(Tuesday 5:27 am)
Oysters.
As I lay there in the fetal position, my insides swirling and twirling, my mouth and my anus both vying for who could emit the smelliest liquid at the most inopportune moment, my mind kept going back to oysters.
~~
I had told Chef Simon that something didn't seem right with the oysters. Karl had signed for them on Sunday, but when I got to work on Monday and went in to the walk-in refrigerator to take some inventory, something just seemed off. It wasn't so much that they smelled, because of course they did, they're oysters, but they just didn't look right. Simon came with me into the walk-in to examine them and cracked open three shells at random. He smelled them first, then using an oyster knife shucked each oyster expertly one at a time. He ate one, I ate one and then he ate another one. They tasted fine.
He looked at me, "Karl isn't here, it's your call, what do you want to do?"
"I don't want to use them," I said. My gut was telling me that these oysters were bad, and I always listened to my gut.
He thought about it for a minute, then shook his head. "Use them, but if you find a bad one, shut it down and call me ok?"
"Yes Chef," I said, and we walked back into the main kitchen.
~~
I was pulled out of my homicidal reverie by my phone. It was Henry.
"Hey Sam, I just pulled up to the hospital, how are you feeling."
"Like I want to kill my boss."
"Take three sips for me, ok?"
I took three sips.
"You were muttering something about oysters, is that what you think caused this?"
I nodded, but then realized that he couldn't hear that and said, "yes, it was definitely the oysters."
"I looked some stuff up about oyster food poisoning and mostly it is self-limited, but sometimes it can be caused by a nasty bacterium called Vibrio vulnificans, so you need to tell me if you're feeling worse, ok?"
"Ok."
"How many times have you gone to the bathroom since I left?"
"Twice."
"Take two more sips."
I took two more sips.
"I should be home relatively early tonight, it's a clinic day for me, so maybe home by 5:30-6. Although, I'm stopping by the grocery store to pick some things up after work, so maybe 6:15. Sam, you still there?"
"Yes," I said, "I'm just tired. Thanks for your help this morning. That was really embarrassing for me and I appreciate that you weren't flustered."
"Do you know how many times I have been shit, peed, puked and bled on? Too many to count. At least it was your vomit. And Sam?"
"Yes?"
"Take two more sips."
I took two more sips.
"Ok hon, I gotta run, I'll call you soon. Bye."
"Bye."
I hung up the phone, clutching the metal bowl closer to me and returned to a restless half-sleep where I dreamt I was chasing Simon with an oyster knife.
(Tuesday 6:45 am)
The phone rang again and I picked it up but didn't say anything because I knew it was Blue Eyes.
"Hey, I don't have long, just wanted to remind you to take two sips... ok I gotta run. Two sips Sam!" he said, and then hung up.
I reached over to the water and took three sips just to show that I could.
(Tuesday 6:47 am)
My stomach turned over once and with every ounce of energy I could muster I stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet in time. As the remaining liquid in my body hastily decided which emergency exit to take, I thought only of Henry and how he had cared for me this morning. My eyes welled a little bit with tears, I thought mostly because of the puking but a little bit because it felt good to be cared for. I wiped away the welling tears, then farted loudly, another small pocket of fluid having decided to exit via the southerly route.
(Tuesday 10:37am)
The phone rang, and I tried to reach it in time, but it stopped after two rings. It was Henry, he had called and then hung up.
Hey Sam, I just called but you didn't answer and I gotta run, but I wanted to remind you to take two sips
I sat up in bed and didn't actually feel like death warmed over, so I did take two sips, and then two more sips. I decided that I probably needed to call the restaurant to let them know I wasn't coming in today. Surgeons may be able to go to work rain or shine, shit or vomit, but not Chefs. It was a big no-no to show up at a place of business if you were involuntarily expelling anything from any of the major orifices.
I decided I would call Karl first, but he didn't answer. I had Simon's number, but I had never called him before for something like this. I figured I had to talk to him anyway so I dialed his number. He picked up on the fourth ring and sounded a little bit like I felt.
"Hello," he croaked.
I'm not saying that I felt happy that he was likely as miserable as I was, but at least I knew he wouldn't give me shit for not coming in today.
"Hey Chef, it's Sam."
"You were right about the oysters Sam, I should have listened to you."
"Yes Chef," I said, giving him my standard response, no matter what he said, good, bad or ugly.
"Chef, I'm sick too and I can't come in and neither should you. I'm going to call Jeff so that he can call any patrons who may have been served the oysters last night to let them know and I will also call over to the health department. I also tried calling Karl, but couldn't reach him. Is he sick too?"
"No, he didn't eat any, I don't think, he might have been on the other line with our elk distributor though, he was looking into something for me."
"Chef, if I'm feeling better, I'd like to be able to return to work tomorrow."
"Let's play it by ear," he said, "oh God Sam I'm gonna be..." and then the line went dead.
I put my phone back on the bedside table and then took two more sips of water.
I just took SIX sips of water and I called in to work
Thanks for this morning
Do you think when we play darts bare it will be more or less fun than you having to scoop me out of a tub so that I can puke into a bowl and shit it a toilet simultaneously?
I took another two sips of water and then laid down to go back to sleep.
(Tuesday 12:57 pm)
I was in the bathroom when the phone rang, but this time I was actually going pee (hooray!) instead of puking or shitting. I hustled to the bedroom to answer it.
"Hey you," he said, his deep voice sounding particularly sexy via phone, and perhaps even more so now that I wasn't too tired or nauseous to appreciate it. "How you feeling?"
"Better, not back to normal but a little better. You'd be so proud of me I just peed for the first time today."
"Sam, that's awesome it means that you're not completely and totally dry, but you definitely need to drink some more."
"How're things going with you?" I asked, as I moved over to his bed to cuddle with his pillow, which smelled faintly of his aftershave.
"Things were a little hectic this morning, but I'm off to Trauma clinic now and that should be pretty low key."
"Thanks again for taking care of me and letting me stay at your place. I had to pull my bike over twice on the ride over so that I could puke, thank God I didn't get the shits while I was on my bike."
"You can puke and shit at my place any time you like."
"I called my work to let them know about the oysters and that I wasn't coming in."
"Yeah, what did they say?"
"Well, my head boss Simon is sick too and he basically said that he should've listened to me because I had been right about the oysters. Then he hung up on me because I think he started to shit himself," I said, laughing at our earlier conversation.
"I've gotta run, my clinic is about to start. I'm glad you're feeling better. I'll call again when I've got another few minutes, ok?"
"Ok"
"Sam?"
"Blue?"
"Two sips," he said, and he hung up.
(Tuesday 4:30 pm)
Things inside my gastrointestinal tract had been sort of rollercoastery all day – I'd feel fine for a few hours, and then spend 20 mins on the john, then I'd feel fine, and then run to the bathroom like I was Hussein Bolt. I was just starting to feel a little better when I the phone rang again.
"Hey sexy," I said.
"Sam? This is Chef Karl, is this Sam?"
I inhaled deeply through my noise, wishing that I could flush the last five seconds into the toilet along with my shit and vomit.
"Sorry Chef, I thought you were my boyfriend," I eeked out, hoping that that would mollify him.
"I didn't know you had a boyfriend Sam, that was quick. I mean, that's great, I'm glad you're, uh..." he stammered, Karl wasn't particularly known for his social skills. Personally, I thought that he was probably on the spectrum, one of my older brothers was and they had very similar manners and behaviorisms.
"I called because I heard that both you and Chef Simon are sick and that it was likely the oysters that I signed for on Sunday."
"Yes, Chef," I said.
"Simon told me that you didn't want to use them but that he made you use them anyway."
"Yes Chef, we both tasted them, and they seemed to be ok, I guess we were wrong."
"No, Simon was wrong, and you were right."
"Yes, Chef," I said.
"So you're out for today, is that right?"
"Yes, Chef."
"Will you be back tomorrow?"
"Yes, Chef."
"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow. And Sam?"
"Yes, Chef?"
"We can switch to your cherry sauce, it's fine."
"Yes, Chef," and we both hung up. I didn't know Karl very well, but I think that was the closest I was ever going to get to an "Atta Girl" and so I took it.
(Tuesday 5:37 pm)
I was in the kitchen making myself some tea when the phone rang again in my pocket. This time, I looked to see who it was before picking it up.
"Hey Sexy Blue," I said, as I picked up my tea and walked over to the couch to curl up with his Nana's blanket.
"Hey Sexy Sam," he said, his voice sounding even deeper than it had earlier, no doubt because he had been talking with patients all day.
"I'm drinking tea and cuddling with your Nana-Dick blanket."
"I'll let her know that you call it that, she'll think that's cute. How are you feeling?"
"Sort of dizzy when I first stand up, but it goes away after a minute or two. I've been really good with the fluids though, I even peed two more times."
"If you're getting dizzy it still means your volume is down, but I got some stuff for that, we're going to fix you up real good when I get home."
"I'm looking forward to it. I don't think I can play darts though," I said, taking a sip of the hot tea.
"I know hon, I didn't think we would."
"We can be naked though," I offered.
"Uh, I don't think that I can be in front of a naked Sam and not try to get a few bull's eyes. What we are for sure going to do is take out your stitches, since they've been in for two weeks."
"I went through all your stuff today, I know all your secrets."
"Oh yeah, what did you discover about me?"
"Well, you either shop at oldbandtshirts.com or you used to go to a lot of live music. I wanted to put on something that didn't smell like the kitchen at work, so I grabbed one of your T-shirts, I hope that's ok."
"Which one did you pick?" he said, his voice seeming to drop an octave lower, if that was even possible.
"You know, I'm not sure. It's got this blue cross on it with squiggly lines in the middle that kind of look like a fertility goddess. It's really comfy though."
"That's Pearl Jam from their 2006 Tour. I saw them in DC with some buddies in college, we drove up from Durham for that concern, it was epic. I bet you look amazing in it."
"I'm sorry that I ruined our hour together this morning, that was a real shitty thing of me to do."
"Don't forget vomity," he said, "it was shitty and vomity."
We both laughed.
"Hon, I want to keep talking with you but I'm at the grocery store now and I just need to run in and grab a few things and then I'll be home really soon, ok?"
"K. Bye Boyfriend Henry."
He groaned just a little when I said that, and sounding just like Roman Mars he said, "See you soon Girlfriend Sam."