unfortunately, me

and now

I still wonder why you chose me
to latch onto like a parasite
you'd blame me for every fight
say you just want it to go back to the way it was before
before what?
before I grew up?
realized you treated me not as a friend but a tool
an object to be used and forgotten until you needed it again
before what?
before I summoned the strength to escape from your grasp and live not for you or anyone else
to live for myself
before what?
before I understood that you just weren't right for me
pulling me under in waves of self doubt
you left me to drown
and now...

I ache for your voice
your companionship
for before all of this we were friends
were we friends?
when did you begin to abuse me
to use me only for your own ends
what ever happened?
when was this transition between childhood friends and abused and abuser
I don't understand
I dont think I ever will
so all I can do is ponder...
was it your fault or mine?
am I to blame?
that doesn't make sense, but what do I know?
not enough
thats one thing I'm sure of, I'm left in the dark
I'll never understand your thoughts
motivation
explanation
I'll never know why you became who you are
I'll never have closure from this
you revoke your affection like it's a prize to be won
making me wonder what on earth I've done
to deserve the isolation
yet you give no explanation
once again leaving me on my own
eternally alone

and I miss you
even though you broke me and shattered my mind
I miss you because I depended on that
no friends of mine now are like you
theres a hole that should never be filled
a spot for somebody to take control of my strings
and endlessly pull me around
but no
you're gone
I'll probably never see you again
and I'm glad
and endlessly sad
because I wish I'd been a better friend

First written a while ago, I don't remember. But I'm feeling like this again so here it is - Soap, November 23, 2020