AN: once again, all mistake are my own and the devil we call dyslexia Xx
Chapter 6
Monday and Tuesday of that week came and went without incident or any change to normality, Emma ventured to the gym on Wednesday morning, she just watched Nat run on a treadmill, about 20 minutes in Nat laughed at her. "Instead of just watching me die here, why don't you run too!" Her reply was breathy, her cropped red hair sticking to the back of her neck with sweat. Emma was barefoot again and in her regular leggings and hoodie.
She shrugged "Ok, but I've no idea how to use that thing." Nat got off of her treadmill and helped Emma to set up the one next to it. She pulled off her hoodie and began to run next to Nat. Nat laughed at her running barefoot.
"Why don't you wear shoes, I gave you like three pairs"
"I don't like the feeling of my feet in anything, it's odd and my feet seem pretty tough so I don't think it's something I've ever done." She had thought about it a lot, the skin on the bottoms of her feet was tough and thick. She guessed that she had never really worn shoes. It's what felt right to her, so she stuck with it. The running way easy to her and they kept up a reasonable jogging pace and light chat as they ran. Nat asked her about helping her to online shop, she didn't want shoes, but there were other things she'd like, neither women noticed the two men watching them from the hallway through the big glass walls.
"Damn that's a sight." Bucky chuckled as he watched Emmas powerful shorter legs pound the treadmill, her bare feet looking strong and cute at the same time. He loved her small, toned almost stocky build, that was 100% pure feminine, but he liked how you could see the power in her.
"If you like looking at Romanoff so much why don't you do something about it?" Steve smirked at him and Bucky scoffed at him.
"We both know I'm not talking about Romanoff Steve." He licked his lips as his eyes trailed down the back of her neck, across her back and down to her backside which was like a dancers, pert.
"Buck, she..."
"I know, I see you two.."
Steve cut him off and turned to him "No, I am not going there Bucky. I care about her, I really care about her, but, I don't feel like I romantically care..."he watched for a beat or two. "I mean, I haven't thought about it, not really."
"Really?" He frowned at his friend, knowing that she was his type as well as his own. "So, your not looking to..."
Steve cut him off again. "I'm not looking to anything Buck. And neither should you be, she's just a kid. She deserves a normal life after everything." His thoughts now wandered what that might be like, giving her a normal life, could he even do normal with bring Captain America as well.
"Have you told her that?" Steve looked at him confused.
Turning to him, Steve crossed his arms over his chest. "What? Why?"
Bucky laughed at him. "You still have no clue about women do you buddy! She is with you all the time, she looks at you with those grey doe eyes, with, I dunno, aww and not to mention how she smiles every time you lay a finger on her." He looked back to the gym, watching her again. "She likes you Steve, like, likes you likes you. Say something or do something about it bud." With that Bucky walked off towards the main kitchen area. He didn't want to think about how Emma looked at Steve anymore, he could tell she was smitten with him.
Steve called after Bucky, "I know about women." He jogged to catch him up. "I'm 90, not dead!"
"Sure you do pal. I gotta run out later, but we still doing movie night?"
From the treadmill Emma noticed them walking away, she nodded her head towards them. "What do you think they are up to?"
Nat hit the keys on the treadmill to slow it down and then stop, Emma followed suit, picking up quickly how to use it. "Who knows." She panted and stretched her back, then picked up a bottle of water and handed it to Emma. "Those two are like brothers and just as stupid too. And god, you then put Sam in the mix it's worse!" She laughs then takes a swig of her own water.
"Sam?"
"Yeah, Falcon. He's one of the good guys, he helped me and Steve out on an Avengers thing a year or so back. He comes and goes. Nice guy, you'd like him. Actually you'll probably meet him at the party on Friday." She frowns at her. "Your coming right?"
Emma chuckles and shakes her head. "Tony made me promise to show my face later, when it dies down. But, I can't be around all those people Nat, I don't feel ready for that." She really didn't, it scared her that so many could be in danger from her freaking out or something.
"Are you doing the meditation that Bruce suggested?"
Emma raised her eyebrows and grimiest a little. "Yes...ok, no I haven't. I did however start smoking."
"Ha, I noticed that. Fuck Bucky and his bad habits." She shook her head as she towelled off her sweaty hair.
"No it wasn't him, I think I was a smoker anyway. When I tried it the other night, it felt normal, like it was something I would definitely do."
"What did Steve say?" She smirks and wiggles her eyebrows.
"He actually hasn't said anything about it. He must know, he's got to smell it, but, who knows." Emma grabs the towel from the floor and wraps it around her neck, looking at the floor and chewing on her lip wondering how to approach the next subject. "So, is Steve, like, or has he..."
Nat chuckled and pursed her lips together. "There have even a couple of ladies interested. He's had a few dates, but no girlfriends. So you do like him then?"
She let out air, puffing her cheeks. "Yes, but I'm confused. He makes me feel so safe and calm, warn even. So yeah I like him a lot, but he doesn't say anything and yeah he touches me," she noticed Nat raise her eyebrows "but not in any way other than in passing, you know."
Nat sat down on the floor and motioned for her to do the same. "Ok, so is it the touch thing that's confusing you?"
She sat down and chewed on the inside f her cheek for a moment. "I think so. Touch and smell are massive to me." Nat nodded and she took that as encouragement to open up a little. "I can smell everyone within a certain radius..."
"Wait, do I smell?" She saw the disgusted look on Nat's face.
"Yeah" she chuckled "but, it's not bad, don't look so horrified for gods sake. It's a unique scent, yours in like oranges or something citrusy, it's nice." They both laughed. "Bruce smells like, god how can I describe it, like 'wet', no that's wrong, ... like when you just come out the shower, before you put deodorant or use anything, or of fresh damp air."
"He smells wet, I can't wait to tell him that."
"No don't, I don't want to upset him."
"I'm kidding this is personal all to you, I'm not gonna tell anyone. What about Tony, Bucky...Steve?"
"Tony, unsurprisingly smells like a fucking sweaty tin can!" Again they both laughed. "Steve smells like the almonds and leather, I dunno if he uses a hair thing with almonds in or what, but, it's fresh and nutty."
She chuckled and Nat met her eyes. "And Bucky?"
Emma looked away, out to the lake for a moment and then at her feet. "Pfft. It's complicated. It changes, most peoples scent stay the same, but I can notice little differences in his sometimes. It's mostly pine..." she started to fiddle with the towel in her hands and Nat noticed smiling to herself. "Like when your walking in the woods and the breeze comes threw a hundred trees at once and all the gathered scent hits you in the face, so sharp and fresh and clean. It's cold too, I smell it.." she closed her eyes and breathed in deep "and it makes my skin goose up, and feel like, like I craze warmth, I'm desperate for it or that friction you get when you rubs your hands over yourself to warm up. I can smell his arm, the metal, the workings and he sort of always has a gun smell, so do you. But the you two both use guns a lot." She sighed and look ack at Nat again. "That probably didn't make any fucking sense."
"It does." She paused for only moment. "What about touch?"
"It scares me." She shook her head and shrugged making a confused face. "I don't know why. I can feel the dog..." she gestured to herself "on the inside all the time, scents make is come to the fore inside my head depending on the smell, its always there don't get me wrong, like it's waiting for a reason to come out, but scent and touch have an effect on it. It's like I can imagine it/her whatever in my minds eye."
Nat nodded. "I get it, I think."
"Bruce is gentle and wouldn't hurt a fly, his touch screams that and literally it doesn't effect me or the inner 'her' at all. Steve's touch makes it.." she frowned smiling, trying to find the right words. "He makes it sit almost. Or sleep or just calm."
"Safety?"
Emma nodded. "Yeah, I keep saying, but he makes me feel safe. That's huge. I don't know how else to describe it." Nat noticed that she had said anything about Barnes again. "No one else touches me, I make a point of keeping enough distance and I've gotten really good and avoiding accidental touch."
"Why?"
"Because I don't know what it will do?"
"Does Bucky touch you?"
Emma looked at her sharply and shook her head. "I don't want him to touch me. It growls at him, bares it's teeth and scratches at the surface when he's near. I don't if it's my fear it senses, or his fear or that there is any fear at all, it could be something fucking else entirely. It's like it wants to eat him. I know me and him get on better, but I'm so wary of him, I'm on edge round him all the fucking time, just waiting to fend off the beast in my head if he so much as looks at me." She stood up and flicked the towel at the arm of the treadmill lightly. "The only touch before coming here that I can remember is that fucking place." She sat down opposite Nat and the end of the dormant treadmill. "I lied to Bruce and the others, I mean I told him about the main scientist guy and the beatings, but..." She met Nat's eyes full of concern.
"Strucker."
"Was that his name?"
"Yeah, they didn't keep it from you on purpose, but never offered the information either. Trying to save you from memories etc."
"Did he hurt others too?"
"Yes, we have information on two other pole. A brother and sister who he messed with, enhanced. We're looking for them."
Emma nodded. "He's dead. So I guess he can't hurt anyone else. It, I wanted t know why, why me?"
"Emma, it's a fair question, but, I honestly don't know the answer and maybe it's as simply as, he could." Emma nodded sadly. "What did you not tell them?"
"You can't say anything, but I remember. Remember them beating me and burning me and...I remember them holding me down and..." she trailed off and stayed silent looking at the floor for what seem liked hours.
"They raped you." It was more a statement than a question. Emma nodded not raising her head and her hands were shaking now at the memories. Nat had to really hold herself back from reaching out to touch her and comfort her.
Her voice when she spoke was pained. "Yeah." She would not cry, she was determined. "I remembered having this fuzzy scrap of a memory of my mother, telling me to keep it all in and to control it." She swallowed the lump forming in her throat. "But, I couldn't." She shook her head and met Nat's eyes again, Nat was unable to speak to her through the emotion of it all. "I let it out, I let it kill people even though they deserved it, I killed them. It, I, ate them or tore them to pieces. I remember that, that wakes me up at night. Their flesh splitting, the sound of it splattering on the walls, the scent of it comes back to me..."
"You defended yourself."
"If someone touches me and I'm not ready for it, what if it tries to defend me again?"
Nat sighed "No one here is going to hurt you." Emma smiled.
"I know, but it doesn't make it any less hard. Or any more of a fucking worry that I'm going to hurt someone again."
Nat opened her mouth to speak closed it, sighed and tried again. "With Bucky.."
"Hey I know he's a good guy, but I can't have him touch me, he can't touch me, I dunno what it is, he gets near me and it/she/dog-brain just wants to crack him open and lick his insides out like a Cadburys egg!"
"Like a what?" She looked so confused.
"Never mind, it's a candy egg thing." She chuckled.
Nat sighed again heavily this time. "Ok... your gonna hate this, but, I think it's sex..."
Emma shot her a horrified look. "I don't want to have sex with Bucky!"
Laughing Nat replied. "Ok, but be honest, you thought of him first when i said it? Also, you don't want to have sex with Steve either...do you?"
Emma stood up and paced a little. "I haven't...I dunno!"
"I don't want to sound rude or patronising in any way, but, I get the impression that your not very experienced with sex and god knows your recent history isn't going to make things easier and yes, definitely yes it should be a massive go slow area, but I think your confusing safety with attraction and attraction with fear and possibly comfort. Steve is safe for you, Bucky on the other hand..."
"No..." she had had the smallest of thoughts about touching Steve.
"You just described his scent..."
"No Nat, not him, how can I..." and maybe she had had a few thoughts about what Bucky's hair would feel like to touch.
"You described his scent like you were actually breathing him in. Like....you were bathing in him or smelling the freshest flowers or a sweetest pie you can't wait to eat. That's what that was. You didn't have that level of detail for Steve or Tony or anyone else, just Bucky."
"I don't think I like him like that. He's.." she was genuinely confused over it all.
"A man-child." Emma laughed at her. "Look we're doing the movie thing tonight, they will both be there, so, just think about it. I'm not saying think about having sex with Steve and then think about having sex with Bucky..."
"Fuck off. I am not doing that!" She started to walk to the exit of the gym and Nat got up and followed along next to her. "I can't think about them like that when they are in the fucking room Nat! And besides what if brain-dog objects to my train of thought? Huh? What then, cos' she really fucking hates him." She laughed again noticing that Emma had only mentioned Bucky...again.
"Honey those are invariably the best kinds relationships, the ones where you start off hating them." She chuckled. "Like i say, not thinking about sex, but, touching them or maybe a kiss...a kiss is a good place to start. Think about that and see where it takes you with your thoughts."
"Nat I can't, Bucky, it," She pointed to her head. "She wants to eat him!"
"And why is that? Come on think about it, out of everyone here why does it wan't to do that to him? Specifically him? I mean if anyone was going to get it's back up and make it homicidal you'd think it would be Tony, you said yourself you don't really like him that much."
She shrugged and looked down at her bare feet s they walked. "I don't know, I thought she was always there to protect me I guess. Maybe she's scared of him."
"Or it's scared of the attraction building between you because, sex is sex and the only sex it's experienced was what... they did and it's primitive mind, if it is primitive, it wants to protect you from more of the same." She opened the door, let Emma through and followed herself.
"I don't know any different."
"So, maybe Auntie Google it?"
"Fuck off Nat, I am not Googling it!" The pair headed off to shower and changed. It left Emma thinking about what she had said though, thinking about how to help herself see things differently after what had happened to her.
That evening, she found herself sitting in the lounge area fiddling nervously with her hair as Steve set up a movie. Nat cam in and threw herself onto the couch next to her. She smiled at the way Nat made sure there was enough space between the two. She had cried in the shower after their chat and realised that Nat had made her realise that she needed to sort so much out in her head, she wanted things to change. She wanted to have the courage to touch someone, unsure who and how, but to be able to initiate touch would mean everything. Not to mention other things, like being a part of their family and maybe even going outside.
"What are we watching Rogers?" Nat sipped from her coke can.
"Somthin' Bucky found, called 'Grown Ups'. Apparently it's funny."
"Terrific, so it's more like an instructional video for you two boys then?"
Bucky came in and flopped down on one of the adjoining chairs next to them. "I heard that."
They all took a look at him and did a collective double take. "Whoa, what happened pal?"Steve smirked and was looking at him dead on, Nat got up and ruffled what was left of his hair.
"Lawnmower attack?"
"Jesus Bucky."
His hair had been cut, short on the back and sides looked like a grade two and then longer on the top. He batted Nat's hand away and pushed his hand through his short-ish new cut, there was enough that he could sweep it to the side or give it some volume. "I wanted a change, that's all nothing drastic." He looked around the room. "Would you all quit starring, it's just a haircut!"
They laughed again. Sitting down again Nat caught Emmas eye. She couldn't help but keep looking at how much more open his face was, how it made his features stand out, she liked it. She shook her head at Nat who just chuckled to herself.
Bucky then stood up and took his jumper off over the top of his head, before he could stop it his t-shirt rode up underneath and Emma saw his toned muscular stomach. Quickly averting her eyes, she shot a sideways glance at Nat who was smirking into her drink. She had to admit that he looked good, but the animal didn't like it, she could feel it prowling about in her brain and snarling at him. She rubed her temples.
"You okay?" Steve said it softly as he sat down on the opposite side of Nat, looking at her intently.
"What?!" Emma looked up at him embarrassed. She looked at Bucky and then back to Steve. "Uh, yeah, headache." She tried to ignore the beast and Nat at the same time and settled to watch the movie.
About half way through Bruce came to get Nat for something and then ten minutes after that Steve's phone buzzed in his pocket. "Gotta go check something for Maria, I'll be back later." He lightly stroked her hair as he walked past the back of the couch and out the door. His fingers were fleeting, she wished she had been brave enough to raise her hand to meet his. She watched him go, looking at the way his muscles moved in his back and sighed, the beast whimpered a little, she wandered if she did want him in that way. She tried to imagine kissing him, her lips brushing his and she had to bite her lip to stop herself from sighing heavily at the thought of how much more than 'nice' it would be.
As she looked back at the screen she caught Bucky looking at her, his face so open and on display for her apart from the light stubble. "What?" It came out more harshly than she had wanted encase she was so one edge now she was alone with him.
He lowered his head and shook it lightly. "Nothing doll." His profile was handsome and again she thought about what Nat had suggested. Thinking about Steve and Bucky and touch. Her eyes wandered to his hair and she half smile at how she could still potentially get her hands in what was left, but the thought process was cut off by an increase in snarling. His eyes shot to meet hers. "Did you just growl?!"
"I..." his eyebrows shot up and she realised she hadn't even realised she had done it. "Not intentionally, my head...it, uh, it hurts. Sorry." She looked back at the screen and forced herself not to look at him again.They watched the movie and laughed a lot at the stupid things that the apparent grown ups did. She did look at him eventually, she couldn't help it. Which didn't help, she fidgeted constantly, as she was getting increasingly uncomfortable with the constant snarling that was going on in her head. Sometimes she was amazed that no one else could hear it, then remembered mortified that he just had. "I gotta go to bed, my head is killing me." She got up and walked to the door hearing him sigh. She stopped just before the door, the snarling continued. "I like the hair. Suits you." With that she smiled to herself and left.
Bucky didn't really watch the rest of the film, he just sat and thought about her and how turned on he'd been by the noise she had made. He just wished she had made it at him and not Steve.
She crashed into her bed, it was over sized and full of blankets and huge cushions. She buried herself in the covers and pulled a pillow over her head as the beast wouldn't shut up, it took an hour for it to calm down and let her rest.
***END OF CHAPTER