A/N
tpwk harold🙄🤚
TW// self harm, suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, abuse, depression
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HARRYS POV:
"you werent supposed to read that you know" my head turned to my right as fast as it could.
louis.
"hi love" his voice sound hoarse. i couldnt bring myself to speak, all i could do was hit the red button next to the bed.
"im here every- oh louis youre up" the nurse smiled walking closer to us "see harry, i told you it wouldnt take long"
she walked over to louis' bed check to see how he was. "how do you feel?"
"ive been better" he sighed looking away from the nurse and back to me.
"alright, im going to change your bandages and unhook a few wires and let you two get some rest. the doctors will be by in the morning" we both nodded, louis tightening his grip on my hand went he saw how bad is scars were.
they were healing slower than usual, but they looked healthy. "right night boys" she smiled walking out if the room closing the lights.
"still weren't supposed to read that you know" he smiled at me "but now you know everything"
we sat in silence, i couldnt make eye contact with louis. i tried but i couldnt. "haz? whats-" he cut himself off taking his hand away from mine.
i looked down at the cold air around my hand. i finally made eye contact with him.
i love you
i love you too
"come here, we will talk in the morning" he whispered rubbing his eyes then holding his arms out.
i didnt even hesitate, i climbed into the hospital bed carefully, louis' thin arms wrapping around me. "im alright, your alright, were alright" he stroked my hair.
ive missed this... ive missed him
"happy valentines day" he whispered staring at the calendar on the wall with all the dates crossed out. "i love you" was the last thing i heard before going to bed.
***
"wait till hes up- he has had a long night" i heard louis whisper.
"you arent worried about the fact youve been in a coma for a week?" another voice spoke.
"i mean sure, i guess but he comes before anyone else."
"louis- you cant seriously still put someone else... even him before you"
"but its harry, my hazza... he comes before every single person in the world. maybe i can put myself seco-"
"first" the other voice spoke
"second" he back panned, his hand tracing my anchor tattoo. i tugged oh his hospital gown letting him know im up. "mornin' baby" he cooed.
i lifted my head being greeted by a man whom i had seen about a few times. "hello harry how are you today? im doctor jones, you can call me steve"
i looked over to louis, feeling tears overwhelm my eyes. "he uh, he can- wont? cant? uh speak"
"right right, im sorry" he sighed "i will be back in an hour to explain everything. give you two some time, he hasnt left your side once" he walked out of the room.
i felt louis' eyes on me. "not once? hazza its been a week..." he looked a little sad as he pulled me back in his arms.
i felt a tear drop fall from my face and onto louis' hospital gown. "love dont cry, im right here" i shook my head nuzzling into his neck.
"louis" i heard fiz' voice speak. "youre up" you could hear the happy tears take over.
"hey" he smiled back. i heard other people shuffle into the room, i was too tired to say hi well you know.
"hey kid, how are you?" marks deep voice filled the room.
"been better, hi munchkins"
i looked over to where everyone was standing, his entire family standing or sitting around the room. a few of them- well only fizzy to be exact. "hey dont be scared, im okay now"
the twins gulped nodding, slowly walking over to the bed taking his hand. i finally got off the bed, out of louis' embrace. i didnt look to anyone i just walked out of the room.
i walked out of the room for the first time that week, i couldnt go to the bathroom in the room, they would ask too many questions.
i walked down the hall straight to the bathroom, locking myself in the stall. i pressed my back against the wall sliding down till my bum hit the floor.
hes up, hes okay, hes alright
i thought to myself over and over. but it didnt stop me from crying, it didnt stop me from rocking myself back n forth for what felt like days.
"sir harold?" a small soft voice approached the stall door. "why are you crying?"
i didnt get up but i managed to unlocked the stall door. with it revealing a small phoebe whom had a little pout to her face. "why you sad?" she asked sitting down crossed legged in front of me.
"is it boobear?" she gasped "did he do something? was he being mean? again?" the question kept coming out like a water fountain.
she paused after a while, she was a bit blurry since there were tears glazing my eyes. but i could tell she was examining my face.
she removed my hands from my knees, pushing my knees to the floor backing my legs stick out straight. she crawled into my lap hugging me as tight as she could.
"hes okay, hes getting help. daddy said he would- daddy never lies to us... anymore." she spoke into my ear. "he does it for you, everything... everything for you"
she sounds so grown up it was insane. "hes strong, like you-"
"phee? you in here?" marks voice asked.
"yeah" she sighed pulling away from our long hug, turning her head around to see her dad "a certain louis has requested to see you" he smiled.
she looked at me and back at her father. she happily obliged to go see her brother, but not before giving me one last hug.
"hey harry" mark sighed sitting in front of me on the ground, his back against the other side of the stall. i sat crosses legged, tears in my eyes, picking at my long over due blue and black nail polish.
"listen kid, i know you arent the biggest fan of me. im not exactly the biggest fan of myself. but... that doesnt stop you from coming to me for anything okay?" i nodded.
we both sat there for a good while, staring at the ceiling, my tears never leaving my eyes. "hes a fighter, tough one to be fair and im not talking about his football games. i mean he is fucking good at footie, i can tell you that much" mark let out a laugh.
"this whole situation, i know im the one who caused it. i cant take it back, i really wish i could. two fucking years of taking my anger out on him. being drunk isnt even an excuse. i knew i was an angry, abusive drunk. its why i never really drank too much. yet i turned to alcohol when she passed, one drink and i was gone..."
he took a deep breath still staring at the ceiling. "she was the love of my life, always will be. she was gone, and all i could do was run- well you know... punch the shit out of my own son. i left him responsible with four kids. i knew at the back of my head what i was doing but i couldnt stop. i knew what i did to him- i remember calling him and excuse my language a fag at least once- i drove him to killing himself at one point... i saw the rope in his room, immediately throwing it away before he could get a chance."
i stared right at him. this mark here- he is the mark i like. not that other mark who made louis was to die. "i saw the cuts on his arms... i never stopped them. i saw him getting thinner and thinner, i still never said anything. my god i was- still am an absolute dick."
i couldnt take my eyes away from him, i had never seen him cry before. "you saved him, you really did. ive never seen him this happy around anyone before. i saw the way you two were on his birthday, the way you handle him with his food. anytime he finished a meal or ate as much as he could you always expressed how proud you are of him- you know he sent me that uh big brother essay he wrote. he told me you read it, he also told me he was waiting for a special day to read it to you... i uh im not sure what he meant by it though"
special day?
he thinking of something
no shit- what day?
you think we know?
"sorry for telling you my life story, uhm... the boys and maya are going to be here soon. along with your mother. i think you and louis need some time alone"
i nodded my head silently thanking him. we wenr back down the hall. i saw louis saying bye to all the girls. im guessing the doctor came him since he was standing up and in some joggers and a shirt. my clothes to be fair.
"alright i will see you girls soon alright?"
"tomorrow?" daisy said
"if mark or someone can bring you here then of course loves" he smiled giving them each a final hug before they all bid their goodbyes and left.
"oh come here curly" he smiled gently pulling me into his arms. "hey im getting put into a program, im gonna be better"
ive missed hearing his voice, ive missed feeling his touch. i felt him lift my chin pressing a soft gentle kiss into my lips. ive missed his lips as well.
he pulled away looking sad. i gave him a confused look as laid back on the hospital bed. "im sorry baby, i never meant to lie to you... truth is i purged for weeks. everyday for weeks, i was going to tell you-"
i walked over to him cutting off whatever speak he was about to give me with a kiss. "shut up" i whispered.
"i know i shouldn- hey you spoke"
"yeah.." i couldnt speak above a whisper. but atleast i could finally speak again.
"i promise im going to get better, the doctors can help they will help"
"i love you" i mumbled
"i love you too" he smiled. "you gonna tell me why you read my essay?" he teased sitting up, pulling me onto his lap.
he felt small, smaller than usual. hes getting help though. "i- uh, i needed-"
"didnt know where to start eh?"
i nodded at his answer "you mad?"
he let out a light laugh "could never be mad you at" he give me a kiss on the top of my head before the doctor came in again.
"hate to ruin your moment but i only have five minutes to explain why im here" our heads both turned over to the doctor. "shoot" louis said.
"right so, louis you are clearly stable enough to go home. but we want to keep you here for a few more days. but we think its best if you go to an ED clinic"
"a day program or?"
"it can be a day program, they have one just outside of london that can help you graduate. like you will still learn."
"so its a normal school day just as an ED clinic?"
"exactly that, myself along with your family think its for the best"
louis looked at me smiling then back at the doctor still smiling "when does it start?"
"we could get you in about a week the earliest"
"theres no waiting list?"
"no, most people dont go to the day programs"
"alright, then yeah ill go" he shrug "i want to get better"
"im very happy-" beep beep beep "im sorry i have to go. im just very happy you are open to this" he explained running out of the room.
"right we have an hour till the boys arrive, movie?" lou offered. i nodded my head, lottie mustve told him they were coming.
"do they know im up?"
"not sure" i nuzzled my head into his neck never wanting to let go.
"baby, im alright yeah?" i nodded knowingly.
yeah hes alright, i know he is. its just terrifying you know? we started watching the notebook (yes again). not even an hour in louis spoke "lottie left you her guitar by the way, any clue why?"
i looked up from my laptop and over to the corner of the room. there was a note next to it that fell on the floor. i got out of louis' embrace and walked over picking up the note
play it for him, you know which one... -lottie xx
i sighed staring at it "love you alright?" he asked. "yeah" i nodded. i thought about it before taking a deep breath and picking up the instrument.
louis sat up in the bed furrowing his eyebrows. i went to my notebook, flipped through the pages finding exactly which song lottie was talking about.
i would play one of my other songs but its too long and the boys would be here soon. its not like i want them hearing anything.
i took a deep breath, sat down on the chair and started gliding the guitar pic over the strings.
"your hand fits in mine like its made just for me
but bear this in mind, it was meant to be
and im joining up the dots, with the freckled on your cheeks
and it all makes sense to me"
i looked up at him, he looked proud? i think...
"i know youve never loved
the crinkles by your eyes when you smile
youve never loved your stomach or your thighs
the dimples in your back at the back at the bottom of your spine
but i'll love them endlessly"
i noticed how he hitched his breath, when i mentioned his stomach and thighs, i felt bad. i wanted to stop singing but he looked really into it.
"i wont let these things slip out of my mouth
but if i do, its you
oh its you they add up to
im in love with you
and all these little things"
his eyes lit up, the smile on his face was soft
"you cant go to bed without a cup of tea
and maybe thats the reason you talk in your sleep
and all those conversations are the secrets that i keep
though is makes no sense to me"
i looked back down to the guitar not wanting him to see me tear up.
"i know youve never loved the sound of your voice on tape
you never want to know how much you way
you still have to squeeze into your jeans
but youre perfect to me"
i cringed singing the second to last line, it was sadly true. he would buy the smallest sized jeans.
"i wont let these little things slip out of my mouth
but if its truth, its you
its you they add up to
im in love with you
and all these little things"
i felt the door open, but ignored who ever it was
"youll never love yourself half as much as i love you
and youll never treat yourself right darling, but i want you to
if i let you know im here for you
maybe youll love yourself like i- love you, ohhh"
i looked back up to see louis staring right at me also ignoring who ever was behind me. most likely the boys and maya
"and ive just let these little things slip out of my mouth
cause it you, oh its you
its you they add up too
im in love you and all these little things."
i heard the door finally closed.
"i wont let these little things slip out of my mouth
but if its true, its you,
its you, they add up to
im in love with lou
and all his little things"
"i fucking love you hazza" he smiled
"i love you lou" i whispered as he got up to kiss me. we finally turned around.
my eyes met with troy.
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A/N:
lmao im so sorry-
uhm...
i love you and all your little things?
i mean i do-
anygays... longer chapter!
bye🤸