Chapter 24
"So, Cas-" Dean started.
"Farrah believed him," he said quietly.
"What?"
"Crowley. Farrah believed him when he said she was a monster." He looked up from the floor.
"I don't think she-"
"You were behind her. You didn't see her face. I did. She believed him, completely. Farrah thinks herself a freak."
The boys glanced at each other, and Sam said, "Well we didn't really help."
"Why didn't you? Why did you let her think she was abnormal? That she was more demon than anything else?"
"Look, Cas," Dean started, but then realized he didn't have anything to say.
"You are her father. How could you let her think she was no better than the things you kill?"
The brothers stared at him for a while before Cas dropped the stare and turned his back on them. "Other than a soul," Dean said, "and the fact that there's no known way to kill her, there really isn't difference."
Cas spun on his heel and pushed Dean back against the wall angrily to trap him there with his forearm. "What makes me different?" he asked. "I am an angel who has caused the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocent people! Millions of angels! What makes me any different than any other angel you've killed?"
"You regret what you've done," Dean said, unfazed by his aggressive behavior.
"Don't you think she does too? Only someone who knows that they've done wrong will even begin to consider the fact that they are abnormal, and she willingly believed, with minimum convincing, that she was a monster! Dean, tell me, are you any better than her?"
"I've killed monsters, not innocent people."
Castiel's eyes narrowed. "Some have been monsters. Some have had no choice. Some have been innocent! And yet you do not regret it."
"It's the job."
"Is that an excuse? Farrah feels regret for every demon, every angel, every human, and every monster she's killed. She regrets bringing leviathans back. She has been destroyed by you time and time again, yet she still maintains faith in you! Farrah is a better person than you will ever be."
With a jerk Cas released Dean and stepped back. "No true father acts as you have."
Then he was gone, and Sam looked at Dean. Staying silent, Dean just walked out.
~
Farrah grinned. "Thank you, Castiel."
She wasn't angry at Dean for what he said, or at Sam for his silence, but instead chose to be thankful for Cas defending her. After all, Dean was right, so she couldn't have any ill feelings for that.
She was sitting in Thomas' house, and since he was at work she hadn't had to talk to him yet. Honestly, she was planning to leave before then. She'd already wandered around his house and seen all the salt, demon traps, and iron laying around.
Two hours she spent in the house, just relaxing. The silence calmed her, made her feel safe like she hadn't felt since the day she left. She could just sit and think, not worry about anyone finding her or threatening her or handing out life-changing revelations.
Her demon parentage had always been something she didn't want to know about. She wasn't interested in it, not like she should've been. If she had, then maybe she wouldn't have come to tolerate Crowley.
But now that he had tortured Castiel, any good feeling inside her toward him was gone. She wanted him dead-and that terrified her. Was she truly the monster he made her out to be? Was she really meant to be the tipping point in the endless war between angels and demons?
Still, she didn't cry, scream, or black out like she wanted to. She wanted to escape. To live away from the fear, the wars, the labels. She wanted her family to accept her, to love her even with her quirks and her freakiness. She wanted someone to love her unconditionally.
That was a stupid fantasy.
She'd killed so many, directly and indirectly. With her powers and abilities, her skills, everyone was afraid of her to the point of wanting her dead. Well, there were a select few that were exceptions, but for the most part she just had to hide from everyone.
Not even Philip understood her, she thought heavily. He had a wife who was well respected in the company of angels, and he had a charm to keep the demons away. He didn't like hell.
Even the only other person similar to her couldn't understand the simplest things about her. How was she supposed to live like that? No one to talk to, no one to grab in a hug and just hold when she needed something to anchor her in reality.
She was alone. Completely, utterly alone.
When the door to Thomas' house opened, Farrah flew to the bunker. She didn't want to talk to him then.
"Farrah," said Sam gently, "where have you been?"
She shrugged and held her elbows with her hands as she walked past him. He turned with her. "Hey, wait. At least let me explain."
Being more fragile than she cared to admit, Farrah bit her lip against tears and said in a strained voice, "Then explain."
He gaped, not sure where to start. "I, well, I didn't mean to not stand up for you. I wanted to, I did, but I just...I wasn't sure what to say. I was still trying to understand that Crowley-"
"Please, Sam. Please, just leave me alone. I get it, okay?" He walked around to face her, but she kept her head down. "I really do. But I just need to be alone."
She started to walk away, but he wanted to talk to her, get her to open up, so he said the only thing he could think of. "Cas left. He got mad at Dean."
"I know." Her voice was small and detached suddenly as she answered without breaking stride.
Her stayed behind and sighed. They'd messed up bad. Farrah was never going to trust them again. They might lose her for good this time.