TW: mention of self harm
- Olivia -
"We haven't seen a lot of you these last two months Liv, avoiding us now" Blaise swung an arm over my shoulder as I placed my book down onto my lap. He's right I have been distancing myself from the group in a way, this years classes are kicking my ass so I have been studying more. Diggory has also been more helpful in more than one way, since he's a year above he's touring me and I pay him back in ways that honestly benefit both of us.
A small part of it was Draco, since he admitted to wanting to be with Astoria forever I hadn't really been keen on seeing him. It hurt to hear those words but there's nothing I could do, so for my sake I just pushed away a little.
I still hung out with them and ate meals next to them but in smaller doses. Pansy was different of course, the night I was crying she woke up and cuddled me back to health muttering sweet nothingness in my ear and making me laugh. I don't know what I would do without her.
The common room was not that busy tonight seeing as it was a Friday night, I looked at the clock seeing it was an hour or two away from curfew everyone must be out doing something fun. And here I was with a book, I've lost my touch.
"Hardly, classes this year are just kicking my ass and can't let my grades slip" I smiled over at the dark skinned boy, some dark black hair blocked my view I looked up to see Pansy sitting on his lap stretching her legs across the both of us.
"Speak for yourself I see her every night"
"Yeah she probably gets more action then me" Blaise rolled his eyes I chuckled bringing my hand up to rub his cheek teasingly "Of course I do, and don't expect anything different" Pansy giggled but it was soon drowned out by the sound of the stone wall moving.
"Theres the princess" Blaise smirked looking behind me, I turned to see Draco standing there giving him a sarcastic annoyed look while walking over.
"What are you guys going to have a threesome or something"
"That could be arranged" Blaise snickered but stopped once Pansy hit his chest pouting "I don't share sorry love" she kissed his cheek as his face grew annoyed.
"So Liv hows-" Draco started but was cut off by a squeal, next thing I knew Astoria was jumping onto his lap excitedly. She straddled his lap as his hands wrapped around her waist and hers around his neck holding a paper.
"I did it- I passed!"
"I told you that you would" his smile grew as he pulled her down for a kiss that turned into a mini make-out session. I rolled my eyes adverting them over to Pansy who gave me an apologetic smile, I mouthed ' I'm fine ' giving a smile. I wasn't fine but if I could show that I was maybe it would become real.
"Got all of them right" she showed him the paper, Blaise cleared his throat making them look over at us. Her eyes seemed confused at first but them she started to blush looking down sheepishly "Oh- hey guys" Draco chuckled at her shyness.
"I was thinking maybe you guys would want to join our threesome" her mouth dropped making me hold back my laughter, she looked scared almost. "Ignore them, the only threesome happening is in his dreams."
The common room opened again but the cackle that made me want to crawl in a hole and never come out rang over us. Pansy scoffed pretending to be more interested in her already perfect nails.
"Oh look who it is Milli"
"Hey Daph" her little sister smiled sitting on Draco's lap, nothing was said back as her smile faded. "Have you been eating Liv?" she stopped behind the couches, I rolled my eyes before looking back at the two ugly sisters. They're not related but I like to call them that.
"Cause if you have I suggest you slow down, look's like you gained a few" I felt Pansy grip my hand in comfort. "I don't know why you care so much but since you do the only thing I could do is help you back-" I twisted so my hands were on the back of the couch, I rested my head on top of my hands giving her a pouting look.
"You could use something to eat, don't want you looking like as thin as a wand but on the other hand maybe then you could conjure up actual good insults if you want to hurt my feelings" her face dropped, I just smiled turning back around.
Pansy and Blaise were covering their mouth so their laughs would spill out.
Astoria got up from Draco's lap standing in front of us "You can't talk to my sister like that you fucking cow" who the fuck was she calling a cow, I understood why her sister would bully me for my weight and appearance. Well I didn't but who did she think she was.
I giggled standing up making Pansy's legs slid off, "See little greengrass I can, now why don't you stay out of my business and go off to fuck Draco in his dorm before your feeling get hurt" my inner bitch was coming out. I already didn't like these people and they were just making it easier for me to snap.
"Don't you dare-" Draco was now standing behind her, how cute defending her and all.
I pointed my finger at him narrowing my eyes "Sit your ass down ferret" I pointed to the chair in one motion. I turned to look at Daphne and Millicent their faces seething with anger that I wasn't all hurt by them.
"Now are we done here?"
No one said a word "Great i'm off now" I winked at Pansy as her face held a proud smirk that I just did that. I already wasn't in the mood after seeing Draco and Astoria eat each others faces off.
"You're a fucking bitch" Draco called out as I was walking away "Right back at you" I gave him a middle finger as I kept walking not looking back.
"Hey Windfront-" I grabbed Diggory's hand not muttering a word as I dragged him from the wall over to the astronomy tower. "whoa! someones eager" he chuckled lacing our finger together as I stormed up the stairs.
"Shut up, not now Diggory"
Once we made it to the top I let go of him rushing over to the balcony letting out a long breath, I felt him come up next to me "What's wrong" the next breath I let out was shakey. "Everything."
I could feel the tears pool up, why did I even bring him up here. I didn't want to cry about my problem to him, I didn't want to cry in front of him at all.
"I know we just hook up but if you do need to talk i'm here"
I slowly nodded my head closing my eyes to push the tears away,"Do you want to talk about it?-" I looked over at him as he smirked down at me in a playful way "You know everything" we both chuckled as I felt my tears come back.
"Yeah, I really would" my breath came out but with some tears, I wiped them away with my sleeve.
We spent the next hour sitting under the stars, I vented to him about almost everything. Mainly on Daph and Milli and how they used to and still kind of bully me. It hurt, their words, anything they said hurt. It's tiring putting up an act so I didn't seem weak even though i've already showed that last year.
I was just physically and mentally drained from everything last year and mainly family things. Their constant comments on my body were no help, I just wanted things to stop. I couldn't take it anymore, from anything. I boxed myself out and I was ready to let myself die in the bathroom that day.
But Pansy found me, made Blaise run me to the hospital wing to save me. It was selfish of me to do that to them, but in that time, moment it was all I could do. Traumatized both of them to find me and really hurt Theo but Draco I wasn't and still not sure.
My eyes felt like they were on fire for how much I was crying. But it felt good to just let it out to someone who didn't really know me. "I just don't know what's wrong with me, I think I look fine and normal but then they make some shit remark and it's like it's imprinted in my brain and that's how I think now."
"It's what that's supposed to do, it's supposed to get in your head but not cause it's true. It's cause they are bored and want to fuck with you but you can't let them" he pulled me into a hug which surprised me, I hesitantly hugged him back. He felt warm and safe almost.
"I know but it's so hard to not let it get to me"
"I know it is"
"You fancy Malfoy don't you" he said out of the blue, I moved my head from his chest to look up at him. I was shocked at his comment first but then a wave of tiredness came over me, I was done pushing everything down and letting it eat me away. At least for right now I could let go.
"I think so, i'm not sure. I don't want to marry him and shit but being with him doesn't seem to bad-" I bit my lip not wanting to cry more than I already have.
"But he's in love with Little greengrass" I added.
"Yeah that will pass i'm-"
"No it won't, it'a been a year now and he told me he wanted or still want's to marry her"
"Oh um i'm sorry" he wasn't being so bad right now, I liked this Diggory, not trying to be tough and shit just being there. Here, for me in a way.
"It's fine, let's talk about something else" I smiled all my energy taken away from the tears.
/*
I blinked my eyes open, my neck was killing me and my back was aching. I felt a hard stone wall behind me and I realized I was sitting up. I looked over to see Cedric sleeping and his hand was on my thigh, we must have fallen asleep.
It was bright and the sun was shinning right on us, I nudged his arm. He snapped wake making me giggle as he wiped the sleep away looking around. He stated the obvious "We must have fallen asleep" I nodded.
I stretched standing up he did the same. "Thank you" he looked at me confused "for letting me just let it all out last night, it felt really good" he smirked grabbing me hand to head down the stairs.
"Anytime, really though"
We went our separate ways I headed to the common room and he went, i'm not sure. "Goblins Jewel" the stone wall moved and right when I walked through the passage a voice started to yell.
"Where the hell have you been" I saw Pansy, Blaise, Theo, and an annoyed Draco sitting there. My smile flattened as I looked over at them, not in a bad way more confused.
"sorry what?-"
"You never came back last night I- we looked everywhere" Pansy snapped grabbing both my shoulder with a frantic look on her face. I looked to the side of her "We were really worried Liv" Theo said with a distant face.
"After everything that happened and was said I thought- I didn't know what to thought but I couldn't find you" she breathed out, she or they thought I would hurt myself. Maybe I would have, maybe that's why I grabbed Diggory without a thought.
"She wouldn't shut up about you, quite annoying none of us slept" Draco glared at me, I let a small smile cover my face. My hands found her upper arms just like hers "I'm fine, really I just fell asleep in the astronomy tower" I walked out if her grip over to the couch sitting down next to Theo.
"Why where you up there?" Blaise's voice sounded worried, did they really think I would jump? After anything bad would happen after my attempt they would make sure everything was okay and that I wouldn't do it again. I get that they are scared I would but it doesn't help when they act like this.
"I was just talking with Diggory-" Draco scoffed making all our eyes go to him as he crossed his arms. "Talking? you sure, cause you can't talk with a dick in your mouth."
I rolled my eyes "Yes just talking, quite nice actually. Plus why do you care if I did blow him, which I didn't" he shook his head with raised eyebrows "I don't care, I just want to make sure you're not getting to filthy since you do have to come to my home over the holidays wouldn't want you to leave it there."
"And what you and the little fifth year do doesn't make you filthy?" He wasn't going to slut shame me.
He didn't say anything just kept his glare strong, I knew I was right and so did he. I wasn't filthy, plus Diggory was the only one I was sleeping with so no filth in there. But I felt filthy when he called me that, I hated how words hit me hard even though they are just words and don't matter. In a way they do, so much. More than needed sometimes.
"I'm going to my dorm, being this filthy is tiring you know" I ignored to protest from the other three as I walked to the girl dormitory stairs. Once I turned to corner I stopped taking a deep breath.
I wasn't filthy.
I wasn't filthy.
I was filthy.
Filthy.
I'm filthy.
"Good job Draco" I heard Blaise snap.
"What? I can't say the truth anymore?"
"Your a dick you know" I heard the common room door open and close, either someone left or come in. It was quite so I assumed it was left, I turned to keep going but then I heard it "There's my handsome boyfriend"