KIM BONA
Two weeks later.
At the penthouse.
"Then the turtle went to finish line before the rabbit. The end. You like that, Gina?"
"No!" I answer for my girl. I know it's just ten p.m., but I'm sleepy already. I could be passed out any minute on this cozy bed and a thousand stories from the father of my child who talking to my stomach. He keeps distracting me not to sleep by talking, reading tales and blah blah blah thing to my baby bump. He said he wants her to remember his voice so that when she comes out, the baby girl would recognize him already. I know, I do know it's the sweetest thing of him, and I couldn't be more grateful. But he has talked to my baby bump for like two bloody hours already.
Every tales or every stories of him that he tells her—it all goes into my ear, illustrates in my head and gains the weight of my eyelids to make me want to be pulled into sleep right away unless he wouldn't constantly make the effect sound to illustrate his stories which makes me jump from napping any freaking seconds.
"So what's else you to wanna hear, my baby girl?" he asks my stomach. Is he serious?
"What about 'How To Let My Mommy Sleep Peacefully'?" I answer for her.
He leans himself up by his elbow, looking at me, and grumpily frowns. I'm about to think whether he's across with me since there's a little pause from him. Then, he says; half-serious, "You're supposed to eat more. Your stomach doesn't transfer as it should be."
I shake my head as lying down on the bed. "It's just three months."
By the way, he's quite right, though. My weight doesn't change too much comparing to when I wasn't pregnant. I typically still look skinny as 48 Kg. I've put on a little weight but not too much, but as I reckon it's going to be more processing. I'm glad that I stop pucking around ten times per day in these few days, although I've begun peeing A LOT instead. But I got to tell you, it's way too better than pucking. Trust me. Having a face constantly being stuck between toilet seat isn't funny at all.
In the meantime, GD sarcastically purses to me then lies on his stomach and talks to my baby bump again. "What about Dada sings for you? I can rap. You want me to rap?"
Oh, dear. I touch his shoulder and sit up. "Hold on. I need to pee. Be back a sec." Honestly, I really need to.
"You've peed like twentieth times today."
I teasingly sit on his legs as crawling out from the bed to go to the bathroom, and say with a small chuckle, "Yeah. And this is twenty-first."
He giggles and shouts in Korean behind me. "Hurry back. I'm waiting."
"Ne, Yeobo.^^."
KWON JIYONG
"Oppa. Oppa."
I woke up in shock, kicking the blanket out of bed. I think I just heard Daisies called, but I'm quite not sure. I perk up and glance at the red glowing clock on a nightstand. It's four in the morning and there is no Daisies on the bed.
As I assume that she probably just got up and go to pee (again), then she shouts loudly, "Oppa. GD!"
"What up?" I shout back, still eyes closed, still lying on the bed.
"Oppa...come here...please."
I swiftly sit up in stun. The way her voice is shaking and sobbing and almost dry in the mid sentence totally makes me jump out of my skin.
"Dais. You're okay?" I ask while getting up from the bed.
"...No." Clearly, she's sobbing. I quickly speed my steps to the bathroom as she pleadingly says, "Please come here. I think I'm dying."
What? I hurriedly open the bathroom door and the way it goes open widely—wide enough for me to see what's going on inside...I don't think I'm breathing right now.
The white floor at the middle of the bathroom is now fully occupied with red blood, it's slightly flowing down the floor and making the room into a horrible criminal vibe at the moment. I step inside and look at a pile of blood up to few blood footsteps and then up to Daisies, who's sobbingly sitting next to the toilet. Her two legs are full of the blood, she's still pouring blood down from her pants while I'm seeing.
My whole body perfectly turns frozen. I can't move for a while, and so does her. We stare at each other without words for a while, a zone of blood between the two of us.
Daisies is gripping her pyjamas tightly and crying so terribly. I've seen her cry a lot, but why is this time too way different than others? It's like she's broken into thousand pieces and dying as still breathing.
"I swear I was just peeing. I didn't do anything. I don't even know how'd these fucking blood come," she says, putting her face in her hands, still blood pouring.
"Fuck." I swiftly run into her after pulling myself together. "Dais. You're okay?"
What the fuck am I asking her for? Of course she's not okay. Not even me. I have no clue where to begin. My head stops processing into English version for a while.
I'm squatting next to her, stepping on the blood that makes me want to pass out any moment. She slightly lowers her hands down from her face, looking at me pathetically. Her eyes are extremely bloodshot, and she's crying like they are going to pop out right away. She opens her mouth and pauses for a while as if she isn't processing. It's just like she doesn't want to say.
Then she whispers shakily, reaching towards the toilet, "I don't know if it's really her."
I am stunned looking at her inaudibly.
The way I'm slowly standing up and mentally praying please don't be, I hopefully fucking desire that the toilet was far away from me like a mile before I could even look at it in any second. I don't think I woke up and came to see this at this damn four in the morning.
For God's sake, I'm not ready to watch this. I'm extremely fucking not. But I fucking have to.
...
I'm fucking speechless.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fucking Fuck!
...
Is...is that her?
......is that really my girl?
Someone please fucking tell me I'm dreaming. Dreaming in the cruelest nightmare.
I can't believe what I'm seeing.
I cannot look at it anymore.
A fucking tiny human I ever see flowing on the blood water in the toilet.
I look away immediately, holding the sink above Daisies's head to steady myself. My whole body is absolutely out of any goddamn energy. My heart just dropped to my feet, and seems not to be back to myself for a while. I'm perfectly deaf and dull. I'm hearing nothing right now. It's like the world stops moving for a moment.
Daisies lowers her head and holds it in her hands, sobbing hardly and tries to catch her breath at the same time. She says, almost screams, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm fucking sorry."
* * *
"Your baby has stopped growing up inside your wife for days. Also, her physical body is quite not supposed to be a room for growing babies at the first place,"
Some psychiatrist has said to me before he comforted me later, "But none of this is her fault nor yours that she's passed away for this early. Honestly, it's better than your baby grows up and dies while her gestational age is too late to be safe for you. The mother could've been dead as the baby destroys her already weak body. You got it?"
No...I don't get it at all.
Nurse heal her. I'll pay you more. I'll be your billionaire prince.
Please take my little baby girl back to me.
"This miscarriage ought be her last. I suggest. If you two really want to have your own kids together, you suppose to take it another way; you can get the scientific method if you could take risks. It wastes your money and time for like years. And there's only sixty percent that you could succeed this way. So I advise that it would be better for you two to get adoption instead. Her body is already poor and really unsuitable to get any more effection. And this miscarriage also has quite wrecked her body extremely. From now on, she's certainly going to have hemorrhages. And I want her to tak......"
Some doctor once told me and I barely caught up about what she said.
"No one ever wants this to happen, dude. I know being a father is one of your goal, even though it quite came too fast for you. But it might as well be great that you didn't officially announce about this to anybody else yet. There's just a few people who know about this. And we still can keep it secret like there's nothing ever happen between you two except the dating rumor,"
T.O.P gently comforted me while we were waiting outside the emergency room. He was the one who pulled us here since I was too numb to do anything after hardly got out from that bathroom. You filthy coward, Fucking Jiyong!
"You typically keep pulling my daughter down, GD. She should have gone home in America by now unless you didn't get her pregnant. There wouldn't have been bad blood between you and me. And look what you ended up together." I know I know, but could you not just say blood? "After she's allowed to be back home, I'll take her to mine. There's no need to ask your permission. She'll live with me until she gets better. And after then, I'd let her decide whether she wants to get back together with you or go back to America. And I think you probably knew what she's gonna decide,"
Judy noona insistently commanded. I did nothing but kept looking down and nodded.
"Mom, this is Jiyong. You remember when I called you the other day that we need to talk about something? Actually, it's nothing. I just missed you, Mom. A lot. Please take good care of yourself and send Dad my regard. I'll find some time to visit you later. Love, Jiyong,"
I texted my mom a message since I was way too emotional to speak a word. Maybe T.O.P hyung is right. We still can keep it secret like there's nothing happen... The less people know, the more we can cover it up quietly. And vanish your pain into thin air privately and not everyone ever notices.
"Emergency contact, Mr. Kwon Jiyong. First things first, the patient is safe now. We'd like to have your opinion whether you desire to fill the patient in by yourself after she woke up or let our physiatrist tell her instead."
I turned to her mom.
...then looked at her sleeping unconsciously through the tempered clear glass of hermetic door and replied, "No. Please do your best."
...then I turned to T.O.P hyung and said, "Take good care of her."
...then I walked away, packed my bags and left this city before she ever knew I was gone.
KIM BONA
Day one...I woke up in the hospital and there's no you around. Not even your shadow.
"Where is GD?" I keep saying this like a million times and no one can even answer.
But when I ask for my baby, they reply firmly...
"We're so sorry. But she's really gone."
My heart breaks into thousand pieces. I can't find words to describe how hurtful I am. Everyone keeps telling me it's not my fault. I won't believe it unless you tell me yourself. But you are not here.
I want to shut myself down, Oppa. I don't want to think anything for a while, but you haven't showed up yet. I need to stay awake for you. I need to wait for you. To hug me, comfort me and tell me everything will be alright. Even though I already knew, it won't. Things will never be the same.
I cannot even sit up on the bed. I'm hurting...both physically and mentally. I broke down. I need no one. I only need you. But where are you now?
"When will he come?" I ask Mom again.
"I don't know, Kim. You should get some sleep," she replies.
I glance at T.O.P who standing quietly at the end of the room. He just simply shakes his head for me and then walks away, as if he knows I can't even move to catch him and ask him where you are. All I can do is ask and ask and ask, even ask to the wall. I keep repeating the same words. I keep looking at the tempered glass of the door for any sight of you. Like a dog sitting by the door, waiting for its owner to come back. But you certainly are out of my sight. I keep crying for the same thoughts. I keep screaming when my vagina is bleeding, and I am hunted by reminding me of the last night when she was pouring down from my vagina.
Are you across with me that I made her gone?
I let my eyes fly open up all night and keep crying. Ugly cry, actually. I believe that maybe when my mom is gone, you would show up. You might be sneaking by the door. I keep gazing at it and crying like a shitty idiot.
Mom grips my hand and says, "He won't come back, Kim. Please get some shut-eye. I'll bring you home at mine."
I say without hesitation, "You don't know. My home is gone."
My baby is gone, never ever comes back again.
And you're gone, too.
I lost both of you at the same time. How can you do this to me?
...and I'm pulled into sleep less than ten seconds later...after I screamed so loud until my throat is completely dry and the doctor got me a shot then.
But do you know? The only last thing I memorize before I'm passed out is the way I'm gripping the ring that you gave me tightly, recalling when you were sitting by the hospital bed and switching it into my left hand. Just wish we could live that day again, when everything broke down, but you know...you were here right next door to me. The moment that I know you wouldn't run away like this.
KWON JIYONG
Day two...I have arrived in New York.
I am lying stupidly on the rugs in our apartment living room...where our Christmas tree still putting on in March.
I decided to come here, because almost 17 hours on a plane made me unable to crawl back to you even though how much I wanted to.
I had time to think alone. I quietly cried myself on the plane until I don't think there would be more tears left. I know you would be now crying so fucking harder than I've ever done in my lifetime. I know you would be asking for me and there's no one can answer where I am because I didn't tell anyone. I know you would be hurting physically and mentally like your world is breaking. I wonder whether pains can deposit to others—like transferring money in the bank. If it could be, please tell me how. I'll withdraw your pains to myself and I will be hurtful for you. Because the more I feel hurt, the more I get that you'll be hurting more like multiply by a million.
I do know I should be there with you and tell you everything will be alright. But I can't even comfort myself, and how can I even comfort you?
It's fucking absurd that I left you behind. It hurts you more than you already hurt. But I want you to hate me...so that at least you could feel angry than sad of losing her. Yeah, I am such a idiot. Don't you think I wouldn't know that?
There are non-stop missed calls from T.O.P hyung, also including voicemails and messages.
And I am terribly sorry that I turn it off, cutting myself out from the world. I could play numb to anyone, but I couldn't play numb to myself. Words and memories are stuck in my head, especially the bad ones. It's so funny, don't you think so? So far so good, we've all been keeping good memories for so long in our lifetimes, but the bad ones rent free in our heads and the good ones itself slightly fade away.
'You typically keep pulling my daughter down, GD. She should have gone home in America by now unless you didn't get her pregnant...'
This sentence from your mom has non-stop been repeating in my head. And I am positive that she's absolutely right.
If I love you, I should let you move on.
I once said to you that you dragged me down. Actually, it's me. If you and I weren't a thing, you would be back to your life at where you belonged. And none of these shits wouldn't have happened.
So please forgive me for running away like this. I have to. We have to. Please get well soon. And until we meet again, until I'm brave enough to see you...
please never let me crawl back to your life again.
KIM BONA
Day 3...I come back to the penthouse—our apartment. You're not here either. No one still can answer where you're gone. Where the hell are you now, Oppa?
My mom has commanded me to stay her place, but I rejected her because of you. I trust that there is the last place you would appear. I believe that you would come back home soon. Because you have to.
The way I hardly walk to where we live and you're not here anymore, the way I discover your wardrobe has gone a few clothes of you and your suitcase...I know that moment, you actually left me.
"You could stay at your old room upstairs if you want to," T.O.P offers.
I shake my head and insist to stay in our room, letting the door open up all night. Just in case I would hear your footsteps creeping to see me while I fall asleep.
During that day I've called and left voicemails for you every hours, but the same robotic voice constantly answers for you. We still can talk. You know that, right? This is not the end of us.
In the middle of the night, I'm lost in my dream. I see you walking turning back to me, you hand in hand with a blonde toddler girl. You lead her to under the big tree which's putting on alone in the middle of daisy meadow. But you know, it seems like you two are miles away from me. The more you walk forwards to the tree together, the more both of your backs are smaller and smaller. I try to call you and scream so loud to catch you, but both of you don't hear a thing. And then I woke up, hearing running footsteps approaching. I thought it's you, but I was so wrong. T.O.P runs from our living room to our bedroom, and we hug onto our bed.
"He will come back. Give him some time," he whispers against my ear and I immediately nod along.
I don't really mind about how long you are going to take. A week, a month, a year. I'll be okay whatever you decide. But you know. You can't leave me without any words or farewell. I've got so many injuries already, and how you're doing like this is making me more wounds. There's no plaster can fix the bullet holes. It's got to be you.
Please come back home. We still can fix it.
KWON JIYONG
Day 4...I decide to open your Christmas present that you have left.
Long hard breaths come and go until I can get rid of my nerves and unwrap it. There's a second box inside. I open it, and God knows I never expected this one before. It's a silver bracelet. Having a little butterfly hanging on. It's so beautiful and glamorous but not girly. I barely repeat wearing the same clothes or accessories. But this one is going to be stuck on my wrist for ever. That's all I know.
A tear gathering and I hold it backwards.
I also found you wrote me a letter which makes my heart races. Another long breath I take. And then I read.
Dear my beloved butterfly,
Merry early Christmas. I hope I could see your reaction while you're reading by myself and hope you love my first actual present for you. Well, it's very awkward to write you a Christmas card in early November and especially you are sleeping aside me right now. Haha. Maybe writing you a song would be easier than this. But how could we exchange gifts without cards, right? It's great though since I am bad at expressing the feelings.
I don't know how we would be in next month. I don't even know we'd still be the same like this then. There's a lot going on between us in these last few months and I couldn't predict anything that would happen in this December. It is what it is. Maybe we wouldn't be able to see each other again. Maybe we'd be strangers who can't speak each other again. I don't really know anything. But all I know is right now you are my everything.
I love you with all of my heart and soul. Beside from the darkest world I've been living, you are the brightest light to me. I am so poor and I don't deserve you. You deserve to get the best of everything. So I won't pull you back or anything after you could learn all of what happened about me. You have absolute right to walk away and I won't blame you.
I don't have money or a perfect parents or a nice career or even...babies. I don't have anything to give you or even the future. It definitely takes everything in me to say goodbye. But I have to...we need to. We already know we've been in the thin line and we don't last forever. If I could go back, I swear I wouldn't change anything. I really appreciate we took the fear out so that we can love each other. But you know...you deserve a better woman who takes care of your loyal heart, treats you the best, loves you with all of her spirits. Who can even give you pretty kids and you would be proud to have an impressive picture of your full family hanging in somewhere on the walls of your house. You shouldn't have me and I can't have you.
Thank you for everything you have given to me. Thank you for letting me be Daisies again. You're such a great butterfly. You give much more than pollinating my flower. Sometimes suicide comes shot in my head but when you joined in my life, that bullshit idea disappeared. It is replaced by the thoughts of you. What I would have missed if I didn't see you is all I considered. But it's time for you to pollinate another flower, baby. I have to let you go if I really love you. I hope next Christmas you could have a new better life without me. I'm sure we're going to be fine because that's all we should do. But please remember me...the picture of me wearing a daisy crown with a white dress standing among flowers and I could take you to the shade eventually. Please remember that I have loved you and I do and I will.
I will love you until I'm pushing up the daisies, Kwon Jiyong oppa.
Merry Christmas 2014
Daisies
"How can I pollinate another flower since I see no ones but yours? I fucking love you, too, Dais," I splutter, putting my face in my hands. A large sob has come as it has held back for too damn long. I cry under the Christmas tree and there's no you sticking me a plaster anymore.
After that at midnight, after I sloppy, ugly cried enough. I grab a pen and use the back of the note paper and start to write you a letter too.
KIM BONA
Day 5...I'm sent to hospital again since I can't stop internal bleeding.
I officially start to be mad at you than miss you already. I've died every day, but you perfectly have vanished into thin air. No signs, no phone calls. I hate myself crying over you, although I'm so mad at you. Are you fucking playing hide and seek? It's not funny, Kwon Jiyong. You idiot!
It feels like I'm perfectly exile. You abandoned me and forced me the thoughts that you're literally indifferent about how grief I'm going to get. Our backstories don't seem strong enough for you to hold your doubt behind and come to talk? I know you're hurtful, but neither am I? It's just mental illness that you've got. But I've got both physical and mental ones.
KWON JIYONG
Day 6...it's another day waking up alone.
I blame for the heat in here that makes me have to wake up in the middle of every nights to wear fucking socks by myself. I used to have you wearing them for me while I'm not suspicious. I used to have you recovering the blanket for me when I constantly keep kicking it out. I used to have you putting my head onto your chest after I fell down from the pillow and you embrace me into your warmest small arms that feel so fucking cozy than any bedclothes in the world. Now, I look back and laugh with tears, you were the one who kept wriggling on the bed, and eventually we definitely exchanged our patterns. I used to have your beautiful breasts that I'd love to hold them like a toddler holding their favorite teddy bear as sleeping, and right now I have to grip a bare blanket instead. I also remember that I used to have you kissing me in the morning when you thought I didn't wake up yet, I pretended to wake up later so that you could give me sneaking kiss. I also used to have you waking up before me so that you can prepare my bag for work and I can have more time to sleep. I used to have you tangling up with you onto bed up all night. I still clearly can see us twisted onto bed sheets. You sincerely have been proving me how much you love me by your manner rather than your words.
Finally, I deathly get up from the bed at three p.m. of the day. I pull myself into the bathroom that seems so far away as if I'm headed from the rooftop to the front yard. And then I can see a zombie reflecting through the mirror. Well, the mirror...
I hate my reflection—probably just like the way you might be hating me now.
I clearly remember I used to have a little lipstick notes that you always left them on the mirror for me every morning. Sometimes I couldn't stop grinning. The way you tried to write Korean words on it, but did you wonder that's the most ridiculously adorable typo in the world? Now these little details come killing me the most.
"I've missed you."
I decide not to take a shower nor change any clothes. Staying in the apartment all day and all night. There's not too much I can do in here. But I don't want to go anywhere either, even though I am actually in the most freedom city in the world. So I finally turn on my cell phone. There're countless messages that waiting for me to respond. None of them matters except yours.
I breathlessly type open your latest voicemail the other day like an unwrapping your letter yesterday. Now here goes...
"Kwon Jiyong, where the hell are you?" Your voice is shaking and almost dry and sounds literally angry. "I know you're freaked out and sad. I am, too. My heart is hurting and my inside body is going to collide down. I've cried as much as my vagina has been bleeding. I've lost her and now I've lost you. I think I'm gonna die. So please come home. I hate this city screaming your name every day. We still can fix it, Oppa. We still can change the end. And don't you forget" —and I hear you pause to sniff hardly—"my heart is with you. So don't take it away from me where I can't reach. I love you. Always saranghae."
"I always saranghae, too, Daisies." Then I throw the phone to the Christmas tree until it scatteredly collapses down on the floor like the way I do.
KIM BONA
Day 7...I can't bear this anymore.
"T.O.P oppa." He's asleep on the floor next to our bed. I wake him up at the middle of the night. "We have to find him."
"But you hardly walk," he reminds me about the strong truth, but I also strongly insist. It's the seventh freaking day, Kwon Jiyong! It's been a whole week that you're gone. You never gave me any signs, and I need to find you. I need to defend what my heart supposedly wants.
"But if I keep staying like this, I hardly breathe either. It's torturing me any breath I take," I honestly tell him.
"Bona..."
"I have to find him. We have to. And I know you probably know where he is. So please help me find him. I can't take this shit anymore."
He watches me thoughtfully for a while, and then he replies, "Okay. Tomorrow we will find him."
"No," I extremely insist. "We have to go right now."
KWON JIYONG
Day 8...I'm standing in front of your mom's. Heart beats so fast as if I would be ripped out from my chest. But I didn't come here to pull you back, even if I fucking want to. I just came here to give you the key and you know...end this relationship officially.
"I'm so sorry, Noona. But I have something to talk to her." I grip her fence tightly like a dog begging for owner letting me come inside.
She cooly looks at me head to toes as if she's seeing some disgusting jerk, and her eyes absolutely tell me I'm not like a dog. I am a beggar. The beggar who doesn't beg money but begs for another chance to see his princess again.
Then she answers, "She's gone back to her place."
What? "When? Is it temporary?"
She crosses her arms, shrugging her shoulder like she doesn't give a fuck. "I'm her mother not her bodyguard. Why do I have to know everything about her life? Maybe she's moved on and never comes back again. You know, you should move on too and focus on your works. Everyone has kept reaching you for days. So get your ass back to where you belong. She's left and I pray she won't come back again. I made a mistake for taking her here, but I won't be doing anything like that again. Everything is gonna be back like the same."
Everything is gonna be back like the same? Nothing will be the same, Goddamn mom. I'm sorry, Dais. But your mom is a bitch.
So you actually left? You left faster than I ever thought. How can I give the key of your apartment in America?
When you're gone and moved on...
I realize. Maybe this is how you felt when I first left you. Torturing but have to accept the truth.
At the time, I head straight to my own mom's at Busan, not stopping by any places, not even the penthouse. The places we were together are screaming your name, too, Dais. I'm just terrified that if I retour any one of them, Lord knows I would be unknowingly appearing at where you might be again. I just don't want to drag you down again, you know, if you really moved on like your mom said.
KIM BONA
Day 9...I'm sitting by our collapsed Christmas tree, knowing you're not here either.
Its decoration has disrupted around the living room, included the polaroid pictures of us has scatteredly slipped away. And my Christmas present for you is gone, too, but yours are replaced onto the couch with a letter clinging in its ribbon.
So you actually were here...
I take one long hard breath before slip out the letter and drop it on the couch. It's hard than I ever expect. I've seen a lot of movies, especially the reading farewell letter scenes. But you know? None of word notes would have happened, if there didn't have lost scenes. If it comes farewell letters, it means someone is gone. It's the truth, isn't it? Like the way I wrote one for you before, and you probably read already.
I unbox your Christmas present that we meant secret Santa together. Then I start to sniff and catch my breath again when I see the title of the deed of this apartment, closuring my name of the owner properly. You're not homeless anymore! I love you Daisies. A small note post-it onto the titled deed which matters for me than any things. I didn't want this place because it belonged to my biological father. I didn't want it because it felt like I'm in exile. My home isn't walls and a roof into room. My home is you. I always told you, Oppa. And I am homeless because you left me.
Then, more tears come when I see there's a Daisy fragrance in the box that you bought me for a present. This smell will remind you're always Daisies when I am not around you. Although no one knows the real you but Kim. For me, you always my Daisies. Another post-it you stuck onto it. Another soft sob comes.
T.O.P warmly rubs my hair from behind to encourage me and starts to clear up the mess of the Christmas tree to give me some privacy.
Then...I get rid of my nerve and flip the letter to open it. And I grow a small dry chuckle when I found you waxed the brink letter with a Care Bear plaster.
Then...I start to read.
Dearest Daisies,
I'm not good at writing words into letter except writing songs. Well, writing you songs. So I'm sorry if it isn't long enough for you, even if how much I wanted to. You know I really can't put my countless apologies into one page. You're meant so much to me and I hate myself for not treating you good enough. I know I am such a dickhead and I won't blame anything. I am so sorry about us loosing Gina. It's like the world crashing down on me. But I do know, for you, it's like the universe. This pain will never be forgotten in our lifetimes. It's a scar that our plasters are useless to stick on. But don't you think the reason why I left you because you lost her. WE lost her. It's not your fault at all. It's absolutely not your fault that you're too weak to carry on babies. You've been through so much and I know you're running out of energy. So please don't blame yourself about this. Blame it all on me. I'm the one who dragged you down, ruined your life into thousand pieces. Just think about what-ifs. What if I didn't love you. What if I didn't force you to stay with me. You know that right? None of these shits would have happened to you. You wouldn't have discovered your shitty biological father. You wouldn't have been reproached by many people around the world. You wouldn't have been through a lot of shits that my city has given you. And You wouldn't have had a miscarriage. You would be singing beautifully on your own song that you wrote by now. Your life would have been so much better, if I didn't love you. The moment I saw you sitting amongst the blood in the bathroom or the moment I see you being cure, having many nasal cannula oxygen. I know that then that we aren't supposed to be together. This is how I've put you through and I feel so fucking terrible for it.
So this is why I left you. I need to, must to, have to let you move on, despite of how extreme I want you. Please forgive me for everything I have done to you, and go get your life back. I'm taking it all back to you. It's not all. But I'll try my best to run everything as properly as it was before. Here's your titled deed of this apartment that I enclosed in your Christmas present. You should own this place more than me. And I also want to make sure this is the last thing I could do to make it up for you. So you can have your own place when you came back to live here.
And before this page will be running out of the blank. I want you to know. Don't close the gate of love. Don't hide your pollen from another butterflies. We don't last forever but it's not that your love will be last. You deserve the best man in the world who fills your weakness with his love rather than pains like I did, who will be loving you like a crazy odd man. I pray he will be loving you as much as I do and perhaps much more than me. You should have been happy, and I want you to have the real one right away.
Because I love you so much, that's why I have to let you move on.
And I will love you until I'm pushing up the daisies.
Always 사랑해
Kwon Jiyong oppa
And what-ifs, what if we could work it out somehow as long as we trust in our faithful love? It's like bending over backwards, but you threw in the towel too easily. We were something, don't you agree with that?
Whatever. I'm sorry. I put your letter against my chest and realize maybe I'm too selfish. I just can't face the fact that we already drove to the dead end. Yeah, right. We always walked in a very thin line.
So how we are supposed to end up together when we already see the end as it begins?
So if this how we suppose to do...
"You come back. I'll live here," I tell T.O.P.
He certainly insists. "No. I will not come back home alone."
"I'm in exile. This is where he wants me to be."
"That dickhead can't draft the law. You can live wherever you decide. And your house is in Korea, remember?"
I shake my head. "I decide to live here so that we can move on. We better be apart than being together. You knew I'm right." I didn't mean that, though. But I said it because this is what you meant to be.
He exhales oppressively then says, "Come back Korea with me first, Bona. I believe we still can fix somehow." Then he pauses, looking at me in the eyes. "But if we really run out of ways, I'll myself take you back here. I promise."
KWON JIYONG
Day 10...if I wasn't breathing now, I'd completely believe that I'm really dead. Well, maybe dying would be easier than this.
It's such a dilemma and torture me as hell, Dais. These ten days drive me nuts and killing me the most. I tried to not think about you, but forbidden fruit is always sweeter. I think about you every single breath that I take. I hope you won't be like me because I do understand that it's fucking torture. I hope you get better, both physically and mentally, Dais. I hope you moved on....do I?
By the way, I just collected our baby girl ashes yesterday. I didn't know you want her to be at your hometown or not. But I decided to put her here where our love begins.
At the time, I'm lying on the floor of my childhood room, just looking at the non-stop calls on my phone screen but not even picking up. Because none of them is you. You have stopped calling me since day 8 that I have arrived back to Korea. You know? I am fighting with my own self about whether I should call you or not. I'm such OCD, wanting to redo same shits.
"Why don't you fucking die yet, dickhead? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
I perk up and there's T.O.P hyung leaning against the doorframe. I knew it. My mom surely just called and told him where I am. Fuck it. Hyung looks totally exhausted and angry at the same time. My Daisies, your brother heads straight to me and pulls my collar up and bends my back backwards. I wonder if you were here, would you stop him or let him kill me?
"This is how you left her and ran away? You son of a bitch." I think he's going to hit me, but he tries to hold his fist in the air. I hope his fist were a knife and I will tell him Do it, bro. Please kill me. I don't want to breathe anymore.
"You know you're, too, in the bitch's place that you just called," I dare piss him off because I want him to kill me.
"Go suck your dick." He doesn't hit me with his giant fist like I expected. He just pushes me to the floor hardly and my head hits the edge of wood chair instead. I still survive, anyway. Fuck. "She went to find you, though she hardly can walk. Are you out of your mind? If you want to end it, you should tell her into her face. Not running away. You shitty crap!"
I don't know how he is reacting because I keep looking at the fucking ceiling like a shitty crap that he just called me. I do know, he's fucking mad at me. But this time who wouldn't be mad at me anyway? I don't only left you but I also left everyone—my team, my workers. I know everyone is waiting for me and I am waiting for myself, too. Sorry, guys. Fucking G-DRAGON can't come to the phone right now.
"Ending bad is better than ending good," I murmur and he kicks my hips hardly.
"Don't be such a baby. Get your ass up and come with me. We have fucking schedule to do and Bona is waiting for you." He tries to pull me up, but I drop my entire weight to my ass.
"She is?" You are?
"Fucking yes. But she stopped finding you already because she thinks she's fucking exile by you. But I know you don't mean that. So now get yourself out of here with me. We have a lot of plates to do so."
"No. I will stay here for a while." I jerk away. "You're the co-leader. Take care of the rest for me. I'll be back when I'm ready. And tell her for me that she's not exile, this relationship sucks."
He's really fucking pissed off this time, I can tell. But who cares anyway. It seems he really wants to punch me into my face again. But I know him damn well, Dais. He's the calmest person that I ever know. I'm happy that you have him as a brother. He's the best person that's not going to leave you no matter what.
After he took his deep long breath, he says calmly, "Don't be like this, Jiyong. You're G-DRAGON. You're our only one leader who never ever gives up anything in the world, even though you do know damn well that how fucking hard you have to bend over backwards for it. But you still fight for your way—for our way, actually. I've sincerely fucking respect you more than my own parents, even though you're even younger than me. You put me on the map, Jiyong. You made me and the boys be who we are today. You always fight for what really matters for us. This is the best thing of you that I think you're forgetting. So pull that guy back to yourself. Let's wake G-DRAGON up!"
And that moment, I begin to wonder aloud, Dais.
I wonder I am Kwon Jiyong or G-DRAGON.
I wonder you are Kim Bona or Daisies Kim.
I wonder who we are and what we are supposed to do.
What am I? What are we, Daisies? Who should we be? And what do we do?
At the time, I think I hear your voice. You're whispering against one of my ears. You're saying...
"You're you. You're both Kwon Jiyong and G-DRAGON. The one who never gives up on what really matters."