Tina worked hard at her Physical Therapy. Even with the progress she made, she still is not 100% and so her doctors refused to let her go to the viewing or the funeral. Tina was distraught but agreed she needed to focus on getting better.
I reassure Tina by letting her know it may be for the best. For my mother to see Tina in such a condition may cause a breakdown. Right now my mom is well enough that I can bring her to the special viewing I had set up at the funeral home just for her, and Tina agreed.
I brought the dress my mother asked me to bring and waited for her to change.
"Is Cat and Tina with you?" my mother asks from inside the bathroom.
"Cat, yes, but Tina is sick and can't come. She didn't think it right to expose everyone," I lie.
"I hope it is nothing too serious," my mother says with concern.
"I'm sure with some rest she'll be fine."
"I hope you're right." My mother steps out of the bathroom. She looks beautiful. She looks at me shyly as she smooths her hands over the dress. "It was your father's favorite."
"I can see why," I tell her. "You look lovely."
She smiles and demurely tucks a strand of silver-blonde hair behind her ear. "Would you mind?" she asks handing me her makeup bag and I smile, reaching my hand out for it.
I take the bag from her, and she sits beside me on the bed. I unzip it and get to work. She closes her eyes, giving me her complete trust. Her face is so peaceful, a slight smile graces her lips as I apply some color to them. The stress I've become used to seeing wrinkle her features has faded, and she looks so much younger as I sweep some blush over her cheeks.
It causes a piercing pain in my heart to see her this way, though. Her situation becomes incredibly unfair. She's too young to lose this battle with her mind. Where was her joy, her chance at the happiness she deserves?
She opened her eyes and stares into mine. Her hand lovingly caresses my cheek. "What's wrong, sweetheart?"
I swallow hard, the lump in my throat. "Nothing. All done," I tell her.
"Thank you."
She smiles at me. Two men come into the room. "All set, Mrs. Bragin?"
My mother glances from the men to me. "Alex?"
"Doctor's orders," I tell her. Although the thought of having these men escort her is upsetting, I see my mother put those feelings in their place. She's sharp enough to assess this is the only way she'll get to go to the viewing.
"I'm ready," she declares, and I stand and take her arm in mine. We leave with the escort behind us.
We get to the waiting room. Cat gives us both a warm smile.
"Oh, is this Cat?" My mother asks of me.
"Yes." I turn to Cat and hold my hand out to her. She rises, looking lovely in her sweet floral print dress.
"So pleased to meet you!" Cat says holding out her hand, but my mother pulls her into a hug, and Cat peers at me with surprised eyes over my mother's shoulder.
She then holds Cat away from her for a moment. "Thank you," she says to Cat.
"What have I done?"
"You've made my son happy. Something I didn't believe I would ever see again."
Cat looks over at me and beams. "Well, your son makes me very happy. So, it seems only fair I return the favor."
"How long until the baby comes?" my mother asks.
"I'm in my second trimester, so I still have a way to go," Cat tells her.
"It is a glorious time, Cat. Savor it. This is the closest you and your child will ever be. They go to sleep listening to your heartbeat each night. Once the baby is born, you must share them with the world, but right now he or she is yours and yours alone. This time is precious. Enjoy it."
Cat eyes glaze over with tears. "I will," she assures my mother.
It strikes me suddenly the drama Cat must deal with. My mother is right. This is Cat's first child. She should enjoy this time. I make a mental note to change things.
I've hired someone to start a case against Liam. Got the best professional advice about what to do if Liam and his father fought for custody. They gave me many reassurances, yet I did not feel very reassured.
"We ready to go?" the men ask, and we all nod in agreement.
"We'll follow you," they tell me. My mother must go with them. Cat reaches out and squeezes my hand. I wish to give her a reassuring smile, but my lips refuse to comply.
"She is safe, in expert hands, and is getting to say goodbye. You did that for her," Cat reminds me and I nod. It has to be enough.
We get to the funeral home and the undertaker meets us at the door. "Mrs. Bragin, Mr. Bragin, we're ready for you."
I knew they were prepared, but I hesitate a moment, not sure I am. My mother goes in ahead of me, and her strength uplifts my own. I take a deep breath in and follow her. The men she came with hang back and give her space. My mother grabs my hand in hers and we walk together towards the open casket.
This feels too reminiscent of my dream. I don't want to see him. I don't want to gaze upon my father's face captured in death. I still can't get Aiden's face out of my mind. I panic and pull my hand free. My mother's look is questioning.
"I... I can't... I'm sorry," I walk out of the room my heart is racing. My entire body is shaking.
Two arms wrap around me from behind. "Please, Cat. Don't."
Cat lets me go but turns me around to look at her. "What's going on in there?" she says tapping my temple.
"I'm a fucking coward, that's what's going on. My mother is in there right now alone because I can't face him. Even in death, I can't face him. I can't face my father."
"I can't even pretend to know what you're going through, Alex, but I know you're no coward. I want you to consider something. This is the last time you'll get to say face to face what you should have or would have wanted to say to him in life. You carry so much pain with you, Alex. Now's your chance to bury it. To bury it with him."
My body freezes and refuses to move. "I can't..."
Cat caresses my arm as she accepts my decision. "I'll go back in there so your mom isn't alone."
"Thank you."
Cat sighs and leaves me to return to my mother.
I stare at the door that closed behind her. "Come on, Alex! As great as Cat is, you're really going to leave your mother to grieve surrounded by complete strangers?"
I reach for the handle of the door, but my heart plummets into my stomach. I can hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears, I can't catch my breath, and my hand is trembling.
"I can't do this."
I loosen my tie, trying to breathe. The demons I keep at bay are threatening me. Taunting me. Telling me I have nowhere to run. My vision darkens and my emotional pain is causing a physical hurt as my breathing becomes sharp and shallow.
"No!" I demand. "Not now. Not here." I'm pressing my hands against my temples, desperate for the demons to go away. "Please go away." I feel like I'm drowning. I want to scream but I can't make a sound.
I press my hand into my chest it hurts so bad. That's how the undertaker's son found me. He rushed to my side. "Mr. Bragin! Are you alright?"
"I... I can't breathe." The pain is so bad it has me doubled over. He leads me to a chair to sit down.
"Do you want me to call you an ambulance?"
I shake my head no. I know this is my emotions. I know a panic attack when I feel one. I haven't felt this bad though in a really long time.
He goes over to a cooler and gets me a cup of water. I sip it and try to calm my heart that I can hear thumping in my ears.
"Are you certain you don't want me to get you help?"
I know there is no help for what I'm experiencing and just shake my head no again. It's clear he wishes to override me. I guess it's bad for business if you end up dying in a funeral home.
"I'm... fine." I get out between painful breaths.
He frowns at me, stands, and goes into the room where the viewing was being held. A few moments later, he returns with my mother and Cat.
My mother sits by my side. "You stupid, stupid boy. Did you think it wouldn't catch up to you? Did you think you could outrun the hurt?"
I press my hand harder into my chest. It feels like someone is trying to rip my heart out. My mother shakes her head at me. Cat stands by, uncertain what to do, but her face is full of concern.
"Ugh," I moan and double over in agony. My mother rubs my back like she would when I was sick as a child. I sit up again, "I can't make it stop. I'm useless, Mom. I can't save you. I can't save any of you. I couldn't save Aiden in that alley. My father... the last thing I told him was I hated him and I can't take those words back. You do not know how much I want to take them back."
My mother gathers me to her. "Shh! Your father knows you love him, just like you know how much he loves you. How much he loved both of you. Oh, Alex. He had so many regrets. He thought he was doing the right thing, but he knew... and it was too late... but never did he ever stop loving you."
"I was so angry. I was angry with you both for throwing Aiden away. For making me the example of the perfect son that he could never live up to. In the last year of his life, Aiden was happy. It was the only time I've ever spent with him and seen him happy."
"We were wrong, Alex. Your father was afraid, afraid that what happened to Aiden would happen, and we were powerless to make it stop. Aiden knew the risk. We all did. None of this is your doing. You can't fix everything, no matter how hard you may want to, or how hard you try. Something things we must endure and if we're lucky, survive."
It hurts so much just to breathe. I feel the tears slid down my cheeks.
"Your father foolishly thought he was doing what he must, but he was wrong and he paid the price for his sins. We all have, Alex, but it's time for you to stop paying that toll, it's not your burden to bear."
"I... I can't. I can't look at him. I can't say goodbye."
"You can and I dare say, you must," my mother tells me.
I double over again as another wave of panic washes over me, threatening to drown me.
"But you don't have to do it alone. Not this time. This time we have each other."
I look up at her, and she caresses my face. Cat moves closer. She takes the seat on the other side of me, and grabs hold of my hand. "You have us. You've always been the strong one for me, Alex. Let me be the strong one for you this time?"
I close my eyes to the pain and I feel Cat's lips press against my cheek. She covers the hand pressed into my chest with her own. I was wrong to push her away. I was ashamed. I didn't wish to appear weak in front of her.
"It's okay to need someone to watch over you. You taught me that. You don't always have to be strong and brave. You are both of those things but there is no shame in letting those that love you, help you with your burden and it's such a heavy burden you carry with you, Alex."
Cat was right. I know she is and I am so tired of carrying this weight, this guilt with me. I have to do better. They deserve better.
It takes a while for me to get control. I'm exhausted, but slowly I stand. Both women stand with me by my side. "It's time," I tell them.
They each take a hand and together we go to give my final respects to my father.