"Someday when the pages of my life end, I know that you will be on of its most beautiful chapters." --unknown
~~~
I don't remember much of what happened. I just know that I woke up in hysterics from my dream and that someone came into my room and sedated me. Maybe that's why everything has felt so surreal. I was in a drug induced state drifting between my illusions and cruel reality.
But no drug could numb the pain. Ever. It just kept me immobilized as I drowned in it. It kept me still while I cried until I couldn't breathe. It kept me still while Haymitch came in and told me the story.
He told me how they were overrun in the Capitol. How they were fighting off a pack of mutts. How Finnick fought hard. He told me Finnick didn't suffer for long. That Katniss was able to at least give him a quick death. But none of that mattered to me. He still suffered. He was still dead. He was still gone. Long story short with nothing but the ugly truth.
I don't talk to anybody. I never utter a word. Delly tries but eventually stops trying. Plutarch comes and says he has Dad and Luke on the videocamera so I can talk to them but I just close my eyes and moan until he goes away. It's not until an unexpected visitor comes in that I'm broken from my spell.
Peeta comes in the room slowly, cautiously. He gives me a small smile, but I can still see the pain in his eyes. Maybe we're all walking around with that pain and can't do anything to hide it.
"Hi Annie," he greets. "I wanted to come sooner, but I was just released from the hospital."
I look up at Peeta. He has burn scars all over his arms and some are crawling up the side of his neck. Haymitch told me he and Katniss were in the square when firebombs exploded everywhere. It's been weeks since that happened but his injuries must be bad for him to stay that long. But even with all of the physical injuries, his expression seems clearer, more at ease, like he's finally learned to break away from the demons that keep ahold of him.
I don't say anything and Peeta slowly sits at the end of my bed. He takes something out of his pocket and my heart aches painfully when I see my name written in Finnick's messy handwriting.
"Finnick wanted me to give this to you," Peeta says gently.
Tears threaten to fall down my cheeks and I have to struggle to bite back the sob threatening to overcome me. I take the letter in shaking hands and rub my thumb gently over the surface.
Peeta nods once and gets up to leave. Before he can walk out the door I turn and look at him.
"Thank you," I tell him. My voice sounds weak and shakes with unshed tears.
A conflicted look comes over Peeta's face. It looks like he wants to say something but then he just presses his mouth into a straight line. "Stay strong," he says.
Then he closes the door and I carefully open Finnick's letter. I don't know if I want to read his final words, but this is all I have left of him. So with shaking fingers I unfold the paper and read Finnick's goodbye.
Dear Annie, my love,
I'm sorry. I know those words sound empty, but I truly, truly am. I promised you I would be safe and come back, but I broke that promise. I could blame this on bad luck and cursed fate, and a lot of it is, but I also had a choice. I'm only telling you this because I need you to know, and understand, and hopefully forgive me.
When things got bad I had a chance to get away and go back. I don't know how good of a chance it was or if it would have even worked out. But I didn't take it. Instead I went deeper into the Capitol on some made up mission with a personal vendetta. Annie, I was angry. So unbelievably angry at everything the Capitol and Snow have done that I wanted to go with Katniss and help her kill him.
I wanted to get back at him for putting me in the games. Killing my dad. Selling me as a slave. What you went through and trying to stop our love. Killing Mags and taking you. Torturing Johanna and countless other things. I was so fed up and angry and this was my chance.
I'm sorry, Annie. I should never have let all of that consume me. But I also couldn't abandon Katniss and Peeta. After everything, they deserved a friend and someone who would protect them until the end. Because you know what? They really do love each other. You were right all along. And I wanted them to have a chance at the love we have.
Because our love story is amazing, one in a million and one to last lifetimes. It was unexpected and prevailed through the impossible. Annie, you've given me the happiest years of my life and I will always be in debt to you because of that. You're my light and the reason I wake up every day. I want to keep living just so that I can see your smile and hear your laugh and kiss you so that you can see a fraction of the love I have for you.
But if you're reading this, then you know that I didn't get my wish. But my final one is this, that you keep going on. That you stay strong and keep loving life. Because, Annie, that's you. A radiant, beautiful woman who loves life and that I was lucky enough to have love me. You'll be a great mother. I know you will so never doubt yourself.
Our son will grow up to be an amazing man because he has you as a mother. I just wish I could be there along the way. But no matter what I'll still be with you. You have our memories. Like that time when we first met and all I was was a nuisance and you did nothing but glare at me. That time on the beach when you buried me in sand or the first time we had dinner together and laughed the whole night. Or when I first showed you our oasis, when we told each other how we loved each other. Honestly there's too many to mention but any moment with you was a breath of fresh air and nothing but blissful happiness.
So, Annie, please don't forget even a single moment. Remember how much I love you. Because for me it was always you and will always be you. I promised to love you until the day I died, but I'll love you even in the next life wherever I end up because that's what forever and always means. So stay strong, Annie. I love you to the moon and back and to the stars beyond.
Yours forever,
Finnick
P.S. Give this to Luke. I believe he won a bet.
A laugh breaks through my crying and turns into body shaking sobs. It took me almost an hour to finish Finnick's letter because my eyes were so full of tears that his words blurred on the pages. I clutch the last thing I have of him close to my chest and take in a shuddering breath.
Why Finn? Why?
A whole deluge of emotions are threatening to drown me. Anger and frustration that Finnick would go into the Capitol and leave me here alone. That he sacrificed our happy future. But nothing can dull the piercing pain in my heart and the crushing despair. His note made everything all too real. He'll never hold me in his arms or leave gentle kisses in the night. I'll never hear his laugh or get lost in his emerald eyes. Finnick is really gone and not coming back.
***
Sometime, even though I don't want to, I'm forced to go to the Capitol. Then I'll be going back to District Four. My stay in Thirteen was never anything but temporary and at the first sign the war is over they're kicking us out, our use exhausted. Not that I care. I hate it there. They took him from me. They're the reason he's gone.
What is apparently three weeks later, I'm sitting here in a meeting deciding the future of Panem amid the now muted colors of the Capitol and remnants of the once great city. Everywhere I look there's evidence of losses. In the streets where people took their last stand. In the scorch marks of the bombs that took lives and left nothing but a scar in their wake. In the never ending pain in everyone's eyes. It's everywhere and deep inside of me. We lost so much and I still don't know if it was worth it.
"What are we waiting for?" Johanna asks in annoyance. She looks angrier than usual lately and her hand is always twitching like she wants to punch the closest person to her.
"Katniss still isn't here," Beetee answers solemnly. He's lost his usual vigor and energy. Maybe because the fight is finally over or maybe because he's just tired.
We won but no one seems particularly happy about it. The mood is heavy and I just want to get out of here. There are too many memories, too much sadness. I bring my knees into my chest. I can't help but think that he died here. He was killed here. Somewhere his body is here or what's left of it. My breath hitches at the thought but before I can lose it completely, Katniss walks in.
I barely recognize her. She has wounds and scars all over her body from the burns. Even with the Capitol's medical technology her skin is riddled with evidence of her pain. She lost weight and walks with slow steps. But one look in her eyes tells me that whatever is going on inside is much worse. Katniss lost her sister, Prim. Just one more loss to add to the never ending list.
"What's going on?" Katniss asks quietly.
"We're not sure," Haymitch answers. Katniss looks at him without emotion. "It appears to be a gathering of the remaining victors."
"We're all that's left?" Katniss says in shock.
"The price of being a celebrity. We were targeted from both sides. The Capitol killed those they thought were rebels. The rebels killed who they thought sided with the Capitol," Beetee explains.
I put my head in my hands. I don't want to be here. Finnick should be here with me. We should be back in Four with Dad and Luke. Everyone keeps talking but falls silent when a door opens and I hear President Coin.
"Sit down please, Katniss," Coin says. Katniss moves between me and Beetee and Coin continues talking. "I've asked you here to settle a debate. Snow will be executed today. We tried all of Snow's accomplices and they await their own deaths. However the citizens are still not satisfied. We have come up with an alternative and need you all to make the final decision. Instead of killing all Capitol citizens, we will have a final Hunger Games, using the children who are directly related to those who were in power."
I'm so stunned that I lift my head to see if Coin is serious. However Coin isn't the joking type and she just stares at is stoically. Meanwhile all of the victors are shocked.
"What?" Johanna questions. She's the first one to talk.
"We have another Hunger Games with Capitol children," Coin answers.
"Are you joking?" Peeta exclaims. He's standing up now. He leans forward over the table and looks closely at Coin.
"No," Coin replies calmly. "And if we do hold the games then it will be revealed that it was with the approval of the victors, though your individual votes won't be disclosed."
"Was this Plutarch's idea?" Haymitch asks with disgust in his voice. I know Plutarch likes a good show but I don't think he'd drop that low and completely turn his back on the world he came from.
"No, it was mine," Coin answers and my dislike for her only grows. "It seemed like the best compromise to satisfy the people with the least amount of deaths. You may vote now."
"No!" Peeta shouts immediately. "Of course I say no!"
"Why not?" Johanna counters back. She leans back in her chair with her arms crossed. "Snow even has a granddaughter. I say yes."
"So do I," Enobaria answers. "Let them get a taste of their own medicine."
She looks around the room and I shudder. I still get chills looking at her long golden teeth.
Peeta is growing more agitated now and shouts how we can't do this again. He looks at each of us and I jump when he calls my name.
"Annie? What do you think?" Peeta asks.
I swallow and look down at my hands. "I vote no. So would Finnick if he were here."
"But he's not because Snow's mutts killed him," Johanna says.
My eyes dart up to hers but she's just looking back at Peeta with a bored expression. Tears blur my vision and I struggle to control my breathing. I cover my ears with my hands and concentrate on all of the good things like Finnick taught me to. But I can't. There's nothing good anymore.
I don't hear the rest of the votes but they must've voted in favor of the games because Peeta throws his hands in the air in frustration. Coin nods in approval. She says something I don't hear. I can't take staying here anymore and rush out of the room.
I go back to my old room in the Training Center since the train won't be taking us back home until tomorrow night. I slam the door closed and collapse on to the bed. I bury my face in a pillow and finally let the tears fall. Even three weeks later the pain still hasn't lessened and each day is darker without Finnick in it.
I hear someone calling my name from outside and a moment later the handle of my door turns down. Someone pushes it open and Johanna peeks her head inside. She closes it behind her and stands there awkwardly for a moment.
"What do you want?" I ask in a raspy voice. I wipe my tears and turn to face her.
Johanna sighs and takes a step further inside. "Annie, I'm sorry," she apologizes.
Sorry? She goes around saying those things and she has the audacity to pretend she's sorry?
I stand up and throw the pillow in my hands to the side.
"No! Stop! You don't care! You don't care that he's dead!" I shout.
Johanna shakes her head with a horrified expression and takes a small step back. She opens her mouth and for a moment struggles to find what words to say. Meanwhile I'm standing there, fuming and breathing heavily.
"How can you say that?" Johanna asks in confusion. Her eyebrows are furrowed in anger and her fists are clenched by her side. "Of course I do."
I scoff. "Then how can you say those things?"
"It's the truth." Johanna tells me with narrowed eyes.
A frustrated cry leaves my mouth. I sit back on the bed, shake my head, and quickly stand up again. I push my hair back and stare angrily at Johanna.
"Don't you think I know that? I do and it's killing me!" I yell. "Did you know you were one of the reasons he went in there? To get revenge for what the Capitol did to you."
Johanna steps forward and pushes me back. Not hard but enough to cause me to stumble. I catch myself and look up to see Johanna's dark brown eyes inches from mine. They're burning with anger and shimmering with unshed tears.
"Don't blame this on me! I didn't ask Finnick to go get himself killed for me. Sure he might've gone in so he could get back at the Capitol for torturing me. But he also did it for Mags, for himself, for you. For all the shit and hell the Capitol put us through. He had countless reasons so don't you dare blame this on me!
Sure, Snow may be dead now, but that doesn't change the fact that Finnick is dead. That I lost the best friend I had. So don't blame this on me. Don't you dare, Annie Cresta Odair. Don't."
Johanna is whispering by the end, her eyes filled with so much sorrow. I close the distance between us and wrap my arms around Johanna. She instantly breaks down, and I can feel her body shaking as sobs overcome her. Johanna isn't the hugging type, but she doesn't push me. Instead she holds me closer and we cry together.
I forget that she knew Finnick longer than I did. They were friends years before he met me. I don't know much about Johanna. Finnick just said she's been through a lot, lost everything she had. She didn't make friends easily with a personality like hers, but she found a friend in Finnick. Now he's left us both.
"I'm sorry," I apologize in a thick voice. "It's not your fault. I know that. I was just mad. He did it for all of us."
"I know, and now that stupid bastard is dead," Johanna cries angrily.
Johanna and I end up falling asleep in my room, in a restless sleep from the nightmares that'll never leave us. The next morning we watch the execution on television then board the train that night and go our own ways. We arrived in District Seven first and before she left, Johanna gave me a small smile.
"Stay in touch," Johanna said. It looked like she wanted to say more, but instead she pursed her lips tightly and stepped off.
I just nodded and waved at her from the window as the train pulled out. Enobaria was dropped off, then Beetee. Katniss, Haymitch, and Peeta were still in the Capitol dealing with their own things.
I have no idea what's happening to Katniss since the mishap in the execution. I was shocked when I first saw the arrow fly and bury itself in Coin's chest. But I can't say that I'm upset or saddened by her death. I never really liked her. Plus my heart is reserved for someone else.
I'm the last one to leave the train and by the time we arrive in District Four, the sun is already beginning to set. When the train pulls to a stop, I take a shaky breath and stand up. I can see the waves lapping against the white sand and the palm trees swaying in the breeze. It's been months since I've been home, but I almost don't miss it.
Climbing down the steps reminds me all too much of the day I arrived home from the games. Except then Finnick and Mags were behind me, and now I'm all alone. There isn't a cheering crowd to welcome me back. Only Dad and Luke with sad smiles and pained expressions. They envelop me in a hug much like that day long ago, and we all hold each other tightly. But this time mixed in with the tears of joy is a crushing sadness that our family will never be whole again.
I finally lean back from their embrace. I look up at Dad. It looks like he's aged twenty years. His wrinkles are deeper and there's a weariness in his eyes. Some of Luke's carefree happiness is gone, masked by the weight of a pain he should never have felt. There's a hard look in his expression taking away from the innocence he used to have.
"We'll be okay," Dad says.
I don't say anything. I just look up at the darkening sky where the first stars are starting to appear. Tears fall silently down my cheeks and I close my eyes.
I'm home, Finn.
**********************************
Ugh this is getting really sad to write. But it was fun getting to explore different emotions. While I was writing I heard this song called Hurts Like Hell by Fleurie. I thought it fit the chapter perfectly