Just for you

Chapter 2

after school i walk to the library and find some books on depression. i don't really need them but i got to pretend i don't know what depression is. i sit at a far table away from everyone else and start my project. about an hour later i had wrote a paragraph. it was more like a poem though. 

"Hey fag." i hear Liam's annoying voice and look up to see him standing in front of the table alone. odd, he's never alone. i look back at my paper and books.

"what do you want?" i snapped back at him. he was quiet for a minute and then sat in the chair across me. 

"we have a project to do." i chuckled and kept writing. 

"since when do you do your own work? and since when do you do your own work with me?" i looked up at Liam as i asked my last question. 

"fine loser your on your own." Liam snapped and left the library. 

"see you on the way home." i mumbled as he walked away. 

next day after first class Miss Dove asked us to stay and see what we had so far. Liam went first. 

he clears is throat in a none mature way. "Depression is when you mom takes your lap top or you Xbox. depression is crying and being a loner." i shake my head as he went on. when he was done Miss Dove inhaled and looked at me.

"Marcus? what do you have and if it's anything like his i don't wanna hear it." i look at Liam and shake my head. "okay Marcus what is depression?" i take a deep breath and look at my paper.

"Depression..." i choke on the word. Liam laughs but i ignore him.

"the only way i could put depression into words is explaining my depression as a conversation.
my depression is a shapeshifter. one day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear the next it's the bear. on those day's i try to play dead until the bear leaves me alone, i call the bad day's 'the dark days' they say 'try lighting candles' but when i see a candle, i see the flesh of a church.  the flicker of a flame, sparks of a memory younger than noon. i am standing beside her open casket. it is the moment i learn every person i ever come Besides, I'm not afraid of the dark. Perhaps, that's part of the problem. they say, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed." I can't. Anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head. they say, "Where did anxiety come from?" Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out-of-town depression felt obligated to bring to the party. I am the party. Only I am a party I don't want to be at. they say, "Why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends?" Sure, I make plans. I make plans but I don't want to go. I make plans because I know I should want to go. I know sometimes I would have wanted to go. It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun. You see, each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light. Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company. they say, "Try counting sheep." But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake; So I go for walks; but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists. They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness I cannot baptize myself in. they say, "Happy is a decision." But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg. My happy is a high fever that will break. they say I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat-out asks me if I am afraid of dying.
No. I am afraid of living. I am lonely. I think I learned that when mom left how to turn the anger into lonely — The lonely into busy; So when I tell you, "I've been super busy lately," I mean I've been falling asleep watching Sports Center on the couch To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed. But my depression always drags me back to my bed Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city, My mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves. The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat, But I am a careless tourist here." i took a deep breathe and looked at Miss Dove. it was very quiet. Liam didn't even laugh or make fun of me. i let a tear fall down my cheek and run out the room. Miss Dove calls for me but i keep going. i hide in the bathroom and let my tears fall. i close the stall door and lock it. i sit on the toilet and think about what i had read out loud. something else Liam can bully me about. i could hear the door open and someone walking in. i listen to him walk around and then stop in front of my door.