Behind Closed Doors

self-neglect

I have my days where I want to eat but I just can't bring myself to do it. And eventually when I am able to eat, first thing tht goes to my mind is my weight. And I start to stress eat. And that is very much hard to stop. This, in fact, occurred about 2 days ago. I decided to call my mom in and ask her about letting me attend therapy. She asked if I thought I still needed it but then proceeded to say that I'll eventually get through it and that I don't need therapy. I thought her words over and then she made a deal with me. If I still felt any kinds of depressed in 2 months, then she would allow me to attend counseling. Good news, right? Wrong!
After I agreed I immediately went to thinking that I was being childish. I felt like I was doing it for attention. I slept for a bit before I was called to go eat something since I hadn't eaten at all that day. What I had was an entire meal. I was very cautious while eating because I had already felt guilty for eating from the jump. Then I just started plunging food into my mouth until I finished. After about 15 minutes of me physically forcing myself to eat, I ran straight to the bathroom and locked myself in. I felt guilty and I was pissed with myself. That led to a mental breakdown. Which eventually led to me beating against my head and thighs. I cried for at least 30 minutes before I relaxed. Fastforward, 2 days later. Here I am. I've barely eaten today. But I've had some fluids. I had a bit of water. And 2 cups of coffee. I ate eggs for breakfast this morning. And thts about it. I haven't eaten anything since then. Besides my stomach killing me, my day was going good up until after I got out of the shower. I just started feeling empty inside. My stomach ached more and my legs were shaking like crazy. I had the urge to beat on myself but I had some restraint bc I was playing some games with my grandmother and some family members. These numb ass feelings and waves of emotions. These mood swings this depression. I don't have the privilege to get diagnosed bc my family doesn't believe that Im depressed. They can continue to think that. But these things that I'm feeling....I don't want them anymore. I never did want them and I want them to go away. I haven't slept at all in approximately 24 hours and that shit is messing with my head. I tell people I'm fine without them realizing that I'm hurting on the inside and I'm begging for some kind of professional help.
Sometimes, I honestly think abt what life would be like if I were to kill myself. And I still do think about it. Not the best thing to have on your mind but it's there. I'm going to bed.
I'll update soon...