If He Hadn't

If He Hadn't Kissed Me

    The next thing I knew I was waking up in my bed with a mouth that felt like cotton and the worst hangover I may have ever experienced. I groaned piteously, peeping over at my digital clock. Shit. Past ten thirty. There's practice at noon. What the hell did I do last night?
    I sat up slowly, holding my head in my hands, squinting my eyes against the distressingly bright and cheery sunshine coming in through my window. Oh yeah, I got piss drunk and annoyed the fuck out of WooHyuk when he tried to take me home like a good friend. And then he kissed me.
    Wait. He kissed me? I blinked a few times. That couldn't be. But it was. I had a horrendously clear memory of his lips against mine, of his tongue caressing the inside of my mouth. And I had an even more horrendously clear memory of it feeling wonderful. I felt my face get hot.
    "Ok, ok, ok," I told myself, hyperventilating a little, "there's a good explanation for this. A perfectly good explanation." Yeah but what was it? Ok I had to work this out. Why did he kiss me? Well that was clear enough. To get me to shut up and let him go. I couldn't remember every detail clearly, but I did remember him telling me to let him go or I'd regret it. WooHyuk kind of had a weird sense of humor and I could see him thinking that being kissed by a guy would be a good punishment. I nodded my head. Yes that was it. But why had it felt so good? I mean I'm most definitely not gay, no question. I love women. I love boobs. ˇI get off to porn. I even had sex with my old girlfriend. I really loved her as well. I mean truly, with my heart I loved her and I know that I did. When she broke up with me I went home and cried like a baby for hours. I still feel sad when I think about her.
    I staggered towards the shower while contemplating this mystery. 'Maybe,' I thought, turning on the water, 'it's just cause I was drunk. My perception was skewed. Perhaps I'm not even remembering it correctly. Yeah that's it!' I nodded my head, satisfied with the answers I'd worked out.
    But still. There was practice in just under an hour. That meant I had to face WooHyuk. I could already see the smug expression that would be on his face. I groaned. Yeah I know, I probably deserve the humiliation for being such a jackass to him  last night, but knowing that wasn't going to make it any easier to bear. I put my hands over my face. How do I get myself into these situations?

    My hair was still a little damp when I entered our studio. I glanced nervously around and caught sight of WooHyuk's back. He was standing in the corner stretching. I immediately looked down, gluing my eyes to the floor as to my horror I felt my face turning bright red. I was struck with a very vivid memory of his mouth on me. Why of all the things I had to remember about last night did I have to remember that?
    "Hey Monkey Man!" HeeJun popped up behind me, as energetic as ever. I know he had a party of his own last night, so how he could be so bright was beyond me. It's like the less sleep he gets the more energy he has. I think he may be an alien.  "How was your party?" he asked, grinning ear to ear.
    "Uh well...," I scratched the back of my head nervously. From the corner of my eye I saw WooHyuk turn to look at me. I forced me eyes to stay on HeeJun. "Pretty good. I got kinda wasted though."
    "I could tell. You look like something the cat dragged in."
    "Gee thanks," I rolled my eyes but smiled none the less.
    "You're welcome!" HeeJun laughed as he bounced over to bother KangTa who had just entered.
    I shook my head with a smile. Turning to put my stuff on the bench I accidentally caught WooHyuk's eye. He was staring at me with his usual blank expression. My face got hot and I quickly looked away.
    Thankfully, nothing catastrophic happened that day. Aside from the occasional mortifying meeting of our eyes WooHyuk stayed out of my way and I certainly stayed out of his. Maybe he realized that I was embarrassed enough without him bringing anything up. Maybe he regretted what he'd done in the heat of the moment as well. I hoped so. I wanted this to blow over as soon as possible. WooHyuk was one of my closest friends and I didn't want to feel like jumping down a hole every time I looked at him. That thought kind of pissed me off. Sure I got drunk, but I never asked him to kiss me! This was all his fault really.
    I was still pissed off when I got home that night. I could hear WooHyuk in the kitchen but ignored him and went straight to my room and collapsed on my bed. I closed my eyes tight. Then I groaÅned and put my hands over my eyes, then rolled over, then rolled over again. Finally I grabbed my pillow,  held it over my face and screamed. The thing that pissed me off  the most was that I couldn't stop thinking about it. Him kissing me. I mean I just couldn't stop going over it in my head. Now if it was because it was just disgusting beyond all comprehension then I'd understand. But that wasn't the case. I kept remembering it because it felt so good.  I curled onto my side and guiltily touched my fingers to my lips. I pushed hard, trying to simulate the rough way he kissed me. It made me feel oddly excited.
    What had WooHyuk done to me?
    I spent a long restless night trying to figure what I was going to do. I was still sticking with my theory that the only reason it had felt good was because I was smashed, because any other plausible explanation was simply unacceptable. But that édidn't change the fact that I couldn't get his mouth off my mind and I had to do something or I'd go insane.
    It came to me somewhere between 3 and 4 am. A brilliant plan. I had to get WooHyuk to kiss me again. Now before anybody jumps to any conclusions, I have a very good reason for this. If WooHyuk kisses me when I'm not totally drunk then it certainly won't feel good whatsoever. Once I get my subconscious self to realize that no, I don't ACTUALLY like his kisses, I'm sure I can forget all about this incident and go on with my normal, lady-loving life.  Like I said, brilliant. Now, how do I get him to kiss me?
    My first thought was that I should annoy the fuck out of him again. He kissed me last time to shut me up, so if I bother him enough, I should get the same reaction. Right? Right. Annoying WooHyuk was easy enough. In fact I think I kind of annoyed him a lot without even meaning to. The pr}oblem was I would have to act naturally around him and with the way I was feeling just then, that was not going to be easy. Oh well. I had to at least try. I couldn't go on mooning over a guy like this forever. The ladies were waiting for me!
    I forced myself out of bed early the next morning. Like some kind of freak, WooHyuk always got up early. He ate breakfast at 7 am for God's sake. I think his species must be related to HeeJun's. Still,  I had to put my plan into action as soon as possible. I made sure I was already sitting at the breakfast table  when he came out.
    "You're up early," he said mildly, seeing me chowing down on a bowl of fruit loops.
    I nodded, staring into my bowl as though it contained untold fruit loop secrets. "Couldn't sleep," I lied.
    "Is something bothering you?" he asked unexpectedly. He's not usually the type to ask personal questions. He's seen me pra™ctically in tears before and not said a word. True though he did bring me a box of tissues.
    "Uh, kind of." I answered, trying to keep myself from turning red as I glanced up at him.
    "Well you know," WooHyuk licked his lips. He seemed oddly nervous. "You could tell me. If you needed."
    "Thanks," I answered sincerely, surprised at his kind words.
    WooHyuk nodded his head shortly and then went about preparing his own breakfast.
    'Great,' I thought. 'I can't start annoying the hell out of him now!' I fidgeted nervously in my chair. Now that my plan was out the window, I didn't know quite what to do. I had to change my tactic somehow. Maybe I could get him to put his face real close to mine and then sort of...kiss him accidentally on purpose.
    With this in mind I put my hands over my right eye and let out a dramatic wail. WooHyuk, who was frying an egg, jumped at the unexpected cry.
    "Ow ow ow! I got something in my eye!"
    WooHyuk rushed over to me and pried my hands away from my eye. I was struck with the realization that this is the reaction I expected. I mean, I never thought about it before, but though he doesn't say a lot, WooHyuk really takes care of me in his own way. And I've come to just expect that. I was sure there was some important revelation in this thought, but I couldn't quite piece it together. WooHyuk was  holding my face in his hands, using his thumbs to hold my eyelids open. It was strangely intimate and my heart started pounding. His face was very close.
    "I don't see anything," he frowned in confusion.
    "Are you sure?" I asked with a whimper. "I could have sworn there was a fruit loop crumb in there...Holy Shit!" My eyes got as round as saucers and every thought of stealing kisses fled my mind. Didn't I mention WooHyuk had been frying an egg? Well it was an egg no longer. About a foot of orange flame was shooting out of the pan. Swearing, WooHyuk let go of me and jumped up. Quickly he turned the burner off and grabbed the lid, managing to cover the flaming monstrosity, smothering it to death. Then, breathing heavily he turned to look at me. His eyes were as wide as my own.
    "Um, I think my eye is better anyway." I offered sheepishly.
    Ok. So that did NOT go as I planned. But that doesn't mean I'm giving up! In fact I already made up another plan, and it's the best yet. I'm going to pretend to be drunk. I have it planned to perfection. I have a few beers in the mini fridge in my room so after dinner tonight, I'll take a few sips and  splash some on my shirt.  It's Sunday so that means WooHyuk's going clubbing for a few hours. When he gets back he'll find me and think I'm drunk again. If I'm "drunk" I won't feel as guilty about pestering him until he snaps and smooches me again. Am I some kind of genius or what?
    I waited impatiently that evening and finally, at precisely nine o'clock it came.
    "I'm going out for awhile," WooHyuk called from the front room.
    "Ok!" I answered back from my bedroom, laughing evilly to myself as I heard him start up his car and pull out of the driveway.
    I set the scene carefully. 5 empty beer cans (pulled out of our recycling bin, no sense in wasting right?) strewn artfully across the kitchen table. One half empty in my hand. I'd be slumped˛ in my chair, maybe singing, or giggling to myself. After about 11 o'clock I settled myself in my chair to wait. An hour went by. Then two. I really did start to slump. Not from drunkenness, but from fatigue. Where the hell was he!?
    Finally, at around 2:30,  I heard him unlock the door and come in. Don't ask me how I was still awake. At this point all I could think was, 'He'd better kiss me quick so I can go to bed.' I readied my position as I heard him coming toward the kitchen. And then. Then, he turned down the hall, went into his bedroom and shut the door.
    I sat up, my mouth hanging open. Suddenly, I no longer felt tired, nor did I feel an overpowering desire to kiss WooHyuk. No,  I was pissed. After all that, he went and ruined my plan again! Ok I know it's not fair because he certainly didn't mean to catch his breakfast on fire, but still, I'd sat here suffering for hours! I stood up abruptly and marched to WooHyuk's room. I didn't have any kind of plan as to what I'd say to him, but whatever it was, he'd get an earful. I rapped on his door. After a moment the door opened and WooHyuk poked his head out. He was shirtless, his hair tousled, expression sleepy and confused.
    "Tony?" he asked. He sniffed a few times, smelling the beer I'd rubbed into my sˆhirt hours ago. "Were you drinking?"
    "No! I wasn't!" I yelled, feeling utterly frustrated with him.
    He blinked at me. "Uh, is something wrong ?"
    "Yes! Something's very wrong! And it's your fault you stupid idiot!"
    He raised his eyebrows at me but remained infuriatingly calm. "All right. Would you like tell me what I did?"
    "What you did? What you did!? You know what you did!" My chest heaved. I was seeing red. After everything I've been going through over that damned kiss, he took it so lightly that he even forgot he ever did such a thing! "You, you...you freak! You kissed me! You put your dirty lips on me!"
    WooHyuk made surprised sound. "You  remember that?" He looked nervous again.         "Of course I remember! How could I forget!?" I vented.
    He shrugged. "You passed out right after so I thought you wouldn't. Did it really upset you that much? Why didn't you say so before?"
    I stared at him, my face the color of a tomato from all my yelling. I didn't quite know how to answer that question. "I...I was embarrassed!" I finally stuttered.
    He took a step toward me. Suddenly there was the tiniest smile on his face. "You were embarrassed because I kissed you? Or you were embarrassed because you liked me kissing you?"
    "No!" I defended too quickly, taking a step back. "I...I...didn't...I wasn't...I..."
    WooHyuk's smile grew as he continued to move towards me even as I moved back. "You're a terrible liar you know. But you're so cute like this, I might have to kiss you again."
    I felt my back hit the wall on the other side of the hall. My eyes felt like they were about to pop out, my heart was beating so fast I thought it might explode. Wasn't this what I wanted? Wasn't this my perfect chance? He put his arms on either side of my head, his chest against mine, and leaned in. I squeezed my eyes shut.
    His lips brushed mine. A thrill went through my whole body. Then his mouth was firmly against me. I'd been thinking, that when he kissed me this time, I wouldn't like it. I was so wrong. If anything, it was even better than when he'd kissed me in his car. All my senses where sharp and alert and he felt so much more real. I moaned quietly and his tongue found its way into my mouth. He pressed against me, pushing me harder against the wall. My fingers gripped at his shoulders. There was something so inexplicably wonderful about the fact that his chest was hard and flat against mine. I whimpered and pushed back against him. What else could I do? I couldn't deny that I wanted him.
    When he pulled away, I was panting. I put my forehead on his shoulder.
    "Tony," he whispered in my ear. "It's ok that I like you like this right?"
    Dazedly, I nodded my head. "As long as it's ok that I like you back," I replied. He grinned in response and kissed me again.
    Don't ask me how it's possible to go from thinking of someone as just a friend to realizing you're probably in love with them in 48 hours. I do realize now that I didn't fall in love with him because he kissed me, even though I sort of thought that at first. Rather, I'd come to love him over time but simply never  thought of that as a possibility until then. Or maybe his kiss sparked desire for him in me, which turned my platonic love for him into something more. Fate's weird. Even though we live together and see each other all the time, if he hadn't kissed me that day, we might not ever have found each other like this. Whatever the case, I know that kissing him is right, and  I know from somewhere deep down that my feelings on that matter won't be changing for a very long time.