Hello, fellow fanders!
Sorry this is out late, my mother took away my stuff. -_- This entire chapter is a bit of a mess, I'm very sorry. I myself don't have a panic disorder or PTSD so I apologise in advance for any inaccuracies about how flashbacks work. Please be mindful of the warnings, if you can't read it I will place a small summary at the bottom of the chapter. Stay safe buddies!
WARNINGS : Panic attacks, yelling, flashbacks (PTSD), implied abusive household/parent, implied physical abuse, implied body dismorphia, implied child abuse, implied self harm, alcohol/ic parent, self blame, OCD, impulsive tapping/counting, seperational anxiety, irrational worries about family members, please tell me if I missed any.
ALSO I WAS IN A RUSH SORRY IF IT DOESN'T FLOW TOO WELL.
...............
Virgil glanced at the time in the corner of his screen for the umpteenth time that evening. He could've sworn more time had gone by, but it was only twenty minutes past seven.
He'd been feeling kind of on edge all day (his raw nail beds only driving his point home), and Logan's impromptu visit to Conva certainly hadn't helped anything.
He'd always hated not knowing where people were. It had started fairly young, even before his mother started to go off. He'd been possessive of his few friends in a quiet but alarming way, and not knowing where his parents were during preschool and daycare were the worst hours of his life.
Virgil knew that the majority of children cried when they missed their parents, but for him it was always slightly different.
Were they coming soon? What if something bad happened to him and he never saw them again? Were they alright? Such queries would plague the mind of little Virgil until tears welled up in his eyes. Teachers were always at a loss for what to do because how do you reassure a small child who'd only take physical substance as proof?
He'd long grown out of that habit; he'd had to once he was moved into the system. But every now and again it would resurface when he was having a strange day. Like now, as he checked the time every five minutes, waiting for Logan to appear.
Virgil knew he was just visiting somebody (he thought her name was Jas or something), and he could very well handle himself, but worry still itched under his skin.
He sighed and set down his phone, taking to staring out the window instead. It was getting steadily colder and the sun had begun sinking at around 4PM, so there honestly wasn't much to see. Just the usual sight of tree branches scraping against window sills in an eerie dance that made Virgil shiver. The light from the old-fashioned street lamps illuminated the courtyard nicely and the various shrubbery cast flickering shadows onto the pavement.
Cool asthetic.
A click echoed through the room and Virgil's heart jumped before relaxing once it realised it was Logan.
"Hey. You're back late." Logan offered little in way of a response, instead just mumbling and shrugging off his jacket. Virgil's throat closed up slightly.
Logan tugged his scarf off sharply, before folding it three times and setting it neatly in his closet. His fingers tapped a pattern against his thigh, and Virgil frowned. He didn't seem all that good...
"Logan, are you sure you're good?"
"I'm perfectly fine, Virgil."
His tone made Virgil's jaw snap shut, the tightness spreading further down into his chest. Logan said his name like it was filth, all too similar to how his mother sounded. It was dumb, he knew it was dumb, but it didn't matter, because apparantly his fucking body did not.
It took a few more minutes of obsessive tapping to make Virgil's nerves curl tighter, and he found himself bouncing his leg nervously. Logan was sitting at his table, staring at his homework with what could only be considered anger.
Virgil glanced at the paper quickly. Math. Stuff Logan had tutored Virgil in. He knew this, he had no reason to be mad.
Maybe you're making him mad.
Shut up.
Virgil's leg bouncing only grew more frequent, eventually becoming more noticeable than Logan's pen tapping. Logan shot him an irritated look, and Virgil meekly dragged his foot up underneath himself.
Logan needed quiet. All Virgil had to do was stay quiet.
Stay quiet stay quiet stay hidden-
He swallowed, his fingers wrapping around his wrist. He found himself staring at the space between them, the flesh that protruded around the pressure, his inability to fit them clean across. Suddenly there was just too much of him, all of it buzzing unbearably, his body was too much.
Virgil turned his attention back to Logan, who was now straightening his homework against the side of his desk, placing his pencil precisely between his fingers, tapping in multiples of three and five.
Virgil bit down on his lip, but his leg wouldn't stop shaking. He kept trembling, hyper aware of every movement Logan was making. Every flicker of his eyes, the steady pace of his pen, he irritable sigh that fell from his mouth-
He's mad at you.
Virgil's leg just wouldn't stop bouncing-
What did you do this time?
He couldn't breathe. He needed to breathe. The bedsprings started to creak under the force of his leg.
What did you do, Virgil?!
Logan's pen came down hard on the desk and his head whipped around to glare at Virgil.
"For fucks sake, Virgil, could you just shut the fuck up?
Virgil winced, his teeth coming down on his bottom lip. Hands wrapped around his throat, a ring digging into his skin-
"Virgil?"
He couldn't breathe, he couldn't breathe - did he need to breathe?
"Virgil, are you listening to me?"
Virgil could faintly register Logan moving around in his vision, but it was hardly there. Something warm touched his hands and he drew them away. Close was safe, small was safe, not here was safe.
Shards of glass and hands fisting into blonde hair filled Virgil's mind; the smell of alcohol, vomit, something that reminded Virgil of hospital.
"Virgil please just exhale, breath out-" But he needed to breathe. He wasn't breathing.
Blue flashed in his vision, something about the colour didn't sit right with Virgil. Blue turned into little black dresses, blonde hair, blinding smiles.
"Virgil, can you hear me?"
He could. He could but he couldn't speak. There was something around his throat. Why the hell was he thinking of this now? It was irrelevant.
"Virgil nod if you can hear me." Logan was mad at him.
Virgil nodded anyway.
"Virgil can I touch you?"
Virgil shook his head. It was just Logan, it was fine. He wouldn't be helping him if he was mad, right? Logan hardly ever got mad.
But he had been just now. He screamed.
"Virgil I'm not mad at you, I promise. I need you to focus on your breathing." It's really off. No surprises there.
Virgil hated panic attacks. He always seemed to slip further and further but occasionally his brain would return to logic, let him witness the mess that was his body. Trembling limbs, no tears but instead a mouth that was bolted shut and a brain the refused to listen.
Disgusting.
Virgil breathed in. He breathed out. It wasn't slowing. He couldn't slow it. He couldn't breathe.
God he was going crazy.
He squeezed his eyes shut; the one less sensation helping a little bit. He was okay. Logan was here. But his fucking body didn't seem to agree with him at all.
There was something touching his wrists.
The little progress he'd made instantly retreated, and he drew his wrists back quickly. His eyes snapped open to see olive wrists swamped by baby blue fabric. Freckles, round glasses and dirty blonde hair. Somewhere his tired brain made the connection.
Patton.
"Virgil, can you hear me? I'm sorry for touching you." Virgil nodded, the knot in his throat loosening as the scent of cinnamon filled his nose. It was nice, but he still couldn't breathe.
"You're doing great, Virge. We're gonna try and slow your breathing down, okay? Don't worry, you'll get there." His tone was gentle and commanding, none of the worry that Logan's had held was present. Virgil was grateful.
He drew in a shuddering breath and Patton whispered encouragement. It took a while but eventually it calmed down a bit.
"Virgil, is it okay if I touch you?" He nodded and Patton's hands found his, gently unwrapping Virgil's fingers from his wrist. He placed Virgil's hand on his chest, before saying "Just follow my breathing, alright?" he inhaled exaggeratedly, allowing Virgil to focus on the sensation of his chest instead of the sound of Patton's voice. He still counted along but the sounds were meaningless to Virgil's mind.
In
Out.
His breathing was back to normal and Virgil realised that Patton had joined him on the bed. He couldn't recall when. Virgil's entire body was exhausted, and the entire attack was just a blur of bad memories and blue eyes. He looked at Logan's desk, where his homework had been abandoned.
"What time is it?" he slurred, black swimming at the edges of his vision.
"Around eight." Patton replied, rubbing Virgil's back in an unfamiliar repetitive motion. It was calming. Virgil liked it.
"You should get some sleep, okay?" Virgil nodded, slumping back against his mattress. Usually he'd be concerned about appearing so weak to somebody, but he honestly didn't have the energy to right now. It was Patton anyway.
"Where's Logan?"he asked.
"He's with Ro." Patton replied shortly. "He's not mad or anything."
"No, but is he okay?"
Patton looked at him strangely.
"He's fine, Virgil. Don't worry. You sleep, I'm gonna spend the night here, okay?"
"But what about your-"
"Don't worry about it."
Virgil's world faded to black.
.............
Patton sighed as Virgil's eyes finally closed and allowed his face to fall.
He knew it was wrong but he kinda felt exhausted by the attack too. Logan had texted him and Roman at around half past seven saying that he'd caused Virgil to have a panic attack and that he didn't know how to calm him. They'd come over as fast as they could and saw Virgil on the bed shaking while Logan tried his best to get through to him.
It clearly wasn't working.
Logan himself seemed on the edge of an anxiety attack, actually. He was biting his nails and staring at Virgil with a panic in his eyes that Patton had never seen before on the boy.
"What happened to him?" asked Roman, his eyes widening. Logan stepped back and glanced at them.
"I-I was in kind of a bad mood and everything just kept getting on my nerves and nothing felt right and so I raised my voice at Virgil without meaning to and I know that he's not good with loud noises but I still did it and I-"
"Logan, you need to calm down a little, okay?" said Patton, interjecting. "I know this is hard, but panicking isn't going to make it better, alright? I'm gonna see if I can help Virgil, alright? Don't beat yourself up over it, I promise he'll be fine.
"How about you and Roman head out for a bit, okay? He's gonna feel really tired after this, so I'll probably stay the night. You can room with Ro. Do you think you could bring a few of my things over?"
Roman nodded, before directing a still panicked Logan out of the room.
"Wait, what about your roommate?"
"They've basically moved into Patton's dorm and Pat's moved into mine. Don't worry about it, you'll be okay."
........
Summary : Okie dokie so basically Logan gets back from visiting that one girl and he's in a pretty crappy mood, and he's on edge which makes Virgil nervous and somewhere Logan yells at Virgil. He's been feeling on edge all day and so that kinda gets Virgil to spiral. Logan's freaking out too and so he gets Pattno in here to help virgil and he and Roman leave cause he doesn't thing that him being around Virgil right now is gonna help anything. Soooo, yeah.