"Tomorrow we will build your Christmas tree, ok Mili?"
"Nobody builds a Christmas tree on Christmas day. You are supposed to do it at least a day before so that on Christmas eve night, Santa can sneak in and drop some gifts. Santa won't find his way to our house because we don't have a tree, and we didn't put up lights." Mili replied gingerly, before going back to fiddling with her phone, as she lay next to Akash, who was watching a movie on his laptop.
"We might get some discounts this year, because of the Pandemic, you know. I am sure Santa understands, and he will consider for a cute girl like you!"
Sometimes it annoyed Mili, how Akash could sweet talk his way out of anything. Why couldn't he just sit down and make one, instead of giving her sugar coated excuses, that too when she had already asked over 10 times, something she never did. Once refused, she never asked for the same thing again. Akash was probably the only exception.
"No you don't get it. Everyone is posting their Christmas pics with the tree. My Facebook wall is sparkling with Christmas lights. We are the most boring couple I know of."
"What happened to the book you started yesterday, why don't you read it instead of wasting your time on Facebook."
And that was just enough to push Mili over the edge. She abruptly put the phone down, turned off the reading lamp and turned over to her left, tearing herself away from Akash in one sweeping motion, leaving him feeling confused and guilty.
He kept his laptop aside and gently put an arm over Mili, "I am sorry, I shouldn't have lectured you, I just...Do what makes you happy Mili...and yes, we'll definitely get the tree tomorrow." When Mili didn't respond, he began running his hand through her hair affectionately.
These days Mili often failed to make sense of the thoughts running through her mind. Like being tugged and yanked in opposite directions, she felt torn and tormented by her conflicting emotions. She loved her kind and caring husband, but she also felt these unexplained surges of anger towards him. All of a sudden, in the middle of a normal day, she'd be overcome with acute despair, like all hope had drained from her life, like all air had been sucked out of her lungs, and she'd withdraw herself emotionally from her surroundings, including Akash. But then just a few hours later, the sadness would lift like a cloud, leaving her utterly perplexed. This roller coaster ride had come to become an everyday reality for her, yet owing to the absurdity that surrounded it, she couldn't share it with anyone.
Akash continued to stroke her hair. From the corner of her eyes Mili saw the lights going out. She had made Akash drop the movie, what would have been his only source of entertainment after a long tiring day. He only had a day off on Christmas, unlike her, who had the luxury of a 2 week long vacation thanks to her generous employer. For the major part of the day she had been resting and lazily reading a new book, while Akash had been juggling work with home search. After having lived in a rented apartment for 3 years, they had recently began shopping for a home, and it ate a lot of their time looking for properties, submitting offers (none had been accepted so far given how competitive the market was) and repeat the same over and over again. Even today, in the midst of work, while it was cold and raining outside, Akash had squeezed in some time during his lunch break for them to tour another property.
When Mili thought about it calmly, Akash really didn't have the time to sit and build the Christmas tree as she had accused him of, nor was he creative or artsy like her to have come up with an innovative idea in minutes. She felt a pang of guilt. Mili turned over to Akash's side and hid her face in his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him. Tears started streaming down Mili's face, soaking Akash's shirt. He wiped them, but they kept coming and he wiped them again.
They lay cuddled together in silence for a long time, when Mili spoke up, choking on her tears, her voice as faint as a muffled whisper, "Growing up, I'd see how others celebrated, how light and laughter would reflect off their balconies, how they had plenty of food and they'd call over friends and there would be so much joy in the loud voices that escaped through their windows. I'd ask mom why we couldn't have some of the festivities, and she would cut me off saying Santa didn't have anything for us. If I asked her again she would scold me for peeping at the neighbours. I'd ask dad and he would never say 'No', he'd always promise to throw a party next year, but it took me a few years to understand 'that next year would never come'. Ours was always the darkest home in our alley. Eventually I learnt to not ask."
Akash felt a lump form in his throat. He held Mili closer to him as she continued between sobs. "As I grew older I began to dread Christmas. Holidays meant dad would be at home, drunk, and there would be constant bickering and fights. While there would be feasts at the neighbours, mom would not even cook regular meals after the nasty fights with dad. It only grew worse till one day when dad disappeared and mom..."
'Killed herself', Akash knew even as Mili didnt finish the line.
Mili never understood what led them to it. Was it her mother's depression that led her father to alcoholism or was it his irresponsible nature that pushed her into depression, Or were they two individually good people forced into a toxic marriage. She would never know if either of her parent's loved someone else. But she could sense, even before she could speak, she wasn't loved or even wanted. Had she not been born, may be her parents would have separated and moved on with different people. She was the reason they had to stay in a marriage, they both loathed to the core.
"We never really grow up Akash, we only age. That child, those experiences, the memories, they never really go away. Somewhere I am still a 6 year old girl looking at the neighbour's Christmas tree and wondering why I can't have one. And in my bitterness, I am making you bitter too."
"I don't care Mili, I just know that I love you." He planted a kiss on her forehead and tucked the blanket around her ears. As the night progressed, secured in an embrace, Mili eventually drifted into sleep through her tear strained eyes.
***
The Christmas day was unusually cold and windy. Mili woke up with swollen eyes, but felt a lot better than the previous night. These days just having a normal day felt like a luxury. A normal day meant she could read and write and cook and do a million other things that she was a pro at. It meant she could be a confident, smart and funny 30 year old, and not have to feel like a lost 6 year old girl.
The morning went by just fine. Together they cleaned and tidied up the home, did some laundry and cooked a couple of dishes. But post lunch Akash insisted that they step out, even though Mili would have preferred slipping inside her blanket for a short afternoon nap. He hadn't forgotten his promise from the previous night, even though the more Mili thought about it now, the more embarrassed she felt. They drove to a dozen different places, but all the big stores were closed, as is customary on Christmas day in the US. A couple of small shops, mostly run by small time Asians, were open but they too had run out of stock.
It was getting dark now, Christmas was almost over, and the realization that he wouldn't be able to fulfil Mili's wish was clearly visible across Akash's face. It wouldn't have felt as bad if he had at least found the fairy lights or a Brownie mix to bake a cake, but as fate would have it, and because of his poor planning they would have to return empty handed.
On their way back home, buckled up inside the car, Mili casually asked, "Akash...what's your one wish for this Christmas?"
I had only one "To get Mili a Xmas tree" , he sighed.
Mili saw the disappointment in Akash. She saw how seriously he had taken his promise. A promise was a promise for him, not an excuse like it had been for her father. It was in that very instant, that it struck her. Her marriage wasn't like her parents.
Akash had loved her and married her, knowing she came from a broken home, where her father had walked out one morning and her mother had hung herself. He knew she carried demons from her childhood, and as much as she tried to run away, they did catch up with her from time to time.
But he also knew the other Mili, the one that Mili had herself created – a brilliant, hardworking, free spirited, compassionate, funny girl who was his friend, philosopher and guide. Like the day and night, he loved and cared for both versions of her. On dark nights when she made little sense, he didn't push her away. He didn't shy away from her meltdowns. Instead, he pulled her closer in the hope of a brighter day the next morning, and because of that he would always be her HERO.
But then there were days, when he went dim himself, when his energy would drain out, when he would lose faith in himself, like he had now, and that's when she rose like his saviour.
They both shined and dulled, both ran and slipped but they didn't push each other into darkness like her parents had. Their marriage was like a see-saw - when one fell, the other rose, when one failed, the other held fort.
She realized then that this was probably the greatest gift, the biggest blessing she could have ever asked for. It didn't matter that their balcony wasn't lit up like her neighbours, or she didn't have happy pictures to post, or that they didn't have a Christmas tree for Santa to stop by. Her home was still a cradle of joy, and every bit worth fighting for every single day.
****
Next morning Akash woke up to this, and he couldn't help but let tears roll down.
-- The end --