"In the darkness I had to fall always find my place among the ashes." -Evanescence
Chapter Six
If I hadn't already fallen into depression, then I was pretty darn close to it. I thought that I was a wreck before, but now I didn't even know how to describe myself. Let's just say I have never cried so much in my life.
I hadn't gone to school Friday but was now being forced to seeing that it was Monday. My mother said it would help to be around people and that school would be a nice distraction. I wasn't so positive.
"Please try to act pleasant," my mother begged as she pulled up to my school.
I gave her an irritated look, not knowing how I was supposed to do what she had asked me. I then sighed and swung open the car door. "I'll try."
She smiled at me, at last looking satisfied, and watched me make my way out of the car.
I jumped out and gave her a small wave before turning to face my school. How was I going to even survive this day?
I made my way up the large lawn to the entrance of the building. I kept my head hung low, half in shame and half in fear of being recognized as the girl who didn't save her girlfriend when she had the chance.
I couldn't control my eyes as they jumped to the spot where me and Claire would meet. They then welled up with tears as I obviously didn't see her. The area was deserted and it made my heart hurt.
I kept as much distance as possible from our meeting spot and soon walked into the school. Once inside, I felt completely exposed, as if I were naked. I felt like all eyes were bearing into me as soon as I was surrounded by the other students. I knew they all were aware of what had happened, and me and Claire never kept our relationship quiet, so they all had to know I was her girlfriend.
I opened my locker and then was forced to raise my head. I had kept it down and had focused on the floor, but immediately after my eyes had been raised, I regretted it. My fear that everyone was watching me was true. I made eye contact with several strangers and once I had seen them, they would instantly whip their head around and show me their back. Others stood whispering and glancing at me warily.
I didn't get what their deal was. Yes, I was dating the girl who just died, but it wasn't like I had murdered her! That's the way all of them were making me feel. I felt like punching each of them in the face and remind them that if they had something to say, they needed to say it to my face.
"Alex!"
I was yanked from my harsh and painful thoughts as I heard my name being called. I didn't have to turn too much to find Jillian heading my way. She wore a sad expression on her lips and was strutting my way.
"Hey, girl," she greeted me once she was standing right before me.
Jillian was mixed and was a senior as well. Her skin was a rich, caramel color and her hair fell in stiff and black endless curls. She had a kick ass body as her hips jumped up and down when she walked, and her breasts stood nice and perky, appearing to be ready for absolutely anything that came their way. She was really the only other female friend I had besides Chloe.
I was going to say something back to her, but choked on my own spit. I felt my eyes once more being threatened by tears. I already wanted to go back home! Half the people at this school hated me and the other half just wanted to give me their sympathy.
Jillian had been Claire's friend, though. She had come to the funeral and had sent me a card in the mail saying how sorry she was.
She must have seen what a disaster I was, because she opened her arms for me.
"Awe! Come here."
I went straight into her open hands and collapsed on top of my friend. I cried softly into her shirt, trying my best to keep my tears to a minimum.
I slowly pulled myself from the hug and that was when I caught the chick with Jillian. She stood by her side and I didn't know how I hadn't seen her before.
Jillian obviously saw me eyeing the girl. "Oh! Alex, this is Taleah!"
Her friend looked at me with her large lips pulled down. She had dark, dark skin and her hair was let loose in short black wires.
"Hey, gurl. I'm so sorry to be hearing what happened to your sweet thang," she told me in an amazingly ghetto tone.
I offered her a smile as I rubbed a my eyes. "Thank you."
Taleah's frown turned over into a huge grin. "Anytime! You know you can hit me up for anything."
"That means a lot," I told her in a soft voice, being aware of how monotone my sentence had came out.
Taleah nudged Jillian. "Man, I love this chick already!" She beamed.
Jillian let out a laugh as I giggled. I didn't feel like Taleah was the kind of person Jillian would be good friends with, but she did seem like a nice person.
The bell sounded, and I quickly inhaled. Great, my first day at school without Claire had officially begun. We all had several minutes to get to class, and I planned to get there as late as possible.
"I'll see you in Psychology, Alex," Jillian said as a goodbye.
I gave her a crooked smile. "Okay."
"See ya 'round, girl!" Taleah shouted.
I gave her a wave of my hand and let my hand drop after the two girls left me alone by my locker. I was tempted to not even attend my first class, but knew I couldn't take pity on myself. I needed to go to class, whether I liked the idea or not.
I slammed my locker shut and reluctantly went to first period.
......
I felt like I was going to fall over dead by the end of the day. I had skipped three classes throughout the dreadful day, and had spent them sitting in the bathroom, crying and feeling sorry for myself. I just couldn't get Claire to leave my mind, especially with everyone's eyes staring into my shameful soul. I understood her death was half my fault, they didn't need to enhance that.
I hadn't attempted to go to English class, since that was one of the classes me and Claire shared. I couldn't take the idea of being in a classroom which my girlfriend should be in, too. The other two classes I had skipped were just because of all the other students. They wouldn't stop fucking looking at me with their judgemental eyes.
Even though I had already been dragged through hell, my day was not completely over. I sat in my last period class- Psychology. We had about five minutes left, and I was grabbing at the tips of my hair, keeping my eyes dead hard on the slowly ticking clock. Claire was supposed to be in this class as well, but I knew I shouldn't skip anymore classes. I might go to a public school, but we still got reprimanded for missing class without an excuse. But wasn't my excuse good enough?
I was forcing myself to stare at the clock ahead of me which sat on the wall, but my eyes kept glancing to Claire's empty desk without my permission. Seeing it so empty made my heart crush. She should be here. Why had she gone away?!
I jumped up from my desk as the bell rang, indicating school was over. I instantly grabbed my things and began to bolt for the door, but didn't get very far.
"Alexandra, I would like to see you for a moment," called out my teacher, Mrs. Jamic.
I had to bite down on my tongue to stop myself from letting out a groan. What did she want? She was most likely going to scold me for paying her no attention. I had blocked out her every word the entire period. But what she didn't know was that she was just lucky to have received my presence. She didn't understand how bad I wanted to just skip her class, too.
"You in trouble!" Jillian cooed as she brushed past me.
I rolled my eyes at her and turned around to walk to my teacher. She sat behind her desk and her eyes were glued to the table. All the students flew out of the classroom, and I envied their freedom.
Mrs. Jamic finally lifted her head to look at me. She had light skin with short brown hair. Her locks appeared extremely soft as they barley traveled past her shoulders. She was a young woman, and had recently gotten married.
"Alexandra, sweety...I just wanted to say how sorry I am for what happened to Claire."
I instantly felt my eyes fill with tears and I tilted my head to gaze at the ground. "It's okay," I said so quickly I doubted she even understood me.
"It's so overwhelming to have this happen to a student of my own," Mrs. Jamic went on to say.
I nodded at the ground, but didn't respond. I wasn't sure what it was she wanted me to say anyways. I didn't want to talk about this. I hated crying in front of others. I wasn't used to doing it. I never cried! But this was all so much that my eyes couldn't handle it. I would rather have been reprimanded by her than sit here and reminisce over Claire.
"I know how close you two were," she added.
I raised my head to blink at my teacher. Did she know me and Claire had been dating? Or did she think we were just friends?
"Yeah, we were real close..." I found the strength to say.
Mrs. Jamic stared at me for several long moments. "Well know that if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here."
I smiled at her. It was a nice offer of her, and she was the only faculty member who had spoken a word to me about the loss, so I guessed I should appreciate her thought to reach out to me.
"Thanks a lot, Mrs. Jamic."
She returned the smile. "No problem. Now go on, school is over, sorry for keeping you after."
"No need to apologize, I appreciate it. Really," I told her with a small smile.
I didn't wait to see her facial expression as I walked out of the room. My determination to get out of the school had grown since most everyone was gone already. The hallways were hardly even filled anymore.
I quickly packed my things and ran outside. I ignored the other kids as I went to my car.
I swallowed down tears as I drove home. I had experienced the worst day I've ever had at school. Those who had the courage to speak to me rather than simply stare at me had given me all their sympathy. As much as it felt nice to know a handful of people cared, I didn't want their sympathy. I knew that I should have stopped Claire! That was my responsibility.
I pulled into the garage and sighed as I saw my mom's car. She had already came home, which I should have expected. But I knew that meant she would be questioning me nonstop about the day. I didn't need all that. I didn't want to lie to her, but if I told her how horrid it had been, she would only get upset.
I walked into the house and just as I did, my mother shouted down at me, "Oh, Alexandra! You're home."
I chewed on my bottom lip as I heard her run her way down the stairs. Once she was on the same floor as me and was in my sight, I saw her smile.
"How was your day?"
I honestly wished she wouldn't act as if everything was alright. It only made things worse for me, knowing even more smiles were fake.
"Fine."
"That doesn't sound so promising," she told me.
"I mean...What do you expect, mom?"
My mother sighed before making her way into the kitchen. I followed her and threw away the urge to roll my eyes.
"I made you cookies," she said.
I jumped on one of the stools we owned and watched as she dug out a tray of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. I smiled at her as the outrageous sent filled my nostrils.
"Thanks, they look delicious."
My mom returned the smile and set the tray before me. She then simply walked off and headed back upstairs. I loved how she was doing her best to make me happy, and she somewhat nailed it with my favorite type of treat.
Just as I grabbed one of the gooey cookies, our house phone began to ring.
I reached over for it as it sat close by and I glanced at the number. I didn't recognize it, but I accepted the call anyways.
"Hello?"
"Is this the house of the Frankins?" A male voice asked.
"It is," I informed the stranger.
"And who is this that I'm speaking to?"
I removed the phone from my ear to glare at the number that belonged to the man. Who was this?
"This is Alexandra," I said slowly after returning the phone to my ear.
"Ah! Perfect. Hi, Alexandra. This is channel eighteen news calling."
I felt my eyes widen. Why was the news calling me?!
"We would like you to join us for a short interview we're doing," the man explained after I hadn't spoken. "I believe you were the girlfriend of Claire Benet?"
I immediately smacked my free hand against my forehead. Seriously?
"I was..." I mumbled into the phone as I rubbed one of my temples with that same hand. Why did Claire have to keep popping up? Had I not received enough reminders for one day?
"I'm sorry, I know it would be a sensitive topic. But her parents and other daughter agreed to come in and talk about the loss with us. We asked who else might be willing to join them and they mentioned you. You'd come and say a few words about Claire and it would be live on television."
My whole body froze. Her parents recommended me? I knew if I did it, I would be a complete wreck in front of our entire city. But my subconscious told me it would be for the best. I could inform others of how painful suicide is, for the victim and the bystanders.
"Um...I'll do it," I told him with a slight nod. He had said I would only have to say a few words, so I couldn't imagine I would have to make an entire speech about it. I could manage that.
"Awesome!" The man exlaimed. I could just feel him smiling from the other line. "We'll be hosting the interview in about a week. We'll contact you soon for more information. Thanks so much, Miss."
I smiled softly. "Okay. You're welcome."
"Have a nice day," the man said.
I smirked. It was too late for that.
"You too."
The line went dead and I set the phone back down agaisnt the kitchen counter. I stared at it for quiet some time, wondering what the hell I had just signed myself up for.
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I know this chapter is kinda short, but it's Christmas and I didn't have much time to write. >:L
Sorry! </3
Merry Christmas to you all by the way. ^_^
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