His Gray Half

6. Rims And Unwishes

"You wha—"
Hamilton was more curious than judgmental.

"Not consciously...it's more semiconscious. I find some excuse like extra exercise and doctor's blah blah blah, just to take the longer route home, but deep down I hope that I get to see him along the way; I even go for RWHB's freaking games since I knew he showed up there once, and sit all through its excruciating boredom; and when I hear that he's likely to be around somewhere or I sense the possibility of an event I feel will normally interest him, I attend, just to see him. I always cook up reasonable excuses to do these, even though I just don't have any sensible reason to, but I find myself doing them."

He sniffed like he was killing a running nose, and never in any attempt did he try to look Hamilton in the eye.

"Oh Aaron..." There was no more sadder way he could have said his name.
"Love doesn't require validation from your senses. It's like a surfer on the open blue ocean. All they know and feel is the force of the wave they ride on, and how its tide leads them. And right now, all you feel is that very wave of emotion, which is brimming with strength, propelling you in it's path —"

Aaron cut in, in an act of self chastisement. He needed reprehension.

"—on his Instagram, I scroll to pictures of him from years back and love them; I even comment in a very nice and friendly way, hoping that he'd acknowledge it and either reply or react to it, but he doesn't, even though I see his post and uploads hours after."

He wanted to feel bad for his somewhat childish stupidity, and he wanted Hamilton to whip him with lashes of words to make him quit his seemingly futile struggle at reaching for the stars.

"I totally understand how you feel –"
Nobody should be chastised for loving another, and the bald therapist knew just that.

"Hamilton, with all due respect, you do not. I even google his interest, watch The Simpsons his favorite cartoon and use pictures of the characters as my social media display photo...I even regulate each character for each week to show how much of a fan I am, just to have his attention, but I don't get them. Maybe he sees it, maybe he doesn't, but I hate to think that he doesn't or that I do not interest him enough."

"When you do see him, what do you do?"

The billion dollar question came, and so did a wrecking ball drop on his chest.

"Nothing!" He slightly cringed and molded a fist, while digging his nails into the flesh of his palms. The pain distracted him from the actual pain.
"I freeze up and stare at him for no good reason. I look at him and I'm lost in thought of so many moments I could have with him, and by the time I snap out of it, he's disappeared with no trace. Most times when I first spot him on my path, I run and hide or take a longer path to my destination."

"Tell me, why are you afraid of him, did he tell you anything in particular?"

"Yes. He told me to stay away from him."

"And do you know why?"

"Because...maybe because I said it's his life and I don't know him, and also the fact that I let him have sex with the girl he hates the most. In my defense he was really drunk, and I did not know where he's stays, and she did as she offered to take him home."

"You know Adrian better than anyone else, what do you really think is the real reason Adrian is pushing you away?"

That wasn't it. The truth was more painful to bring to the surface, a truth he's been in denial of for a very long time. Maybe it wasn't time to admit it yet. "Will admitting it do any good?" He thought.

"The real reason he... The reason is..." He took a deep breath and slowly freed it, raised his head for the first time since he had begun talking, to look into Hamilton's face.
"The real reason he is pushing me away is because he's scared that I'll get hurt if I come into his life."