(hi friends!! couple of things to say before we get started, the first being something i forgot to last time, but i just wanted to thank scy (scylergreene) and valepvv (i don't have ur username bc you told me ur spotify through uquiz so just lmk who u are and i'll get ur user up here asap) for the playlists they made for sld and for giving me something to obsess over for the last couple of weeks. they're basically all i've been listening to and it is wild to see that y'all have THIS many songs that remind u of jess and marley. you can find these playlists under the titles "HOWL FOR CARL SOLOMON" from user valepvv and "j&m" from user Scyler Eijgermans!! thank u thank u thank u i love u both dearly.)
(number two, the amount of people who have let me know that sld is their comfort fic is literally unbelievable. it is so, so sweet to think that some of u guys turn to this hunk of shit for comfort, much like i do with the actual gilmore girls show. it's fucking heartwarming to know i can continue that feeling for some of you almost 15 years after the show ended and i just.... wow i love u. my ego is sky high bc of y'all so it's ur fault that i'm the way that i am.)
(finally, number three; i have gotten MANY messages about the plans that i have for this fic and how it's gonna end and if there's going to be a sequel. as of right now, i have no plans for a sequel. this fic will soon be divided up into 3 parts, and as you probably assumed, we're currently in part 2. part 3 will begin in a couple of chapters and will be approximately 10 chapters long. [don't quote me on that. subject to change.] everything will be finalized and wrapped up in that part and the epilogue. however! i do have plans for 2 short spin offs of sorts. one i know y'all will like, the other... is a bit of a shot in the dark, but i'm excited for it. more to come on that. but the important thing here is to know that sld is a one and done show. and we've got about 13 chapters to go after this one. scary.)
(alright. let's get into it. ur fuckin comments on the last update were some of the funniest shit ever. i love u guys. so much. or tons. you know how it goes. -mags)
✧✧✧
"HE FUCKING WHAT?" Lauren screamed, voice echoing off the walls of her and Chris's shared room in Truncheon in a way that made Marley flinch, almost triggering her to cry harder. "And you... you! You fucking what?"
Marley's words were muffled against the palms of her hands. "Can you stop yelling?" she sniffled.
"No! How-- Why-- I-- Dude!" Lauren was sputtering, trying to approach her point but failing every time. She whipped around with her arms open in question. "Why are you crying right now? I don't get why you're crying!"
"How do you not get--"
"Marley, this is a good thing! He finally made a move! You! You finally made a move! What is the issue here?" she asked, truly unable to understand why she was reacting in this way. "This isn't something to be crying about!"
Marley finally took her face out of her hands, wiping the tears surrounding her eyes away. She nearly fell off the bed she was sitting on as she pointed at her friend. "We kissed! Any sort of, like, friendship boundaries that we set up are gone. And we're never going to get those back."
"Are you serious?" Marley frowned at Lauren who was practically laughing at her at the moment. "Dude, kissing's only a big deal if make it. It's not going to destroy your friendship unless you want it to."
"Are you hearing yourself right now? How is something like this not going to change everything?"
"I need you to look at me right now," she said, crouching down to her level. Marley did so begrudgingly. "Have you kissed me?"
Marley's expression went blank. "That's not even close to being the same--"
"Why not? We're friends, right?"
"Lauren--"
"If I'm not mistaken, we've kissed multiple times. Way more than you have with Jess. And we're still friends. According to your logic, we shouldn't be," she said. Lauren squeezed her shoulders. "What makes this so different?"
Marley looked away with an aggravated sigh. "You know why it's different."
"That's not an answer. Why is it different, Acosta?"
"Because I don't have a thing for you, Lauren! I obviously don't like you like that!" Marley finally shouted. "Is that what you wanted to hear?"
"It's exactly what I wanted to hear. You like Jess. And he likes you, if you didn't catch that tonight. He has for fuckin' years, Marley."
Marley blinked twice, eyes flashing to Lauren in shock. "Hold on. Years?"
Lauren waved her off, attempting to stay focused on the matter at hand. "Yeah, yeah, we don't have time to unpack that right now," she said. "What we do have time to talk about is what the hell you're going to do about this."
"I don't-- I don't want to do anything," Marley said. "We're friends. I want to stay friends. I don't want this to turn into something else and then lose him."
"Oh, cut the shit," Lauren snapped, making Marley nearly flinch in surprise. "Friends. Are you buying cars for all of your friends?"
"Oh, my God--"
"Can I get a Benz? I know Chris is gonna want a Bugatti. Let me call Courtney and see what she wants. She seems like a Lambo girl to me, but I--"
"Can you stop this?"
"No. Not until you explain to me why you've been bawling your eyes out like someone just died." Marley clenched her jaw. There wasn't anything that she wanted to be doing less than having this talk with Lauren right now. "Hello?"
"Both relationships that I've been in haven't worked out," Marley finally said, somehow sounding both aggressive and timid that the same time. "Any guy from school that I was remotely interested in dropped me after we hooked up. My mom's terrified to get into a relationship because of the way my dad treated her. I..." Marley trailed off, feeling herself get choked up once more. She took a moment to swallow the lump in her throat and she looked at the ground. "I don't have... good relationship experiences. Everyone leaves. And... everyone leaves the people that I love. They say that they like you or fuck, they might even love you, and then they leave. And I know that I do a decent job of hiding it, but that shit..." She glanced at Lauren letting one tear flow over. "God, that shit scares me. More than anything. And I need Jess in my life. I can't have him leave too."
Lauren sat on the floor, looking at her with a certain amount of pity that Marley hated. She nearly scoffed. She didn't want pity. She didn't want anything except for this night to have never happened.
But there was a huge piece of Marley that knew that she didn't mean that. She'd wrestled with her emotions about Jess for a while now. Whatever happened outside needed to happen. Fuck, she'd wanted it to happen for a while. She was happy that it happened. Was there a word for being happy and regretful? Bittersweet? But that wasn't--
Her thoughts dissolved as Lauren squeezed her ankle softly. Marley's eyes fell back on her friend and she bit the inside of her cheek. Lauren's voice was gentle when she asked, "Do you really think Jess would ever leave you? After all of this? After everything?"
Marley looked away. She struggled to get the words out of her mouth with her throat tightening as much as it was. "I don't know," she whispered. "No. But I don't want to risk it."
Lauren's stare was hard on the side of her face. She wasn't buying it. Marley wasn't as transparent to her as she was to Jess, but Lauren could read her well. "I think you know he wouldn't," she said.
"What?"
"I think you know he wouldn't, and that's why you're pussying out." Marley didn't say anything in response to that. That only egged Lauren on more. "Oh, my God. You're not scared of that shit. I mean, like, you are, and that's totally valid, but that's not what you're really scared of. You're scared of you."
Marley stood up from the bed, walking away and shaking her head. "Stop trying to like, psychoanalyze me. You're a med student, not a psych major."
"Where are you going?" Lauren asked.
"I'm sleeping on the couch. I really don't feel like talking about this anymore. And there's no way I'm going home tonight."
"No, you're not."
"Thank you."
Lauren shook her head. Her expression and stance allowed for no bullshit. "No, I mean you're not sleeping on the couch tonight. I forbid it."
Marley gaped at her, brows flying to her forehead. "You forbid it?"
"I forbid it!"
"You can't forbid it!"
"Why not?" Lauren asked. "I live here. What I say goes."
"You live-- This is Truncheon! I'm not even in your room, you have no say as to what I can and can't do!"
"Yes, I do! And I forbid you from sleeping on the couch. You're going home like a big girl and you're cleaning this shit up with Jess." Lauren pointed at her. "You've made out with your boy. Now you must lie with him." Marley's face went blank at her friend's poor excuse for a metaphor. Lauren nodded, crossing her arms over her chest defiantly. "I don't regret what I just said. And by lie with him, yes, I meant sex, but I also meant you need to fix this. But mostly the sex part."
"Oh, my God," Marley mumbled, her entire face flaming up.
Lauren shrugged. "You need to get laid," she said. "And we've all got a pool going. I'm not letting Courtney win again."
"Oh, my God!" Marley repeated, pointing a finger in Lauren's face. "Stop betting on my love life."
"We gotta bet on something. We're bored. And it's perfect because it's exciting but also makes us want to rip our hair out."
Marley put her hands in her face again, trying her best not to laugh at the ridiculousness of this situation. "Stop making me laugh," she muttered. "I'm annoyed at you."
Lauren snickered, stepping closer to her as the tension in the room went down. "And I'm annoyed at you. I'm annoyed that for whatever reason, your little pea brain doesn't think it's okay to like Jess. But you need to tell it that it is," she told her, sighing softly afterward. "It's okay to take that jump, Marley. I know it's scary, but dear God, you and Jess deserve this. I've never met two people who so fucking obviously love each other--"
"Please don't say the 'L' word," Marley whispered, feeling her stomach churn.
"Too bad, I'm using it. I've never met two people who love each other as much as you two do who refuse to let themselves be happy because of these improbable 'what ifs.' Something good happened tonight, dude. Stop trying to tell yourself that it's bad." Lauren grabbed the sides of Marley's face with both hands. She was wearing small smile as she said, "I forbid you to not allow yourself to be happy."
Marley snorted, clearing her throat as she felt herself begin to get choked up again at what Lauren had said. "You forbid me?" she asked, voice raspier than she'd been hoping.
"I forbid you."
She nodded, taking Lauren's hands off her cheeks and holding them for a moment. She squeezed them before she let go of them. "Are you sure I can't sleep on the couch?" Marley asked.
Lauren rolled her eyes, letting go of one of Marley's hands, but tightening her grip on the other. She pulled her to the staircase, ignoring Marley's protests as she dragged behind her. "You're going home," she said. "I'll drive you home but you're not staying here."
Marley suppressed a groan. "Laur--"
"Nope. Don't be a baby. Get in the car. We're going." Lauren glanced over her shoulder as they walked out into the street, gritting her teeth as she had to tug harder on Marley's arm to get her out the door. "You're gonna walk me through how you're gonna talk to him so I know that you won't chicken out."
Marley didn't answer her questions with more than two words the entire time, too wrapped up in the shit that was going on in her head.
✧
MARLEY AND JESS' floor was quiet. There was nobody walking through the halls, no voice could be heard through any of the doors, and all music had been shut off. The only evidence that a party had gone on was a loose streamer that had escaped from their apartment laying sadly on the floor next to a beer cap. This was good.
Quiet was good. Quiet meant that the party had either broken up or everyone had migrated to a bar or club in order to keep the night going. Quiet meant that Jess might not be in the apartment.
The more intuitive side of Marley knew that that last part likely wasn't the case. Jess was often drawn to the quiet. He actively sought it out. It was a habit he'd transferred onto Marley unconsciously, as though she was definitely the more outgoing and lively of the two, she'd learned to appreciate a good quiet moment when in a crowded room. But if Marley knew Jess (and she did. Better than anyone, Jess would say), she knew that he'd be in there. He'd be cleaning up or he'd be locked in his room. That piece of it didn't matter.
What mattered is that she knew that he'd been thinking about what had happened, just as she had been. She assumed he hadn't told anyone or talked it out like she had, but she knew his mind. She knew it must be spinning.
And she felt terrible about it, she truly did. It literally made her sick to think about. The idea of him being upset, or him regretting what they'd done, or mad at her about the way that she'd reacted-- anything. It only added to her anxieties about this whole thing.
It was the reason she'd been sitting outside her door for the last ten minutes, trying to talk herself into going in. She had a momentary flashback to last summer when she'd returned from London and had found herself in a similar situation before she tried her pizza peace offering. But that was nothing like this. That was child's play compared to the shit that was going down now.
Just walk in. Just walk in and talk to him. Walk in and tell him everything you want to say.
But what did she want to say? How was she to express everything that was going through her head right now? Was there a way to do that? And how was he going to react to it when it came out?
God, she was going insane. She just had to go in there and get it over with before she started to overthink all of this even more. Jump into the cold water and warm up later.
Marley inhaled sharply, her exhale sounding even more labored. She walked up to the door, hesitating once her hand wrapped around the doorknob, but shaking her head. She was doing this. She was doing it now.
She used the keys in her hand to unlock the door, opening it to find Bowie sitting on the back of the armchair in the corner and nobody around. Alternative rock was playing softly from the stereo by the TV. Her brow furrowed as she didn't see the person she was expecting to. All she saw was the remnants of the party.
Maybe he had gone out. Maybe she could avoid this talk tonight. Maybe--
Any spark of hope Marley had was extinguished as soon as she saw Jess walk out of the kitchen with a trash bag in his hands. He froze once he saw Marley, looking genuinely shocked to see her. She stared back at him, opening her mouth to speak, then closing it as she realized that no words were coming out.
As Jess seemed to come back to reality, he tightened his grip on the trash bag. "Hey," he said. Marley fought off a grimace as she heard his tone, that one word sounding more uncertain and guarded than he'd been with her for years.
She swallowed, turning to shut the door behind her. "Hi," she said softly. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she faced him. "I'm sorry you're cleaning on your birthday. That... That isn't fun."
"I've had worse birthdays," he said shortly. He didn't look at her as he continued to clean cups off the table. "Hell, worse things happened tonight."
Marley shut her eyes feeling as if he'd punched her in the stomach. "Jess," she pleaded.
He glanced up at her. "What?"
"Don't. Don't do that. Please."
"Don't do what?" he muttered.
"Don't try to shut me out right now," she said. "It's not going to work. It's never worked with me. Especially not when..."
Jess dropped the trash bag and crossed his arms so that he now matched Marley's stance. "What?"
"Can we please just... talk?" Marley begged, though she couldn't get her voice to go any louder than a whisper. "I... I really need to talk to you."
She watched as Jess shut his eyes and seemed to soften at her words. He ran a hand through his hair, fidgeting a bit as he refused to meet her gaze. She wasn't sure what he was going to say. She really didn't know. But she wasn't expecting it when he asked, "Why did you run away?"
Marley's lips parted, and she licked them as she attempted to understand this simple question. "What?"
"I thought-- You were..." Jess motioned to the window that overlooked the street. "Out there," he said. "I thought we were... finally on the same page."
"We were," she said. It was his turn to be surprised when she timidly added, "We are."
Jess looked at her, eyes and expression pleading for some sort of answer. "Then why did you freak out on me?"
Marley bit her lip, slowly moving further into the room. She shrugged helplessly. "I just... got scared," she said. She hated how small she sounded. "It's stupid, but I--"
"Scared of me?" Jess asked.
"Of everything," she choked out, shaking her head as she found herself in front of the couch. She lowered herself onto it and hid her face in her hands. "Of you, of me, of what happened. Of what it means. Of what happens after."
Marley gritted her teeth as she heard Jess hesitate. She knew what was coming. "What happens after?"
And there it was. Marley gave him the most honest answer she could muster up right now. "I don't know," she told him.
"You..." Jess paused, not speaking again until Marley's hands dropped and he could look her in the eye again. "...don't know." After a moment, when he realized she wasn't going to say anything in response to that, he posed another question. "What does it mean, Marley?"
"What?" she asked.
"You said you were scared of what that meant," he said. He raised his brows and pointed outside once more. "What did that mean?"
Marley couldn't seem to form a sentence, speechless in every form of the word. She wanted so badly to say what it meant but was unable to figure out how to say it. She stammered, fully aware that she sounded like a moron right now. "I--I, um..." she trailed off, eyes cast from Jess to the floor. She said the only thing that she could seem to say right now. "I... don't know."
She didn't want to look at Jess's face right now. She didn't think she could handle the expression she knew he was wearing, not wanting to feel even more like an idiot for her response. But she was a masochist at heart, so she did anyway.
And, she was right. Though, his expression was more on the complete and utter disbelief side rather than the 'holy-shit-you're-an-idiot' side. This one hurt more.
"You don't know," he repeated dumbly, as if he were processing her words for the first time. He didn't let Marley respond. "Well, I'm going to tell you some things that I know."
"Jess--" She was barely regarded.
"I know that I've wanted to do that for a while now," he began. Marley swallowed as he stepped closer to her. "I know that that's been one of the only things on my mind for the past couple of years and I know that you've been thinking about it too."
"How could you possibly know that?"
Jess rolled his eyes, motioning to her room. "You told me you wanted to! Twice! And then lied about not remembering it!"
Marley flushed as her mouth dropped open. "I didn't--"
"I'm not done," he snapped, shutting Marley up instantly. "I know that you're scared. I know that things between us have changed. But I also know that we've been tiptoeing around this for fuck-knows how long and just.. God, I'm sick of it, Marley. I'm sick of pretending like I don't..."
Marley stared at him, daring him to continue. "Like you don't what?"
Jess sighed, a mirthless smile twisting at his lips. "Like I don't want to do that type of shit with you," he said, scratching at his nose shyly. "Because I do."
She blinked at him, mind quite literally going numb at his confession. "You do," she stated, unable to work her brain enough to ask a question right now.
"I do. More than anything. So I'm..." he trailed off, trying to gauge Marley's reaction. "I'm not sorry that it happened. I'm the furthest thing from it, actually. Because I, uh, I know one other thing."
She happened to catch the last part he'd said and those little red flags started shooting their way up through the walls in her mind. Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no. Her eyes flashed to his in warning. "Don't," she whispered.
Jess shook his head. "I know that I--"
"Don't. Please." Marley was nearly begging him at this point, but she didn't care.
And he didn't seem to either. "I need to. Please just let me--"
"Jess, if you're about to say what I think you are, I swear to god I'll never forgive you." There wasn't any warning left in her voice. It was only a threat. And by the looks of it, she was on the verge of tears.
Jess shut his eyes so that he didn't have to look at her expression. "I know that I love you, Marley," he said. He sounded so earnest. So confident. Sweet. Like it'd been on his chest for years and he was finally able to get rid of the weight. "I love you."
Marley shook her head vigorously, wiping the tears that had escaped. She scrambled off of the couch and moved around it as he got closer to her, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable by everything around her. "No," she said. "No, you don't."
"Yes, I do."
"No, you don't."
"Stop that!" Jess yelled, unable to understand why she was acting this way. "Stop telling me I don't! You don't get to decide what I feel. I love you, Marley. I've loved you for so long now."
Marley was burning up. When did it get so hot in here? The clothes she was wearing were sitting the wrong way on her skin. Her hair was laying upon her neck wrong. Everything felt wrong. She put her fingers to her temple. "Jesus Christ, stop fucking saying that!" she begged through a choked sob. "You don't love me. You can't."
"Why the hell not? Huh? Why can't I?"
"Because you can't."
Jess shook his head. "That's not good enough."
Marley's eyes were blazing when she met his gaze and it physically broke Jess' heart to look at her. She cleared her throat, attempting to get a grip of herself to say the words she wanted to. "Because if you love me, I lose you, and I won't allow you to be selfish enough to let that happen."
"Lose me? What are you—"
"Anyone who's thought they loved me like that has left. They're out of my life completely. And I refuse to even entertain the possibility of that happening to us."
Jess sighed, ignoring the selfish piece of his brain that told him to be offended by the idea that she thought he'd be anything like the others. The only thing he could think about was how genuinely sad he was for her right now. "Marley..."
"The same goes for the people around me," she continued, swallowing a lump in her throat as she looked down at the floor. "I just had this talk with Lauren. Jacob's the only exception so far. But who knows what's gonna happen with that."
Jess took a moment to let her breathe and let the thoughts rushing through his head settle down. He filed them away as he looked at her, the questions slowly coming in one by one. Was this really what she thought? That he was going to leave her? Did she really think that they'd ruin things so easily after everything they'd been through? Would she seriously not allow herself to be happy with him because she was scared?
He hesitated before he took a step closer to her, putting his hands up in surrender when she nervously stepped back. He knew that he had to calm her down. But Jess, being the way that he was, couldn't help but ask one question that had been plaguing him ever since she'd started speaking.
"Do you not trust me?" he asked, voice soft. Marley looked at him like she was going to tell him the obvious answer, but he didn't let her. "I know that I haven't been... reliable in the past, and that I'm not, y'know, Mr. Relationship, and I can't Nicholas Sparks you, or whatever, but I... Just tell me that's not it."
"It's not," was her immediate response.
"Then why not give it a shot?" Jess knew he sounded pathetic, pleading like this, like he was fucking asking the Gods above for an answer, but he didn't care. Not tonight. Not when this was so close. "You gotta know I'm not gonna bail on you. You know that, right? There isn't any part of me that can fuckin' imagine having you in my life in some capacity. I need you, Acosta. I'm always gonna need you."
Marley's breath caught in her throat at his words and she squeezed her eyes shut. God, this wasn't helping the way that her heart was beating out of her chest right now. Her hands were shaking by the time he'd finished speaking and she hid them behind her so he wouldn't notice. He was making this too hard.
Of course, she knew he wouldn't bail on her. Right now. In this moment. He couldn't speak for himself in a year, or hell, even two months from now. And that wasn't anything against him. It was just the way relationships tended to work for her.
"I need you too," she finally got out, refusing to look at him. "But you might not feel that way later on. You... only know friend me. And yeah, you know me better than anyone, but you don't know relationship me. You don't know what that's like."
Jess shook his head. "Why does it have to be a different you?"
Marley blinked at him. "What?"
"I fell in love with you for you, Marley. Not friend you, or relationship you, whatever the fuck that means. I fell in love with you," he told her. His voice was firm. No sign of doubt, no hesitancy, nothing. Marley pressed her lips together to hold in the cry that threatened to come out of her mouth. "But, I mean, I'd gladly meet this 'relationship you' if that's what you want. If she's anything like the girl I saw with that piece of shit Moreau or the other one, I don't think I'm gonna like her, but I'll meet her."
She didn't hide her confusion when she asked, "You're not gonna like her?"
Jess sighed again. There was no elegant way to explain this to her. He couldn't really be nice about this. But he knew there was a certain part of her who could acknowledge that he was right. "You-- at least from my perspective, tended to be a different person around them when you were dating them. And it just wasn't you. I don't want that. I want you. Not whoever you feel like you have to be. I love you."
"Can you please stop saying that?" she asked, though her voice was quieter this time. She sounded less forceful, as if she were actually listening to the things Jess was saying. He told himself not to get hopeful, but found that he was doing it anyway.
"No," he told her. "I'm only gonna stop saying it if you can look me in the eye and tell me that you don't feel the same."
Her eyes fell shut as she felt her chest constrict. "Jess..."
"You wanna know when I knew I loved you?" he asked, took a step toward her, taking it as a good sign when she didn't move away this time.
"Stop," Marley whispered. "Please."
"It was when we moved in and I saw that you still had that ABBA postcard I sent to you after I left Stars Hollow."
"Shut up. Right now."
Jess didn't. He only kept going. "I think there was a part of me that always knew. But as soon as I saw that you cared enough about me and about us to keep something as stupid as that, I knew for sure. There wasn't a doubt in my mind then and there isn't now. So stop telling me to shut up and don't try to tell me that I don't love you, because I know I do."
Tears started welling up in Marley's eyes once more. She wasn't expecting her voice to be as imploring as it was when she squeaked out, "Enough. I-I can't--"
"I know you're scared, Marley. I get it. I'm sorry that you've convinced yourself of all that shit," he said earnestly. He'd gotten closer to her, but he hadn't invaded her personal space yet, and for that she was thankful. She wasn't sure if she'd punch him or break down into hysterics if he got any closer. "But I think you love me too. I just think you won't let yourself admit it."
Marley said nothing. She wanted to. She wanted to tell him to stop, to get out of her face, to take back everything that he'd just said. It'd be easier that way. It would be so much easier to pretend as if nothing had just happened.
But Marley knew she couldn't do that. She knew that too much had happened between them now. There was no going back. There was no taking back what had been said, no backtracking on steps already taken. It had happened. And there were two things she could do right now. She could take a minute and get introspective, or she could tell him to get away from her.
As much as she wanted to, the words wouldn't come out. She couldn't tell him to do that. She literally couldn't. So, introspective it was.
Marley moved back from him slightly, like that would clear her head and make her think straight. She didn't look at him as she did so, but she did put a hand up in between them, wordlessly telling him that she needed a moment. She figured he got the message when he sighed and stayed stationary.
A chill ran down her spine as she looked at the floor. He... loved her. Not as a friend. Not even as family. He loved her. Like, loved her, loved her. He was well-past liking her. He'd seemingly gone through the current phase she was in with him long ago. Marley wasn't sure she'd ever be able to fully grasp that concept.
Perhaps there was a part of her that always knew that, but didn't want to admit it. Sure, they were friends, best friends even, but he always treated her just a little bit differently than everyone else. Though, she'd really only seen him in love with one person, and even then, he wasn't always sure how to outwardly express that. He never treated her the way he'd treated Rory, at least from what she'd seen, so she'd never really been sure how to gauge that.
But this was different, wasn't it? They'd been friends before all of this. He'd only ever known Rory as someone he was persuing, and then someone he'd dated. It was different. He acted differently around her. The two of them knew things about the other that they hadn't told anyone else, they'd seen each other at their worst, hell, they'd been the reasons they had to show their worst.
And yet, he still loved her. He loved her.
Why? She wasn't sure she'd ever know, and even if he told her, she didn't think she'd completely understand. But, evidently, he did. And hearing those words out loud did scare her a bit.
But it also... excited her? How long had she gone without recognizing it? Why hadn't she picked up on it sooner? Marley was relatively good at picking up on others' feelings and decent at picking apart her own, so why hadn't she seen it earlier? How had she not been hyperaware of all of that after she'd realized her own feelings for him? After everything he'd done for her? After everything they'd been through?
Her heart hammered in her chest as she thought about the conversation she had with her mother some time ago. Do you think you've ever been in a relationship with someone who knows you better than yourself? Have you actually been able to be yourself? And did they understand who you are?
She hadn't. She hadn't been in a relationship with anyone like that. Neither of them loved her, at least not in the way that Jess apparently did. She'd never had someone like that in her life. Maybe that's why she couldn't recognize it.
Her mom's words came back, her voice asking questions that swirled around in Marley's head, Did you love Ryan? Did you love Will?, all of these things making her realize the reason that her mom was asking them in the first place. She'd denied the simple possibility of it being a thing, but right now, standing in front of him, after being quiet for way too long, after she'd kissed him, after he'd confessed his heart and soul to her, she knew that the possibility was no longer that. It was reality now. The red flags were still there, but they were slowly being cut down.
Did she love Jess? That was... a question. It was one that had daunted her and frankly, still did, but now it... it seemed a little less scary to consider.
He was her best friend. He meant more to her than almost anyone else in her world. He'd stuck around despite her bullshit, and she'd stayed with him despite his. They always found a way to take care of each other, and they always managed to put the other before themselves. They'd fought, dear God, had they fought, but at the end of the day, they were always going to be in each other's corners. She honestly couldn't imagine a life without him at this point, which is why she'd been so petrified about all of this in the first place.
But here he was. Still standing in front of her. Still with her. And Marley knew that he was so much more than a friend, and he had been for a while. And what they had was so much more than friendship.
Of course, she loved Jess. She'd just been too scared and too blind to see it. What she'd felt wasn't just harboring a crush on him or the feeling of having a best friend. It was... well, it was love. And as terrifying as it all was, it was real. There was no more running from it. No more.
They'd only been standing in silence for about a minute, but Jess felt as though he'd aged twenty years. His stomach churned as he watched Marley stare at the ground. He didn't want to push her, nor did he want to scare her off, but he needed something. Some indication that he hadn't just made a fool of himself and ruined this whole thing.
Marley shut her eyes, taking a deep breath as she came back down to earth. She swallowed so harshly that she was certain Jess had heard it. Her voice was feeble and small when she asked, "You love me?"
Jess's heart fucking soared. She wasn't questioning it, she didn't sound disgusted, she didn't sound afraid, she was only looking for confirmation. He laughed breathily, nodding his head even though she wasn't looking at him. "Yeah. I do."
Her head rose to meet his eyes and he bit his lip when he saw that she had tears in hers. "Really?" she asked, like she still couldn't believe it.
"I wouldn't lie to you about that, Acosta."
Marley snorted, a watery laugh escaping her lips shortly after. "I... I don't--" She cut herself off, shaking her head. "Why? Why me?"
"The hell do you mean, why you? Why not you?" Jess asked incredulously.
"I'm a mess," she said, looking away from him again. "I overwork myself until I want to die. I don't sleep enough. I'm so neurotic about such stupid things. I'm annoying as shit. I can't handle conflict because I'm a little bitch--"
"I thought you said that was because you're a Libra."
This earned him a half-hearted glare, though Marley chuckled nonetheless. She put her face in her hands. "I just don't..." She shrugged helplessly, wiping at the remaining tears on her cheeks. "I don't think I deserve this. Or you. Or--"
Jess put his hands up, physically unable to believe the things that were coming out of her mouth right now. She thought she didn't deserve him? Him? High school drop out, commitment issues, communication troubles, periodic asshole, him? Was she serious?
He figured his expression told Marley everything that he wanted to say as her expression softened, but he went for it anyway. "Do you hear yourself right now?" he asked. "Do you understand the things that you just said?"
"I do," Marley replied, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Okay. Good. So, you understand that you sound completely delusional right now."
She rolled her eyes. "Jess--"
"I know all of that about you," he said. "I know who you are. And I don't care about that shit. Anything that you think is bad about you is outweighed tenfold by any one thing that's good about you." There was a soft, reserved smile on his lips when he added, "And fuck, Acosta, there are so many things that are good about you."
Marley fought to hide the heat the immediately came to her cheeks, biting the inside of her cheek to suppress a smile as she turned away from him. A shaky breath escaped her, one that faltered even more as he began to move closer to her yet again. She found it harder to breathe as he hesitantly reached out to grab her hand, running his thumb along her knuckles.
Wow. This was happening. They were here again. This time, she wasn't going to fuck it up.
Marley laughed uneasily. "I... I don't know if I'm ever gonna understand that."
Jess chuckled, smiling down at her as she glanced at him. "I'll help you out," he told her. "If you'll let me."
"Yeah?" Marley asked.
"Yeah." He was close now, maybe a little too close, but Marley didn't care. She was nervous now, but not in the way she was when she walked in. This was a good sort of nervous. She'd forgotten that feeling until now. "You told me out there that I was worth it? That all of that buying me a car bullshit was worth it?"
"Because it was."
"I know," he replied. "Well, you're worth it to me, okay? You mean... everything to me, Marley. And you deserve... whatever this is gonna be. You deserve to let yourself take a shot at this."
Marley didn't have time to pause at his words, unsure of the reason why they sounded so familiar to her, because Jess had squeezed her hand and had inadvertently demanded all of her attention. She stared down at them, collecting her thoughts before she looked him in the eye, feeling more confident about this than she had all night.
"You love me," she said, and it was statement this time. No questions about it. Just the fact.
Jess broke out into a small smile. "I do."
Marley nodded. She was expecting to feel the same sort of nervous panic rush through her at his words. But she didn't. She didn't feel anything, really. Just calm. Eerily calm. And that didn't freak her out as much as she thought it would.
Maybe this could work. Maybe it could be right. And, at this point, there was only one way to find out.
So, Marley nodded, dropped his hand, and said, "Good."
And Jess had to stable himself on the back of the couch when she kissed him.
He quickly recovered from his shock, feeling better about this now than when it happened outside. He was nervous last time around, unsure of what she felt, what she was comfortable with, and how she'd react, but right now, there wasn't anything timid about him. He'd just bared his soul. He knew she felt just about the same, even if she hadn't explicitly said anything. This was happening and they weren't afraid anymore.
They found themselves moving toward the kitchen that's steps away, lips never leaving the other, rhythm disrupting momentarily as she guided him against the countertop and the drawers below. Jess grunted as one of the knobs hit his back, obviously not hurt enough not to chase Marley's lips as she pulled away to see if he was alright. She smiled against him as he did so, something stirring in her as his fingers found the belt loops of her jeans and pulled her even closer to him.
She nearly gasped as he turned her around against the counter, making sure that she didn't hit the same spot as he had. Her hands traveled from his neck to his arms, breaking away to catch her breath. Her chest heaved as she inhaled, stuttering as his lips moved to her neck, his breath hot on her skin. He kissed the side of it, making his way up to her ear. She squeezed his arm, breathing only getting harder.
Marley barely registered anything that was going on until he said, "Say it back."
She paused, attempting to form some sort of cohesive thought. "What?" she asked breathlessly.
"Say it--" he paused to kiss the skin below her ear, "--back."
Once Marley finally realized what he was talking about, a coy smile made its way to her lips. He'd been in control so far, might as well have a little fun. "I don't know what you're talking about," she said, the teasing in her tone evident.
Jess nipped at the place he'd been working on her neck, smirking against it as Marley hissed softly. "C'mon," he muttered, touching his forehead to hers. "Open two-way communication is the foundation of love. You gotta say--"
"What..." Marley froze in her spot, lips quirking into a grin as she pushed Jess back from her so she could get a good look at his face. "...did you just say?"
The smile on her face grew as Jess furrowed his brow. "Huh?"
"Open two-way communication," she repeated, holding back a laugh as she was able to finally pinpoint why some of his words had been so familiar tonight. "Where did you hear that?"
Jess went through the five stages of grief right before her eyes. His cheeks went red and he grimaced as he realized what she was getting at. "I don't know, I--"
"Oh, my God," she laughed, holding him in place as he tried to pull away from her. "Oh, my God. No fucking way. You did Luke's Tony Robbins shit."
"No, I didn't," he protested.
"Yes, you did. Because I heard Luke listening to those tapes upstairs when I needed him to sign for something that'd been delivered. It was right before your mom's wedding."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Mariano, I heard that exact phrase when I stood outside Luke's door. I can't believe you did that. It's so not you."
Jess groaned and shut his eyes, knowing he was fighting a losing battle. "I read, like, a couple of pages of the book. That's it. I--"
"Bullshit. Because I heard that 'you're worth it, you mean something to someone, and you deserve love' line another day. You did the experience."
"This could have been a nice moment. I really was enjoying myself over here," Jess told her, attempting to get out of her grip. "You ruined it."
The grin on Marley's face only got wider. "Did you see her face?" she asked, trying to sound as serious as possible.
"Marley," he whined.
"Did you do the workbooks too?"
Jess pouted, giving Marley an answer she never would have expected in a lifetime. "Luke had already filled them out."
Marley burst out laughing, pulling Jess to her and enveloping him in a hug that he couldn't escape from even if he wanted to. He sighed and begrudgingly returned the gesture, wrapping his arms around her shoulders as she laughed into his chest. Despite his gripes with the situation, he couldn't help but let a smile grace his features, and he put his chin on her head.
"I'm sorry," Marley finally said, after she'd calmed down. "I don't wanna laugh at you. It's just really off-brand for you."
"What are you talking about? You always laugh at me," he grumbled into her hair.
Marley chuckled, pulling away from him to look him in the eye. "Yeah, but about, like, other stuff. Not you making an effort to learn about relationships and try to fix things. That's not funny." Jess didn't say anything in response to that. He only tried to shrug it off, but Marley wasn't having it. "Hey. I know it was a long time ago, or whatever, but I'm proud of you for trying that. No matter how stupid you thought it was."
Jess met her eyes. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. I'm serious."
He shifted uncomfortably. "You don't think it's... dorky?"
Marley shook her head. "Oh, no, it's the dorkiest thing you've ever done," she clarified, smiling as Jess rolled his eyes. "But, it's easily one of the hottest."
Jess's demeanor completely changed as she said those words. His brows shot up. "Seriously?"
"Oh, yeah," she nodded, smile growing as his hands met her waist once more. "Guys who are in touch with their emotions? Hot."
He looked at her dubiously. "I genuinely don't think anyone's ever said that."
Marley frowned, going up on her toes to kiss him once more. Jess responded slower this time, but finally moved his lips against hers once he'd finished sulking. He grabbed the sides of her hips as her hands felt around for the counter behind her, helping her lift herself onto it so they'd be at a better angle. She smiled against his lips as he walked between her legs, his one hand running against the top of her thigh.
She honestly didn't know what she was expecting kissing Jess to be like. She hadn't put too much thought into it, her mind often occupied with other things that had proved to be more important in the moment. But, this was the moment. And it was all she could think about.
It should have weirded her out that she and her best friend of almost a decade were sitting on their kitchen counter making out like high schoolers trying to get their last few moments together in before curfew. But it didn't. Everything about it felt right. He felt right.
And he was good at this. It almost made her jealous, thinking about the amount of practice he'd had with other people in order to be as good at it as he was. But, every time his lips touched hers, her jealousy complex got a little bit quieter. He was here now. This was for her now.
Her breathing was heavy when he broke away. Before she could say anything, he was whispering, "You still haven't said it."
Marley sighed unevenly, bringing her hand up to his cheek to run her thumb along his cheekbone, just like she'd done outside. She leaned forward and kissed him softly, purely, forcing herself not to make it go any further than a simple kiss as his grip on her thigh got tighter.
She pulled away, lips quirked upward into a timid smile. "I... uh--" Marley opened her eyes and moved further away from him so she could see him when she spoke. "I... I love you, Jess."
The smile on his face was something that Marley wouldn't have wanted to miss for the world. It wasn't wide or goofy or anything over the top, but it was something so sweet and personal and fold and just so... beautifully him that Marley swore she fell in love with him all over again.
And then he was kissing her again. Like they'd done it millions of times. Like this was normal for them now. His hands made their way up her legs, one settling on her back and the other on her neck. Marley's breath hitched as she felt his ring against her neck again, Jess making a mental note that that was the second time that had happened tonight, filing it away for future use.
Her fingers gripped his jacket, attempting to push it off of his shoulders, but failing miserably. Jess chuckled as she pulled away to focus on it. "Why are you still wearing this? It's hot in here," she muttered. "And it's getting in the way."
"What? You tryin' to get in my pants or something, Acosta?" he asked, kissing along her jaw.
Marley scowled at him, though it did prove to be a bit difficult with his lips attached to her neck once more. "You caught me," she deadpanned.
"Is that why you bought me a car?"
"Is that why you told me that you loved me?"
Jess laughed, moving from her neck to put his forehead on her shoulder, feeling her shoulder move as she chuckled along with him. "That really what you think?"
"I don't know," she hummed. "I think that people are more willing to say I love you to someone they're trying to sleep with than buying them a car."
Jess's brow quirked upward. "You think I'm trying to sleep with you?"
"If you aren't, then you're really leading me on, dude."
Another laugh left him, and he shook his head as he grabbed the sides of her face softly and pressed his lips her forehead. He moved down to her lips, leaving her with a quick, quiet kiss that had her chasing him as he pulled away. "We really doing this?"
Marley glanced around, brow furrowing. "I mean, not here," she said, motioning to the kitchen. "This table's still kinda gross from the party."
Jess's expression went blank. "Yeah, Acosta, you caught me. I'm gonna take you here. Enjoy," he said, without the slightest bit of emotion in his voice.
Marley gaped at him, slapping his chest. "You woo all the girls like this?" she asked.
And then he grinned at her wickedly, one that made her heart stutter and cheeks flare. "Only you."
Marley rolled her eyes despite everything in her body telling him how un-annoyed she truly was and pushed him away from her. She hopped off the counter and glanced over at Bowie, who had just woken up to the sound of her feet hitting the floor. He tiredly blinked at them, looking unamused as ever.
She frowned at the cat, shaking her head at him as Jess grabbed her hand. "Let's go," she said, not taking her eyes of Bowie. "I don't like the fact that he's watching us. I can feel him judging."
Jess let himself be dragged along by Marley. "He's a cat."
"Yeah, and he's very judgemental. He tells me stuff all the time about you. Says that he thinks your old cologne smelt better. And that you should wash the dishes more."
"He said that."
"Hey, his words, not mine. You have an issue, take it up with him."
"Dear God, I kiss you a couple of times and you suddenly turn into my wife."
Marley glared at him as he walked into her room. "Hey. That's my joke."
"Not anymore."
"If you're trying to get some tonight, I can assure you that this isn't the way."
And as Marley shut the door, allowing their little back and forth to continue, unspeakably happy about how fucking natural this felt, Bowie sat on the armchair outside, curling back up into the position he'd been in when she'd entered the apartment. He shut his eyes and began to purr quietly.
Things felt normal. It felt as though some sort of order had been restored. And the world continued to spin.
✧✧✧
author's note: idk about y'all but this was my super bowl
had some major technical difficulties with this chapter, so i'm trying to get this up as quick as possible so it's unedited as fuck yeet
thank you all for reading and thank you again so much for your absolutely unbelievable support. y'all mean the world to me. i hope you enjoyed this one.
love you all tons!
-mags