Words 1932
HARDIN.
The doctor says she'll wake up soon and that she's fine. I am forcing myself to believe him. I know Tessa will survive this, because there's no way in hell that I'd have this worse of luck. I have a lot of fucking bad luck, but this is worse. I don't think I'd be able to live with myself without Tess. What would I do? How could I take care of the kids? I never really thought about how important Tessa is to the family. She is the glue. She keeps us from going insane. If she's gone... how can I stay strong for Auden and Emery?
It's probably risky think about these things in front of Emery, which is why I have my head down onto Tessa's still shoulder. I feel my throat ache, but I hold the tears back. I'll wait until I am alone. It's one thing being a baby in front of Tessa, but not in front of one of my children. I'm supposed to be one of their shoulders to cry on. I'm not going to start crying on her's. If anything, she should be crying on me. She witnessed it happen.
I would never be able to be as strong as Emery, seeing Tessa on the ground, blood everywhere...
Her hands clenching mine that are desperately holding her wound for it to stop. I've had nightmares like this. They are worse than hell itself.
"I'm..." Emery croaks.
Shit.
I raise my shoulders and muffle a small cry as I press my head further against Tessa's forearm. I don't want to look up at her. She sounds so broken. "M'going to wait outside." She finishes and I patiently wait to hear her footsteps. I probably should look up at her. I should give her the assurance, but what if I make it worse for her? I don't want to look up at her and to see her pain. I can't handle anymore pain than I am in.
I don't even know if she's still in the room when I mutter, "Okay. I'll be a few more minutes." I wipe my eyes. I don't want to leave Tessa yet. I feel like alone time with her will do me good.
Just the feeling of Tessa's hand. Her hand isn't as warm as it usually is, but it isn't exactly cold either. She slightly pale, but I'm honestly not sure if it's just me imagining things.
I rest my chin onto her forearm, looking up at her round face and defined jawline. A memory flashes through my thoughts...
This was back long before Tessa and I even worked things out. We were still on the bumpy road, yelling and fighting almost every other minute.
(I'd like to believe it was just the learning stage of the relationship.)
I fucked so many girls yet knew so little about them. I didn't understand, or better said, didn't care to understand about their emotions whatsoever until Tessa. And even once I began to care it wasn't in the right way.
It was back it stupid fucking Seattle. I had chased off fucking Trevor from her room, which led to her screaming at me and later we ended up fucking on the bed. Like I said, a bumpy road.
We were now lying down, her arms wrapped tightly around me; something I missed so fucking much that it was almost better than the pleasure of sex....
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Her arms feel so warm around me. The sweat isn't a problem. It's never a problem, as long as I'm close to her. That's all I fucking care about. And if this is what it takes to be close to her, then so be it. "I love you." I say for the second time since we finished. The first time I said it she hushed me, quickly looking away from my eyes. I ignored the feeing of a spear to my heart, but now I can actually feel it pierce through the weak armor around my heart.
That feeling only grows when all I get it silence. I pounded her hard, but not hard enough for her to be out this quick. She definitely heard me. Does she feel the way I do?
I wonder if she feels bad for me. I wonder if she knows that she's the cause of this pain I feel. Maybe there's a way I could... what's the word? Manipulate... no.
I could never do that to her. I won't make her feel bad for me. At least not right now. I should've left when I kicked fucking Trevor out.
Actually... I should've taken Trevor with me just to be sure that fucker wouldn't come back into her room. I shouldn't even be here right now. Why the fuck did I agree to fuck her?
She doesn't even love me anymore...
I hold back a small ironic chuckle at the fact that she used me. She used me for dick... I thought I was the one who was supposed to use people...
Fuck, it actually kind of sucks.
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I smile slightly at the fact she is actually mine now. She is fully mine. Not only does the ring prove it but so does the kids; the product of us both.
"I love you." Just like in my memory, I know she won't answer me. But this time I feel my heart fill with overwhelming love. She has proven her love in so many ways that I'm comfortable with the silence. I know, if she can hear me, she is answering me with the same three words in her head and that's good enough for me.
In fact, if she can hear me, I might as well talk to her as if she's awake. "Auden is at Landon's. Emery is out in the hall." I pause, watching her lips and silently encouraging them to open and answer.
'Thank you for leaving Auden at Landon's. I'd hate for him to see me this way.' She'd probably say, 'It would break him.'
I gulp at the image. "Emery was in here with me a few minutes ago. She's in the hall now." I pause once again, thinking up a reply,
'I don't want her to see me like this either, Hardin.'
"I know, but she seemed more broken out in the waiting room than when she saw you. I had never seen her so emotionless, Tess. It was very hard to sit out there. She hardly even blinked the entire two hours." I argue with myself, my throat closing through the middle making me croak the last few words. "And she had to leave the room. I couldn't even look up at her, Tess. I didn't want to see it." I bury my face into her shoulder again, hiding my face from everything around me. I'm acting like a child and I don't fucking care.
'It's okay. I'm here. I'm always here for you, Hardin.' I imagine her saying these words. The words she always tells me when I'm feeling messed the fuck up.
I take a while to respond. I find that it's quite easy to forget to speak when you're not really having a conversation with anyone.
"I wouldn't be surprised if she just—" I lift my head, my heart dropping into my stomach.
What if she left? What if she isn't waiting outside like she said she would be? "Hold on." I mutter, wiping my eyes and lifting myself from my spot on the hard floor.
My legs ache slightly because of sitting on them for so long. I walk passed Tessa's bed and open the hospital room door. I scan the hallway on each side. I can't see her. Maybe she is in the waiting room. As I'm walking there, a nurse tries to pass me but I grab her forearm. "Hey," I begin, "have you seen my daughter. Short blonde hair, maybe five-seven."
She looks at me awkwardly and shakes her head. "No, do you need me to find her room for you?"
I shake my head, closing my eyes to suppress the frustration I'm feeling. "No!" I slightly shout, but catch myself by talking softer. "No, she might be in the waiting room. Thank you."
I pass her, taking long strides towards the waiting room.
It might not seem like a big deal that she left without me, but I know for fuck certain she wouldn't go home. Again, she might not have even left. She might be just a round the corner in the waiting room.
I mean, how the fuck could she even leave? Did she take my car?
I turn the corner and scan the chair in the waiting room. An old man, a little girl, and a little boy sit in the waiting room. The little girl looks terrified as she stares at the ground, but the old man and little boy look neutral. There's a couple sitting directly against the wall, the same place where Emery and I sat for almost two and a half hours.
I don't see any sign of Emery. Fuck. I b-line straight for the front doors, they slide open a bit too slowly and I mentally block myself from getting anymore angrier than I already am.
I'm good at controlling my anger nowadays. I honestly don't even know where this anger is coming from. If anything, I understand why Emery would get up and leave. All this pent up anger and guilt I have had in the last couple hours is now starting to overflow.
I just wish none of this would've fucking happened. When I make it to the parking lot I realize how dark it truly is. How long was I in there?
Once I get to my car, I let out a small breath, clenching my hands into fists. This is too fucking much. Why did this have to happen? Why did everything I know and love have to go down hill?
I reach into my pocket and pull out my phone. Emery, you really better fucking answer because I'm on my last string here.
I hear the voicemail and I can feel my face heat up. I open my mouth to shout into the phone but I stop myself immediately. I can't do that. This is Emery we're talking about.
"Hey, Em..." I begin, my voice surprisingly very calm. "I just... wanted to know where you went. Mmm, call me back, alright?" And I hung up.
I collapse my head onto the hood of my black car, my anger slowly resurfacing. Nothing is going right. This isn't right. This is a nightmare and I'm going to wake up.
I give it a couple minutes, closing my eyes and focusing on my breath like Tessa tells me to do when I'm feeling mad. I'll wake up and all of this will be a dream.
I slowly open my eyes and what I see is my car's hood, the black paint chipping off in places that you can't see unless if you were close up. And before I can even think about it, I whack the hood, pain lightnings through my wrist and up my arm. "Fuck." I huff, twisting myself away from the car so I won't hit it again. I hold the side of my hand and the pain only increases with movement. I let out a frustrated sigh, setting off back towards the hospital. I'm not leaving the hospital tonight. I refuse to have Tessa wake without me there.
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𝙰𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚛'𝚜 𝙽𝚘𝚝𝚎
Last update until February 8th! I'll let you know if I change the posting days. I'm thinking about it.
Hope you enjoyed this chapter in Hardin's POV. A lot of you were looking forward to it.
chapter forty six: Jan. 29, 2021