Four

Part 1

I don't normally write down my thoughts in plain text. I'm a songwriter you see. I find some sort of strength in hiding the pain that I've been enduring, so I mask my confessions with rhymes and riddles. It's a wonderful way to cope because...

Just because.

But it doesn't work anymore. I listen to the recordings of my voice, my music, on loop sometimes. And suddenly I realise that I'm not human. What human could possibly hide so many secrets? So much suffering. So much sorrow.

ONE

When you have a dozen problems locked inside a building constructed at the back of your mind, you get pretty good with compartmentalization. You get pretty good with locks. I think that was how I ended up running into the burning buildings of people's mind and showing them the way out. It was easy because... I'm familiar with the structures of neglect.

I only cry when I watch movies. Especially when the story involves friends or family members fighting for each other. But I don't always have the time to watch a movie. So I keep it in.

I'm a saviour! I tell myself.

I'm a hero. I'm sure that I deserve a medal for all the things I've done for others. But I didn't do it to save them. I did it to save me. I wanted to practice running into my own building if it ever caught fire. But no amount of fireproofing could save me from drowning in helplessness. Now, I only cry when I'm in the shower.

I've practiced in front of the mirror so I know how to cry without making a face. I also know which thoughts and problems make my eyes turn red, so I stop crying about those.