"Balloons are deflated.
Guess they look lifeless like me."
Giveon's - godly sent, fucking a-maz-ing - voice blurted out the song lyrics of Heartbreak anniversary through my headphone speakers. This song had me questioning myself: Was me drowning myself in this song, sad? Was I depressed? Was this really how I was spending my days?
All questions were answered with a single: yes.
I was laying down in my bed, listening, crying? to Giveon. This was sad. I was depressed. And this was how I was spending my days. Oh and not only was I listening to Giveon, many many many other sad songs from different artist were also being blurted out through my headphone speakers. If an artist had a sad song, best believe I was streaming it. Streaming it and. . .crying? I moved my hand up to touch my cheek, it was wet.
Yup, I was definitely crying.
And fuck this was what I did not wanted to happen. I did not want to spend two whole days in my room just crying, listening to depressing, heartbreaking music and crying but. . .ugh it was the only thing I could do. I was in a lazy, down, sluggish, gloomy mood. And trust me, I've tried to do other stuff. My legs just couldn't move from out the bed. My next plan was to turn my music station into something more. . .upbeat. Anything else than sad. (I even tried listening to fucking techno). But my hands wouldn't corporate with my mind. The sons-of-bitches kept hitting the replay button on every heartbreaking and breakup song. My hands and my mind were on two totally different paths - my mind wanted me to get hype and listen to fucking Kid Ink? while on the other side my hands wanted me to listen to music that would have me drowning in my own tears.
Guess which side won?
Well seeing as I was actually drowning in my own tears, it was safe to say that my hands had picked the music.
Picked the music for two days. Did I mention I've been in this state for two days? Well, one full day technically. But in a few hours, I would officially be in this depressing state for two full days (the day was almost over). And by that state - I meant I have been in my room, snuggling under the covers, staring at the ceiling: listening to music, thinking, thinking, oh crying and thinking.
I was mad at myself.
I was mad at Vance.
Vance. Vance. Fucking bum ass Vance. That name was the only thing that's been swarming through my head these past days. His name was causing ruckus. Causing disturbance. It was like a bad rash. But instead of an itch making me twitch and get irritated, it was a gang of questions that kept popping up in my mind annoying me. Some questions I found myself asking was: Did Vance really say so things? Did Vance really mean what he said? Was Vance a fucking idiot?
Oh I knew the answer to one of those questions, to the last question: A fuck yes.
And that statement was true - about Vance being an idiot - because he let those disgusting and hateful come out of his mouth about me. He was an idiot because he thought that I wasn't going to get offended. He was an idiot because he fucking lost me.
And a small part of me was denying that last statement. The idiot side of me was denying that last statement.
I was feeling all types of different emotions. My head was in scrabbles. Like the game. My mind was like a big, blank, empty playing board. Only certain letters were popping up: M, I, S, N, G. I was trying to unscramble my mind using those clues: Was I mad? Yeah. Was an idiot? Yeah. Was I sad? Yeah. Was I nauseous? No. Was I grumpy? A little.
But then the word appeared, bold and bright, in front of my eyes: missing. I was missing Vance.
Damn, was that really true?
I already knew that answer. It was a sick answer because of what had just occurred a few nights back. I knew I shouldn't be missing him. I knew I that shouldn't let him have this much power over me. I knew, I fucking knew, that I should get over the man.
My heart was the one having the most trouble accepting that. I didn't know when it switched its tune about Vance but right now, it was weeping. Yes it was still torn in two but it was aching, wanted Vance to be the glue that brought the two parts back together.
"Don't want to let you out my head."
That lyric. That fucking lyric was stuck in my head now.
I couldn't, or didn't want to?, get Vance out of my head.
I wanted to hit something. I wanted to hit my head against a glass window. Wait - I wanted to get my mind erased. Erased and switched to a time period, back in time, when I didn't even know who Vance was so that I didn't have to experience this feeling. These feelings. These confusing feelings - my mind split in two. My heart split in half. It was crazy how much he had affected me with a couple of sentences. I've had people say all types of shit to me - racist shit, disgusting shit, just shit in general -, and no one has ever left me fucking torn apart.
I've even had someone - an ex of mine - tell me I sucked at sucking dick, straight to my face. But the funny thing was that I was not even a smidge offended. I didn't care about his opinion, on anything concerning me really.
I wasn't in love with him, like how I was in love with Vance. That was why. That was why every single rude thing that came out of Vance's mouth stung me in the heart. His words had a sharp edge like a barded stinger.
I was so stupid for that - falling in love with that man. I was so stupid for messing with that man in the first place. I was so stupid for messing with that man at school. All in all, I was doing a lot of stupid shit because of said man. The man made me do stupid shit.
So, who's fault really was it?
I never told him to touch me. I never told him to say all the shit that he said. I never told him to fuck me. Oh, wait - did I?
Ugh, I honesty didn't want to think anymore. I just wanted to get lost in the same song that had been playing for ten minutes straight - Heartbreak Anniversary. Was that a good way for me to deal with my emotions? Whatever, I was going to do it anyway. My ears took charge and I got lost in the song again. It felt like the song was speaking to me. Speaking to me. Maybe it was because of how Giveon's voice pulled you in? Giveon's deep, soothing voice that was keeping me calm.
Real calm.
A couple of seconds later - I was in this peaceful state. Tranquility. One of my hands rose and I brought it to my face, swept it over my cheeks and noticed that it was only slightly damp. My tears had stopped flowing. My breathing had became steady. And my eyelids started to drop, lower. I was at peace. Peaceful. Restful. Calm.
Real calm.
In a split second, the peaceful state was interrupted because a sea of Erin came rushing through my room and swept away all my tiredness. I huffed and removed my headphones from my ears and landed them on my side desk. Erin had on her pajamas, I knew she was staying long. Then I saw her take steps closer to me, to the bed, then she sat.
And I couldn't be made at her with the way she was looking at me. With the way she was caring for me all yesterday and Thursday. I couldn't stay mad at Erin. How could I ever be mad at someone who just wanted the best for me?
She faced me. "Hey Riv, you feeling better?"
I moved around my bed, moved around in my sheets and slightly sat up and looked toward where Erin was sitting. "Better than last night and Thursday for sure."
And that was the truth. Because. . .whew. Thursday I was a fucking train wreck, oh and yesterday I was a train wreck. Erin's arms are probably sore from me squeezing on them to death for two nights straight. I didn't know how she did it. I didn't even know how she could put up with all the whaling I was doing for the past nights. I was crying my fucking heart out and Erin was just there by my side acting like I had nothing to be ashamed of. And I knew I had a lot to be ashamed of. I guess that was what best friends were for.
It was also shocking to me, and surprised me on how well Erin's voice was. It sounded perfectly still intact and not even a smidge horse from all the cursing, yelling she was doing and wishing all types of different shit on her brother. I bet she summoned something to go conjure Vance last night. It was a loud, sad, and crazy at the Ballas and Lawson residence for Thursday and Friday night.
She leaned her body back and down, and her body landed over my feet - which were spread out in front of me. I lightly nudged her top half up with my toes, a silent move that meant get up, but she didn't stay the hint and was still stationed there, laid. "That's good River. Oh and before I forget, I have something for you." And before I mutter out a single what?, she had lifted herself up and off from the bed and had scurried out of the room. I don't remember exactly how many seconds it took - less than ten for sure -, and she arrived back in my room but this time a mug was in her hand. She lifted it my way, "Here this is for you. Now I know you and my brother are the cooks, but this tea I made? beats anything that fucking bum ever made you."
A laugh came out from my mouth as she finished her sentence. But I didn't laugh too hard because she had already adjusted the cup in my hand in two point six seconds. And the damn cup was filled up to the rim. "Erin, why didn't you let some of the water out? You better hope that I don't drop this all over my bed." And before I forget my manners, I said, "And thank you for making me tea."
"You're welcome and yeah yeah." She waved her hands in a yeah I get it manner. Then, before I could even move the mug up to get another slip, she tries to kill me. Well not literally kill me but she got on the top of her heels, jumped from her standing position on the edge of the bed, and landed on the completely other side of the bed with a big oof. She was lucky, oh she was lucky, that I had a tight grip on my mug cup. I would be so annoyed if all the tea just plastered all down my bed.
And even know the mug hadn't moved an inch, not even a drop outta place, I still scolded her. It was actually now of my favorite things to do. "Erin, what is wrong with you? Do you not see how high you filled this cup? It could've landed all down my freshly, new, cleaned, covers."
Her ears dropped down to the cup and she muttered out a, "Damn, sorry." Then a second later she turned toward the tv screen and said, "Anyways, what are we watching tonight?"
I eyed her. I thought she had work today? She already had stayed home with me all day yesterday, and I thought there was some work-shop thing scheduled for tonight? "You don't have to go into work today?"
"Nope, told them I couldn't make it."
Nuh uh. I didn't like the sound of that, of her missing any day of work and a pay check because of my 'relationship' issues. "You don't need to stay here, go out. Tell me, you really didn't cancel some extra pay day because you wanted to stay home with me and be a bum?"
"Damn right I did." She moved her eyes away from me and started to look straight, then down, and her eyes landed on the remote that was located on the lower part of the bed. She continued, "And trust me, it was just a little workshop they were having fro the staff. Nothing super important and they were not paying me anything extra." Then she got comfortable and by getting comfortable I meant that- she brought both of her legs under the comforter and just snugged the rest of her body inside. "And even if I was getting paid, I would never leave you like this. A damn mess. First heartbreak, huh?"
A groan mixed with a laugh came out. "Shut up and your brother is to blame." And me.
"Oh, I know. He is an idiot."
"Damn right he is." I brought the mug up to my mouth, took a sip of my tea, then sat it on my bedside table. Once I put my mug in a secure, stable place I snuggled my arms back into the comforter and got cozy. It was a movie night.
"Okay, what are we watching?" Erin asked.
I brought my cover up higher when I felt a wind fly by. Why my window open? I didn't check, I was too lazy to even turn my head a smudge to check. When I opened my mouth to answer Erin's question, it came out muffed because of where the cover was placed.
"What?" Erin said.
I tired to talk again, still had my cover situated over my mouth - Yes, I was too lazy to even move another inch - and it came out muffled again. Erin must of had enough, and helped me out my politely yanking my cover down and from my mouth. I was once again cold. "I don't care. Just something funny. . .or scary." I said quickly and re-angled the cover back over the bottom half of my face.
Those were the best movie choices for me to view right now. If I were to watch something romantic, my mind would drift off to Vance and think: Oh that could've been us and none of those thoughts needed to arise. I had already wasted a big portion of my time on him, so the rest of my day needed to go by smoothly. Smoothly with my best friend and I in bed watching movies.
I saw Erin sit back and switch the tv on with the remote. Next, she went to the movie app and we started to click, look, through different titles. First it was the comedy section then we went though the horror section. We always took a long time picking what we wanted, but if you were going to watch it a movie it needed to be something that you wanted to see. Time was money. And our time was precious. Roughly thirty minutes later, yeah thirty minutes, we settled down with two choices. One movie choice was from comedy and once movie choice was from horror.
"Okay so, we have Night school? Or. . ." She switched her cursor over and clicked on the next arrow. "Paranormal Activity?"
So, Kevin Hart or Ghosts? "Paranormal Activity." You couldn't pay me to look at another Kevin Heart movie.
And for the rest of the night, we spent out time in bed watching movies. We also ordered pizza around the middle portion of the movie. Our stomachs were growling and dominos sounded good, for some reason. Did pizza and tea go together? Nope, but that was my delicious dinner for the night. I had weirder combos I had ate together. Also, the one movie thing tuned into a marathon of movies. We watched the first Paranormal, looked at the time and thought: why not another one? That same question was asked five times in a row. The third Paranormal was my favorite out of the six. The scariest to me was the first one. And that made sense because the first movies are always the scariest.
I was really proud of myself too. My focus hadn't shifted once when I was watching the movies. I hadn't thought of Vance once, but now I was messing up that streak. Oh well I was alone now. It made sense for my thoughts to only be centered around Vance. I had no one or nothing to distract me from said thoughts. After movie six finished up, Erin had slugged herself over to her room and I was alone. . .mind on ten. My tv was off. My music was off. My lights were off.
My mind awake.
My heart also awake. Now acting up. Doing stupid shit, weeping for Vance. Wanting Vance. Mourning Vance. But trust me - I wasn't going to do anything to cure that feeling. I wouldn't do anything, anymore because I was making my mind up. I had made my mind up:
I was going to get over Vance.
Starting today.
I wasn't going to deal with anymore mixed signals. I wasn't going to deal with any more false promises. I wasn't going to deal with any hateful words. I didn't want to deal with unrequited love.
And with this plan, I was going to follow through. I was going to get over him, right? Right.
With my mind now set in game-plan mode, I snuggled myself back deep in my comforter. Closed my eyes, waited for the darkness to come over me and. . .nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I was still awake and not in a deep sleep. Didn't know what was keeping me up though: my 'plan' or 'ghosts'.
I just watched a whole marathon of scary movies, so I'll just blame the ghosts.
Yep, the ghosts.
***
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