Songs for the chapter : I can't save myself by Adrianne Camp.
Kabira by Pritam.
* * * *
One month later
Raizaada House
He awoke in the sunlit bedroom to Dubboo's gentle licking on his cheek; lingering feather-light, although wet, just enough to convey his affection and happiness in having him there, warm and alive at his side.
"Hey, good morning buddy" He smiles.
Sidharth turned towards him, scratching behind his ear, hoping against hope that this day would be the one that would bring him a semblance of peace and acceptance.
Then the rational part of his brain would kick in and he knew that today would be like every other day in the past month.
He would experience the identical gamut of emotions he always did.
It would begin with GUILT, for pushing away his family, for not being a understanding big brother and...
For leaving her there without any explanation and with only three words.
"I need time."
He knew when he said those words, he made a big mistake. After she revealed the horrifying and painful incidents of her past, he was just numb, he wasn't thinking, he wasn't understanding, there was only a picture plastered on his mind of little six years old girl who was abandoned by her own mother, who didn't know what was happening with her, who wasn't given a choice for her own life.
She just wanted to be loved.
He closes his eyes as he imagines a little girl all alone in a big house, hungry, scared and confused.
He sat up on bed and rubbed his face, trying to erase that heartbreaking picture.
* * * *
His emotions further took another level, RECRIMINATION and REGRET.
He entered the kitchen looking like a dead in his night cloths, ruffled hair, unshaven beard and baggy eyes, he hadn't been sleeping.
"Good morning Sidharth" dadi said smiling a little when she saw him enter, he replies back, without looking at her.
He couldn't look into her eyes after what he has done.
~~
"Bhaiya!!" Kushal shouted as he followed him, Sidharth ignored him and made a b-line for his car, he couldn't bear all these emotions running through him, he's so overwhelmed, he needs air, he needs time to process all this.
"Bhaiya!! Where are you going?" Kushal grabbed his arm and stopped him from opening the door. He whirled around towards his brother.
"Why did stormed off from there like that? Where do you think you are going?"
"I'm going back, I need time" Sidharth thumb was fidgeting, he was restless. He wasn't paying attention to anything. It was like he was in a tunnel vision, the only thing he can see is a crying little Shehnaaz locked in a Mansion size cage with a monster.
"What do you mean you need time? For what? You know the way you stormed off it looked bad, it looked like you are running away from her."
"I'm running away from her." Sidharth said, and thought, running away from her demons, that reminds him of his.
Kushal looked at his brother incredulously, "What are you saying? Do you even care about her"
Sidharth looked up suddenly with sharpness in his eyes, he didn't like the accusation in his voice.
"I mean you got closer to her and now when she needs you, when she has opened up her whole past, in front of us all, you are gonna just stand and run away, this is not the brother I have admired my whole life"
Sidharth bristles at his tone and accusations and without thinking he said, "And I think you care too much. What? Are you feeling something for her? Do you want her?"
Kushal took a step back at his brother's words, he couldn't believe his brother can even think something like that.
"Do you hear yourself, bhaiya? Don't ever point finger at my relation with Shehnaaz, she's like a big sister I never had."
Sidharth felt a sudden flicker of regret, he knew his brother would never do something like this, he knew they both have made a pure and special bond, but he wasn't thinking and the moment the words were out of his mouth he wanted to run back in time to slap himself before he could say something like that to his brother.
"Well who knows, you tend to fuck any girl you see, or any women who gives you attention and we all know how much you like to snatch something that is mine."
Kushal looked at his brother stunned to the core, "Is that what you think of me?"
~~
The hurt that he saw on his face still haunts Sidharth.
After that Sidharth drove off from there, leaving Kushal and Dadi behind, and next day they both came back home with Dubboo.
He was in the kitchen when he told dadi in a loud voice, which implied that he wanted him to hear what he said.
"Dadi Shehnaaz said that Dabboo won't be able to live there, he had made bond with Sidharth, so she told me to give him to Bhaiya, but I don't know if he would care for him, he can't care for a living person, than this is just a dog."
After that Kushal packed his bags and flew off to New York.
And then at night when everyone was sleeping he took dubboo to his room and slept while cuddling him to his chest.
"Sidharth Beta, kab tak aisay chup chap rahega, kab tak apne aap ko room mein bandh rahega, beta talk to me"
Sidharth who was one of his moods snapped back and regretted, "Why so you can hide things from me again?"
"Watch your tone, son. No one takes to my wife like that" they both turned at the strong voice of the older man, he was tall, with a good built for his age, he was wearing a track suit and newspaper in his hand.
Rajvansh Raizaada.
Sidharth looked down, ashamed and apologized to his dadi.
"I know you are not thinking clearly right now, you are hurting, but you were the one who is responsible to put yourself in such a situation and you are going to be the one who will find a way to solve this, and that doesn't mean that you bash others, understood?" He said with a stern voice.
Sidharth looked at his grandfather, the man who has taught him everything, the man who was always there for for him when his own father was busy making money or cheating on his mother, the man who held his little finger while teaching him to walk and who stood behind his every success, patting his back and encouraging him to grow more. He looked at the bond his grandparents shared and suddenly a vision of Shehnaaz in her yellow suit, laughing and running around came into his mind.
He wants that same bond.
* * * *
The next emotions hit him when he was under the shower deep in his thoughts, SELF-LOATHING and FEAR.
He hated feeding like this, when everything bad that's happened just hits him full force. All those time where he couldn't do anything to make the situation better made him frustrated with himself. He slowly began to despise himself and his general uselessness. He absolutely hated it. He doesn't want to think about his past, but he can't help and notice the similarities, that time also if he hadn't run away after his fight with Amara, she would have been alive.
Then you wouldn't have met Shehnaaz his inner voice said.
He shudders at the thought. He got out of shower and wrapped a towel around his waist, he stood in front of the fogged up mirror and he rubbed his hand to clear it.
A vision suddenly came into his mind, a crying and broken 13-years-old Shehnaaz, tormented and tortured due to inhumane people, a blade in her hand, ready to end it all, and suddenly with a roar he punched the mirror, it cracked under the impact, and his hand started bleeding through the cuts.
He was breathing heavily imagining if she hasn't realized at the time and had ended her life, he wouldn't have met her, what would his life would have been like without her?
He wished he could have been there for her, he would have killed that monster.
You could have been here for her now his inner voice said.
As he mind went over every time he couldn't do anything, a few tears slipped from his eyes. He closed his eyes, the tears now running down his cheeks. "...Useless bastard... You are a coward"
* * * *
The next emotion ANGER hit him when he was standing in front of his old gym where he used to come to get training for boxing. he was standing in front of the building, the building he left five years ago when he got the damn call that changed his whole life, he never looked back at this building again, he always controlled his itch to come here and spar, to come here and relieve all the pent up anger, but today he couldn't stop himself, he needed this, he needed this to feel physical pain that will although for a short time, but he can suppress all the emotional pain and the emotions creating a storm in him.
He entered the main Arena, it was a small hall, with an indoor boxing ring and a small gymnasium on the other side, he looked around and saw many people training there from young teenagers to 70-years-olds, he looked at the boxing ring, where his old friend and coach is sparring with someone.
The young guy landed a chin-fist in the dirt as Remirez practically danced away, laughing.
“No fair, you moved!”
“You wanna box, kid, you gotta think like a boxer. Too slow!”
Ramirez dodged again as the guy came up swinging. He had to admit, the kid had some skills.
The guy actually started to chase him around the ring, hands fists clenched around the tape.
“Hold – still!” The guy gasped, wheezing. “You're – an old guy – you shouldn't – run that fast!”
“I'm not, you're just an asthmatic nerdboxer!”
He tried to reply and keeled over instead, grasping at his chest.
Instantly the smile fell off Remirez's face. “Kid? You alive?” He stepped closer and reached down.
Next thing he knew he was stumbling back and holding his jaw.
“How's that for too slow?!” the guy crowed. “Also ow ow OW that hurt!”
Remirez snorted. “Not bad, kid. Maybe we can steal you some real boxing gloves next time we're in town.”
“Boxing gloves? I have a pair, if you think they'd fit.” Sidharth finally let them know about his presence.
They turned around and Remirez froze.
Suddenly Ramirez jumped down from the ring, with a big smile on his face.
"Sidharth, is that really you, kid?, god it has been so long, since I have seen you" Ramirez gave him a manly hug, patting his back, he smiles in spite of being in an overwhelming mood.
"Yeah, it's been five years" Ramirez whistles with shock, but smiles at his old student.
"Anyway, this is my grandson, Mason" He introduces 'the guy' who was looking at him with wonder in his eyes.
"Mason, this is-" he was interrupted by his grandson.
"I KNOW, HE IS THE THUNDERSTORM, OH MY LIFE, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE REALLY HERE, FUCK, THAT'S SO COOL, AND DUDE JUST LOOK AT YOUR MUSCLES" he fanboys over Sidharth, while Ramirez looked amused and Sidharth just smiled a little, it has been years, he never heard this name given to him when he won his first boxing match. "I always wanted to box like you"
"You will, you have a coach like Ramirez who taught me everything that is boxing." Sidharth says.
"So, do you wanna box?" Ramirez asked.
"Yes"
"Okay then get your gloves and lets go"
"OH MY LIFE, IT'S GOING TO BE FUN"
* * * *
"let's see what you got, might want to put your gear on, I wouldn't want to mess up yer pretty little face” mitch, the opponent of Sidharth taunted, “I prefer to go bare knuckles thank you” he took his stance and waited for him to attack “Suit yerself” He threw a punch at him that he easily deflected. “That was an easy one lets see you block this then” He jabbed left then right and swung a kick. Sidharth blocked the left jab, and ducked under the right, catching the kick with his left forearm and landing a blow to his midsection with his right. “Not too bad” He took his stance again, he mirrored his “stop going easy on me and show me what you can really do metal head” He growled at Sidharth as he attacked.
Suddenly a vision of a terrified 14-years-old Shehnaaz came to his mind, the one who's eyes are dead, she's screaming and tears running down her eyes, as the monster tried to taint her with his vile hands.
And all the pain, frustration, grief, fear and anger came pouring out of him.
Left, right, left, kick, low sweep. Sidharth blocked and dodged all of them, landing a few blows in between, his big size was a disadvantage but his speed working to his advantage. He went to punch at Sidharth again, this time he dodged grabbing his wrist and thrusting his shoulder into his gut, flipping him over onto his back on the floor.
He's going to find him and kill him. Sidharth promises.
* * * *
Finally the last and most brutal emotion hit him, PAIN.
He was siting on the front stairs of his mother's house, he didn't knock yet, he was debating whether he should be here or not, he was ashamed and her mother would be very disappointed, he knows.
He knows his mother talks to dadi everyday, and his mother knows everything that had happened in Middlehem.
"How much longer are you going to sit there?" A feminine but strong voice come from behind him.
Asha Mehra.
He smiled a little, "You knew I was here?"
"No, I didn't knew, it just my neighbor called and told be a very suspicious man is sitting on my doorsteps."
He laughed softly and she smiled and sat with him on the steps.
"So did it helped?" She asked when he saw his son's batted knuckles.
Sidharth noticed, "I'm sorry, I know I promised not to go there"
She shrugged, "I stopped you that time because I wanted to stop you from hiding behind physical pain"
"But I did go there to forget about everything"
"But you still couldn't get her out of your mind. I haven't seen your this sad before."
Sidharth looked at her mother with tears in his eyes, "You have no idea what had happened with her, it was painful mom, I could not even hear it and she lived that hell" He shook his head as more tears come down his face.
His mother rubbed his back, he turns and put his head on her lap, "Mom...." he sobs as he imagines Shehnaaz, a sweet little girl with doe eyes, small hands, running on little feet, and tortured by her own blood.
"Why did you leave without saying anything?" Asha asked while lovingly caressing his head.
For a long time he didn't say anything, just feeling calm in his mother's presence.
"I left because I was afraid of hating her, I thought whenever I saw her I would be reminded of her father who killed our family, who killed Amara..."
He sighs and continues, "The things she suffered, she didn't deserve the hate, and I wasn't sure of my emotions, I felt trapped between past and present."
"Sidharth, listen to me bacha" She makes him look at her, "for the first time, I saw a glimpse of happiness in you, it's because you are getting out of your past, it means you are ready to move on, so if you want to be happy, you have to forgive yourself, you have to get closure on your past and chase your happiness."
Sidharth thought about his mother's words, he gives her a nod and she smiles, "Let's go inside, I made pumpkin pie."
* * * *
Sidharth opened the garage of his mother's house, and took determined steps towards his baby Royal Enfield.
Mom is right if I need to be happy, I have to chase my happiness, and my happiness resides in a small town of North yorkshire. He thought.
It's time she get to her right place, and that's beside him.
* * * *