It had been a while since Zoe had visited Mr. Harris' house and it had been longer for Sawyer. Truthfully, it wasn't easy for Sawyer to look at this place and drown the bitter sight of the abandoned building that used to be a cozy home to him years ago. His heart ached when he looked at the cold building and witnessing how much things had changed. Witnessing what was lost and what could never be back again.
If buildings were people, this one would be sick compared to what it used to be. All of the health was sucked out of it until the skeleton was the only thing that remained.
A few doors and windows were missing. The place was unkempt. The grass had gotten so long you'd think the house was built in the middle of the jungle. Spider webs adorned the dark corners of the walls and ceilings and at times a homeless dog would come and find shelter inside, some other times a drug addict would accompany the dog while getting its usual dose of magical white floor and then happily gazing from the windowless window at the moon.
Who would blame them? The moon looked amazingly beautiful in this place. It looked magical. There was just something about this house, about this whole neighborhood- it made you feel as if you had escaped from the earth and teleported into a magical place, into one of those prosperous villages only happy people lived in with merchant street abounding in people, young, old, dressed in fine dresses and lavish suits, arms wound around each other, the city buzzing from life. Stands filled with pieces of jewelry crafted carefully by the most skillful artisans of other faraway exotic lands, dried leaves of delicious teas deposited in beautiful boxes extremely pleasing to the eyes, cafes, and croissants and stands with pieces of clothing of all colors patiently waiting to be wrapped around women's beautiful naked bodies, magnificent horses with shiny hair and strong muscles carrying in their backs the owners floating around their jaw-dropping possessions. Candies, sweets, and children playing around stopping to salivate at the desserts that caught their eye until someone generous enough bought it for them. And the place was filled with generous people. It looked like it was being isolated by the evilness of the outside world.
And what Zoe liked the most, there were libraries. Libraries looked small from the outside but were an endless maze of shelves filled with books inside. Libraries that were there so long no one could tell when they were built. Libraries where that nice old lady with her beige shawl and warm smile always greeted people when you came inside and that young sweet woman with dimples on her cheeks worked diligently, looking like the happiest and most satisfied person in the world even after abandoning her role and riches as a faraway unknown but wealthy country's princess. Libraries filled with books, and lots and lots of books of all kinds. So many books a lifetime wouldn't be enough to read them all. Libraries with huge windows and lots of light with little noise and with perhaps a secret passage or two, hiding books about magic, about legends of kings who sacrificed their all for a mere commoner woman or about commoner women who became the greatest rulers the world had seen, and books about galaxies and stars and alluring theories and stories about unexplored planets. And books about angels and devils and unrequited love and tragedies. Books about war and peace and hate and love and about human stupidity and how to be a witch and cast spells to disappear through doors that take you to wonderful lands away from people like wizard Howl.
There were no intimidating, gigantic skyscrapers around here. No crowded roads and loud busy centers. The architect who had designed this little magical village could only be one of those people who thought of architecture as a means of breathing, someone who only breathed and lived to have a pencil in between their skillful fingers to draw strict, perfect lines. An Ayn Rand's Roark. Building structures out of fantasies, giving them life, and turning humanity's beliefs upside down.
Every house was different and yet fundamentally similar. Cozy, small, and yet not. Just enough. Magically modern. A perfect product of the happy marriage of breathtaking innovative artistic fantasy and architecture's strict, minimalistic modern school. Perhaps a new way of building on its own. Small, Parisian cafes nestled in between, British libraries filled with books and many good corners to hide and imagine you're in this magical kingdom just having found an enchanted bookstore with all sorts of secrets passageways that may lead you to an adventure worth to become a movie or better yet an exceptional book who might give someone great pleasure in the future, a story that makes people feel warm and tingly and confused.
What's this feeling that's flowing in me? This pleasant feeling hugging me when I read what you've written or see what you've created and become speechless and excited and like it's worth to live in this cruel world just to see more, to read more, to listen more. The sole knowledge that a human like me has created such beautiful art makes me forget all the ugly things of this world, it makes me love humanity once again. It makes me breathe.
And in the center, a small park connected all of the houses with a giant, spectacular fountain you'd only see in the massive personal gardens of history's greatest empires. There, made of stone a mesmerizing woman tirelessly wept, water flowing through her eyes and crashing on the stones holing her up high. She was a nymph. Crafted by talented hands, or perhaps turned into stone by the jealousy of a greek god, weeping for a lost love or her tragic and yet romantic life story.
The sound of her tears crashing on the bed of the fountain was gentle, like rain, soothing- it reminded you where exactly you were.
Sawyer had listened to that sound for hours to no end when he first came here. When he struggled to remain awake and ignore the voices of the ugly monsters dancing around like demons performing an evil, cult ritual, he focused on that mere sound, pressing his body against the cold walls and his face resting against the window so hard the glass window might have broken.
That same sound kept him from going insane. Proved to him he was still leaving and that he was free and in a better place. His safe zone.
Tonight, he had the pleasure of listening to that wonderful sound again. While laying down on the grass on Mr. Harris' spacious backyard next to the woman he cared about the most, he could swear he was floating. His body felt extremely light and relaxed as he looked up at the beautiful sky filled with bright stars, his hand behind his head.
"I thought you'd never come here again." His lover murmured and he closed his eyes briefly.
"Why would you think that?"
"You know... after all that's happened." Zoe chewed on her lips, searching thoroughly for the right words to say.
They were alone and she had the strongest urge to talk. She hadn't felt it before but she did now. They had to talk. No matter how difficult it was.
"I'd not blame you for avoiding this place. It must hurt a lot."
Zoe turned to glance at Sawyer, trying to gauge his reaction, look for the smallest hint of pain in his face but there was none. He was calm, unfazed, and even comfortable.
"Have you heard of Alfred Adler?" Sawyer asked instead.
"He was a doctor."
"And a psychologist," Sawyer added. "He created what's today called individual psychology."
Zoe's lips parted slightly and her heart began to thump at the unexpected direction this conversation had taken. "I haven't heard much of that."
Sawyer chuckled lightly. "That's to be expected. Today's psychology is heavily based on Freud. Most of what you've studied is probably based on Freudian psychology principles."
Zoe remained silent, wishing to listen more to what he had to say. And when Zoe didn't respond Sawyer took it as his cue to continue.
"Freud believed that trauma affects what we become. He said that our past heavily influenced our decisions and choices and the way we act. This way of thinking is called..."
"Etiology." Zoe completed.
"That's right. It focuses on the causes. It tells you that your disorder is a defense mechanism caused by something bad you've experienced in the past. Earlier, you told me that I couldn't come here because of what happened a long time ago."
"Isn't that so?"
Sawyer remained silent for a while before going on. "Adler doesn't think like Freud. He denies trauma."
Zoe's eyes widen and she even rose on her elbows a little so she could look at Sawyer's face. "How? What? And what he thought is even being called psychology? How's that possible? Isn't trauma and what trauma leads to the reason psychology even exists? How can he deny trauma?"
Sawyer's eyes lit up and a small, teasing smile stretched his lips at witnessing his angel all fired up, ready for a fight.
"That's exactly why his school isn't that well known." Sawyer laughed lightly. "He believed that trauma wasn't what led us to do what we did or go through what one's going through. To him, the past didn't matter and no way would the past dictate the future. You could say he was more focused on the present."
"I don't get it." Zoe frowned confused. "That's basically going through every obvious thing psychology has taught us up until now. Trauma changes people. And trauma leads to mental illness. How can he easily deny that?"
"Hm, if that was true every person who'd gone through some sort of trauma in this world would be suffering from some sort of mental illness or unnatural reaction but we know that's not the case. Different people react differently. He believed people react the way they do to something to fulfill a goal."
"What?"
"Freud would say that I have avoided this house because of what I've gone through in the past, right? So in this case, the trauma and the memories are leading to me staying away from this place."
Zoe nodded her head to the perfectly clear and obvious statement.
"Now, Adler would say I'm not avoiding this place thanks to my trauma. He'd tell me avoiding the house is my goal and I'm using what I can to fulfill that."
Zoe blinked and blinked and thought deeply for a while and then shook her head. It made a little sense. She admitted it was a pretty good approach to things but still not good enough to be simply accepted.
"That's harsh."
"It is but if you think of it this way, it is easier to change and heal. All you have to do is change your goal."
"That's ridiculous," Zoe muttered. "If that was true then, then... we wouldn't be the way we are," Zoe whispered and looked down not able to meet his eyes. She felt powerless. It was extremely hard to admit that something was wrong with them in his presence. They had acted completely normal up until today and all of their conversations had been light. They never approached forbidden topics like this. Well maybe until their fight this morning.
"If past trauma really didn't matter then things would be different."
"You mean I wouldn't have haphephobia and you wouldn't self-harm?"
"That's right." Zoe gulped something invisible gripping her throat.
"I've thought about it for a long time but perhaps I'm not like that because of what happened to me in the past. Maybe I'm like that to reach a goal."
"What's your goal?"
"Staying away from people," Sawyer stated. "I don't want to get close to people. I hate people. Not because I'm scared I'll go through the same thing again but because it'll make me vulnerable."
"Well, you've always been an introvert." They chuckled.
"And you? What's your goal?" Sawyer turned to face her for the first time, reaching out to caress her cheek.
"I don't know." I'm not courageous enough to know.
"I can guess."
Zoe's heart stopped and her gaze wavered. "Oh? What is it then?"
"Control." Sawyer simply said, sounding so sure of himself.
"Now you're saying nonsense." Zoe pulled his hand away from her face, looking uncomfortable. She was growing uneasy with each word he was saying.
"Am I really?" Sawyer rose an eyebrow standing up to face her. "You haven't had control over your life and yourself for a long time. That sense of helplessness is what's driving you to do what you do." Sawyer glanced down at her thighs where her mother had burnt her a while ago and then her arms. It was night so the scars weren't that visible but he knew they were there. He'd seen the countless time.
He grabbed her hand, tracing her finger over the new lines she'd made on her writs, trying so hard to control himself, to not rile himself up and show any hint of anger on his face while talking to her now. She was fragile.
She was the strongest woman when battling the world.
But she was as fragile as a piece of glass when in his presence.
He had to be careful. She wasn't running away or shouting or building a wall around them. She was listening and talk. If he wanted to help her, he had to talk too, to say something, to try anything even if what he was saying was a hard pill to swallow.
Something had to change or else they were going to be stuck forever. As puppets of a cruel fate.
"They've hurt you." He murmured, still caressing her hand as if she were a little child he had to calm down, and perhaps in a sense, she was. She was as unstable as a child. "They've done to you all of this and you doing the same things to yourself is your way of gaining control. It's your way of telling them that what they're doing is useless, that you're invisible and nothing they can possibly do may affect or hurt you because you do it to yourself first. That's the only way you can think of to gain control over the situation."
Zoe didn't say a thing. She was deep in thought, her heart aching and running for its life.
Had she really done this? She was confused and lost. She always blamed the situation she was in, always recalled the past when she handled a knife against her skin and cruelly cut it like it was paper.
Had she been using her traumatic past as an excuse for her self harm?
Or her depression? Had she been using it as an excuse to run away? Because she was too scared to take action.
As Adler said, all people can change. Nothing mattered, no past or family environment, or religion, or skin color or gender and ethnicity mattered. Everyone could change. However, changing wasn't easy. If that was the case all people would become the best version of themselves or a completely different person in mere minutes.
People can change and they want to change but they're also terrified of changing. Because changing means unknowing. It is easier to comfortably stay where you are and live in a way where you believe your past will dictate your future. It's not a happy life but it is a comfortable one. Because at least you know what sort of future you'll have. Not knowing what will come is scary.
People can change if they want to believed Adler. But they have to change by themselves. They go by the idea that they cannot possibly do such an arduous task alone. No mental problem was going to get healed by a psychologist if the person didn't take action. A psychologist doesn't make people change or make their mental problems disappear. They're not magicians.
"And what am I supposed to do?" Zoe finally questioned, looking up at Sawyer, eyes burning with defiance.
"I don't know, Zoe. You tell me. What would make you happy?"
"I'm not sure."
"I think you are. You've just given up. Don't you want to get away? Isn't that why you're suicidal?" His voice almost died down at the end, struggling to say it out loud that the woman who meant the world to him wanted to die.
Saying it out loud just made it all the more real but they'd lived in a world of denial way too long.
"You don't want to die what has happened has made you crazy, you want to die because you want to run away. That's how much you hate your life right now."
"And you?" Zoe retorted, curious. "Don't tell me you didn't want to disappear at least once in your life? You've gone through as much as I have."
"That's true. I did think of that lots of times." Sawyer admitted with a small smile, resting his foreheads on hers. "But that was before dad found me and before you."
Zoe's breath hitched and her pupils dilated, looking like precious emeralds. "Not even once?"
"Not once. My goal changed."
I don't deserve this man.
I don't really deserve this man.
Zoe reached up and cupped his face, his starry black hair highlighted in blues thanks to the moonlight, his sharps features enhanced. She felt extremely guilty. And undeserving.
How could someone be so perfect? So precious? How could she feel like this for another person?
She was the ugliest and most selfish person in the world, how could he not see that?
"What's your new goal?"
"Living." He inhaled deeply, leaning into her touch and closing his eyes briefly. "And being with you. You see I've got precious people in my life now. I can't leave. I'd like to see them for a few more years."
"Even Miles?"
Sawyer's lips twitched. "Yes. Even Miles."
The lovers locked eyes and looked at each other for a long time. Beautiful memories flashed before them and for the first time since they met again, they bared themselves to the others, showing their emotions openly. They stripped each other bare of any walls built to keep them safe and embraced each other tightly. Zoe buried her head in his chest, wrapping her arms around him as he laid his chin on top of her head and placing a kiss there.
They fell silent once more just enjoying their company in their safe little house, comfy in their lover's arms, safe, delighted, warm, and at peace. The night was warm, the view was beautiful and there were no monsters to be seen.
"How did you do it? Let go of the past and heal?" Zoe questioned.
"I wouldn't exactly say I've let go..." Sawyer's whole body tensed as he was reluctant to go on. He knew what he was about to say, Zoe wouldn't like it at all. "I'm looking for those men."
Zoe nodded her head at first, her brain a little slow t process what he'd said then when she did, she pulled back from his embrace to glare at her man in a loud gasp. "Sawyer!"
Sawyer flinched, pursuing his lips, looking anywhere but her, acting like a little child preparing himself to get scolded by his parent. "I know, I know but just listen. I can't just let them go and roam around freely. There were other kids there, Zoe. I'm sure of that. I can't f*cking leave the life freely without paying for what they've done, what they're possibly doing right now."
"That's why the police exist."
"I have tried alright. It's been years and there's no f*cking lead yet. It's easier for me to find those men. I'm balls deep in this damned industry already."
Zoe frowned, an unsettling feeling weighing on her chest. Her man was crazy. He was crazy. She couldn't believe he was running after those men.
"Is that why you don't want to quit your job?"
"That and if I do I can't protect you."
Sawyer's whole body relaxed and he pulled Zoe in his arms once again and kissed her forehead to ease her fears. "Nothing will happen to me, I promise. You worry about yourself, lady."
Zoe rolled her eyes. "I'm too lazy to fight you right now so I'll let this go for now. I'll give you time to prepare yourself. You'll need a lot of stamina."
"Thank you for your generosity." He leaned down, his lips brushing her ears and making her shiver. "But I do have a lot of stamina and tension saved right now. How about we skip the argument part and go straight to our make up f*ck?"
"You promised me to look at the stars. Not this!"
"You can look at the stars." Sawyer's hand that was on her waist slowly crept up towards her breast. "While I'm thrusting balls deep in you that is."
Goosebumps rose all over her skin and her cheek flushed her n*pples were hard and aching against the material of her shirt as his hand fondled her breast, but stubbornly remained away from the erected bud.
Didn't that sound nice? Her laying down on her back, the endless star-filled sky displayed before her eyes, hair sprawled all over, her beautiful naked form lighted by the moonlight as he viciously thrusted in her.
She doubted she'd do much stargazing though. No star could be more magnificent than this man, especially when he was naked and sweaty and, veins visible on his strong arms, gorgeous body displayed for her eyes only, hair messily pulled back, strong jaw clenched, and eyes filled with need, desire, want only for her.
Hers. All hers. She wanted to consume him. Possess him. Her need to own this man was so consuming it was frightening. She wanted to be his air. All he could think about.
His.
"I'm not an exhibitionist."
"I'm not one either. I hate the thought of others seeing you."
"I want to quit my job." Zoe declared surprising even herself and Sawyer as well as his whole body still and his hands too. "I hate what I do. Detest it. I'm scared though. I wish I could go back in time and never become what I've become."
Sawyer sighed and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her till her back was pressed against his front, hugging her from behind.
"Your job won't change the way I feel about you, Zoe. So you don't have to feel guilty every time you're being with me, alright?"
Her whole body went lax against and the protest evaporated. He'd noticed that too. All of her worries. Of course, she was entirely bare to him. But still, all of her worries didn't disappear.
"How? I've been with so many..." She trailed off, not being able to say it.
His arms around her tightened.
"I won't say I've never been jealous. I'm a selfish guy, angel. If it was up to me, I'd kidnap you and hide you somewhere so no one could find you or look at you-"
"That'd be nice." Zoe chuckled.
"But I know you had no choice. I know that you hate what you do. My jealousy isn't important when I think about what you have to endure during shooting."
Zoe's heart swelled and she was left speechless once more.
"Since when did you start talking so much?" Zoe teased him to light up the mood.
"I figured staying silent wasn't a good approach when it came to you." Sawyer sighed in exasperation. As expected, talking a lot was bothersome and draining. How did Miles and Iris talk and bicker all day without stopping? Where did they find all that energy?
Should he... perhaps find a job for Iris too? So she was too occupied to cause him headaches? H, the more he thought of it, the more pleasing the idea got.
"I'm impressed. Have you started studying psychology without me knowing?" Zoe arched an eyebrow, glancing at him from behind her shoulder.
"Hell no." Sawyer laughed as if the idea was ridiculous. "Have you forgotten who raised me?"
"Right. You had the great honor of staying with the best damn psychologist in the world 24/7." Zoe grinned.
"You say that like it's a good thing," Sawyer muttered, frowning. "All I heard about all day were psychology facts. I'm surprised dad didn't even present me with a psychological explanation of people taking a sh*t."
"Was it that bad?"
"So bad I even began to recall what happens to my brain when we're about sleep every time I laid down in my damn bed and explain to myself what happened in my mind while I was having a nightmare the next morning. Who the hell does that?"
Sawyer grumbled but he had a tiny smile on his face. Truth to be told, Mr. Harris had explained all those things to him in order to ease his trauma most likely? To help him, to make him see how nightmares got less scary when you know what was causing them and how our brain created them. Before Sawyer knew, he could recite every f*cking phenomenon happening inside his brain when he felt bad, when his bad memories flashed and when his body refused to function properly. To him, that helped. Knowing that all these complex feelings were just some damn things produced by parts of the brain. It took his mind off, made him less emotional and more objective.
Zoe threw her head back and laughed wholeheartedly at her man's adorable annoyed face. "I can clearly imagine Mr. Harris doing that. He probably running around after you talking to himself and you glaring at him silently, telling him to go away with your eyes. How cute."
Sawyer rolled his eyes, a lopsided smile on his face as Zoe wrapped her arms around his neck.
"Who'd have thought you'd be so good at psychology, hm?"
"For your information, I had no choice but to unravel my unwelcomed talent. I had to get to you in some way."
Zoe nodded her head. "I think it was really hot. I love smart men."
"Good to know. I'll make my smartness known more often then."
"Have you ever thought of studying psychology? You're good."
Sawyer's face fell and he scowled. "Hah, me? That was a funny one."
"Why not?"
"Can you imagine me willingly sitting in a chair listening to people complaining and then wasting my breath to give advice?"
She tried and the picture popping up in her head was quite funny.
"You just helped me though."
"That's because it is you." He cupped her cheeks and leaned down so their lips were almost touching. "I'd not mind offering my services to you. Any type of services you can think of, I'm more than willing to serve you, angelface."
"Marry me!"
Sawyer scoffed, pushing her face away with his hand. "Sorry, miss but you lost your chance after ruthlessly breaking my heart."
"Dramatic much? Beside I had a pretty good reason to do so."
"And what was your reason?"
"Your proposal sucked." Zoe blurted out her eyes wide. "There was no ring, no carefully planned dinner and you didn't even get on your knees."
"I've been on you knees for you plenty of ties." He retorted.
And Zoe blushed recalling all of those.
"And there was a ring." He whispered to himself but Zoe clearly heard it her heart stopping.
"What was that?" She asked breathless.
Sawyer's face turned indifferent. "What?"
"What you just said? Say it again!"
"I've been on my-"
"No! Not that! The one after that."
"Nothing." Sawyer lied, avoiding the subject.
"You liar! I heard it! Stop trying to avoid it."
Sawyer sighed, stood up and brushed imaginary dust off his sports pants and Zoe had the luck to see his ravishing body and the impressive boner straining against his pants. Heat ruched straight to her core at the sight, pooling and growing heavier like rain.
"Where are you going?" Her eyes widened when he began to walk away and she was left sitting on the ground perplexed.
"That's enough socializing for me, sweetheart. You can continueto play with my heart tomorrow."
Zoe gasped, her jaw dropping and she was thrown back in time when she followed him everywhere as she saw him nonchalantly leaving.
"Hey!" She stood up, stomping her feet like a kid. "You're leaving just like that? What? Who does that?"
"I do." He called over his shoulder, stuffing his hands in his pockets.
"Sawyer!" Zoe huffed and Sawyer's lips twitched into a smirk. Ah, it had been a while since he'd heard her. "Stop!"
She began to follow him at first with slow steps, her pace getting quicker, her teeth gritting in annoyance and yet excitement bubbling up inside her as she jumped and threw herself on his back and he easily caught her, his big hands looking like they belong in her body, feeling extremely good against her skin as he squeezed her thighs.
"A good boyfriend doesn't leave his woman alone like this on a date."
Sawyer stoped on his tracks, the word echoing on his head over and over again.
He turned his head to the side to look at her pretty face. "I'm your boyfriend?"
Zoe looked baffled by what he just said, as if the question was extremely stupid.
"What else would you be?"
"I... I just... I thought we-"
Zoe smiled genuinely and wrapped her arms around his neck tightly while he carried her on his beck.
"My boyfriend." She confirmed louly, terrified and excited at the same time. "Mine."
The brightest smile a human could possibly master lightws up his face.
"Well, f*ck me!"
"You sure are an unlucky man."
"You're pretty unlucky to have someone like me as a boyfriend."
"Well, seeing as I didn't fall for your bright personality, I think I'll be fine."
"Oh, what made you like me then?"
"You playing extremely hard to get when we were kids. It hurt my pride badly. I vowed to make you my boyfriend and you laughed and told me that's not gonna happen, remember? Well, it happened." She wiggled her eyebrows. "You see I hate to lose."
Sh*t. Sawyer scowled and retreated his hands making her fall down.
"I forgot who you were for a while." Sawyer pinched her cheek. "My little pain in the ass."
Zoe slapped his hand away, her brow twitching in annoyance but however nothing he'd say could erase the great feeling of victory she was experiencing right now.
Little Zoe would be so proud.
Zoe grabbed his hands and entwined their finger together and then stared ahead at the house that used to be their hiding, safe cave. And so did Sawyer.
The past was standing there. A happy past. And they realized that in this life they loathed, in this world they despised filled with humans they passionately hated, they had created happy, beautiful memories and had met wonderful people who grabbed their hands without asking for anything and protected them, gave them love.
Little Zoe was there, sitting on the ground, her head laying against the boy's shoulder as she talked nonstop about what she'd learnt and seen and the boy huffed time to time, rubbing his temples but listening nonetheless.
And then at the door frame of the house, there stood a man, a familiar man with chocolate brown hair and dimples and warm hazel eyes, his arms crossed over his chest while he watched the boy and the girl.
One moment those same eyes turned and landed on Zoe and Sawyer and he resembled a proud father, looking at his kids who had grown so much. Happy and sad at the same time, realizing time had passed, and the days he could keep these precious kids in a bubble away from the world had ended and there was nothing he could do anymore.
Time flies by so soon.
The boy and the girl weren't little kids anymore. They had flown out of their safe nest. The day they'd eventually leave him had come to soon.
But that's okay. Just watching them fro afar was enough.
Zoe sucked in a deep breath and Sawyer tightened his hold on her hand.
"Should we sleep here tonight?" Zoe suggested and Sawyer nodded his head.
"Let's go." He took one step forward first and she followed, walking slowly, extremely slow.
But at least they were walking.
"By the way, you're going to give me my star-gazing f*ck, right?"
Sawyer laughed, swept her in his arms bridal styled and proceeded to make her see stars in all sorts of ways.