I return back to the room I left Sam in after my brief conversation with Sasha. I think about asking him why he likes me on the walk. But how can I ask him when I don’t even have the guts to be vulnerable for five seconds? When I get there, I see Michael and Sam sitting together on the couch. Sam smiles when he sees me. I am so angry with Michael and it shows. If looks could kill, he’d have an immediate death. “Why did you make the face? You didn’t like the kiss?” Michael says as if he was torturing me and enjoying it.
“What are you talking about?” Sam says with pain and jealous curiosity in his voice.
“Your girl kissed me.” Michael says sounding superior.
“Is this true?”
“No! Well, we kissed but I didn’t kiss him. I had no idea what was happening. I’m so sorry. I didn’t enjoy it like I enjoyed our kiss,” I say really embarrassed. I didn’t enjoy either kiss to be honest - but Michael’s much less - I just said it because I thought he wouldn’t be as mad.
“Oh, this is rich. I wish I got it on camera.” Michael says trying to piss Sam and I off.
“Shut up Michael!” We yell in sync.
“I’m really sorry Sam. I didn’t have any choice in the matter. It just…it just…happened. I want to strangle Michael more than I should for kissing me.”
“But you still kissed him.”
“Regrettably.” I say with disappointment quite evident in my voice.
“You regret our kiss?” Michael asks not sounding hurt in the least but fake acting surprised.
“You know it.” I snap at him.
“I have to go.” Sam says as he gets up, and leaves.
“Ready for another one?” Michael puckers his lips.
“You disgust me.” I spring up from the couch and whip a pillow at his face.
“Ow! That hurt!”
“I’m glad.”
I look for Same until eleven o’clock. Seeing that I am unsuccessful, I go into the main room to look for someone who might know where he is. “Chlo, can I talk to you for a second?” It’s my nana.
“Sure, nans. What’s going on?” I say trying to sound nonchalant.
“Do you what happened to Sam? I saw him run up the stairs earlier looking pretty upset.”
“No, I’m not sure what happened to him. I’ll go check to see if he’s alright.” I hate lying to my nana, but I’m not in the mood to tell her everything that happened. I scan the room for Nathan because surely he would know where Sam’s favourite places are in the house. “Hey, Nathan.”
“Do you need something?”
“I know this might sound a bit suspicious, but I don’t feel like explaining right now. Do you know where Sam spends most of his time in this house?”
“Go up the stairs and turn left. He’s probably in a closet in the third room on the right.”
“Thank you, Nathan.”
I start up the stairs and I hear a little voice coming from the step behind me. “H, where are you going?” It’s six year-old James.
“Oh, hi James. I am looking for Sam.”
“Can I come with you?”
“Sure.” I bend down and James jumps up on my back.
I follow Nathan’s instructions. I am just about to open the third door on the right side. “That room’s really scary, C.” I find it so cute how he calls me ‘C’.
“Why is it scary?”
“It’s always so dark in there.” This kid is pretty adorable. “Can you put me down?”
“Sure. I’ll see you later, alright?” He kisses me on the cheek just before he hops down the stairs. I smile. He’s going to be a womanizer when he grows up. I just know it but for now, he’s sweet, young James. That’s the only kiss that made me feel good all night.
I twist the handle and open the door. Once inside the dark room, I keep the lights off as to not disturb him if, in fact, he is in here. I don’t see him, so I check the closet to see if he is there. He isn’t. I walk towards the door to leave. I hear a weak, trembling voice say, “I’m right here.” I search through the dark to locate the source of the voice. I can’t find him. Something warm wraps around my forearm and I yelp. “Chloe, it’s okay.” I start to panic a bit. I am taking rapid, shallow breaths. Sam pulls me up on the bed where he was originally hiding. I sit there with my head between my knees shaking. “Are you okay?” He asks sounding extremely worried.
“Yeah. I’m really sorry about that,” I say as I calm down a bit.
“Don’t be sorry. I know you’re not okay. Tell me what really happened.”
“I don’t want to,” I say being honest.
“Please?” I take a deep breath then I start to explain. “When I was younger, my father abused my sister and I. When you grabbed my arm, it brought back many memories of him hurting me. He would always squeeze my arm to make sure I couldn’t get away.”
“Oh my god. I am so sorry. I didn’t know.” He says. I put my face in my hands and recite a poem I made when I was younger. I always recite the poems when I am scared.
“Hidden from view my silent tears flow freely
No one cares though as I hold Teddy dearly
This horrible pain has gone on far too long
I try to forget as I hum my own little song
I block out the sound with hands on my ears
I close my eyes and try to forget my fears
The screams are getting louder and louder
Soon it will be time I can stand it no longer
Anywhere would be better than here and now
If only I could move and escape another row
Your abuse daddy was such a terrible crime
It stripped me of innocence in such little time
Do you look at me now with my life such a mess
As I begin to love everyone around less and less
My insecurities get stronger day by day
And all I can do is sit on my bed and pray.”
“Did you write that yourself?” He asks sounding horrified.
“Yeah, I did. I wrote it when I was seven. I have others.”
“You were seven! May I hear another one?” I don’t even know why I told him I had others, because I don’t even want to share them.
“I'm in the corner crying all alone
Wishing to myself, get me out of this home.
I'm always getting beaten, never treated well
I'm the one child's whose life’s a living hell.
Thrashes on my back, bruises on my face
All because his book was out of place.
Daddy doesn't like me, he's mean-it's true
He yells mean things at me for anything I do.
He tells me he'll kill me, that I'm going to hell.
If anyone asks he'll tell them I just fell.”
“I was nine when I wrote this one.” He cries a bit.
“Why are you crying?”
“Because of what you had to go through. I shouldn’t’ve even had the right to be in pain when you slapped me. That was nothing compared to what you went through.” Why did I even have to bring this up?
“I don’t want you to feel bad for me.”
“It’s impossible not to.”
“This is why I never tell anyone anything,” I say with the harshness returning to my voice.
“You don’t want pity? Fine. But maybe I’m just crying being I’ve been so selfish. While I was with my friends, you were probably being punched. While I was playing with lego, you were probably being kicked.” He sounds a bit angry. “While I was having fun, you were having the innocence of childhood taken away from you.”
“Put it this way. You had enough fun for the both of us,” I say trying to make him feel a bit better.
“I’m even being selfish now! I should be helping you, but instead you’re trying to make myself feel better.”
“Shut up…please.” My request isn’t what he has in mind. We sit there in silence for a couple of minutes.
“I am truly sorry, Chloe. No one should have to go through what you went through.”
“Sitting alone under the night sky so black,
Nobody knows what she's holding back,
Pulling her sleeves past the black and blue,
Once these bruises fade they'll come back anew.
Looking up at the stars so high,
Sometimes she wishes she could melt into the sky,
Out of her eye drops a single tear,
As she realizes she has to face her worst fear.
At the thought of home she shutters,
And a prayer for help she mutters,
Her angry father's face shakes in her head,
And her broken heart fills with dread.
She tries to hold back the tears, he hits her harder when she cries,
But they slip out as the heavy steps get closer, she's terrified,
He lifts her up by a chunk of her hair,
Taking the first punch he begins to swear,
She cries for help, but it's to late,
He won't stop till he's got out all the hate.”
I have the strongest connection with this one since it is my most recent. I start to cry.
We sit there for a couple of minutes; tears still trickling down my cheek. One stays on my left cheekbone. Sam must notice it because he says, “If I died and went to heaven and God asked me what I’d like to come back as, I’d say a tear; so I can be born in your eyes, roll down your cheek and die on your lips.” He kisses my cheekbone where the tear is. His warm lips feel good on my cheek. A tingly feeling spreads to my toes and I shiver a bit. When his lips leave my skin, I put my hand up to touch the location of the kiss. “That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.” A couple seconds pass. “I’m sorry, I’m not really good when it comes to the mushy stuff. I haven’t really had very much tender loving care so I don’t know how to act when the moment arises.”
“I won’t hold you accountable for not being able to be mushy. You shouldn’t need to be. It’s just that when I’m around you, I see the sensitive side of me that I only ever see when I’m around you and I’m not used to it.” I sense him blushing. “Remember what I told you before? You don’t need to act tough around me.”
“That’s good because I feel there’s no way I can be.” He hugs me, and I allow it. He falls asleep, and soon after I do as well.