hehehe unrequited love jokomace hehehehe
chuckles evilly im not that sorry for this
also it is literally one am here if there are any mistakes i will fix them when im fully awake <33
fic title from ; fever dream by mxmtoon
pairing ; jokomace [john/joko + mason/undrscrmason]
prompt ; joko loves mason.
cws/tws ; vague descriptions of a panic attack.
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joko thinks too much.
usually, it's about something mundane, something unusual and stupid that no one cares about. he thinks about his home smelling like zucchini, - no, wait, it was aubergine - he thinks about school and how he most definitely isn't failing classes, he thinks about eating his sock, thinks about getting rage married sometime soon, but the most important thing he thinks about is mason.
mason, with his cutely curled hair that, when it's too long, falls into his eyes, mason, with his beautiful sienna eyes that seem to read into joko's soul whenever he looks at him, mason, with his honeyed, orotund voice that joko could listen to forever, mason, with his ways of changing personality so quickly, it gives joko whiplash.
joko thinks about mason too much.
he doesn't mind it, far from it. he thinks he's in love with mason, thinks about spending time with him, thinking about spending the rest of his life with him, and sometimes, joko yearns.
he lays awake at night, thinking of holding mason's hand in his, imagining mason's arms wrapping around him, holding him securely, and silently curses the muted darkness for showing him how somber his love is. when he falls asleep, he dreams of mason's lips pressing against his, as gentle and soft as a gossamer petal, and when he awakens in the morning, slivers of amber sunlight slipping through the cracks in his blinds, there are tears in his eyes and his heart aches.
his heart aches because he's unsure if he deserves to love mason. he knows he loves him, but does he deserve mason? does he deserve to be happy with him, to think, to dream of being happy with him? he hasn't done anything wrong, but when that anxiety hits, when mason doesn't answer his messages for a few days and joko doesn't want to bother, those thoughts creep up on him, leaking into his mind like a cascading waterfall, and it hurts.
mason always answers, though. mason answers and assures him that it's fine, that he didn't feel like answering anyone, that something happened or his internet cut out, tells joko he's not angry if joko texts and promises him it'll be ok.
joko likes mason's promises. he likes them a lot, too much, but the day will come where mason breaks a promise, where he will make a promise he cannot keep, where he will take joko's heart and mind and soul and break it.
joko thinks too much.
he thinks and he thinks and he thinks and he gets lost in his mind, but he can't help it. he can't help himself. he can't help that he's like this. joko wants to hold his hand, he wants to sit and watch the sunset outside, he wants to rest on the couch with mason's head in his lap, he wants to feel his love, his temporary touch, he wants to be able to reach out and feel mason, to know and assure himself that he's there with him, he wants to laugh and cry with him, he wants to be with him, but he can't. he doesn't know if he deserves it. he doesn't know if he can think about him like that. it hurts.
he stands at the airport, nervousness racking his body. his chest feels tight, his heart aches, his head hurts, and he wishes he couldn't feel. mason is arriving in wyoming after a little over two hours of flying from california, and joko is nervous.
he's nervous because mason will be staying for a while and joko doesn't know if he can handle it, if he can keep the words at bay, if he can keep his feelings at bay. he bites at his fingers anxiously, he feels like he's suffocating, but he still stands there, waiting. mason disembarks from the plane moments later, eyes drooping and his expression sour, but when he notices joko, he smiles. his smile washes over joko, makes him feel this incredible feeling of serenity and adoration for the other man as he comes closer. "hey, joko," he says, once he's in hearing distance, and joko smiles back, awkwardly stuffing his hands in his pockets and shuffling forward to meet mason in the middle.
"hey." he pauses, but mason doesn't, moving forward to wrap his arms around the taller man happily, and joko freezes, then hugs back, relaxing into mason's hold. he loses himself in the comforting embrace and exhales shakily, letting his eyes slip closed until mason pulls away with a smile and pats his shoulder.
"you good, jock-o?" at the nickname, joko chuckles softly, shrugging.
"i'm good, yeah. what about you? i bet you're tired as shit because of that plane ride, huh?" he grins, tossing his arm over mason's shoulder and pulling him into his side. the other man lets him, walking in sync with joko and dragging his suitcase behind him as they leave the terminal.
"i just want to crash." mason groans. joko hums quietly and nods, carding his hands through his hair with a soft smile. outside, the wind is cold, slapping joko in the face, and he belatedly realises he should've brought a jacket. his knuckles are turning red the longer he stays outside, goosebumps spread up his arms, and although he likes the cold on any normal day, he just wants to be inside.
they reach his apartment complex and he unlocks the door, guiding mason in and closing the door behind him. it's warmer in the house, and his fingers start to defrost as he helps mason move his things into the spare bedroom. he doesn't know why, but he feels like something is different. mason barely looks at him, though lingering touches that last longer than they should are shared more often, soft moments in the dim lights of his shittily-lit apartment that make joko's head spin, thoughts of what if, what if, what if that leave joko reeling, wondering if he's overthinking things or if there's a chance.
the words swell up, caught in his throat sometimes, he wants to let them out, he wants to say it to him, but he's afraid.
he's built this whole friendship and he's so scared of losing mason because he lets something slip, he's terrified of losing everything he's done so well to preserve, he doesn't want to lose mason, he needs mason, and it petrifies him when he slips up, almost says the words he's kept buried away.
it seems as if mason loves him back, though. the way he glances at joko, the soft touches and the jokes that don't really seem like jokes, joko thinks there's a chance. he's scared. if he's wrong, so much can go wrong. joko could lose mason, joko could lose him and then he'd lose himself, and he doesn't know if he can handle losing his best friend.
he brushes his hair out of his face and slumps against his couch, biting the inside of his cheek with a soft sigh. mason glances at him with narrowed eyes, moving closer to the taller man, and joko freezes. "what's wrong?" mason asks, but his ears are ringing and he can barely make out what's happening.
his vision is double, he can't think, can't focus, and before he knows it, his breathing is quickening and his stomach twists, his arms are tingling and he's shaking, and he's panicking and the way mason is looking at him doesn't fucking help him at all.
mason reaches out for him and he flinches away, eyes widening and pure fear emanating off of him. he doesn't know if he can keep the words down, he thinks if mason touches him, he'll lose control. mason doesn't back down, though he puts his hands in his lap and tilts his head curiously. "are you alright?"
"n-no, i'm not, i'm sorry-" he croaks, covering his mouth. his brain is telling him to just say it, just say it, just say it, but he can't lose mason, not like this. he coughs and keeps his hand over his mouth, muffling his speech, and sobs softly.
"joko- hey, i'm here for you, you can tell me whatever you want to," mason tells him, and he just cries harder. "i'm here, i'm right here. can i- do you mind if i grab your hand?" he untangles a hand from his hair and holds it out, letting mason grab it firmly, and his other hand is still firmly clamped over his mouth. "i'll always be here, i promise."
the words spill out before he can stop them.
"i'm in love with you, i think. i- i probably should've thought this through more but i think i'm genuinely in love with you and i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i-" joko falls silent.
mason looks stunned. he wasn't expecting this, and in his eyes, joko can see pity, can see pain, can see rejection, plain and clear on the shorter man's face.
fuck.
he's lost it all, now.
"john, i.. i'm sorry, fuck, i don't want you to be unhappy but i just- i'm not gay, i'm not- not into you like that, y'know?"
the usage of his real name in this context makes him squirm. his walls are crumbling, falling down harshly, the flood of feelings is bursting through the dam, joko never should've said anything. of course mason isn't in love with him. he was naïve to ever think he could be, to be honest. joko swallows and cards his hair out of his face, avoiding mason's gaze.
"yeah, i-i'm sorry." he pulls his hand away from mason's grip and turns away. "you deserve to be happy, too, y'know. you don't have to make me happy."
mason hums and stands, looking slightly uncomfortable. another piece of joko's heart shatters, drops into the empty void of his ever-consuming loneliness. "i- i'm sorry, joko, but-" mason pauses, thinking over how to say it, and joko knows. "i don't think i'd be comfortable staying here anymore, knowing you- y'know,"
"yeah." he mutters, his voice defeated.
mason leaves, closing the door in finality after he walks out, and joko stares down at his hands, cursing himself quietly. this is his fault. he caught feelings, mason didn't, it's his fault, and he will forever reap the consequences.
joko might never see him again. they might not even talk to each other again.
his worst fears have come true.