The sun rises and I haven't had even a minute of sleep. I stayed up all night thinking about Draco's letter to me. Trying to figure out the pros and cons of meeting up with him. Every scenario in my head has been run through and they end all poorly.
What I can't seem to wrap my head around is why he would want to talk to me? What is it that is so important that I am the only person he can talk to? That is the one thought that I can't seem to escape. It is also the most tempting thought.
I hear a knock on my door and I see my father enter in my room with tea in his hand.
"Merry Christmas sweetheart." he says with a gentle voice.
"Merry Christmas father." I smile up at him as I sit myself up on my bed, taking the tea from his hands as he sits on the bed with me.
"I wanted to wake you first. How did you sleep?"
"Fine, is everything alright?" I am a little concerned.
"Yes, I just wanted to talk about you going back to school. You know I have my worries.." His eyes fall from mine.
I grab his hand lightly and look up at him, "Father, please, there is no reason to be worried. Nothing can happen to me as long as Dumbledore lives. And to be honest, he has done a pretty good job at that." I give off a small laugh to try and lighten the mood.
"I know, but Olivia, I won't be able to protect you if something were to happen. That is the hardest part." His tone is genuine with worry behind it.
"Father," this time I make sure he is looking at me before I continue, "I don't need your protection. I'm not a child anymore. I love you and I promise you will not lose me." He doesn't respond, he gives me a nod before ending the conversation with a weak smile. I am not sure if I have fully convinced him yet, but I am too tired to keep talking about this.
"Lets go get Aunt Melonie and Louis up, let's have a good Christmas." I say as I pull the sheets off of me. My father nods and follows me to Melonie's room to wake her and her new husband.
All morning, I find myself distracted by Dracos letter. I keep going back and forth on what I am going to do. During breakfast I was for sure not going. During our stroll later that day, I was for sure going. And about twenty minutes ago I was for sure not going. Now I am back in the loop of being indecisive.
We all sit at the dining room table playing cards as Melonie starts cooking dinner.
"Melonie, I have a question." I say looking at my cards trying to figure out my next move.
"Yes dear?" she asks with her back turned towards me.
"Would you ever..take a risk on something even if you don't know what the outcome will be?" I keep my eyes on my cards and place a couple down on the table waiting for my fathers next move.
"Well..." she turns to face me wiping her hands on her apron, "that depends."
"On what exactly?" I turn my head towards her.
"On how much it matters to me." Her face furrows, "Are we talking about anything specific dear?" She questions.
"No, just curious." I simply respond as my father lays down his cards.
"Well in that case, if that something or someone was important to me," I turn to look in her eyes, "then I would always take the risk." She looks at me as if she is trying to read my mind.
"Agreed! Always take risks for the people you love Olivia." My father cuts in. Although he barely looks like he is even listening to the conversation with his brows furrowed looking at the cards Louis just placed on the table.
"Even if that something has let you down already, even if it's something you don't want to see again..?" This question was a little more risky. I can tell Melonie is slowly trying to decipher what my questions truly are intended for.
She takes a deep sigh, "it wouldn't be a risk if it hadn't let you down already now would it?"
I choose not to respond. I don't want to keep pushing just to have them all figure out about my secret meeting later. I can feel Melonie's stare on me as I keep playing cards.
The rest of the night was spent playing more card games. Aunt Melonie got bored with our version of cards and decided to put money down to make the stakes higher. They all let me win as a "Christmas gift". We had our dinner that Melonie made for us, it was just as good as food at school. It made me feel a little less anxious about what may happen tonight.
"Alright, as fun as you all are. I think it is time for me to get some sleep." Melonie says standing from our couch.
"Me too." My voice shakes as I speak. My father kisses me on the forehead as I say goodnight to everyone. I follow Melonie and Louis up the stairs to our rooms.
"Olivia, a moment?" She asks me before I step inside my room. I turn to her with wondering eyes.
"Is everything alright?" Her voice is hushed as Louis walks into their room.
"Of course. You have nothing to worry about." I say trying to act as natural as possible. I can tell she doesn't fully believe me, but she nods it off. "Goodnight Aunt Melaine. I will see you in the morning." I give her a small smile before walking into my room.
As soon as I close my door, I start to pace around my room. I still try to pass the pros and cons around in my head to figure out the best move. If I go, I could figure out some questions I have been wanting to get answered. He could also be in serious trouble. If I don't go, then..then I don't have to see him. I don't have to look into his eyes and hear his pity story of why he needs me so bad.
As the sky gets darker I know I have to make my decision soon. I stop pacing and sit on my bed with a heavy heart. My mind is running too fast for my body. My eyes fall to the floor to see the images of Draco and I sitting in the box. I look at the pictures and know what is best to do. Fuck you Draco Malfoy.
I grab a small bag and grab a few things I may need for traveling at night. Bridges Square isn't far from my home. About two miles up the road. I am surprised Draco remembered me talking about it last year when we were in his room. I had wanted to show him the Square when he came for Melonie's wedding, but he had to leave sooner than expected.
I slowly open my bedroom door to see both my Aunts and Fathers doors closed with their lights out. I creep down the stairs quietly, trying to be as silent as possible. As soon as I get outside I start my hike to the Square.
The moon is shining in the sky brightly. My mind draws to the memory of Draco and I sitting outside of the castle by the lake after the night he fought Flint off of me. Looking at the night sky for some reason reminds me of how peaceful that was sitting with him. I shake the memory out of my head as I continue to walk.
I keep reminding myself to be strong when I see him. Don't fall for any of his games. Hear what he has to say-then leave. Make this interaction as quick as possible. No wounds will be torn open tonight.
As I get to the Square, it looks like a ghost town. I have never been here when it is dark. I didn't really know what to expect, but it just looks abandoned. I continue to walk through the Square, unsure of where Draco would be.
As I walk down one of the alleys I feel a tug on my arm pulling me into an enclosed dead end.
"What the fu-" my mouth is covered by a large hand. I look up to see Draco standing close behind me.
"Will you shut up." He spits at me. I forcefully remove his hand from my mouth and turn to look up at him.
"Excuse me for being caught off guard by someone dragging me into a random corner." I roll my eyes at him.
"I have done it to you plenty of times Lancing, you shouldn't have been so surprised it was me." His eyebrows cock up.
"What do you want Draco? Why am I here?"
His eyes fall from mine and his face looks pale. I can tell something is off.
"I need to tell you something Olivia. Well-a lot of things. Shit. I don't know how to do this type of thing.." he is stuttering on his words and playing with his fingers.
"What type of thing?" I question.
"Honesty." My breath quickens as he speaks. I am immediately intrigued.
"Okay, well.. go ahead then." I finally say to him.
"Olivia, I need you to know this before you hate me forever." He reaches into his back pocket to retrieve something. I quickly realize it is his journal. "I need you to read this one day. I have lied to you so many times Olivia." His voice starts to waver as he continues, "I am tired of lying. Things are getting..serious. I need to know that you will be safe. If anything," His voice finally cracks, "if anything happens to you Olivia, I don't know what I would do with myself. I need you to be safe."
"Draco? I don't know what you are saying? Safe from what?" I start to feel anxious as he speaks.
"From you-know-who. He will come for you. He knows about us. My father used it as leverage for me to.." His voice falls as he grows more pale.
"Leverage for you to what Draco? What did you do..." I start to feel nauseous as his words spill from his lips.
"For me to take the mark." As the words come out, my head feels light. The air feels heavy. And my legs feel weak. He took the mark. Draco Malfoy is a Death Eater.
I start to back away from him, no words are able to escape my throat.
"Olivia please-" he grabs my arm, "I had to do it. He threatened to kill you and your father if I didn't take it. After being with you for your Aunt's wedding, I knew I had to take it. Seeing you," His eyes start to fill with tears, "seeing you so happy. Seeing your heart so full watching everyone dance at the wedding. Seeing how important you are to me. I couldn't let anything happen to you." I feel a numbness come over my body. "Olivia, please look at me. I can't let anything happen to you." I can hear the desperation in his voice.
"I was just a whore you fucked." I spit at him as the tears come.
"No! Olivia no, that isn't true. I knew I had to let you go, if I didn't, he could've taken you. I have eyes on me at all times, I needed to keep you safe." he takes a step towards me.
"You needed to keep me safe? If you wanted to keep me safe, you would've been honest about everything from the beginning. If you wanted to keep me safe, you would have never made me love you!" I feel the tears fall from my eyes as I raise my voice in anger.
He runs his hands through his hair before speaking "Olivia, I had kept myself from loving anyone for so long. How the fuck was I suppose to know I would fall in love with you. When I felt myself falling apart, I had no other choice but to make you hate me." his eyes are red and the silver sparkle in his eyes is now gone. My heart feels heavy at his words.
"You-you loved me?" My voice cracks at the thought of his confession.
"I love you Olivia."
"No..Draco no." I start to back away from him and feel light headed again. "This isn't fair of you. I have finally felt able to breathe again. You can't come here and put all your burdens on me, and then tell me you love me. This isn't fair of you to do to me." I can barely keep the words steady through the whimpers.
"I know it isn't fair. But if I am going to die, I want to die knowing you knew everything." His eyes grow dark.
"Die?" I stutter.
"I have a mission I have to complete by the end of the term. It could happen at any moment, but when that moment comes Olivia, I need you to read this," he sticks his journal out again, "I need you to read everything. I know you don't owe me anything, but please promise me you will read this." The tears keep coming from his eyes.
"Draco, what are you going to do.." I feel my stomach drop at the thought.
"I can't tell you, if you knew, he could kill you." His face is practically white at this point. "You can't interact with me, speak with me, or even look at me when we get back to school. There are spies everywhere Olivia. I cannot let anything happen to you." His desperation is thick in his voice now. I give him a small nod in agreement.
"Now please Olivia, promise me you will read this when the time comes. You will know when. Everything in this journal will keep you and your father safe." He pushes the journal against my chest. I take it in my hands feeling his fingers touch mine.
"I promise."
He shakes his head in approval and steps towards me. Our faces become closer than I want them to be. "I will always try and protect you Olivia. From Flint, from your own demons, from anything and anyone. I will always make sure you are safe." His eyes are weak but his tone is strong.
I am unsure of how to respond so I don't. I have too many thoughts flooding my mind right now. I can't seem to find my voice so I give him a nod.
"I need to go. Please don't tell anyone, it's to keep you and your father safe. Please trust me Olivia." He looks down at me with wide eyes.
"I-I won't say anything." My weak voice mutters out. Draco looks down and drops his hands from mine. He starts to turn from me, "Draco wait." I say stopping him. He turns to look at me. "Once your mission is complete, will everyone be in danger..will-will everyone die?" I reluctantly ask, scared to know the answer.
He takes a deep sign before looking down at the ground and taking a pause. When he looks back up at me his voice becomes weak.
"I really hope not."
_____
As I lay in bed, I feel a dark feeling come over my whole body. I haven't been able to sleep in days. Ever since I saw Draco. My mind is unable to feel stable ever since knowing his secret. I have run all the possible scenarios of him actually being a Death Eater in my head. I think of all the lies, the distant eyes, and the darkness that was prominent throughout his mind.
I think back to when Harry accused him of trying to hurt Katie Bell and that only makes tears come out each time I think too much about it.
The hardest part is knowing that he loves me, yet still hurt me in a way no one has ever done before. He thinks he is trying to save me, when he actually is ruining me from the inside out.
My father and Melonie have tried to get me out of my room for the past week, I have refused most of their efforts. I can tell they are concerned, but I am too twisted in my own head to care.
If Draco thought our little "meeting" made me feel better about anything, he must be delusional. I only feel a constant ache in my stomach and heart. How does he expect me to go back to school with this information, just waiting around for him to do god knows what.
My pillow is stiff from the amount of tears that I have spilled on it. My body is fragile, my skin is hard, and I can practically feel the heartbeat on my eyes from the swelling. Draco Malfoy has officially ruined me.
______________________
"I can't seem to let you go."
"Father, I will be okay. I promise." I say giving him a smile as he engulfs me in his arms. I rest my head on his chest as I feel his warmth around me. I take a moment longer than I usually would, with the information I know, I want to soak this moment in as much as possible.
"Write to me as much as you need dear." Melonie says as I pull away from my father. I give her a nod as I grab my things.
"I love you." I say looking them in the eyes for a brief moment. They give me a smile and I quickly decide to turn away towards the train before I change my mind about going back to school.
I keep my head down to hide the tears that are pooling up. As my feet move fast I feel a body collide with mine. A sudden wave hits me as I look up.
"Watch where you wander." A low deep voice speaks from above me. I look up to see eyes I have come to recognize from a mile away. Although this time, they look ages older.
"I'm sorry Sir, I am in a hurry. I didn't mean to-"
"Save your words." His eyes draw down to my trunk and back towards me, "Gryffindor. I could've guessed that." I stay silent for a moment, not entirely sure what to say next.
"Be careful next time Miss. Lancing. You wouldn't want someone getting hurt now would you?" His brows furrow down at me. For a brief moment I question how he knows my name, but then I realize my name is on my luggage.
"No Sir, I wouldn't." I shake my head up at him with nerves slowly kicking in. He gives me a hard nod before turning to the side to let me continue walking. I feel a heat rush over my body as I am finally free from Draco's fathers intensity. That was my first interaction with him ever and I can feel my heart still sitting at the bottom of my stomach.
As I walk around the train to find Dean, I decide that maybe it wouldn't be best sitting with any of my close friends. I know they are only going to ask me about my break and how I am feeling after the break up, even though I had told them previously that I have been fine. I also don't know if I can look into Dean's eyes and lie to him again. Especially with something this large.
As I continue to walk, I stumble upon Luna sitting in a cabin alone. I think this would be best. I know she won't hackle me for answers about anything. We could sit quietly the whole ride and not be awkward. Small talk seems pretty ideal right now.
"Hi Luna, do you mind if I sit with you?" I ask as I open the door to her cabin.
"Of course Olivia, please make yourself comfortable." She gives me a wide smile and motions for me to sit across from her. I give her a pleasant nod before sitting down with her.
"How was your Christmas?" She asks as she plays with her fingers in her lap.
"It was okay." I simply respond. "Thats nice." She says looking towards the window. That is the exact response I was hoping for. No one saying: "Well what did you do?", "Are you really doing okay?", "Have you talked to him?". I set my things aside as I grow comfortable in the cabin.
"Babe, are these okay? They didn't have what you originally wanted." I turn my head to see Blaise standing in the doorway holding a pack of Fudge Flies.
"Yes those are fine, thank you Blaise." Luna responds looking up at him with admiration. Blaise slowly comes into the cabin sitting next to Luna. Well, this isn't ideal. I can tell Blaise is a little put off by my presence. He looks at me with confused eyes, but shakes them as soon as Luna rests her hand on his knee.
"Hi Blaise, have a good break?" I ask in a low voice. "Yeah, and yourself?" he asks looking up at me. I give him a weak nod and immediately divert my attention to the window. I feel an uncomfortable draft in the cabin.
I can't help but to wonder if Blaise knows about Draco. I doubt it, unless he has taken the mark himself? A part of me doesn't think Blaise would ever do that, but yet again, I never thought Draco would either.
I spend the first half of the ride to school looking out the window trying to distract my mind by eavesdropping into my cabin mates' conversations. Nothing serious, they just talk about the new term and how their break was together. Some of the things they discuss I don't fully understand, I assume they are inside jokes.
"I'm going to the toilet, anyone need anything?" Luna asks as she stands in front of us. Blaise and I both shake our heads in response.
The uncomfortable draft in the air has grown thicker now that Luna has seen herself out of the cabin. My eyes try to focus on anything other than Blaise and anywhere other than his direction. The silence in the air seems to feel louder than anything.
"I found out just before you did." His voice is low and dark. My eyes dart over to him in confusion.
"What?" I ask.
"Draco." His eyes fall to the floor as mine grow wide. I'm unsure of what to say, how does he know that I know?
"I don't fully understand what you mean Blaise?" I try and pretend I am clueless. Maybe he will drop the conversation and we never have to talk about it again.
"I know you know Lancing, I had the same look in my eyes for two weeks." He tilts his head to the side to look at me harder. I feel red spread across my face in embarrassment. Can he really tell?
"Oh."
"I saw his mark just before break." He looks down to his hands and plays with his knuckles before looking back up at me, "I actually didn't think he would tell you."
My voice is hesitant not knowing how much information I should spill to Blaise, "I saw him over break. T-That's when he told me." My voice stutters from anxiousness.
"Fucking prat." He spits as he leans back in his seat. "Does Luna know?" I hesitantly ask.
"Of course not. He may be a complete and utter fuck up, but he is a brother to me. I wouldn't just tell anyone, even if it is her." I can see the desperation in his eyes. It seems as though we are both on the same page, but I can't entirely tell.
I lean closer towards Blaise as my voice cracks, "Blaise," he looks to meet my eyes, "I don't know what to do.." I feel my voice grow weak at the end.
"There is nothing you can do." His voice is straight and hard. My eyes fall from the truth behind his words. There is nothing I can do. I can't fix this. It seems that no matter the situation in my life, I can never fix it. My mother dies, there was nothing I could do to fix it. Cedric dies, there was nothing I could do to fix it. I feel so out of control of everything. That is the hardest aspect to grasp.
Our conversation comes to a quick end as Luna walks back into the cabin to join us.
_________________
"Where were you on the train? I couldn't find you?" Dean asks as we sit in the Great Hall eating dinner.
"I sat with Luna, she was alone and I wanted to keep her company."
"Oh." Dean simply responds.
"Do you think I would make a good Auror?" Seamus asks from across the table.
"Any reason why you may be asking us?" Dean breaks a smile at Seamus's question.
"I want to take an independent study this term, you know, focus on my future." He says, looking a bit in panic about making a decision.
"I never thought about taking an independent study before?" I question. I never really thought about my future at all really. I have just seen things as so unexpected, that I never had time to sit and think about it. Ever since Voldemort returned, I never thought much about a time without him in the future. I have hoped, but never too hard. I feel like if I hope for a bright future with no dark leader, I would only be let down in the end.
"You should look into it Liv, could be good to plan out something." Seamus looks down at some books he brought with him.
After dinner we all head to our houses. I finally am able to talk to Hermione about her and her break. She informs me about the Weasleys home and the Death Eaters that attacked it. My stomach falls at the thought of Draco being a part of the attack. She settles my nerves a small amount by telling me the only one she could recognize was Bellatrix Lestrange.
As I sit in bed in my dorm, I continue to talk to Hermione about the new term. She gives me little information about Harry and his plans. I try to change the conversation to something lighter by bringing up her class schedule.
"I am thinking about doing an independent study..thoughts?" I ask her as we both look at each other from our separate beds.
"I think that is a great idea Liv. Any thought into what specific study you would want to do?" She questions with excited eyes.
"That's the thing," I shift my body to be looking up towards the top of my bedpost, "I don't know what I want to do exactly."
"I wanted to be a healer my first years here, now I want to help people who may not have a voice. I'm not sure just yet though." she lets off a small laugh as she speaks.
"I want to do something that I can be in control of. I don't see myself working for the Ministry though, I just want to be able to count on something that works." I try to explain my thoughts in the best way I can to Hermione.
"You sound like a healer to me." Hermione responds. I turn to her looking confused at her comment.
"How so?" I question.
"Medicine, healing spells, potions. You know exactly what they are going to do and that they will work. You have all the control as a healer, and will most likely not fail as long as you know what you are doing." She laughs at the last part as she speaks.
"A healer..," I pause for a moment as a smile grows on my face, "This is why you're top of the class." Hermione smiles at my response.