Age of Disorder By Omlette The Cheese Danish ( OmletteDanish )
Chapter 1 Ronen (Chapter Title)
Science Fiction Fantasy (Genre)
The Hunt (Themes)
Third Person Past (consistent)
Suspense level (🌝🌝🌚🌚🌚)
---------------- 11.20.2020 -----------
Hello
Thank you for letting me read your first chapter. Things to look for in a first chapter.
- clear genre (Science Fiction Fantasy)
- clear time period (Unknown, Alternative Universe)
- clear MC (Ronen)
- few characters introduced (Too Many : Ronen, Kirov, Arah, Xander)
- tension / suspense (somewhat low)
- a life-changing event / decision (yes)
There's nothing really wrong with this chapter except for the areas influenced by the youth of the author. Repetition, stilted descriptions, unrelated banter (short but there). Despite all that, any fan of this genre could easily enjoy this book.
For someone like myself, a casual reader, who can take it or leave it, I'd only leave it because some aspects would jump out, dragging me from the story. The shortcomings are all easy fixes, however: eliminate adverbs, reduce Filter Words, show just a 'tad' bit more, reduce the movements of the MC. Rearrange the introduction of information.
A good editor could get this out of the way rather quickly and without much effort. A bad editor, however, will be this nice chapter's undoing.
What do I mean about the introduction of information? Well, I know more about this guy's ears than I know about the station. I don't know if it's mostly for shops and commerce or it's like an airport. I don't know what he looks like and what all the other aliens look like either. I usually don't care but as this is an alien, it matters.
As of now, the repetition is the biggest problem but, again, that's an easy fix with a strict editor.
If you found this critique useful at all, please consider giving it a shout out. Also, please check out the FIRST DATES chapter in this book. Help the first dates out there. For help formatting and editing, check out the TUTORIAL pages and FREE RESOURCES for more information.
P.S. I rudely redid your cover.
YOU ARE READING
Manuscript Critique: a Comprehensive Guide
Non-FictionCritiques, reviews, video tutorials, promos and more. Receive an in-depth critique of your first chapter. Find out what works and what doesn't. This is an honest and fair assessment aimed to help you polish your work. I've taught English for fourte...
