The Quagmires

Chapter 10: The Evil Exercise

"I know things can seem less peppy since our athletes, cheerleaders and beloved gym teacher mysteriously vanished on the way home from that game," announced the horrid vice principal. "But Prufrock Preparatory School has a motto. It's 'memento mori'. And it's an ancient Greek saying..."

"Latin," corrected Violet and Klaus together.

"...which means, 'Remember, you will die. And soon, indeed, the sun will set, the fiery orb of life,  leaving me alone!" he yelled dramatically. "Alone! Alone!" he continued, looking up into the sky, which caused Carmelita Spats to do the same although she was relatively confused. "Until, of course," he began suddenly, "you meet someone who truly understands and supports you with friendship, camaraderie and cash bribes. Our gym teacher was irreplaceable, but I have found someone I know who can fill her shoes." Two white-faced, identical women walked from behind the stage, holding a large, round board with the school motto printed onto it. "And, now, please welcome to the stage, a man with no resume, no letters of recommendation, no credit history," he went on. Duncan took out his commonplace book and a small pencil and began to write down 'COUNT OLAF HERE'. "But with such a marvelous ear for music that I've hired him as the newest member of our faculty!" A man in a nurse gown walked up beside him smiling widely. He made vice principal Nero yelp, "No, no, not you. No." He quickly made the smile disappear from his face. Duncan tried to hand Violet his commonplace book but was stopped by Mr. Remora who closed it in his hands, making him sit back in retreat. "Your new gym teacher, Coach Genghis!" Vice principal Nero pointed his violin stick at the large, round, board from which a familiar figure ripped through.

"Count Olaf," sighed both Violet and Klaus. Count Olaf was wearing a red jumper and white boots, with a white turban on his head. All of these covered all his distinguishable features. Right then, a newspaper from the daily punctilio was dropped near the youngest Baudelaire, Sunny. The Baudelaire children turned towards it to see a headline of 'OLAF NOWHERE NEARBY'.

"So much to learn, and I am here to school you," declared Count Olaf with a fake accent, only adding to his disguise as Coach Genghis. Everyone began to cheer as the Quagmires looked at him in disgust and the Baudelaires looked at him in fright and hatred. "I love the energy! I love it!" he chuckled.

"Okay everyone, settle down," calmed vice principal Nero. The entire crowd heeded him.

"Settle down?" said Coach Genghis in surprise. "Do you hear what Vice Principal Shapiro just said?"

"Nero."

"Settle down. How often I hear those words come out of people's ears and into my mouth. 'Settle,' a word which here means 'settling for less,' and 'down,' my personal least favorite direction. Let me tell you a story..."

The Quagmires weren't interested in Coach Genghis's, I meant Count Olaf's, story. They were drowning in thought of how to help the Baudelaires in any way they can. Duncan wished he had tried harder to warn them, and he was trying to think of ways to expose Count Olaf. Isadora was worried about Klaus, he seemed sensitive and she couldn't bare the thought of losing him. Before they could find ways to help their friends, Count Olaf was standing right beside them and the Baudelaires. All five orphans gave him dirty looks as he told his story. 

"...she died in a mysterious fire," he smirked.  Isadora looked at him worryingly as the rest of the children looked at him with a mixture of disgust and hatred. 

"Wait, what?" asked vice principal Nero in great confusion.

"Settling down is what losers do," continued Count Olaf as he walked away from the Quagmires and the Baudelaires.

"But the woman you were talking about-"

"Settling down is what started World War one."'

"Okay, but the story you were telling, you were just-"