Memories

LIII

FOR HIM.

'You don't have to say I love you to say I love you
Forget all the shooting stars and all the silver moons
We've been making shades of purple out of red and blue
Sickeningly sweet like honey, don't need money
All I need is you'

⥎
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"Let me use your phone."

"What?"

"You heard me. I need your phone. Riko took mine when I first came here and hasn't given it back." Thalia said, her hand out and waiting. "I need to make a call." Gracie hesitated but sighed and pulled out her phone from her back pocket and handed it over to Thalia. "Thanks." she murmured as she entered the phone number she remembered. It was ingrained in her brain. She could only hope he'd pick up.

"Hello?"

"Neil." Thalia breathed. She collapsed onto the bed behind her. Gracie stepped out of the room and closed the door, sensing it was a sensitive call. Thalia was thankful. "I don't have much time, this isn't my phone, so don't try calling it again."

"Thalia? Are you alright?" he asked. Thalia shook her head though Neil couldn't see it.

"Someone left me a lovely message this morning. I didn't even know it was my birthday," Thalia said in French. "So that was a surprise. You never told me."

"No, I didn't." Neil said, using the same language. "I got the same message. I guess you got the blood, too, then." Thalia hummed. "It's my birthday as well, Thalia. We were born on the exact same day a year apart. It was laughable back when we were kids. But I guess that's not what you called to talk about."

"It was, but it wasn't the only thing." Thalia hesitated and bit her lip. "Is Kevin alright? Did you get Jean to the Trojans? How's Andrew doing?"

"Kevin's heartbroken and wanted to punch Jean the moment he heard he was with us. Yes, I saw your note and sent Jean to the Trojans. He didn't want to go, and I'm still wondering how you got Jeremy Knox's phone number, but I won't ask that now." Neil said. "Andrew's alright. He's much different off his medication, obviously. No smiles. Won't talk to anyone unless absolutely necessary."

"Riko didn't do it," Thalia spurted, needing to get it out there.

"What do you mean, Riko didn't do it?"

"He didn't put the blood in our lockers, and didn't write those messages. Who else could have done it?" Thalia said.

"How can you be sure?" Neil asked.

"I'm sure, Neil. Now answer my question or let me talk to Kevin." Thalia spat. It was a Friday. The Foxes had just won their game against the Terrapins, so Thalia knew Kevin would be around. There was a shuffle and talking before the voice on the other end of the line switched and Thalia couldn't help but smile despite the tears in her eyes.

"Why?" Kevin asked, voice tired and breathless from going all out on his game. "Why did you do it?" he said in French.

"Kevin, you know why. Did you see my painting?" Thalia asked. He hummed, trying to save his voice. "Good. Then you know. Kevin, I don't know what to say to you right now. Congratulations? I miss you? I wish you were here? But that's not true. I don't wish you were here, and I'm glad you're not. I just want to listen to your voice."

"Thalia, how can you write what you did on the back of that painting and then leave me without an explanation?" Kevin sounded more than a little hurt. Gracie stepped back in the room and gestured that Thalia's time was running out. That's when the tears started falling. "You can't say I love you to someone and then go and be tortured and abused by someone you know will hurt you in any way he can think of."

"Kevin," Thalia's voice wavered. "I'm sorry. I have to go. You can't call this number back, or everyone involved will be in danger. I love you. I really do. But I have to go."

"Happy birthday, my love." Kevin said quietly in French before Thalia hung up the line. She put her hand over her mouth and shut her eyes. Gracie sat next to her on the bed and took the phone out of her hands. Gracie rubbed her hand on Thalia's back to comfort her, and Thalia turned and burrowed her face in Gracie's shoulder.

"It's okay," Gracie said quietly and soothingly. The fresh cut on Thalia's thigh burned and reminded her of the pain she could cause to herself. But the feeling of her heart breaking was worse, and she could hardly breathe.

"Hey, hey, look at me." Gracie said and held Thalia's shoulders, forcing her to look into Gracie's eyes. "In," Gracie said and Thalia breathed in with her. "Out," she exhaled. They repeated this until Thalia got control of her breathing. "You're okay, Thalia. You're going to be okay."

She wasn't, but that was besides the point. Gracie was a friend trying to help her get better, and she was refusing the treatment. Thalia couldn't keep doing this to herself. Breaking down and trying to build herself back up again. She'd die before it worked, either willingly or unwillingly. It frightened Thalia, but she didn't know how to stop it.

She wouldn't be okay so long as she didn't know who she really was, or who she had been. What she'd been through and the things that made up her entire being. Thalia had to find out who she really was, or her whole world could destroy her.

"I need a cigarette," she whispered and stumbled outside. Thalia took a moment to compose herself and walked down the corridor and out of the building. She turned a corner and ducked under the chain fence. Thalia made her way to her usual spot, where a collection of cigarette butts was culminating. She took out a stick and her lighter but spotted something in the distance that she hadn't noticed before. Thalia put her things back in her pocket and headed in the direction of the thing.

It surprised her that it was a gravestone, and startled her even more that it had her name on it. Well, a name that Riko used. That Kevin had used when he'd first found out that Thalia and Neil weren't who they said they were.

Nathalia Wesninski was written in bold letters at the top of the gravestone, along with a birthdate and death-date. Her age was printed below that, along with the words 'Sister, Daughter and Friend to all' Thalia remembered what Kevin had told her. They were told she was dead. So none of the Moriyamas actually knew she was still alive until late last year. Suicide, they'd been told. The newspaper even said so.

"Nathalia Wesninski is dead," Thalia whispered to herself. She wouldn't be her past. Wouldn't let herself dwell on it any longer. Only moments ago she'd been telling herself her life wouldn't be complete until she knew everything about her past, but now Thalia realised she didn't care. That maybe losing her memories was giving her a second chance. A poor start to a second chance, but she would make the most of it. "But Thalia Josten isn't."