Before Rosa

[BR 33]

"Raffy, nasa'n na tayo?" tanong ko maya-maya. Naka-idlip nanaman ako at paggising ko'y nakatigil na ang kotse. Pipikit-pikit kong inilibot ang aking tingin. Madilim na sa labas.

"Nasa labas tayo ng gate ninyo," sagot niya. "Are you ready?"

I stared at Raffy's eyes, trying to make sense of how I felt so that I can answer his question truthfully. But I didn't feel anything. All I have was a vast emptiness inside of me.

"Hindi ko alam Raf," sagot ko sa kaniya. "I don't think I'll ever be ready."

He nodded. "Naiintindihan kita."

I let one of the corners of my lips raise in a sad smile. Raffy's "Naiintindihan kita," spread warmth throughout my whole body. Siguro, kung ibang tao ang nagsabi noon sa 'kin, hindi ako naniwalang sincere sila. Pero pinagdaanan na ni Raffy 'tong pinagdaraanan ko. It felt oddly reassuring.

Nagbuntong-hininga ako. Inipon ko muna ang lahat ng aking lakas bago siya sinagot. "Tara na," sabi ko.

Raffy nodded before maneuvering the car towards my childhood home.

○●○

Nahirapan si Raffy na humanap ng parking area sa malaking parking lot ng bahay namin. For some reason, puno ito ng saksakyan. Buti na lang at may bakante sa bandang likod, malapit sa isang puno ng manga. Raffy parked there.

Nang patayin niya ang makina ay tumingin siya sa 'kin. "Sabi ni Kei, hindi siya makakauwi dahil packed ang schedule niya hanggang next week. Nasa Australia siya ngayon. But they wanted to say that they love you."

Tumango ako. "Tell him I understand."

He gave me a thin smile before nodding. He went out of the car to open the door from my side. Inalalayan niya 'ko palabas.

"Pwede kong hawakan ang kamay mo?" bulong ko sa kaniya pagkalabas.

Raffy searched my eyes for a while, then gave me a kind smile. "Oo naman," aniya sabay kuha ng isang kamay ko. "Tara?"

I heaved a deep sigh. Sinubukan kong punuan ng hangin ang kawalan sa loob ko. It didn't help. So I just exhaled loudly. "Tara."

Mabagal lang ang lakad namin ni Raffy papunta sa main door. Maliwanag na maliwanag ang ng bahay ngayon dahil sa Christmas lights na kumukuti-kutitap sa labas. Nakabukas rin ang halos lahat ng ilaw sa first floor.

But despite the colorful and joyous outlook, the mood in the place was tense. Like Santa is coming to town any minute now, but instead of presents, he's coming to with bombs. Walang Christmas song na tumutugtog mula sa malaking speaker. Walang tawanan. 

Instead, the house was filled with tensed whispers. Groups of people come in and out of our residence every few seconds. Every group was engaged in their own serious conversations. I couldn't understand what they were saying but I can see them shaking their heads in dismay. 

Raffy and I passed by them quietly. But even then, I still caught their attention. Some stopped talking when they saw me, some avoided eye contact. But no one came to talk.

I walked forward. I'm vaguely aware of my figure, the seven-month preganant belly that I sport. I'm vaguely aware of their more intense whispering after I passed by. I would've ran away if Raffy wasn't holding my hand.

Pagtapak ko sa loob ng bahay namin, sinalubong ako ng malaking family picture. Tinitigan ko lang 'yun, kahit na hindi ko alam ang dapat maramdaman sa nakikita. 

My eyes flicked towards the image of Papa. Bigla akong nahirapang huminga. Hindi ko napansing bumabaon na pala ang kuko ko sa kamay ni Raffy. Buti na lang ay narinig ko ang impit niyang pagdaing.