through his eyes | h.hj & l.fl

vii. sorry.

felix pushed his face further to the crook of hyunjin's neck, adamant to the obvious heat that spread through the fairness of hyunjin's skin and the bolus that formed right inside his throat, tempting him to scowl at the overwhelming feeling. hyunjin feels like his head is going to burst, his ears are going to fall off and his chest, oh his chest, how can felix remain calm while his chest roars inside that lone room?

felix was always touchy and cuddly. he seems to find comfort when skin touches his very own, tucked inside someone's arms and though seasons are divided into phases of warmth and cold, felix would always find ways to touch someone. just like this midnight.

"lix, it's hot," hyunjin didn't want to impose, but the way felix was caressing his bare neck and pushing his weight to hyunjin's torso were all summing up to this certain feeling that hyunjin didn't want to put a name.

they were supposed to watch a movie or an anime for that matter. but felix managed to turn that tide around and be caught up in hyunjin's long limbs and frowning face. the pain in his face was evident, the curiosity and also the love— wait, the what? hyunjin couldn't believe it himself either. in felix's eyes were the admiration that his mouth couldn't bother speaking, the way his eyelashes flutter and make butterflies shy away from their existence, the way his freckles, the charming point, one that felix hated the most, are placed casually around and on his face, traveling downward his cheeks, to his neck and now to his collarbones—hyunjin could see all of them.

"you are wearing tank top, hyunjin. what are you saying?"

all he's been saying is that he's drowning.

drowning in this feeling that does not seem to subside and will probably not subside any sooner. he's drowning in this long list of what to love about felix and why he should be loved, together with the list of why he shouldn't love felix and how wrong everything was.

how wrong it was for a mere idol like him to be feeling things for his co-member, for his friend, and how wrong it was to ask felix to feel the same way that he is feeling right now.

"you're right above me, lix. your body heat it adding up to mine and it's really hot."

although the room was dark and only the light from felix's computer was illuminating them, hyunjin who was staring too hard at the blank ceiling knew that felix was smiling. he didn't know if it was because of the fact that he memorized felix's facial features down to those usual exposed skin, or because it was of the fact that felix locked his hips in between his knees and purred over his face with a slight pout, his hair dangling around his very beautiful face, looking like the entire galaxy that hyunjin was ready to be sunk in.

too whipped.

"you're too confusing for me to read, hyunjin."

i know, felix. i know.

and i am sorry if i am.

i am sick of myself too.

"one day you're going to rub your face all over me and then push me away like i'm nothing. don't get me wrong, i understand you, i always do, but what the fuck is happening to you?"

right.

what's happening to him?

he didn't want to be like this either, felix, trust him. he didn't even imagine himself to be waking up every single day, searching for your good morning messages and late night messages asking him to take care of himself and feel pretty and important afterwards like the group's fans didn't do it enough. he didn't even think that one day he'll dance with all of you, singing, rapping, practicing a certain song only for his eyes to watch you wipe your sweat, watch your hands brush your hair and watch you mouth drink water.

he didn't even know that he was falling, so now, he fell.

"i'm sorry, felix. i just don't know what to do—"

"with what, hyunjin? with what?"

with me, with you, with myself and yourself, with the group, with my shit and most importantly, with my love for you.

you are his angel, his mythical creature, his fairy, the elf, the baby and the babe. you're everything that all pet names his mind could think of stands for. you're his everything, the everything and one mistake, just one, could lead to his everything becoming his nothing.

so he's really sorry, felix.

please, accept him.

"with my performance for next week. it's been a while since i danced alone without you."

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