The day was finally here. For four months I had waited in vain, dreading its arrival. It had been a bleak storm stewing in the distance: swelling black clouds growing nearer with every passing second. But, like with all things we anticipate, watching it approach was often so much worse than living in it in the present.
The storm was here, right above me, but no lightning crashed, no thunder boomed; rain did not pelt my skin, nor did wind thrash me about. It was a normal sunny day in San Diego. I had lived out my time, as each of us did, and I had accepted that.
It didn't mean I wasn't scared. I was terrified. But I was also ready.
Vi and I were seated in our favorite section of beach on Fiesta Island. Dogs of all sizes reared and trotted past us, some coming by for a quick scratch. I happily obliged. Gentle waves lapped on the shore; the sound eased my breathing. In and out, in and out. All things had a rhythm.
"How did you know Warner liked you?" Vi asked.
I had just told her everything leading up to Warner's departure. She hadn't been surprised, nor had she insisted that it couldn't be possible. Vi simply listened as I retold the entire wild and incredible story, and I hadn't realized how much I needed to tell it – to hear it out loud – because it made it seem real.
At my retelling, some happiness washed in. In and out, in and out.
"I'm not really sure," I said honestly. "I think it was kind of sudden. You know, like it was slowly happening, but before I could process anything I was already there."
"It wasn't like that with Meghan and me."
"No." I smiled towards the ocean. "I don't think so either."
"I knew right away that I liked her."
"And I think the same was true for her," I agreed.
"Will you date him when he gets home from deployment?"
In and out, in and out.
"Um, I'd like to," I said truthfully as a void filled my chest. "We'll see how things go."
"If he kissed you like you said he did, I think he'll want to date you when he gets back. Unless he finds somebody on the ship. I've read that happens a lot. People get lonely on deployment and start relationships with people on the same ship. Usually they end once the deployment is over."
Nudging her with my shoulder, I said, "Okay, Vi." A flock of seagulls soared in front of us, and I added, "We all aspire to have what you and Meghan have."
"She told me she loved me yesterday."
Whipping sideways, I exclaimed, "She what? Vi! That's so – I'm so happy for you."
"I told her I loved her too."
I was elated. Vi deserved happiness, and I was simply thankful I got to see her relationship evolve with Meghan. While Vi was the same person I had grown up with, Meghan had shifted something in her, and watching Vi take her new form had been wonderful. My best friend was an inspiration, and I was lucky to have been given the chance to spend so many years by her side.
The thought of never seeing Vi again made my eyes burn. I would miss her – probably more than anyone. We were the two outsiders at recess who found each other and developed a bond that had been tried and tested over time, sometimes fraying but never breaking. We always found our way back together, each time a little stronger, and that connection was one to be feared, because nothing could fracture it.
"I'm really proud of you, Vi," I said.
"For what?"
"For being so brave all the time."
"I'm not brave," she stated.
Wrapping my arms around my knees, I said, "Yes, you are. You're the bravest person I know, and I – I..." Tenderness ached in my throat. "I wish I would have told you that more."
Vi didn't say anything, and that was okay, because I knew she understood. Vi was my rock – she had been for a long time – and I wished I had realized sooner that she not only provided me with a safe place, but she was also a source of strength.
"You know I love you, right?" I whispered.
"Yes," she said.
The waves breathed along the shore against the cries of the seagulls.
"I love you too, Delia."
xxx
It was now eight o'clock on the evening of my death day. I had been nervous on my drive to the restaurant from Fiesta Island, wondering if the cause would be from a car accident; however, a half an hour later, I walked safely through the chipped door of a Mexican restaurant in Ocean Beach.
My mom and I shared the meal over the lowlight of a table in the quaint restaurant, each swapping bites of food from the other's plate. It was a pleasant distraction, but, as our meals started to dwindle, the panic started to rise. I only had four hours left, and while I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, the waiting and uncertainty was a slow torture; my mind was doing circles and I wondered – no, I desperately tried to justify that the date the woman had given me hadn't been my death date.
"What's on your mind, honey?" my mom asked as she licked the remaining food from her fork.
"Do you – do you know it?" I asked.
Crinkling her forehead, she said, "Know what?"
"My death date."
My mom's marbled eyes, glowing in the dim light, fell on me. "Delia, why are you asking that?"
"Mom, please, just answer. Do you know it?"
She sighed and brought her hands to massage her temples. "No. And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you."
"You don't know it? You didn't hear it when I was born?" I asked in disbelief.
"No. I was never given your death date, Delia. I don't know why. Sometimes I think I missed it, or maybe I blocked it out..." She narrowed her gaze. "I think – I don't know – maybe being so closely related – sharing such a close biology – prevented me from hearing the date. Like we were too connected for me to be given it." She blinked. "But even if any of that is the case, I don't have it."
Half of me was shocked, the other half distressed. I had no further clarity and was left to sit and wait for the next four hours to unfold. But her statement did make me wonder...
"Could Grandma hear them too?" I asked.
My mom pursed her lips. "I don't know. I honestly don't. Maybe if she did and I had found out, I would have realized much sooner that you could hear them."
Nodding, I inhaled. I needed to ask one more question. "Did you ever get yours?"
"What?" She folded her arms. "My death date?"
"Yeah."
"No. Delia, what's going – what are you talking about?"
Exhaling until my lungs deflated, I wanted to keep doing so until I vanished into thin air.
"Nothing," I said. "It was just a question."
"Delia, listen," she started, "It's not a fun thing to live with. I know that. It makes you question everything. Should you tell the person you just met they're going to die in less than a week? Or your friend that her mom isn't going to make it past Christmas? It makes you question your sanity – think about things you shouldn't have to think about. It's a curse."
"Curses are also gifts," I repeated, thinking of Melanie.
My mom's hand wrapped around mine. "That they are. With the right outlook, and you've somehow managed to figure that out before I ever could." Her grasp tightened. "I am so proud of you, you know. You didn't have – I didn't make it easy on you growing up, and you managed to turn into this amazing woman, and I just – Delia, you're going to do so many great things. You've already done so many great things, and I am so, so proud of you, honey."
I squeezed her hand to relieve the pressure building in my heart. "Thanks, Mom. I'm proud of you too."
With a flick of her wrist, she pushed the sentiment away.
"I am. Really. You've taught me a lot, but mainly, you taught me not to give up."
Her eyes started to well; I fell from the booth and enveloped her in a hug. It was a release. My mom was back and healthy, and I knew she'd be okay without me. The world knew what it was doing – what she needed – and while the sudden reemergence of my dad had been agonizing, ultimately it resolved itself; my mom got the help she needed, and I started to mend a broken relationship.
"Thanks for having dinner with me, Delia," my mom whispered into my ear as we broke apart. "I love this place."
Grinning, I said, "Can't beat Mexican food in San Diego."
She eased herself out of the booth. "You ready to head home?"
"Oh, um, actually, I'm gonna head to Vi's," I lied, casting my sights to a couple eating.
"Didn't you just see her?"
Playing with my nose, I continued, "Um, yeah. She wants me to stay the night."
"Okay, honey," my mom said, skeptically.
The two of us exited the restaurant after receiving a heartfelt thank you for the man behind the counter and stepped into the chilled air. After we had reached our cars, my mom said, "Have fun with Vi. I love you. Drive safe, and I'll see you in the morning." She pulled me into another hug.
"Love you too, Mom." I tried to linger in her embrace as long as I could.
Hopping into my car, I waited for her to leave before I pulled from the parking lot. I wasn't going to Vi's. I was going to the beach, North Cove, and maybe it was impractical to not head to my apartment when I knew my time was quickly counting down, but I didn't care. The way I saw it, the moment was inevitable, and I was going to spend my remaining minutes with my toes dug into the cool sand watching the stars as they glittered and reflected on the smooth ocean.
The streets were nearly empty. Apart from a few cars, I was alone. Only five minutes until I was on the beach, wind filtering through my hair, which would leave me three and half hours. While the panic was still present, it didn't rule me; I owned it. I had lived my life. I had made a new friend, volunteered, broken up with my boyfriend, started going to a new school, helped my mom, told my father the truth, and developed feelings for a guy who made my heart sore. It hadn't all been good, but it had all been real. Real emotions had a home inside me, and nothing could take them away. They were mine. I earned them.
I signaled to turn at a stoplight. My windshield was painted red in the light's reflection. And when it flashed green, I eased off the brake and entered the single lane road, but before I got much farther, and before I could react, another car pulled out of a side road. Headlights blinded me as a jolt surged through my body. And then, after one giant flash, everything went black.
Darkness surrounded me. I was in the night sky – vast and tiny, desolate and teeming – and suddenly I was weightless; I was floating in space with the billions of other stars. We were so far away but still so close. Their light reached me, and I wondered if mine reached them. Together we drifted and drifted and drifted, our solidarity separating us but connecting us the same.
On and on I floated, traveling around the pool of lights, each with a story to tell. Maybe now I would get the chance to hear all of their stories, to visit their lands, walk along their surfaces and really understand. Maybe that's what it would be like. I would be able to travel in a sea of stars until I had met each one and heard their stories.
The sky grew darker, but the lights remained, and deeper and deeper I drifted...
xxx
A/N: Sorry for the cliffhanger 😬🙄 I hope you enjoyed this (or enjoyed it as much as you could with how it ended). Two chapters to go! And I do promise to post the final two back-to-back so you don't have to wait! I hate waiting, so I'll be nice! See you guys soon <3 Thanks for reading!