Fuck. I can't even fucking look at my history notes without wanting to punch something. I launch the history textbook at my door as it smacks it with a loud bang. I can't fucking believe we did that. Over fucking Braden and Lacey. It did not have to fucking end like that and fuck it feels weird not seeing her hungover in my bed. Or just not here at all. I lean back in my desk chair looking at the poster of Michael Jordan hanging in my room. Carter should not have ended up in the middle of the fight. Part of me understands why she did it but if Michael Burke punched her I think I would lose my shit. If he had punched her I would have been kicked off of the team without a second thought. He would probably be in the fucking hospital right now.
I run a hand across my clenched jaw as I feel the ache growing through my jawbone. I barely slept last night I want her here. I want to fix this shit and I know that is exactly what I have to fucking do. I have to fess up to the bullshit I have been keeping from her. Fuck.
I pick up another textbook to fucking launch when my door opens. Jeremy's hands are up in surrender as he steps into my room. "I am not sure if you want this right now but someone is here for you."
"Who," I bite out to him. He makes a face before looking behind him. He opens the door up a little more and I stare blankly at her. Oh, what the fuck. Kristen is standing there in a pair of ripped jeans and a tight cropped top. "Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me."
"Hi Asher," she says trying to take a step forward. I shake my head at her shoving my desk chair back. I do not need her to show the fuck up right now. I need to go talk to Carter and fix this shit.
"You need to get the fuck out," I bite out at her walking out of my room. Jeremy slides in front of me putting his hands on my shoulders.
"Asher, you know we need to talk," she says batting her stupid fucking fake lashes at me. I clench my fist in anger breathing heavily.
"No, we fucking don't. We don't need to do fucking shit," I yell at her lightly grabbing her arm. I feel her long ass fingernails graze against my forearm making me rip my arm from hers. I see anger flash in her blue eyes but it instantly turns back to pity.
"I heard about you and Carter," she says reaching out to me again. I snap my head at her and Jeremy joins me.
"What," I say speechless. Did Carter really start telling people? No why fucking would she? "Kristen shut the fuck up you don't know shit. So, get the hell out of my house."
She looks stunned by my words as I make my way to the stairs. I know, well I am hoping, she will follow. When I hear her and Jeremy's footsteps following me as she pleads for me to listen to her. I am not. The only thing I am thinking about is how I need to go to Carter's dorm. So we can talk this out and I can admit to everything.
"But what about what I know!" she shrieks from behind me. I know she is begging now. This is her last shot for me and her to ever be a thing. Little does she know that I can't see myself with anyone else but Carter. Even if she does piss me the fuck off and not know when to stay the hell out of fights. But, I love that about her. I love that she would do anything for her friends. That she is loyal without fail even though Lacey is one shitty-ass friend.
"Fuck what you know," I yell back heading right for the door. She lets out a loud gasp making me stop to turn around. "I don't care, Kristen, tell whoever whatever."
"Oh really?" she says crossing her arms over her chest. I run a hand through my hair and glance back at my roommates who have paused their NBA 2K for this.
"Yes fucking really now get the fuck out," I say grabbing the doorknob of the door. Kristen's jaw drops while Trey and Robbie's eyes widen on the couch. I turn around to see a very red-eyed Carter. Her hair is pulled up in a messy bun and a big grey sweatshirt covering her body. Her lips are parted and she looks just as fucking confused as I did when I saw Kristen.
"What the fuck," she says looking at me. Her eyes travel back to Kristen and then back to me, "What the fuck."
"Carter, she came here it's-"
"Not what it looks like," she finishes it off for me. I nod my head as I reach for her but she takes a couple of steps back. I retract my hand from her and ignore the pang in my chest. I want to feel her and be there for her but I am the reason now why she is looking at me like I am an asshole. Hell, I am an asshole.
"It's not, she fucking busted in here. Not the other way around," I plead with her as she wraps her arms around herself. I have never seen her like this. So sad and not herself. I suck in a breath standing her looking at her.
"It's okay, I mean it's not but I should go," she says quickly. She turns around on her sneakers but I catch her elbow before she can go far. Her brown eyes are pleading with me to let her go but I can't bring myself to do it.
"Wait, we need to talk," I say glancing back at Kristen. Even she finally looks like she has some type of soul. I hope my face reads get the fuck out as she shuffles past the two of us. I almost smile when I see Carter shooting her daggers with her light eyes. Once Kristen is further down the path I finally look back at Carter.
"Asher, what are we doing?" she asks me with tears brimming her eyes. I can't look at her. Her sad brown eyes and the way she is looking at me gives me a feeling I don't fucking like.
"Carter, please don't do this," I tell her pulling her closer to me. She shakes her head at me lightly pulling away. I tighten my grip on her arm but not enough to hurt her. I want her to stay for us to be okay and like everything is back to normal. Fuck, all I want is to be with her. But, maybe she has a fucking point.
"Ash, we can't keep doing this and your shit with Kristen. We need to fix our own shit before we can be together. God, I would do anything to be with you right now," she says the tears finally falling from her eyes. I inhale sharply watching her tears fall as I reach out to brush them away. She leans into my hand sighing loudly.
"I know. Carter I-"
"It's okay, Asher. If Kristen is what you want at the end of this then that's okay," she says looking up at me. I shake my head at her because that's not what I want. That's not even what I was going to say.
"She's not, Car. I want you, I haven't even thought about another fucking girl since you. This is what I fucking want." I lightly lift her chin up to look at me. I do not want to be a little fucking bitch. But with the way she is looking at me right now and that heavy feeling in my chest, I don't know if I can.
"Figure it out then or tell me what the fuck she knows. I can't be there for you if I don't know what is going on," she says shaking her head out of my hand. Now, I really don't know what to say. I had planned to tell her everything. To not bitch out on her. I don't think I could stand having her look at me the way everyone else has when I told them. Even Kristen took large steps back when it slipped out drunk our freshman year.
"Okay."
She nods her head at me taking a few steps back. I watch as she takes the steps down our house and onto the sidewalk. She wipes her cheeks with her sweatshirt as she disappears. I can't even move from my spot because what in the actual fuck. How did I or could I let Carter slip out of my fingertips. She is everything I want and will be everything I want. But, she's right. We need to fucking figure our shit out and I need to stop being an idiot when it comes to this stupid bullshit.
I slam the front door shut with frustration and turn back around to my roommates.
"Asher, what the fuck man," Trey says shaking his head at me. I clench my fist at my sides shooting him daggers. He is just not fucking helping as I feel my blood boiling. I let her walk away.
"What the fuck was I suppose to do?" I snap at him. He runs a hand through his hair. I genuinely have no idea what the fuck I could have possibly done.
"Not let her walk away you fucking dumbass," he says pointing at the door. "You and Braden really need to fucking set your priorities straight. Because the two of you care so much about both of those girls and you two are too pussy to just be with them. Tell her the fucking truth, Asher."
"For fucks sake, you think I want to see her face when I tell her what I did to my dad. You really think she will look at me the fucking same," I snap loudly at Trey. He pushes himself off of the shaking his head at me.
"She loves you Asher and you clearly love her you fucking dumbass," Jeremy chimes in. I can't fucking talk about this right now. I shake my head at the two of them running a hand over my jaw.
"Fuck this," I say making my way to the stairs. Trey lets out an exasperated sigh shaking his head at me.
"You can only run away from your problems for so long, Asher!" he calls out from below the stairs. I shake my head at him heading up my stairs. I see Sixer sitting at the top of the stairs. Her big puppy eyes looking sad. I stop on the stairs and close my eyes. Sixer. Her dog, well our dog. Fuck. I sit down next to her as she rests her head on my lap. I pet the top of her head. I said 'okay' when she left. I should have stopped her when I had the chance. I gotta fucking fix this shit. And I need to fix it fast.