'Now is your time and you know where you stand'
*
It's been a while since I've willingly gone to see my friends. You'd think that you'd be able to fall back into the same routine when you reunite with someone you haven't seen for some time, but for me it's the opposite. At the funeral I lost all patience and flipped, probably when I shouldn't have, but the anxiety that had been following me around for weeks finally showed its face. Now, as I sit in the car outside Belly's shop with Harry, that same feeling of dread washes over me.
Since that day, she's texted me every waking hour. In the mornings I wake to find my phone flooded with messages asking questions I don't know how to answer, and as I rest my weary head on the pillow more tumble in. There's only so much that can be said through a device, and even then I'm not sure what she already knows or not.
The final words I spoke before leaving the funeral have came back to haunt me. Belly has questioned it endlessly. Even Tobias tried to contact me, but I swiftly blocked his number. He lost the right to talk to me. Even if he was blackmailed into joining Hugo's ranks, he's made it abundantly clear that he has no remorse for it. He's shown his true colours. I just hope for the sake of their baby that there is a way out of it for the family.
Then there's Cathy. Radio silence on her end. She's even made sure to book her shifts in the office around when I'm not in. Today I've booked the day off so I can see Belly, meaning Cathy will be there to pick up the work I'll be missing. I haven't even bothered to reach out, though. I feel like my whole world has caved in on me. The walls of trust I built have fallen and now I am vulnerable to attack. I want to believe that Cathy isn't capable of something so evil as to be involved with Hugo, but Joe was also harmless, and look how that ended.
In truth, I've never felt lonelier. Even though I am in constant company with Harry, not being able to escape this world of crime and have a normal conversation with someone that has no idea how corrupt people can be is weighing heavily on me. Before, I still had links to normality. Something that tethered me to a life without danger. But these days I am fully submerged in the perilous reality of my situation. This is my life now.
Still, I don't want to do a disservice to how supportive Harry has been. He's always watched over me since I joined the team, but lately it seems different. More intense. In a good way. He's more attentive than usual, focusing on the smaller aspects of my demeanour. If I so much as sigh in a certain way he picks up on it and doesn't rest until he understands why I'm sighing. Normally, I'd feel suffocated by such an action, but with Harry it's genuine. He's concerned. It feels like he cares.
Perhaps he does. I've practically moved in with him now. Even though my stuff has been set up in the spare bedroom I stay in his bed each night. Most of the time we just lay there. No words spoken. Light touches here and there but it never feels awkward. It's an odd feeling after loathing him for the first couple of months of knowing him. There's something incredibly frustrating about him; he pushes my buttons like no other. Yet there are these moments between us. Weird moments of clarity and understanding, ones where we realise just how similar we are. To be honest, it confuses me. In those instances, it feels like the pieces of the puzzle have fitted together. It's more than just comfort. It's solace.
It could be because all our time is spent together, but then how does that explain the time we spend apart where I wait in anticipation for his car to pull up outside. That face of his is a symbol of safety for me. Protection from the harmful forces around us. Not that I need his protection, I've proven myself to be capable of defending myself. But for some reason I've stopped fighting his desire to look out for me.
I can feel his eyes on me as I look out to the street, noticing some customers leaving Belly's shop. It's not too busy as the lunch time rush has come to an end, but a few people still mill about. She told me she'll close up while I'm there so we can have our privacy. I haven't told her that Harry is coming with me, but I don't know if I'll be able to go in without his presence near me. Surprisingly, he offered to stay in the car, but for once I asked him to trail behind and keep me company. I need the moral support, I suppose.
She hasn't started showing signs of her pregnancy yet. It's early days, still. I'm not sure how far along she is but I'm guessing she's nearing the three month mark if she's already been out shopping for supplies. George showed me the images that he first captured on security footage in the area after Harry finally admitted to my friends potentially betraying me. Any piece of information has been fed back to me since. So far Belly has only bought pieces of furniture. A cot, a push chair, some small drawers for the room. I wonder if she knows the gender yet. I don't even know when you can tell that sort of thing.
Out of everyone, Belly and Tobias are the people that I always thought were destined for that family lifestyle. Sure, Cathy has a son already, but she's never struck me as the type of person to settle down. Her marriage ended so suddenly, and since then she's been a frequent customer of the dating pool. Belly, on the other hand, she just exudes that ideal. So placid and calm, so caring and nurturing. The perfect person to be a mother. I wish I could say Tobias would be a great father, but recent events have proved contrary to that.
As for myself, I'm not sure I've ever had the desire to start a family. Growing up, I wouldn't play with baby dolls or pretend that my figurines were families. Instead, I focused my attention on building other skills. Dad would always show me pieces of his work and let me play along. As I got older I always told myself that my mind will eventually change, and I'll reach a point where I want kids to carry on my legacy. The problem is, I still haven't created a legacy for them to take. It seems that my mind hasn't altered either. For some people it's just a natural progression, for others, including me, it's not an option.
'Are you ready?' Harry asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I turn to him with a sigh but give him a quick nod as I finally open the door and step out into the cool city air. It's a mild afternoon, but there's no need for a coat anymore. Spring has arrived in the capital, the flowers blooming and trees finally regaining their colour. I've always enjoyed this time of year in London. You'd think that a metropolitan area would be devoid of nature, but that's not the case here.
A cool breeze has settled, my hair blowing some strands in front of my face as I prepare myself to enter the store. Harry walks round and immediately brings his hands to my face, moving the hair behind my ears as he always does. These small acts of affection have increased as of late. Maybe he feels sorry for me.
I smile up at him as I meet his eyes. His own are laced with worry, doubt even. He's made his opinions about being around these people known. Trust is an important thing to Harry; I've realised it is to me too. The problem is I've never acted on the betrayal of it. I've remained meek and quiet. Until I met him. Something inside of me ignited when he came into my life. Like a fire was lit underneath me and the cold exterior finally began to heat. I can't deny that I'm grateful.
We take casual steps across the street once the traffic clears, making our way to the entrance. Belly spots us through the glass of the door, eyebrows furrowed when she notices Harry. When we first enter, she assumes he's another customer and informs him that the shop is shutting for an hour, but when she notices his hand on my lower back she finally understands that he's here with me.
The scent of the interior is what hits me first. Exactly what I expected, to be honest. It is a candle shop, after all. The windows line the entire front wall, letting the light shine in perfectly without needing extra assistance from the overhead ones. It's a tranquil spot, really, probably decorated in a way that deliberately instils relaxation. I remember when she first told me about her plans for the shop, the first image she pulled out was of the wellbeing shop in Practical Magic, one of our favourite films. As I stand here, it's clear that vision never changed. It's been a while since I visited, but I'm instantly reminded of happier memories.
Belly walks around us to the door, flipping the sign around and locking it. She turns back to us with her hands held in front of her, a small sigh escaping her lips. She seems nervous. I'm not sure why. 'Is this your boyfriend?' she asks, eyes wandering over to Harry quickly. I follow her gaze, noticing how intense his own menacing one is on her.
I shake my head. 'No, just friends,' I respond. As I do, Harry's hand tenses on my back. I look up at him with raised eyebrows, his hand immediately dropping to his side.
Belly walks back to the counter, pulling a box up from behind it and emptying some stock onto the surface. I step closer to her, my footsteps light against the wood. Original flooring that she decided to keep when she bought the property, something I insisted on. Tobias was against it, citing how expensive the upkeep would be. It's a good thing I outnumbered him.
She looks stressed, tired. I know all too well how exhaustion can settle on the face. Fine lines on the forehead, darker and heavier bags around the eyes, paler complexion to the skin. It's all I've seen when I stare at my reflection as of late. 'How's the pregnancy going?' I begin. The air around us is tense, probably because of all that's been left unsaid.
She smiles lightly, looking down at her stomach after placing some more candles out in front of us. 'Early days, but already stressful. Had the worst morning sickness at first, it's only just subsided,' she informs me. Her entire expression changes when talking about it, I can tell how genuinely happy she is to have a baby on the way. It's something she's always wanted. 'I still don't understand how you knew.'
I swallow deeply, looking away for a second. Harry is at my side again but keeps his gaze around the room, taking in the settings. Perhaps the last place I'd ever imagine him in. 'Tobias,' I lie to her. I can't exactly tell Belly that we've been keeping surveillance on her because her fiancé is working with a maniac.
A quiet hum leaves her lips as she shakes her. 'He swore he didn't, such a bad liar isn't he,' she jokes. I simply nod in response. There's not much more I can reveal about it yet, not until I know if she's involved or not. 'You know, he's taking extra shifts at work. Barely around these days but wants to make sure we can both afford the time off when this little one arrives.' If only she really knew what he spent his time doing, and who he was with. Even if Belly is working with Hugo, she wouldn't have consented to Toby's relationship with Santine. If she ever found out she'd probably castrate him.
'He already makes a fortune, though,' I laugh. I figure that the more questions I ask about him the closer I'll get to figuring out how entangled they are.
She continues her work with the stock, delicately lining the candles out on the counter. All scents that she crafted herself. It's something she's always been passionate about, says it helps her relax unlike anything else. I've always admired the way that she wanted to give the experience to others. 'Raising a family is expensive, Atlas. You'll learn that if you ever have one,' Belly states, a smirk on her lips. She's well aware that I've never envisioned that for myself. I'm comfortable with being the aunt that everyone loves for now.
I walk round to meet her, helping her unload some of the boxes. There's a few more under the table, it's the least I can do. Harry continues his pace around the shop, pulling his phone out every now and again to text someone. Probably Zayn, I assume. We remain silent for a few moments, neither one of us knowing what to say. After everything that's happened I can't blame her. I can tell that she's uncomfortable with Harry in the room too but I'm not letting him leave without me.
I hear her clear her throat beside me, indicating that she's ready to speak again. 'Where did you two meet?' she asks with a quick nod towards Harry. His eyes move towards us, a candle in his hands that he throws between his palms.
'Work,' I answer, giving Harry a quick glare as I notice the corners of his mouth inch up. 'He came in to buy something, hasn't left me alone since,' I joke, noticing the way he shakes his head as a light chuckle leaves his lips. I could watch him in this setting all day. The way the light hits his features is angelic. It captures the perfection of his skin so well, illuminating the best parts of him.
Belly stops what she's doing and turns to me excitedly. 'Wait, is this the mysterious stranger that Cathy has told me about?' At the mention of her name I freeze. The muscles of my back tense, my hands stopping my movements. She notices but doesn't question it. Instead, she takes the candle from my hand and places it with the others in front of us. She gives me a comforting smile after, as if to apologise for even bringing our friend up.
I look over towards Harry again. He's sat in the window as he takes a photo of one of the candles. I think he might actually buy some if we stay here too long. He brings it to his nose, his nostrils flaring as the scent wafts in, before noticing my stare. A small blush creeps onto his cheeks at being caught. 'I suppose he is,' I tell Belly.
Her own gaze shifts to his figure, noticing the way we're watching each other. She clears her throat to grab my attention before moving some of the empty boxes on the floor. 'I need to ask, what's been going on with you Atlas?' she confronts me, not wasting another second of our awkward conversation to get to the point of our meeting. I'm glad she did, because I was enjoying the distraction too much. 'We've all been worried sick. If something is wrong you can tell us.'
In the past I would have been able to go to these people with anything, now I have no one. Solitude is a frightening place to frequent, but it's something I've grown accustomed to. It's too familiar for me these days.
My hand moves to my face, pinching the bridge of my nose as I close my eyes for a moment. It's difficult to articulate these things without revealing exactly what's going on. If she's not involved like her fiancé, then I don't want to drag her into it, not in her condition. She has another person to look out for, to shield. 'Do you ever just start to question everything in your life?' I ask, feeling Harry's eyes as they bore into my skin. Belly looks more confused than before. 'You start to look differently at everything you do, everyone you know, everywhere you've been.'
She shakes her head, reaching for my hand. She grasps it gently, always taking caution with those she cares about. 'Has Joe's death brought this on, Atty? I could tell at the wake that it's clearly taken a toll on you.'
I pull away from her and turn around. I look at Harry briefly, noticing his clenched jaw, something that always happens when confrontation is around the corner. It's not that I want an argument with Belly, but sometimes it's difficult to speak about things in a calm manner when they've turned your life upside down. All of this is still so fresh, I haven't properly processed it to be honest. I'm not sure I ever will.
When Harry took me to that forest after the funeral, screaming my problems away only helped momentarily. True, it felt like the demons were being exorcised from my soul and the light of God's love had finally been brought back to my body, but once we arrived back to Harry's, the pain came back and I was reminded how utterly debilitating it could be. Again, I remained quiet and demure. Harry had to practically force feed me. That night, he made sure that I wasn't alone so I could slip into another pit of sorrow. He may have been the only person that stopped it. Though I've been struggling since, at least I'm able to get up and leave the house for work each day, to even hold a conversation with another person. But that grief will never leave. It's always lurking.
The knowledge of what actually happened to Joe constantly flashes across my brain at the most random moments. It jolts me out of my perceived reality and pulls me straight back to the horror of that day. I can still feel his cold skin under my fingertips, the sticky blood that sat on and around his body, even the fibres of his clothing are imprinted on my memory. Sometimes I wish my friends understood how traumatic that was.
All self-control leaving my body, I finally give in. 'Belly, do you know how Joe died?' I ask as I face her once more.
The question spills sadness into her expression, recalling memories with the man that was so cruelly taken from the world. 'A fire. Did they not tell you that?' she speaks as she walks closer to me. Her hand holds my cheek, lightly rubbing her thumb over the skin. In her eyes I can see worry, but I'm too paranoid to believe it.
Suddenly, I can no longer keep it in, and the secrets stumble out of me. Their legs are wobbly, desperately trying to keep composure, but once they leave the depths of my mind they can finally stand. 'Joe was murdered, Belly,' I announce.
At this, Harry stands and paces towards me, grabbing my arm to pull me away. 'What are you doing?' he whispers, keeping his face close to mine. Even in this moment of anguish I still stop to admire his face. There's something so hypnotising about his eyes. 'Atlas? Should we leave?' he presses, finally pulling me away from my collapse.
I shake my head and watch Belly as she processes what I've just told her. 'Is this a joke, Atlas? Because it's not funny,' she declares, stepping away from Harry and I while she moves the hair away from her face to tie it up.
'I wouldn't lie about this,' I state, watching her footsteps halt. Her body doesn't move, she keeps her back facing me. In this moment it's almost like she's scared of me. Like I am the villain of this story. 'Someone was using him and then they had him killed.'
Eventually she turns back to me, her hands noticeably shaking. I don't want to worry her, not when she's pregnant, but I can no longer keep the truth inside. It's gnawing away at my soul the longer it stays locked away. 'No, there were faulty wires or something!' she yells at me. Harry's grip on my arm tightens at the volume but I shake him off.
'Belly-' I start, but she cuts me off, pointing her finger to me.
'No! Who would do this? He wouldn't hurt a fly, he was harmless, why on Earth would someone hurt him?' she continues, keeping the distance between us. Her breathing has picked up. I watch as her chest moves more erratically while she battles for air. This is probably the last thing I should be telling her.
I take a step towards her, but she backs up until she's leaning against the shelves stacked with candles. Some of them rattle at the impact but none fall. 'Belly, he was dead before that fire started,' I inform her, keeping my tone calm to not alarm her. As she looks at me all I see is fear.
She shakes her head at the information, looking out the shop window while wiping at her mouth. Outside some school kids peer in and point at the candles. They must be around 10, no older. So much innocence is on their faces, if only they knew the horror we're discussing inside these walls.
Her gaze shifts back to me and Harry. 'Did you two do it?' she asks, voice barely above a whisper. When the words leave her mouth I almost feel like passing out. The accusation is enough to panic me. 'How would you know any of this if you didn't? You've been acting so weird ever since he showed up, what are up to?' Her voice has raised again. The children outside scatter when they hear it. I detect some laughter falling from their lips as they walk away. This is no laughing matter.
Harry has stepped between us, his hand on my chest. 'Enough of that,' he warns while looking at her. It's not a threat but it works in getting her to stand down for a few moments. 'You shouldn't tell her anything else, Atlas,' he tells me. I wish I could stop, but I've only just begun.
'I know who is responsible for it,' I add, avoiding Harry's watchful glare. He seems angry, but I know it's because he's worried. 'Do you?'
'What the fuck are you insinuating?' she snaps, finally closing some of the distance between us. Harry tries to stop her, but she pushes him away. For someone so small she's surprisingly strong. He tries to step back, my own arms reaching out to stop him. 'What is wrong with you?'
I shake my head and take a deep breath. My feet are still, normally they'd be jittering around with the anxiety that courses through my veins. I've never been the type to sit still in moments like this. However, I'm glued to the spot, despite how overwhelmed I am. I didn't expect today to go like this, although I'm not entirely sure what I expected at all. It's not everyday you find yourself in a situation like this.
Instead of answering, I pose another question to her. It feels like all my conversations are flooded with queries these days. Always wanting to get to the bottom of the mystery. 'Are you sure Toby is taking on extra shifts at the office?'
Her face goes pale at the words, clearly expecting the worst from what I'm insinuating. 'Don't do this,' she begs, her voice shaking. 'Don't waltz in here with these big claims and avoid answering anything. You can't play these games; I don't want to.' I try to interject as her hand comes up between us. For a second I think she's going to slap me, but instead it hovers between us, until she grabs one of the candles. Abruptly, it's thrown across the room. The glass shatters into tiny fragments but the wax only breaks in two. The sound of it makes my entire body jump. 'Please, just tell me what he's done. Just show me that kindness.'
Harry shakes his head as the words leave her mouth, indicating that I shouldn't tell her the details, but part of me wants to have her on our side. I need to give her what she wants, and maybe she'll help us. I don't want to use her, that would make me as bad as Hugo, but if there is a small part of her that is willing to aid us, then surely we should utilise it.
I pull my lower lip into my mouth as I think over my answer. There's a lump in my throat that refuses to go down, only making it harder for me to focus. Harry sighs next to me as he understands what I'm about to do. 'He's been working for the same person that hurt Joe,' I tell her, watching Harry's head fall. He's disappointed, but I'm not worried about how he's feeling right now.
'Atlas, for fuck's sake, she could be working with him too!' he breathes out, but Belly doesn't even notice. It's just me and her in the room. No distractions.
She takes a deep breath before answering, desperately clinging onto any oxygen left in these four walls. 'Who?' she questions, her eyes trained on mine.
'Do you know Hugo Charles?' I respond. There's no indication that she does, her expression instead contorting to one of bewilderment. Her eyebrows furrow, mouth opens. She knows the name, but not the context. It's clear now.
Harry is at my side again as he tries to pull me away. When Belly notices she finally calls for him to stop. Silence settles over us again, but eventually her voice sounds. 'I've never met him.' She looks away for a moment while she thinks. 'He hurt Joe?'
I nod, allowing her a moment to process what I'm telling her. 'He did.'
Her vision is on me again. Her breathing has slowed slightly, but it's not like she's calmed in anyway. I can see how tense her shoulders are, her hands gripped on a piece of cloth from the counter. 'And Toby? Did he have a part to play in it?' When I look at her I can see tears glazing over her eyes. It breaks my heart to see her go through this, but she deserves to know. Regardless of Tobias' allegiance, he's in danger too if he's in Hugo's circle. No one is safe around that man.
'I don't know,' I tell her honestly. There's so much we have no control over, so little revealed to us. 'Have you ever spoken to Hugo?'
Belly shakes her head. I can almost see the cogs turning in her brain as she tries to recall any contact with the man or mention of him in her home. Suddenly, her eyes light up. 'Wait, he gave us the grant for the shop,' she announces. Harry's eyes widen, his head shooting up at the admission. 'Toby found it online, applied and got it all sorted. We wouldn't have been able to afford this place otherwise.' She notices our expressions, and her's falls again. 'Wait, that's bad isn't it?'
Neither Harry nor I speak. The silence reveals enough. That is how Hugo made contact. That is how he latched himself onto their lives. But if that's the case, then he must have done so years ago. There's the likelihood that he only recruited Tobias after I met Harry, but it can't be a coincidence. Too many things are becoming impossible to explain in this regard. Joe being sent to find something from me, the unmatched stories of how we met. And now this.
Before he approached me in the shop, I'd never met Harry Styles. The name isn't one I've even heard uttered from someone else's lips. Only after he approached me did Hugo make himself known. Yet, once he entered my life it became clear that many knew who I was. I haven't lived a life worthy of being followed. If I were a star the astrologists would not single me out, I would not be the one that people searched for through their telescopes. Rather, I am just another small particle in the sky that goes unnoticed. For years I was comfortable with that, until I craved more. The minute I stepped into the light, everything became messy. Maybe it was a mistake to want more.
Through these answers more questions have arisen. Another sequence to decipher and code to crack. With each step forward we are pushed two paces back. It's a never ending cycle of broken hope and failure. It's exhausting.
Harry doesn't look at me. Based on the way the vein on the side of his head tenses and juts out, I can tell he's thinking hard. In his mind he's searching over all the information he pulled together about me over those months he watched me, hunting for any indication of Hugo. I already know there is nothing. If I don't recall ever knowing him, then Harry will not find it.
Belly looks between us, waiting in anticipating for any piece of information. But there's nothing to give, because Harry and I are stuck. We've reached a dead end. 'Atty, how do you know about Hugo and Toby?' she cautiously speaks.
I look her in the eye, the anxiety I once felt about this conversation now replaced with frustration. 'Because he's trying to kill me, and Toby is feeding him information.'
Belly's composure finally crumbles, and her walls collapse. Tears escape her eyes and wet her cheeks, her hand covering her mouth to conceal a sob. Immediately, her feet bring her closer to me, arms wrapping around my body. The problem is, I'm past the point of needing comfort for this. Strangely, I'm used to being the subject of a manhunt. It's become the norm for me to live my life in fear. While I appreciate her concern, nothing will change for me unless we figure out why this is happening. Instead, I keep my arms at my side, my face blank.
She pulls back from me and wipes her eyes, noticing my expression. It's almost like I've become numb to it. 'When I get my hands on that man, I swear t-'
Harry cuts her off before she can finish. 'No, he can't know we've been here. He can't know that you're aware of what's going on. Even if he did there's nothing you can do to stop it, Hugo Charles is not a man to upset,' he states, giving her a stern look.
She looks completely defeated. Though we haven't been speaking for long, the information we've discussed is heavy. It will change her life from here on out. Part of me feels guilty for dragging her into it, but Tobias already made that decision years ago. Of course, knowing how Tobias came into contact with the devil, it's obvious that he may have been threatened or blackmailed, the same way Joe was. The difference is where Joe feared for his life, Tobias is proud of what he's doing. Our entire friendship has been a lie it seems.
'Who are you?' she says turning to my companion. That's something I can't explain, even if I didn't have this cloud hanging over my head.
He sighs, giving me a shrug. 'That doesn't matter,' I answer.
Harry looks at his watch before peering outside again. He seems anxious to leave, probably so we can get to work on figuring out what the hell is going on. I understood immediately that this conversation had to come to an end. Being here would reveal nothing more, and the only reason we came was to uncover some secrets. Instead we've found even more to ponder.
He walks towards the door, letting me know that he'll wait in the car for me, and finally my friend and I are alone. The atmosphere has shifted entirely, but it's not comfortable. I feel uneasy, and it's clear that Belly does too. What's been revealed will only complicate things for both of us. 'Are you alright?' I ask, trying to keep my voice calm.
She shakes her head, a couple more tears escaping. 'It would be concerning if I said yes,' she laughs, trying to find light of the situation, but I know inside she is broken. Just like me. This is hardly the world she should be bringing a baby into, but now she has no choice. 'How am I supposed to go on as normal?'
I think about her question for a few minutes, sighing deeply before telling her what I truly think. 'You just do. I have for a while now. There's not much else you can do.' She bounces on her feet, unable to sit still. A customer knocks on the door in an instant, someone that clearly recognises Belly. Probably a regular. I move towards the door to leave, noticing the closed sign still hanging before I turn it around to let them in.
It feels wrong to leave her after dropping a bombshell, but right now she's in the safest place. At least there isn't a death warrant hanging over her. The customer walks in, smiling at both of us and ignoring the obvious tension in the room. They immediately pace around to one of the corners and start picking at the displays. Now is my time to leave. 'I'll be in touch,' I tell her. She cautiously nods but doesn't remove her gaze.
As I finally open the door and step out the store, I turn around once more. 'Please, keep safe.' And with that I walk back out to the cool afternoon, ready to solve the next problem.
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A/N: Next chappy will be spicy. Thanks for the overwhelming amount of love this week, we're growing this little community a lot quicker!