"Do not run away from pain, for it knows how to come back like a ray of light escaping through a crack. But once you've stopped running, embrace it, face it, then find a way to lead it back where it belongs." -Noor Unnahar.
Natasha's POV.
Returning home, I was in deep thought. I spent most of my life resenting my mom and trying to hide the fact that I really missed something in my life, and envied those who had it.
Growing up without my mom without knowing it created me a sense of imbalance and some childhood trauma, that hadn't really healed, I had just buried it under lots of projects, work, and a wonderful wall of confidence but I soon realized I was still broken, still bleeding and unknowing I was bleeding on those that didn't even cut me.
My heart felt heavy, why had I never seen that. Yes, my Tantin had tried really hard and I couldn't have done it without her. But in some way I had avoided healing myself, making the pain more bearable for myself. I had a lot of built-in anger I didn't even know about.
My trust issues were my choice, staying angry with my mom was my choice, and what happens in my life is because of my choice, especially if it personally affected me.
I had to let it out I had to do it for me, and no one else.
So I did something I have always wanted to do, I ordered a Uber to an old airport.
Standing there in a wide field on the plane tracks, triggered something in me. And I just scram.
I scram to my mom even though she wasn't there....
"Why did you have to leave me?!! Why did I have to be the only girl in school that didn't have a mother? Why did dad need to be so cruel?! Why do I feel so lonely?!"
Then I scram about how I felt about my brother....
I was upset that I couldn't be there for him...that I could do nothing to save him. I was upset because I missed him soo much but I never admitted it. I tried to be so strong, but every day I thought of him, I thought of his smile, the way his eyebrows would knit together when he was thinking, the plans he had made for the future, the house we were supposed to buy and the countries we were supposed to visit. All that joy become memories in less then a day...
I was also upset because I wish that day would never come, how everything changes from one day to another, I didn't know that that day would completely ruin my life. I wished with all my heart that we hadn't gotten into that car.
Then I was mad at myself for keeping that in for soo long! And the pain that it had caused me!
After all that screaming and releasing that anger I had bundled in for soo long, I felt empty, I felt soo tired however I was so happy, I felt like a huge weight had been taken off my shoulder, and I was ready now to move forward. I had finally freed myself from the prison I had held myself hostage and unlocking those doors by myself was a huge victory.
Heading home, I couldn't help but smile and think. Every situation in life teaches you something whether good or bad, however, it helps you to grow. For example, today, helped me to see the importance of talking to someone or expressing yourself, not bottling things up like a coke can being shaken because sooner or later it would burst.
The following days I spent a lot of time emptying and tidying up my space, getting rid of the things that I knew wasn't for me. I knew that they no longer served me, and I was holding on to it because I was scared of letting it go. But getting rid of all of this was so refreshing and opened my mind to new beginnings and opportunities.
And Tantin was recovering really well at the hospital. She was happy and learning very hard to work with her new friend, as she would call it.
As for Lorenzo he kept his words and waited patiently, he never bought it up to me. And I was grateful for that!
But right now I was sitting on my porch and I was thinking of soo many things in my life, the friends, my choice, where I was now, and how somethings won't plan, but I was even more grateful because it kept life interesting, I mean the good things in life, not the painful memories.
Suddenly my phone rang
"Hello?"
"Hey girlie! Where have you been hiding?" Natalie's voices flooded the speaker. I smiled.
"I am back now! How is the wedding things coming?"
"I honestly didn't know it was sooo much work! And we are trying not to go overboard and all but man, I am tired." Natalie admitted.
"I understand..."
We talked for a bit and laughed here and there like best of friends and then hang up. Natalie was my closest person I came to having a best friend honestly...
I also decided to look for another job or something don't know but browsing the internet was helpful.
Today was a new day for me, a fresh beginning. I finally was able to understand something important. My fears.
My fear to fall in love or to trust anyone, was something I allowed in myself to grow and I know it is hard however I figured out that I could do something about. Instead of using it as a shield and reason for many of my decisions in life, I started to make the difference.
My mom and dad didn't have the perfect love from what I saw but that doesn't mean love wasn't there, someone changed that was for sure because in the being it was present and as I rolled over the memories those happy moments actually colored my brain.
Then tackling the problem of trust, it helped to remember that those who hurt me are on one side, not everyone is the same, or out there to hurt me, and understanding that helped me a lot ot see the good that I have in my life.
No matter how long it would take for me to develop and stick to this mindset doesn't matter but I had come out a bit stronger, and bit wiser, and more open-minded!
I was ready for many of the things in my life now...whatever they are.
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New Chapter, just a heads up for those who have already read the book.
xx- IceSkatingIsLife0