderly, I felt fresh tears flood my eyes.

"I still have to pinch myself that we're back together again," I murmured softly. "I wanted this, even when we were apart, deep down, I still wanted you to be my forever."

He smiled shyly at that before gently brushing a curl from my damp face. "I love you Leila."

"I love you Jamie."

He leaned down and kissed me gently, and then kept me wrapped up tight in his arms as we reveled in the moment, both of us moved beyond words to be back together, finally in every sense of the word.

We made love over and over the next couple of days, holed up in our little piece of heaven. It wasn't like the past was forgotten, it would take time for those memories and for the hurt to truly fade to nothing, but neither of us was interested in spending a minute more dwelling on it anymore. Not when the present and future held the promise of true happiness and peace.

We finally made it out of the chalet the last full day of our stay. A car took us into town and we spent a couple hours shopping for Christmas gifts to take home to our family and friends. We didn't last long before the itch to be alone got the better of us, barely making it back before we were undressing each other and making love again, on the sofa this time, in front of a fire that someone had come and made us for us while we were gone.

Touching and tasting, our bodies moved in perfect tempo as we reached that place of absolute connection and love, the place we'd only ever found with one another. Collapsing in each other's arms, we kissed and murmured sweet nonsensicals until we fell asleep, our bodies tangled.

When we woke a few hours later, the sun had gone behind the mountains and the sky was streaked with violet and purple as the day turned to night. James added more wood to the fire, and we stayed on the couch in a couple of the chalet's borrowed robes, sharing some wine as we watched the shadows deepen on the snowy mountains.

I caught the flash of his teeth as he smiled at something. "I'm rememberin' now why we rarely left our apartment."

I giggled at that and his smile widened to a grin. "We could never seem to get enough of each other," I agreed. "Whether it was making love, or talking, or just being in the same room; it didn't matter what we were doing, we were always happiest when we were together."

He was quiet for a moment as he stared into the fire. "I almost forgot for a while there how it feels to be happy, ya know, instead of just pretendin' to be happy. What it's like to feel complete, and not just slogging through every day with no reason." He paused and took a breath before looking sideways at me, the emotions on his face breaking my heart. "I never wanna go back to that again."

"You won't, neither of us are." I leaned forward as I kept his gaze locked with mine. "I'm in this with you." I whispered those last words against his lips before kissing him softly. 

He pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me, deepening the kiss. A few minutes went by and the only sound in the room was the crackling of the fire and our soft moans as we kissed over and over. Finally, we came up for air and I smiled shyly at him, my fingers toying with the lapel of his robe. "You know, I'm awfully rested now from that nap."

He threw back his head and laughed at my hint. "Ah baby, you know I'd like nothing more than to go for round two on this couch, but first there's something I wanna talk to you about."

I pretended to pout. "No more talking," I sulked playfully, "there's been far too much talking over the last few months. We need more doing." I giggled. "Lot's and lots of doing." He laughed again before capturing my lips in a wet hot kiss. My giggles quickly turned to sighs as his tongue plunged into my mouth, teasing me until I was shaking with need. "Jamie," I whimpered urgently.

He tore his mouth from mine, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath. "Jesus Lei, why do I think I can only touch ya a little? I'm an idiot for thinkin' I can have just a taste, cuz you feel so good, and you taste so good, I can't ever be satisfied with just a little. I need all of it." His tone changed, and I felt the air around us shift. "I need all of you Leila."

I blinked back tears at the naked vulnerability in his words. Cupping his cheeks lovingly, I was swallowed whole by the emotional intensity of his ocean blue eyes. "You have me baby," I promised fiercely. "You'll always have me."

He gave a small smile then, but I could read the tension in his face. "And you have me." One corner of his mouth quirked wryly. "Hell, I've belonged to you since the moment I walked in and saw you that day when we were nine. My angel. My savior." I caught the wonder in his voice. "The most amazing best friend I coulda ever asked for...and the most incredible woman a man could ever dream of. You've been by side my entire life...even when you weren't. I never woulda made it if it weren't for you, I woulda given up years ago. But you've been my constant, pushin' me, supporting my big crazy dreams...makin' me see that I was worthy of bein' happy.' He paused and took a breath. "Lovin' me though, that was the greatest gift you coulda ever given me. I owe you everything Leila, my heart, my body, my soul...they're all yers, they have been since the day we met. I'm never gonna leave you again, cuz there's no point to this livin' thing if it's not with you."

He stopped then and reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out a small box. My breath died in my throat as everything around us ceased to exist. It was only Jamie and me, and in that moment, I felt my world shifting once again.

"I've been holdin' onto this for a long time." He held up the box and slowly opened the lid to reveal the most perfect ring I'd ever seen. "It's always been you Leila," he murmured huskily. "Just you. Please marry me baby."

I stared at the ring in stunned silence for a moment before my eyes flew to his face. He was watching me, his expression hopeful, but his body braced for rejection. But it never occurred to me to say no, this was all I had ever wanted too, Jamie and me forever. I'd come so close to this happiness before, and now knowing a life without James, I knew without a doubt that there was nothing in existence that I wanted more than to spend the rest of my life by his side.

"Yes," I whispered, tears already making my throat tight. "Yes, I'll marry you Jamie. I'll marry y—"

I didn't finish though because he crushed me to him, squeezing me so tight, I could feel the tremors rippling through his body. My heart shattered as it dawned on me how terrified he'd been at the possibility of my saying no.

"I'm yours Jamie," I found myself whispering over and over as he held me. "I'm yours."

We didn't move for a very long time as we held each other tight. Finally, he lifted his teary eyes to mine, and we both let out a breath at the same time, which then made us laugh. The laughter broke the tension.

"I need to make this official baby," he said roughly. 

Removing the ring from the box, he slid it onto my finger, placing a kiss on my hand before laying my palm against his cheek. I watched wide-eyed at the myriad of expressions that crossed his face. 

"Nothin's more important than this right here. You and me Leila." His voice was hoarse. "I'm makin' that vow to you right now; I don't wanna wait for a wedding for you to hear that from me ok?" I nodded at him, unable to speak. "I ain't lettin' fear, ego, Metallica, nothin', from comin' between us again. I love you Leila Rose McKinnon, I always have, and I always will. That's my vow to you."

It was so much to take it, so much to feel. So many years of yearning and then loving and then losing. If there was some divine plan for the path that James and I had taken, I couldn't begin to fathom the purpose except to bring us to this exact point. The path had been muddled, painful at times, and indescribably joyful at others, but maybe that's what made this moment even more profound than I could have ever imagined. James and me, it wasn't just about loving each other, it was about completing each other in ways we couldn't if we were apart. I understood that now, and I knew he did as well. Whatever pain we'd experienced in the past, it couldn't hold us back any longer from the future we both saw waiting.

"I love you James Alan Hetfield," I whispered the words with aching tenderness, "and I won't let anything come between us again. Especially your fears or mine. I'm your girl, now and forever. That is my vow to you."

He kissed me then, sealing our promises as a quiet snow blanketed the world outside.

Epilogue

I can't sleep. I've been tryin' for hours but my brain won't turn off long enough to let it happen. Not that I really mind that much, cuz I can watch you sleep instead.

Yer mumbling something, so I lean in closer and smile in satisfaction when I hear you whisper my name.

Jamie

I can tell by the small smile on yer beautiful face it's a good dream. You deserve nothin' but good dreams baby, and I'm gonna make sure that those nightmares don't ever come back to haunt you ever again. I wish I could wipe them from yer memory. I wish I could wipe a lotta things from yer memory. Most of them caused by me, cuz I stupidly thought I knew everything. I didn't know shit, I've realized that now. Given another chance, I never woulda made that kinda mistake Lei, cuz I see now how badly I hurt you. I think I'll always be pissed at myself for thinkin' that breakin' yer heart was the better option. See, I was afraid of the monster, but as it turns out, I played right into the monster's hands. Cuz you were right, I'd never raise a hand to you, and yer far too strong to have let the darkness in me take us both. So even though I won't say it out loud, cuz it'll just piss ya off to be reminded...but every day, I'll be tellin' you I'm sorry for puttin' ya through that pain. And I'll be thankin' god that you saw yer way through to give me another chance. I won't let you down Leila.

I feel something deep in me now, deeper than the pain and the fear I'm always fightin' against. Do you know what it is? It's hope. That's what you've given me. Hope that I'm more than just some broken soul who's never gonna dig his way outta the hole he got himself into. I am diggin' myself out though baby, cuz I see what' ahead for me, for us. It's so fuckin' beautiful Lei, that future I can see again; gettin' married, and you and me havin' our own kids. It's so fuckin' beautiful that now I can't sleep cuz I'm too excited. But that's ok, I don't need sleep, I just need you. And now yer mine. That ring on yer finger is just for show, cuz it's really all about the love you have for me that tells me yer mine. 

And I'm yers Lei.

Aw fuck baby, I've always been yers. No one else makes my heart and body come alive like you do, and I hope someday you'll see that those other women never mattered, and not a single one ever made me wantcha any less. I know it hurts ya still, and I'll be honest, I feel like I wanna die when I think about you with other men. But that'll all fade Leila, I'll make sure you never feel like you hafta worry about anyone comin' between us; I'm never gonna be with anyone else but you. I ain't gonna be one of those guys who acts like what they do on the road doesn't affect who he is at home. I love and respect you too much Lei, and I'm not afraid of sayin' that yer the only one I want. Maybe that scares the hell outta some guys, but not me. They dunno what it's like to be loved by you Lei, but I do. And it's all I need.

I hear you whispering my name again baby, and now I'm thinkin' there's no way I'm not gonna wake you up and make love to you right now; I don't think you'll mind though. But first, I wanna thank you for bein' my salvation. Every good thing that's happened in my life and every good thing that I've come to believe about myself, are because of you. I know I've made a career outta bein' angry at the world, but deep down, I've got so much to be thankful for, and I never woulda gotten here if it weren't for you leadin' the way. So, thank you my beautiful angel, thank you for sayin' yes and makin' all my dreams come true. 

"I can't wait to spend the rest of forever with you."