When I wake up, I immediately notice that I'm snuggled up to Spencer's side, my arm draped over him and my head on his chest.
I scoot away from him and his eyes follow me as I move back over to my side of the bed.
"Sorry," I say, feeling my cheeks heat up.
Spencer shakes his head. "You've always done that— cuddling up to me in your sleep. I didn't want to wake you up because you were sleeping so well."
I was. This is the first night in a long time that I've gotten a good night's sleep.
I lay across from him, looking back at his ever-tired, brown eyes.
This feels right— laying here with him.
I told him I still loved him last night, after he fell asleep. I can't tell him to his face because I'm still kind of scared to restart everything— even though I really want to.
I can get over the nanny. I can forgive him for that because I truly believe that he wouldn't do it again. It was a weird set of circumstances.
And I know he loves me. I can tell just how much he loves me.
Maybe that's why me being gone was so hard on him.
With Maeve's death, he was left to dwell on what could have been with her. The future he planned out was wiped away instantaneously.
With me... he had a taste of a life together. He'd gotten the almost-wife, the house, the kids. He had it all, with all of it looking to get better and better each day. He got moments with me that he didn't get with Maeve.
I think losing me broke him into pieces.
Especially with how it almost ended. What he said to me before I left that day.
How cruel would it be to not forgive him? Should I have expected him to spend his entire life waiting for me? Clinging onto memories with a lifeless partner in the hospital?
"It's... almost nine o'clock. I'm gonna start us some breakfast. How do waffles sound?" Spencer asks softly, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I nod at him. "That sounds good."
I watch as he gets up and heads toward the door. If everything was normal, he'd give me a kiss before leaving the room. Or he'd pull me out of bed and we'd both be laughing. Maybe he would pick me up and carry me down the stairs.
I want him back. I want to be with him.
I just wish I knew it would be okay— that we could work through everything and come back stronger than we ever were.
I wish the universe would give me a sign of some sort.
Anything to ease my mind. To let me know that going back to him is the right thing to do.
"Oh," He stops in the doorway and turns around. "Chocolate chips or blueberries?"
I can't help but to smile. "Surprise me."
He just smiles back at me before heading out of the room.
I get up out of bed once he leaves and head for my closet to get dressed.
I don't think about my outfit all too much, just grab something that I've probably worn a million times. White cropped shirt with the rainbow pleated skirt that I sewed together myself. After putting on some light makeup and making my hair look decent, I head downstairs.
Just as I'm heading into the kitchen, Spencer turns the corner and crashes into me. Hot liquid burns my chest. His coffee.
I let out a low hiss and pat at my chest. "Shit, that's hot!"
"Oh, Al, I'm sorry!" He says quickly, running back into the kitchen and grabbing a hand towel. "Here, you..."
His words fall off and he stares at me in the exact same way I'm staring at him. Disbelief.
"What?"
"This... this is exactly what you wore the day we met," He says, looking me up and down.
Oh, my god. It is.
Even down to the coffee.
It feels like a lifetime ago. So much has happened since then.
I miss him. So bad.
I don't want to do this stupid roommates and co-parents only thing anymore. I'm sick of it. I just want him back. I want everything to go back to the way it was.
I feel my eyes filling up with tears— which Spencer notices right away.
"Allie?" He asks softly. "What's wrong?"
I take a step forward and wrap my arms around him. "I miss you." I tell him quietly, tears now running down my cheeks.
He returns the embrace and rests one of his hands on the back of my head. "I miss you, too."
I don't say anything, just melt into his arms.
"I'm sorry," I cry into his shoulder. "I've given you so much shit over the nanny thing and... even before that I just... I never could let anything go, I overdramatize everything and—"
"You have every right to be upset over it, Allie," He assures me.
"Do I?" I pull back and wipe my face. "Is it really even cheating if I was pretty much dead? I mean, if I stayed like that for years, you'd have to move on."
He shakes his head. "I would wait for you until the day I die. I still will, Alexandria. You're the love of my life, you really are. You're the one that I want to live my life with and... I'll settle for whatever this friends and parents situation is... just as long as I get to be around you."
Running a hand through his hair, he seems to blink back tears. "I know... it sounds weird that I say that now, that I... didn't follow through with it before, I just..."
"Spence," I cut him off. "You don't have to dissect it for me. I understand. I forgive you. It was a situation we never should have been in..."
"Still..." He sighs.
I'm quiet for a second, looking up at him with tears still in my eyes. "So, what do we do?"
"What do you want to do?" He runs his hands all the way down my arms, taking my hands into his once he reaches them. "It's all up to you, Allie."
It feels like the weight of the world is sitting on my shoulders.
I know what I want.
I want him.
I want us.
I want to make things work.
Would I be an idiot for going back to him?
He pulls me out of my thoughts by speaking up once again. "I'm sorry. For everything. I know that a lot of our falling-outs have been because of me. From the beginning, I just wasn't emotionally available and... it took me a long time to break out of that. I put you through so much even after that. I'm so sorry."
"I'm sorry, too." I tell him. "I put you through hell, too. A lot of those falling-outs could have been solved if I just... didn't run away. If I talked it out."
Spencer squeezes my hands, looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to tell him what I want.
I take a deep breath and step forward to press a kiss to his cheek.
"What does that mean?"
With my lips only an inch from his skin, I tell him. "It means that I want to be with you."
He lets go of my hands and I take a step back so that I can see his face. He looks like he can't believe it. There's tears in his eyes.
"Really?" He asks quietly.
"Really," I tell him with a small smile.
Spencer takes a step forward and brings his hands to my face, leaning in to kiss me. When his lips hit mine, it feels so right.
He pulls away for a second, looking at me. "You know that I love you so much, right?"
I nod at him, still smiling. "I know. I love you, too."
He brings his lips back to mine, almost immediately deepening it and kissing me with more desperation than I've ever felt in a kiss from him.
He crouches slightly and catches the backs of my thighs, lifting me up. I can't help but to giggle, breaking the kiss, and wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He spins me around before setting me on the counter.
I give him a kiss on the cheek and play with the curls at the base of his neck. "Do you mind if we just... take it slow? I think I just want to talk things out and... get back on the same page before we jump back together."
"Of course," Spencer nods. "Is there anything you wanted to talk about now?"
I feel my stomach twist and turn, remembering some things that he said.
When everything was dark. Amongst the one-sided conversations that I couldn't reply to, the reading of books...
He'd told me about what happened with Cat that day. What they'd talked about while at the roller rink.
I think it needs to wait.
Right now, we can focus on breakfast. We can focus on being happy.
I shake my head at him and give him a shy smile. "No, let's just make those waffles."
-
The day goes smoothly. After Spencer gets Winter and Joshua to bed, I hear a light knock at my bedroom door. I look up from my laptop to see that Spencer stands in the doorway, tucking his hands in his pockets.
"Hi," I say, waving for him to come in. "Thank you for getting them to bed."
Making his way over to the bed and sitting down beside me, he shakes his head and shrugs, a slight grin on his face. "They go down easier for me. Maybe it's because I'm boring."
A laugh leaves my lips before I gently smack him on the arm. "You're not boring!"
Spencer laughs but his smile fades as the room goes quiet. Staring at his lap, he speaks quietly to me. "I know we're taking things slow, but would it be okay if I slept with you again tonight? And maybe cuddled?"
I feel my cheeks heat up a little bit and close my laptop. "Yeah! Yeah, sure..." I set it in the drawer of my nightstand before crawling under the blankets and gesturing for Spencer to do the same.
He runs to turn the lights off before coming back and crawling into bed with me, snuggling up beside me and pulling me into an embrace.
"Is there anything you want to talk about? You looked like you did earlier, but I think you held back." Spencer says, pressing a kiss to the top of my head.
My breath catches in my throat for a second before he brushes his nose against mine and speaks up again.
"What's bothering you, Al?"
I let out a deep breath. "Do you promise to tell me the truth? Even if it's hurtful or ugly?"
"Of course," Spencer replies right away, not even stopping to think before agreeing. "What do you want to know?"
How am I even supposed to say this?
"While I was in the hospital, you would read to me and talk to me when you came to visit," I start, closing my eyes. "Do you remember telling me about the day with Cat?"
I remember it so vividly. My brain was painting pictures for me as he recalled everything, telling it word for word like he was reading a film script.
"You told me everything that was said. Word for word. I just... well, you said that you felt obligated to propose to me," I tell him softly.
I feel a hand on my face. "Allie..."
"Was it always like that? Did you always just feel obligated?" I open my eyes to look at him as he sits up in the bed and turns on the lamp on the nightstand.
"For a little bit, yes, just after you came back. I wanted to protect you, Al, but... as we started to get back to being us I knew that I wanted it. It wasn't because I felt obligated anymore, it was because I loved you and wanted to be with you."
I just look up at him, tears in my eyes.
"There was always that part of me that envisioned all of this with you. The house, the kids... of course, I was hoping the marriage would be first." He looks at me with sad brown eyes. "Come here, you..." He says, patting his lap.
I move over to lay my head in his lap and he looks down at me with a sad smile, running his fingers through my hair.
"You are the best thing to ever happen to me, Allie. I've never felt like this about anyone. I love you so much, all I want is to be with you."
I sit up to wrap my arms around him and press a kiss to his cheek, then one quick one to his lips. I pull back for a second to look at him before going in for a longer kiss, holding his face in my hands.
His hands stay planted on my arms, for the most part. He's careful not to move-- he doesn't want to overstep, but I feel them leave for a few seconds as if he's debating whether or not to put them somewhere else.
I deepen the kiss and take his hands into mine, moving them to my hips as I get onto his lap. I chuckle and pull out of the kiss when I feel how hard he is.
"Spence?" I smile, slowly grinding against him.
He grips my hips tighter, a quiet moan falling off of his lips. "I'm sorry-- the kissing--" He tries to explain.
I can feel my confidence going through the roof. I laugh and shake my head. "Don't apologize," I tell him before bringing my lips back to his.
After a few seconds, I hop off of him and the bed.
"Where are you going?" He asks, confused.
"Nowhere," I reassure him, slowly undoing the buttons of my pajama shirt.
"Oh, my god..." Spencer says almost under his breath. He looks back at me with his mouth slightly agape as I let my shirt drop to the floor.
I'm about to push my shorts down when he sits up and reaches over, hooking them with two fingers and pulling me back toward the bed. "Get back over here."
I lift one knee onto the bed before he gently pushes me down so I'm laying flat, crawling on top of me with a grin.
His lips find mine once again— but the kiss is short-lived. He moves them to my neck- kissing, biting, sucking... hard.
All the while his hand creeps into the front of my underwear.
It's familiar. The way he moves. The shape of his body.
With every little movement, I'm reeling.
His lips move from my neck and make their way down my body as he pushes my underwear down and off.
I missed this. The way he almost cherishes every inch of me. Pays attention to every response I make, whether it's my body moving or a small gasp.
In what feels like no time, we're both laying on the bed. Holding onto each other. Wrapped in the blanket, limbs intertwined with each other like tree roots.
Spencer's fingers comb through my hair and he gives me little kisses on the forehead every now and again.
The silence is comfortable for the first time in a long time.
"I never realized how different it is," I say quietly, thinking out loud.
I feel Spencer shift. "Different what is?" He asks.
"Sex," I sigh, sitting up to look down at him. I run my hand up his tummy. "It's different when you're in love with the person you're having sex with."
He nods in agreement. "It is. It's so much different."
Silence takes over again. My mind wanders, thinking about the day. About everything that has happened.
"So, how do we do this? I don't think we can really just... pick up where we left off." I tell him truthfully.
A hand runs through his brown curls as he blows out a small sigh. "It's going to be hard work, I think, to get back to where we were. I think that couple's therapy would be beneficial."
"Couple's therapy," My heart sinks a little at the idea.
Spencer sits up. "Hey, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I think that it will be helpful in teaching us to communicate more effectively, help us understand each other's feelings." He rests a hand on my leg. "I think it will be a good thing, Allie. There's a lot that we need to work through. I think it will make us closer."
I nod, keeping my eyes on his hand. "Okay. Let's do it."
I feel him kiss the top of my head. "Let's do it."