Down For The Count

I'm Not Okay

"Alright, you've got to get up. Unless you want me to carry you down three flights of stairs, but I can't promise that you won't get dropped." Lin grinned. His grin immediately faded, however, when he realized the expression on my face was just as blank as ever. "That was a...that was a joke, P. You can laugh."

I wish I could laugh.

I wish I could do something.

Lin held out his hand, obviously to try and help me up.

Maybe his comment about dropping me scared my body a little bit, because my hand reached out for his, and I was pulled up onto my own legs.

My legs felt like gelatin from staying in bed all day. I probably didn't look much different than a baby giraffe learning how to walk.

My legs would not cooperate.

But I took a shaky step forward as I walked towards the front door, Lin closely behind me, almost like he was preparing to catch me if my legs suddenly decided to give out.

We finally made it to the car, Lin having to help me get in.

I don't know why my energy is so insanely low. It's bizarre.

"Hey, uh...Vanessa and I got to talking last night, and...how would you feel about seeing Dr. Conan again?"

Dr. Conan. The therapist that I had a massive love-hate relationship with.

Sometimes she's pretty cool.

But most of the time she's kind of the worst human being alive.

I get that it's her job, but she's just so pushy. I hate it.

"No." Was all that I said.

Lin nodded slowly, obviously trying to be supportive, but I could tell he wanted a different answer. "Okay, uh, well...it doesn't even have to be her. We can try a different therapist if you don't want to go back to Conan. But...therapy needs to be a regular thing again."

I hadn't started therapy since I've been back with Lin and Vanessa. It's not that they haven't offered. Heck, they've been pushing it ever since I got back.

But I thought that I was okay. I thought I was alright.

Maybe I'm not alright.

But I don't have the energy for therapy.

"No. I'm alright."

"See but you're not alright." Lin said, and I immediately frowned. "And that's okay, P. You don't have to be alright. But you deserve to be able to talk things out with someone. Someone other than your parents and your friends. And that someone is a therapist."

"I don't want to right now." I said quietly.

Lin stayed quiet for a bit, the car silent as we drove down the road.

"It doesn't have to be right now. But sometime soon, okay? Please just think about it."

I nodded to appease him, but I knew I didn't have to think about it. I just want to stay in bed all day, everyday. I don't want to go to therapy. I'm not strong enough to go to therapy yet.

Pretty soon we rolled up to the theatre. I got out of the car with Lin's help, shivering as soon as the door opened and the cold air hit me.