note --
hi. totally unrelated but, whatever you're doing right now (to reach your goals, to heal, to improve yourself, or to simply survive), i just wanna say i'm proud of you. :* keep going.
-A. 💜
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S I A
Before Rosa 39
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"This is awkward."
For the first time since I sat down, I risked a glance at Monic. Hindi siya nakatingin sa 'kin. Instead, she was staring at the menu that's lying untouched on top of the table. She's worrying on her lower lip and bouncing her right foot, just like how she does whenever she's anxious. Her clasped hands atop the table are also slightly shaking.
Tumikhim ako sabay iwas uli ng tingin.
"Oorder ba tayo?" dagdag ni Monic. Nang lumingon ako ulit sa kaniya ay nakatingin na siya sa 'kin, her brows raised in question.
"Uh..."
"O mabilis ka lang? Ibibigay mo lang sa 'kin ang susi at aalis din?"
"Mon."
Exhaling loudly, Monic averted her gaze again. She kept moving her foot, causing the table to shake lightly. Napabuntong-hininga na lang rin ako. I reached for my sling bag and took her old keys. Inilagay ko 'yun sa mesa, sa gitna, pero hindi nagsalita. I just watched her, waiting for her next move.
Maya-maya, muli siyang nagbuntong hininga. "I hated you, See," she said under her breath.
Napayuko ako. My fingers absentmindedly played with the chains of my bag.
"Oh my God, this is a really bad idea," Monic whispered a while later, rubbing her face with her left hand. Iniwan n'ya 'yung nakatakip sa kaniyang bibig sabay pangalumbaba. She was looking sideways but I can still see the troubled look on her face. Ganoon siya sa loob ng ilang segundo bago muling magsalita.
"Sa lahat ba naman kasi ng maiiwan, diploma pa. Nagpagawa na lang sana 'ko ng bago sa Recto."
It sounded more to herself than to me, so I kept quiet. I know I deserved this, to hear her rant and all. Pero hindi ko maiwasang maisip na sana nandito si Raffy. I know I can do this on my own but his hand holding mine while I listen to Monic is a welcome source of additional strength. It helps me become more at ease.
Alas, he's not here. May mga bagay rin siyang kailangang i-settle with Dino. Isa pa, this is a battle I have to fight on my own.
"So, how have you been?"
Muling nakuha ni Monic ang atensyon ko. She's looking straight at me now. After years of living with her, I can easily sense the unshed tears pooling her eyes but I kept mum. I want to commend her for putting up a brave facade.
"I'm..." Natigilan ako. Ano ba'ng tamang sabihin sa ex mong sinaktan mo? I certainly can't say that I'm happy, kahit na totoo...
"I'm pregnant," I offered awkwardly.
Inirapan niya 'ko, pero kita ko ang maliit na ngiti sa sulok ng kaniyang mga labi. "Buntis ka na nang maghiwalay tayo, Sia. Huwag mo 'kong pinapatawa."
"Okay. But I'm more pregnant than I was nine months ago. Kita naman siguro."
Napailing siya. "You're still sarcastic as ever."
I pursed my lips in a frown. "Ano ba sa tingin mo? That I'll change just because I'm carrying another human being inside of me?" I shook my head. "Maybe in another world."
"You didn't change?"
Bumalik ang tingin ko sa kaniya dahil sa tanong na 'yun. Her eyes are piercing, with a tinge of hope in them when I stared longer. I led out a sad sigh.
"Monic..." I said, dragging the last syllable, pleading.
Umiwas siya ng tingin, hand covering her mouth again as she blinked back tears. "Ang pathetic ko," bulong niya.
"No! You're not. Huwag ka namang ganyan, oh. It was my fault. I let myself slip away. You have every right to hate me."
"Dahil ba lagi akong wala? Laging late umuuwi, ganoon?"
Umiwas ako ng tingin. All I could muster was an, "I'm sorry." I felt a familiar sting at the back of my eyes. Inaatake nanaman ako ng hormones ko. I suddenly felt like crying. Mayghad.
I heard Monic take a deep breath and sniff. Hindi lang pala 'ko ang naiiyak. Good to know.
"So," she croaked. Monic had to clear her throat before continuing. "You and Raffy."
Napalingon ako sa kaniya. What about us?
"You're together now? Or just having the baby?"
Pinagmasdan ko ang mga mata niya. Namumula na ang mga puti nito. A part of me wants to apologize until her eyes went back to normal, but I know that won't do the job. We both have to go through this rough time.
Aaaahhh. I averted my gaze and wiped some betraying tears out of the corners of my eyes. Tumango ako bilang sagot.
"We're together," I said, thinking about Raffy. Naisip ko lang siya, hindi ko na napigilan mapangiti. Sinubukan kong alisin, kasi ang cheesy. What did it, though, was the hurt in Monic's eyes.
"So, when--" She let out a shaky breath, obviously having a hard time forming the words. Itinaas niya ang kaniyang kamay, gesturing to the two of us. "When we broke up, you two--"
Biglang lumaki ang mga mata ko sabay iling nang mabilis. "No. No, Mon. Hindi. Hindi."
Hindi sumagot si Monic. Tinitigan niya lang ako nang nakakunot ang noo.
Huminga ako nang malalim sabay ayos ng upo -- 'yung maayos na kaya kong gawin considering I have a melon under my dress. "It took months before Raffy and I got together. Huwag mo namang isipin na may relasyon kami behind your back. Heck, Raffy was with Dino before it happened so. Please."
Ilang segundo akong natahimik, catching my breath pagkatapos ng tuloy-tuloy na pagsasalita. Few seconds later, I continued, "It was just that one night. I've already said sorry, but I'll say it again. I'm so sorry, Mon."
Hindi siya nagsalita nang ilang segundo. Pinagmasdan niya lang ako, na parang tinitimbang niya kung gaano katotoo ang mga pinagsasabi ko. I sat there, guilty as ever. Para 'kong five-year-old na nakabasag ng figurine, waiting for my parents to decide the kind of punishment I deserve.
At last, Monic spoke. Nagcrack ang boses niya noong una kaya tumikhim niya. "Are you happy?" she asked on her second try.
Tahimik akong napasinghap. It certainly wasn't the reaction I was expecting, but a small smile crept up my lips. Dahan-dahan akong tumango. "I'm sorry," I said again.
Monic let a watery laugh. "For what?" she asked.
Nagkibit-balikat ako. "For being happy after..."
"After what you did to me?" patuloy niya. "Well, you should really be. You cut me deep, See. Really deep."
"Ilang sorry ba ang kailangan mo?"
Umaktong nag-iisip si Monic bago sumagot ng, "Mga isang bilyon."
Sinimangutan ko siya. "Kailangan ko na palang simulan 'yan, para mabawas-bawasan na."
She laughed, shaking her head. When her laughter died down, we were silent for a while. I stared at her face and admired the kind smile settling on her lips.
Minahal ko talaga si Monic, and I can certify that now. My heart belongs to Raffy but I understood why I fell for her. She's the kindest, most lovable person in the world and she deserve everything. I just couldn't give her that.
"Gusto mong mag-order?" tanong niya maya-maya. "To catch up. Like old friends who haven't seen each other for a while."
Unti-unting lumawak ang ngiti ko. I nodded, reaching for the menu that's been waiting for us all this time, and flipped through the pages. "This is on me," sabi ko, peeking at her.
"Okay," aniya sabay angat rin ng tingin para hulihin ang mga mata ko. There's humor in her eyes when she said, "Dadamihan ko ang order, ha. Para mabawas-bawasan ang isang bilyong sorry na utang mo."
I laughed heartily, looking back to the menu. "Oo ba. Ubusin mo na ang pera ko."
"Ay, hindi. Kailangan mo ang funds, noh."
Umangat muli ang tingin ko sa kaniya, nagtataka sa kung anong ibig niyang sabihin.
"Kasi, 'di ba? Magastos kaya manganak at magpalaki ng bata. You're gonna need every peso you earn."
I groaned in disapproval. "Don't remind me."
Natawa si Monic. "I don't think I should. 'Yang maumbok mong tiyan ay sapat nang paalala, Sia."
"Sinabi mo pa."
Grinning, Monic looked back to her copy of the menu. Bumalik na rin ako sa 'king kopya habang nakangiti rin.
While choosing, I wondered how Dino and Raffy are doing. Pareho rin ba sila namin ni Monic? Did they forgive each other, ended up becoming friends after everything?
Natigil ako sa pag-iisip nang tapikin ni Monic ang kamay ko. When I flinched, she pulled her hand away, looking at me with a surprised look. "Sorry," aniya. "Tatanungin lang kita kung anong order mo? Ako nang pupunta sa counter."
"Uh..." Scanning the page again, I just said hot choco and a cheesecake. Inabot ko sa kaniya ang card ko pagkatapos pero umiling siya.
"Sabi ko ako magbabayad," reklamo ko.
"I was just kidding. I invited you, so it's my treat."
Umirap ako. "Hindi naman 'to date, eh."
"Still," she insisted. Bago pa 'ko makasagot ay tumayo na siya, heading for the counter to order.
Shaking my head, I took my phone out. I checked for texts from Raffy but there was none. Instead, there was a message from Kei. It said: i'm home bishesss. i wanna see u on the 15th. pls make time for me. uwu.
Napailing na lang ako kasi halatang group message 'to. I replied, anong sabi ni raffy?
Wala pang isang segundo, nagreply na agad 'to. They said, tinatanong rin kung anong sagot mo wtf. bakit ang landi nyo kahit hindi facetoface? kayo nga magusap afghstafgejtkf.
Chuckling, I typed a bunch of cactus emoji. Kasabay ng pagpindot ko ng send ay ang pagdating ni Monic. There was a confused look on her face when she asked, "What's so funny?"
"Si Kei," sagot ko. "Para nanamang tanga ang pinsan mo."
"Ah," tumango siya sabay lapag ng tray sa mesa.
"Inaaya kaming lumabas sa 15," explain ko habang tinutulungan siyang ilipat ang pagkain sa mesa. The words came out to me naturally, na parang nagkukuwento sa isang kaibigan, na parang hindi kami nawalan ng komunikasyon nang ilang buwan.
Nang mailipat namin ang lahat, umalis ulit saglit si Monic para ibalik ang tray at kumuha ng utensils. "You need water?" she asked from the counter.
Tumango ako.
"Malamig?"
I nodded again.
Pagbalik niya, I said thanks as she gave me the cup of water plus a fork. May hawak rin siyang isang tinidor para sa carbonara na kaniyang order.
"So couz asked you guys out on the 15th?" she asked, continuing the conversation.
Tumango ako, blowing on my hot chocolate before sipping. "Wait, you do know that they're--"
"Fluid?" she finished. Nang tumango ako ay tumango rin siya. "Yeah. They told me when they went to Australia. Actually, sabay kaming umuwi."
Monic and I continued talking, catching up with the things she'd been busy with while she was with her parents in Melbourne, Australia. Ramdam kong may reservations pa rin siya. She's still on the process of healing, but I admire her strength. I wish the best for her. For real.
"Alam kong kaya mo 'yan," sagot ko nang sabihin niyang mag-eenroll siya ngayon para sa pangarap niyang med school. 'Yun ang dahilan kung bakit kailangan niya ang kan'yang diploma noong college, the very reason she mustered all her courage to contact me.
"Tsaka, alam mo ba, after we broke up, saka ka hinanap ng mga magulang ko. They said they miss you."
Tumaas ang mga kilay ko dahil doon. We were never approved by her parents. Puro banta ang naririnig ko sa daddy niya noon, tsaka guilt-tripping mula sa mama niya. So, hearing that they looked for me was a surprising news.
"What the-- Sigurado ka? Ako ba talaga ang hinahanap nila? O baka naman hindi 'yun ang parents mo. Magpa-DNA test kayo. Doppelganger 'yun."
Naiiling na natawa si Monic. "Hindi rin ako makapaniwala noong una. But when I first came to Melbourne, I din't tell them that we broke up. Natatakot kasi akong sasabihin lang nilang 'I told you so', or something along those lines. But instead, what I got was, 'the next time you come back here, bring your girlfriend'."
"What?"
Mabilis na tumango si Monic sabay inom sa kaniyang kape. "Eh two weeks pa lang ata nun after we broke up, so when I heard that, I cried. In front of them. As in, ang pangit ng iyak ko nun."
Hindi ko alam kung anong irereact so I just chuckled. "At least th--" Natigilan ako.
Wiping her mouth with a napkin, Monic raised her brows at me. "What?" she asked.
I winced, pushing a hand against the part where I felt pain in my stomach. "Just -- contractions. Nothing I haven't experienced." Dumaan ang ilang segundo at nawala rin. Huminga ako nang malalim bago sumandal sa upuan.
"Kailan ang due date mo?" she asked, worry still etched on her face.
I waved a hand dismissively. "Late ako. I'm way past my due date."
"So pwede kang manganak anytime?"
"Uh-huh. Pero," nagkibit-balikat ako, "wala pa rin. Just random contractions and false labor. After the third time na sumugod kami ni Raffy sa ospital at wala pa ring nangyari, nadala na 'ko."
Tumango si Monic. I don't think she believed me, pero hindi na siya nagsalita.
"Anyway," pag-iba ko ng topic. "Babalik ka rin ba agad sa Melbourne?"
Tumango siya. "Yeah. By the end of the week siguro-- Sia?"
I raised my hand, waving at her. "I'm fine," I managed. Napapikit ako habang iniinda ang sakit. In my mind, I'm counting. Ilang segundo na ba? Why does this feel longer than the last time? I groaned in agony.
"Hey. See."
Lumaki ang mga mata ko nang makaramdam ng mainit na likidong dumadaloy sa hita ko. "Shit," I cursed under my breath.
Tumayo si Monic at dumalo sa 'kin. She took one look at me, her face surprisingly calm. "Your water just broke. But don't worry, I've got you."
"Raffy."
Inangat ni Monic ang tingin niya sa 'kin. When our eyes met, I asked her, "Please call him. Nandito lang 'yun."
"Okay." Monic was about to reach for my phone when I cried in pain once again. Shaking her head, Mon said, "I'll just call him on the way, See. I need to bring you to the hospital now."
Napapikit ako. I'm not sure what happened next. I just felt people -- hands -- helping me stand and walking me to the mall entrance. We took a taxi and went off to the hospital. I could barely make out the words Monic said to Raffy. All I know is that, I am in labor and we'll see our daughter soon.
To be continued...