SAVE US [draco malfoy]

001

Dear diary,

Sometimes I blame my mother for the way things turned out. But I know I can't truly do that because she did what she had to to survive. Did what she needed to to protect us. To protect us from my dad.

But I can't help but think if this was the best way.

Because now I sit in the Malfoy manor, each day and night whilst I'm not in hogwarts with the company of the dark lord.

And what do you expect me to do?

Run? Curse him? Jump off a cliff?

Have a duel with someone on the edge of the black lake in the garden of the Malfoy manor and end up falling in and dying leaving their daughter with everlasting trauma?

No. I can't do anything except be stuck. Be stuck with the image of my mother falling off the edge, knowing it was all my fault.

Mother, if you are watching me, I want you to know that I'm so terribly sorry. So sorry. Sorry sorry sorry. Because I killed you. It was my fault. I wanted to duel with you. I didn't warn you enough about the edge. I didn't know Id be the one to kill you. I'm so sorry. It's my fault.

I also want you to know that I'm nothing without you. Nothing.

Because you were my light, you were my family, you made my want to wake up in the morning, rather than stay in bed, wishing my dad wasn't alive, wishing I wasn't alive.

But now I'm stuck here.

I don't eat. I don't talk. I just exist. Just exist because without you I am nothing.

And there's nothing I wouldn't do to bring you back to life. Nothing.

And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Because the way I feel now?

It's awful. Awful.

I can't even feel most things. My emotions don't work properly. My head doesn't think properly. My body doesn't function properly. My stomach can't handle food properly. It's all gone down hill. My whole life. And I'd like to begin to start, but if I do, I don't think it'll ever end.

I don't feel sad though. I don't really feel anything.

I'm just numb.

And there's nothing anyone can say to fix that. Only you mother.

Only you.

But what's the point anymore?

It all just seems like an endless cycle.

An endless cycle of waking up and going back to bed.

But that's life for me.

It's bored me to death already.

Actually, bored isn't the correct word... It's murdered me inside out, traumatising me at any given moment. Pulling my heart out of my chest, slicing it in half and shoving it back in, pieces all mangled.

If this was a murder scene it would be a right morbid one. Gory. Blood everywhere. And not the watered down blood which comes from a paper cut, or biting your tongue. The type which comes when your flesh is sliced into. The thick shit. The thick crimson blood which stains everywhere.

It stains and doesn't go away. Because even when you think it's gone, you can still see the outline, but when you look closer it's not just the outline, it's the whole fucking thing. Because the outline may be the only visible thing, but the rest of it is still very present in your mind. Right at the front of it.

The place where nightmares stay right before you go to bed, scaring you into staying up all night.

But I suppose my life is a nightmare right?

A living nightmare.

Effy