I stayed silent for the rest of the boat ride.
John told everyone he needed a 'normal' day after listening to the tape from his dad. By this, he meant no Merchant stuff, which I understood. It had to be hard hearing his voice again.
I couldn't bring myself to listen to it until after the boat ride.
Mr. Routledge talked to me in it. He talked about my parents, how they knew they were going to die. He said people were after all three of them, but never mentioned who. It infuriated me to know they could still be here if it wasn't for this shipwreck. It upset me to know I was actively putting myself into the same danger, and so was John and everyone else.
I didn't know how to deal with it, I've never been good at dealing with emotions in a healthy way. After listening to the tape, I felt as if I opened my mouth everything that I'd bottled up over the years would come spilling out. Like this tape was the last rock thrown at a glass house, the one that caused all the other cracks to connect, and bring the house down.
I was scared about becoming vulnerable, like the child I was, the child who was taken from her parents too early. I remembering staring down at the tape recorder as it clicked off, everyone surrounding me. I felt John place his hand on my shoulder, knowing how hard it was to hear it all.
I remember the sting in my throat as I held back the tsunami of tears threatening to spill from my eyes. I gently moved John's hand off my shoulder, and walked out of the house. I heard them call my name, but the tears that were spilling stopped me from responding.
I had to get out, I had to be alone. I felt like this was all my fault, I came back and confirmed John's suspicions about our parents. I wondered if this whole treasure hunt would've even taken place if I didn't come back. JJ, Pope, and Kie didn't believe it, maybe they could've talked him out of it.
Maybe if I wasn't here, they'd all be safe, and away form the danger that killed John and I's parents.
John continued calling after me as I ran out of the house, begging me to stay. I turned around and gave him a hug. I told him I loved him, but I needed time to process everything by myself, away from everyone. He nodded, understanding, and told me he loved me too, before heading back inside.
I broke down as he left, my emotions finally making their way to the surface. I tugged at the roots of my hair, before turning around and making my way back to my house. Wanting nothing more than to be alone.
"Really, Vienna? That's it?" I heard from behind me. This time though, it wasn't John.
"You don't speak all day. A day that John wanted so that he could feel normal again. Do you know how excited he was to have you back? Someone who he thought was going to support him and understand him, In a way we couldn't. But you went and ruined it."
"I ruined it?" I said, turning around to meet him. His features softened slightly as he looked into my bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks. But he quickly replaced it with his famous emotionless stare, a stare I was all too familiar with. "Last time I checked, JJ, I woke up in a great fucking mood. I was ready to be that person for him. Only to have that ruined by you throwing yourself a fucking pity party!"
He let out a bitter laugh, sticking his tongue against his cheek, looking off the the right and nodding, a wicked smile on his face. "I threw myself a pity party? Is that right? Do you hear yourself?" He says, getting closer to me and narrowing his eyes.
I nodded "I don't know what the fuck I did last night, but nothing I said even remotely warranted the behavior you gave me today." I spoke, surprisingly keeping my composure under his death stare.
"Best friends? Really, Vienna? Is that really how you see me?" He said.
I scoffed, laughing a little in disbelief, "this is all because I joked about you taking his spot? Are you kidding me?"
He stayed silent, but kept his stare on me.
"Look, it was a fucking joke, JJ. I told you not even five minutes before that, that no one has ever replaced John! For seventeen fucking years of my life!" I said, loosing my temper on him, "and this," I motion between me and John's house, "has absolutely nothing to do with you, okay? I already talked to him. He understands I just need space. I'm not leaving him." I clarify, thinking that's why JJ is mad. "I can't be someone's rock when I'm struggling to stay above the surface myself. He gets that. Why can't you respect that, too?"
"Because you don't want to be alone." He says, speaking softly now. "You said it yourself, you need someone too."
"You don't fucking know what I want or need, JJ." I say, shaking my head and turning back toward the road, not letting my guard down.
He grabs my arm, stopping me, "I do, though. I'm just like you. I push people away when really all I want is to fight for someone to stay around when I need it. That one person who doesn't leave because I tell them to. That one person who sees the hurt in me, and instead of ignoring it because I asked them to, wants to fix it instead."
I looked at him, and felt emotions bubbling back up. I shook my head, not allowing myself to become vulnerable to a boy I met only a few weeks ago.
"You don't know me, JJ." I ripped my arm from his grasp, "I just need to be alone." I walked back toward the road, and this time he let me.
"I know that isn't the truth, Enna." He said, before letting his head fall in defeat, walking back inside John B's.
I watched him go, knowing every word he said was right, wondering when that person would come for me.
I found myself silently wishing it was him, but knowing that would never be reality.
___________________
The next few days I spent cooped inside my house.
Sleeping, eating, writing, singing, repeat.
The days flooded together. Sunsets melted into sunrises and breakfasts became dinners.
I found myself eating the first meal of the day now, at 5 pm. I haven't changed since I got back here six days ago.
John came and checked on my two days ago and last night. I'm back to normal now with him. When he first checked on my two days ago, I didn't speak.
But last night, I told him everything. I told him about Sienna and James. I told him how I had no one besides him now. I told him how JJ and I started to get close, but I ruined it, like I always did. I didn't cry though, I kept my walls high and strong as I explained everything to him with a straight face. I didn't want to break down, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I wanted John to finally understand what has lead me to be how I am.
He stayed the night, not having the strength to leave me alone. I mentally thanked him, thinking back to what JJ said, I secretly didn't want to be alone at all.
He told me what the four of them have been up to, their days consisted of movie nights at John's and days out on the boat. He said that JJ told them it wasn't fair to me to continue the hunt for the Merchant without me with them.
I felt a bubble of hope rise in me, silently thinking that maybe he still cared, maybe I didn't ruin it all. Although, I figured I was wrong. It was probably John who told them that, but gave JJ the credit, in attempts to make me feel better.
John left around 2 pm, he came im to check on me earlier in the day but saw I was still in bed. He brought me a glass of water and told me he was going to go back to his house, to check on everyone and that he'd be back tonight.
I finished my meal and went to sit on the couch, attempting to finish a song I'd been working on the past few days I've been in here.
The bright side to all of this was that my head was healed, it was a week since the accident and now all I had was a little bruising in the area I hit. Thank God the splitting headaches were gone, and that I could drink again.
I open my journal and start softly singing the lyrics I had already, trying to remember where I left off.
"All of this silence and patience, pining in anticipation
My hands are shaking from holding back from you.
All of this silence and patience, pining and desperately waiting,
My hands are shaking from holding back from all this,
Say my name and everything just stops.
I don't want you like a best friend."
I sigh, and stop strumming the guitar, annoyed that that's all I have for a chorus after six days.
I move to the next section of lyrics I have.
"Flashback when you met me
You're callous, I'm naive
Even in my worst times, you could see the best of me.
Flashback to my mistakes,
My rebounds, my earthquakes,
Even in my worst lies, you saw the truth of me."
I sigh again. I had both a partial chorus and bridge that I was proud of, but I knew a lot was missing from this. I couldn't find the verses or the correct words to finish what I had, no matter how desperately I tried. Nothing captured the right emotions.
I told myself this song didn't mean anything, it was just a way to let my feelings out, but I knew exactly what it meant. I was just scared to admit it to myself.
I hear the front door open and stand up from my spot on the couch, making my way up to greet John, closing my journal, but leaving it on the coffee table.
"Hey, John." I greet, looking at the entrance.
"Don't hate me," he speaks, making his way inside more. I see he's brought JJ with him, who trails behind him, handing his head to avoid eye contact. "I think you two need to do a little talking" he says, before quickly moving behind JJ, pushing him farther into the house, shutting the door.
"John B, what the fuck, dude! I didn't agree to this!" JJ says, slamming his fists against the door.
I walk in front of him, shaking my head at John's failed plan.
"The door locks from the inside, idiots." I say, going to open the door. But when I do, something catches it, prohibiting me from opening it.
"That's why I put padlocks on every door earlier!" John calls from the other side. "I'll be back tomorrow morning, you two better make up. But not too much, separate rooms tonight please!" He calls out, making his way down the stairs. "I mean it, JJ!" He yells one last time before I hear the van start up and drive away. I slam my fist against the door in aggravation.
I turn to find JJ is no longer behind me, so I make my way inside the house and find him in the kitchen. I lean against the wall, staring him down with my arms cross over my chest.
"At least you have better food than John B." He says, with his head inside the fridge.sensing my presence.
I sigh and start to make my way upstairs, deciding I'm not going to give John the satisfaction of this working. I've locked myself in my room for the past week, what makes him think I can't go another night.
Just as I'm finally settling down my stomach drops and my eyes shoot open.
The journal.
I left the fucking journal with the fucking song about fucking JJ in the middle of the fucking room.
"Fuck." I curse, running my hands down my face. I quickly get out of bed and throw on a pair of sweats, not caring that I'm only in a sports bra. He's seen me in a bikini, it's really not different, I figure.
I make my way down the stairs, to find him on the couch opposite my journal. When I walk over I find the journal, still closed.
I pick it up, avoiding the awkward eye contact.
"You know I thought about reading it," he admits, "but I knew that wouldn't get us anywhere."
I ignore him, making my way back toward the stairs.
"Vienna, get your ass back over here. We have some talking to do."
I roll my eyes at him, before thinking back to the other night. I asked him to stay when he tried to storm out on me. He probably feels the same way I did, he just has a different way of asking.
I walk back into the room, and take a seat across from him. I stay silent and let him speak up first, since he asked me to come back in the first place.
"Look, I'm sorry, okay? Is that what you want to hear?"
I scoff at him, "Is that really how you're going to apologize?"
"I told you I'm not good at apologizing." He admits, repeating what he said the second day I knew him, when he asked to stay here.
"Then don't apologize, JJ. It really isn't a big deal. And if you don't mean it I don't want to hear it." I say, standing up, "You had no right following me out the other night. You don't know what this is like at all. It isn't fucking easy. You don't know what I've gone through." I say, tears brimming my eyes as I point a figure at him, accusingly.
"No I don't, and yes, I was wrong to yell at you. Trust me, John's already lectured me about it. And I am truly sorry." He says, standing up, letting out a loud exhale. "But look at you, babe, you need someone here. I know you do."
"What?" I say, stomach dropping at the name.
"What?" He says, confused.
"What did you just call me?"
"What?" He asks again, furrowing his eyebrows.
It just slipped out, I tell myself. He's just trying to comfort you.
"Never mind." I say, shaking my head at him, walking away.
"Enna, please." He says, grabbing my wrist like he did the other night, "please let me help you. It hurts me to see you hurt. It hurts John B even more. It hurts all of us to know that you're stuck in here, forcing yourself to suffer alone." He says, rubbing the back of my hand that he's now holding. "Please, don't push me away. You have us now. You don't need to fight your battles alone anymore, Enna. Please, let me be here." He says gently.
I crash myself into his chest, instantly sobbing. I can't hold back my emotions any longer, I let them all out. I know my tears and snot are staining his shirt, but in the moment I don't care.
It feels good to finally let it out. To finally have someone fight to stick around and let me fall apart.
I pray he'll stick around to pick up my pieces after I do.
"Shhh, it's okay, V." He consoles, placing his chin on the top of my head as I continue to sob, he rubs my back and whispers little things in attempt to calm me down. He holds me like that for a while.
Slowly I calm down, but don't dare to move from his hold. Afraid that when I do, I won't have the strength to hold up my own body weight.
He taps the back of my thighs, "up." He instructs gently, reading my mind. I put my arms around his neck and pull myself up, he catches my thighs and starts walking toward the stairs.
I don't care what he's doing and I don't care where he takes me. I continue to keep my face pressed into him, softly sobbing.
I feel him lay me back in bed, letting go. As soon as his body is no longer in contact with mine, I feel even more broken and instantly colder. He sits next to me on the bed.
"I'll leave you alone, V." He says, thinking that's what I want, because that has been what I've told everyone for the past week. "Yell if you need anything."
I nod, not being able to find words right now. Tears silently spill from my eyes as I hold back sobs. He nods back, sending me a tight-lipped smile. Before turning toward to door.
"JJ" I say hoarsely, barely getting it out. He stops in the door frame, turning around and leaning into it, looking at me. "Please don't leave me." I say.
As soon as the words leave my mouth, my face returns to a frown. My eyebrows lower and I feel tears resurfacing. JJ instantly leaves the door frame, and pulls me back into his arms.
"Of course. I'll stay as long as you need me to, babe." He speaks gently. He keeps me in his arms as he moves the covers up and over our bodies. I ignore the name again, too caught up in everything else happening to comment on him using it again. I figure he's only doing it to comfort me.
He sits up and disconnects our bodies. In one swift motion he removes he shirt, letting his gold necklace dangle freely against his bare skin. If I wasn't in the state I were currently in, I'd probably swoon over him doing this. But instead, as he lays back, I find myself grasping back onto his body, not caring if he's in a shirt or not, just relying on him to hold me as I weep.
To be my rock.
He lays on his back, with one arm under his head supporting his neck. I lay on his chest, softly sobbing as his free hand rubs my back.
We stay like this until I find myself drifting off to sleep.
_____