Phoemix abandoned himself at his desk in an air of general discontent that left an invisible dark aura around him. His companions tried to intercede but, after having dismissed them, Phoenix put on the headphones with the music at a splitting volume, to prevent himself from thinking, and began to study the lesson explained just before under the astonished gaze of his neighbors.
He wasn't a genius, Phoenix knew that. He was not like Miles and for this he had to work harder than anyone to succeed in his intent.
Phoenix lost his thoughts among the rows of words printed in the book. After several years they were finally freeing themselves from that maniac of the father. Sure, Phoenix expected tough times, but he was going to make it. He had already found a small part-time job and then, in a few years, he would have a respectable lawyer job with which to live and support even his poor, fragile mother.
He only broke off when the end-of-interval bell drowned out the sound of his music. He put the phone away, diligent but still downcast and, as the professor began to explain, he pulled out his sketch pad to run some small errands. He had opened a small site where people asked him for drawings and he sold them. He also did it at fairs, he didn't earn too much but it was enough to do some shopping and to support himself.
Miles returned to class after a few minutes, to give everyone the impression that he had eaten. Not that anyone actually cared about him. Nobody there paid any attention to what he was doing. As he entered he saw Phoenix, bent over the books. He didn't remember him so studious.
He went in his place, not looking at him again, his fingers tapping his pants seven times each.
Did Phoenix still draw? Did Larry still enjoy playing football and watching summer afternoons? And above all, why if he was asking?
"You don't have to ask yourself anything, Miles. You just have to study, and thank me if you don't stay in a filthy family home." Those were the words of his stepfather. And he, silent, obeyed that omnipresent man in his mind.
****
Phoenix let the school day slip through his fingers. He took advantage of all the empty times to study as much as possible, the rest would continue in the evening after dinner. His hands smeared with graphite, he stood up, quickly loading his backpack on his shoulder.
Miles couldn't help but look at him.
The other noticed it and he pretended not to have done it intentionally. He had had his chance to greet him, to get closer. He had wasted it, rejected it. She had made the decision to stay away from him.
Phoenix squared his shoulders, annoyed at being ignored.
Well, if he had decided that business of him! He hurriedly headed for the door, walking past him but treating him as if he were transparent.
"Call him back. Tell him something. Tell him how much you missed him. Tell him it was clutching your keychain that you put up with your stepfather. Tell him how much you hoped, for years, to find him. Tell him how much you cried when the dog died. Run by. him. Begging him to hug you because you can't. Say something, whatever, but don't let it go like that. "
But of course, Miles couldn't do any of those things.
****
Larry had already dated other classmates and he couldn't wait for him. He was in a bad mood all the way from school to work. Phoenix had taken a job in a bookstore. A well-organized job that occasionally allowed him to peek a few paragraphs from school books and carry on.
He leaned against the green gate waiting to see Frankiska's little head of fair hair. He saw her coming, followed by a group of girlfriends hanging from her lips.
-Ziska! All right I presume? -
"Sure," she said with a big smile. She was already a small leader.
-I'm proud of you, sister. Between us, you're the best with friendships-
-I bet you went very badly- she guessed. -You will have incinerated anyone who dared to greet you. I bet, fool brother! -
Miles didn't answer.
When Phoenix arrived at his workplace they had him put in a uniform a little too small for his body which was already beginning to be the well grown one of an adult. As they explained what he had to do, he saw the familiar figure of Miles pass by the windows, followed by a young girl.
-When will you stop stopping in front of the bookstores, brother? - Ziska asked exasperated, watching his brother slowing down.
- I'm not ... just a look. Please. -
-I could tell dad-
-So let's go away.-
-No!- She stopped him. -If you care so much, let's go in for a few minutes ... I won't tell him. You know that I won't, you fool.-
- Promised? -
-Yup-
And then they entered. He held her hand, but she moved away. -I'm not that small, stupid! -
Phoenix had just begun to order the shelves when a little girl's voice made him turn. She saw them both.
He was sure that if he showed up Miles would be gone, so he cleverly hid behind a shelf.
Miles ran his fingers over the books. He brushed the ribs with his long pale fingers.
-You want them all, right? -
-Do not joke, Franziska. You know we can't take any. Your father would kill us.-
-You never call him father, too- she noted, sadly.
-How could I, Ziska? With you he is almost human, with me...-
She looked away. -You don't understand nothing. I am his daughter. With me it's even worse. -
-It's not true.-
-You can't know.-
Phoenix knew eavesdropping was wrong, but with that girl Miles used an almost sweet tone that reminded him of his old friend. A strong sense of nostalgia seized him and with a heart full of longing he just admired the two brothers from afar.
-You're a fool! - Ziska repeated again. She was petite, but when she was so angry she was Miles who felt short. -Things can happen in front of your nose, and you ... you wouldn't even notice! -
He looked at her, bewildered. He was sniffing the pages of a beautiful blue-covered book, a book with strange symbols on the cover. A kay, a sword, a bee. How much he would have liked to read it...
-What are you talking about, Ziska? -
Phoenix began to arrange the books again, listening carefully to the words of the two.
-You wouldn't understand anyway. You never understand anything .- she complained, looking around angrily.
-You can only read ... that's all you can do ... people, however, you can't read them ...-
Miles felt his heart tighten.
-Ziska...-
-Forget it. Are we leaving or do you take that book? -
He realized he was still holding it. He put it down immediately.
-Apologize. I'm coming.-
Phoenix caught a hint in the thin little girl's eyes. Beyond her anger and brazenness, he recognized the familiar tinge of pain he saw on his mother right after her monster beat her. The same shade he recognized in his eyes when he looked in the mirror. And as much as he had a hard skin about her, he liked her. He knew what she was talking about.
-You think you are the only person who is sick in this world, but that's not the case. But you are the only one who chooses to suffocate the heart as a solution. You're killing yourself, Miles ... and then, what do you do...-
-Shut up! I do nothing! -
-Yes instead, I know very well, I've seen you when...-
-You don't know what you're talking about. Don't talk anymore about it.-
Phoenix pricked his ears carefully. Then he noticed a blue handkerchief lying on the floor next to the bookcase. He went to pick up where Miles and the girl used to be. It was an unusual, very high quality monogrammed cloth handkerchief. FVK. He held it in her hands, undecided, then followed them towards the entrance.
-Sorry miss- he tried to be as professional as possible and pretend that Miles didn't exist.
-Your handkerchief fell off- he said, handing it to him politely.
Miles turned, the same instant her sister turned.
-Oh... Phoenix. Hi.-
How long had he been there? Had he listened to them? And with what right?
Well, he had the right to stay in that place. He wore a uniform, evidently he worked there. He envied him: he too would have liked to work among books. He would have paid gold for such a chance. While the one who had once been his friend was handing the handkerchief to her sister, he couldn't help but notice how tight his uniform was. It clung to his chest, where the forms of a young man began to be evident, and even the slender shapely legs were clearly visible. He had grown a little taller than him. In elementary school, Phoenix came just over his shoulder. For some reason, all those details attracted him. And then it struck him as an absurd thought.
Phoenix noticed from the corner of the eye Miles' gaze on him. He surely seemed ridiculous to him, with his wrong-sized uniform, considering that Miles also lived in a wealthy family. He blushed slightly.
Miles didn't know what to say, not least because the only things he really thought seemed odd and out of place, and it even seemed absurd to have occurred to him.
-You are ... lucky to work in a bookstore. And the blue, you... well, you look good in that colour.-
Here, that was one thing not to say, but it had escaped him. Why did he have a strange effect on him?
Because I haven't seen him in so long, s
he told herself.
He clenched his fingers in his fists, repeating the gesture three times on each hand.
Phoenix turned to look puzzled. It was a compliment? But hadn't he treated him badly until a few hours ago? He remained with the handkerchief held out towards the girl
-I wouldn't end up lucky but thanks- he replied calmly.
He grabbed his sister by the wrist. -Come Ziska, let's go-
-I arrive, I arrive- she said, snorting, the handkerchief clutched in one hand.
-Do you know him, that guy?- She asked him in a low voice.
-He is a nice guy. He seemed to be wearing his little cousin's uniform, but it didn't look bad ...- she said.
-Don't always be so mischievous, Fran! -
-Hey hey, it wasn't ME who was eating him with my eyes...-
Miles felt his ears ablaze.
-Franziska! You don't have to tell these things, even as a joke! - he scolded her.
Really? Had he looked at him without restraint?
-Do you know what your father thinks about these kind of thoughts.
They stayed in silence for a bit.
-I don't want to go home- she complained.
-Me neither- Miles said, shaking her hand.
-Our father is not there -
Your father, Miles thought, again.
-No, it seems not- he confirmed, advancing into the empty house.
-Do we eat something? - she suggested. He nodded.
They lived in a huge and incredibly spacious, but always cold, house.
Franzoska, for a short time when Miles had just arrived, had had a crush on him. Now he no longer had it, for her he was like a real brother. But she would have liked to understand him more...
~~~
Phoenix sighed, puzzled by the strange behavior of the two. After a few seconds he went back to work. He didn't really want to be scolded.
As he went back to arranging the books he couldn't help but fantasize. Miles had given him such an intense look ... he blushed slightly at the thought. He almost seemed to want to undress him with his eyes. The thought made him feel warm and his heart started racing in his chest, to the point where he had to stop and take a deep breath.
God, if the others had known of his reaction they would have teased him until the end of the world.