Between a death and a hard place

Devoid

All I see is black, not the sort of black that one might imagine, like the blackness of a lightless winter's night. No. The blackness that I see is that of the constant emptiness of nothing. I look down to my hands, but cannot see them, they are there, I feel them, but I cannot see them. I stretch out my hand hoping to find something that I can grab a hold of but I find just empty space before me. I take my first step, trying to discover some way out of the darkness, but I feel no ground beneath my feet. My feet are there, I can feel them as well as I felt my hands, but nothing that they make contact with. No earth beneath my feet.

Another attempt to move appears unfruitful. Twisting and turning I thrash about like I am in a pool but there is no water, only my empty void of absolute nothingness. Determined I try over and over but I cannot help myself, I feel no movement and the hopelessness starts to set in. Movement has failed me but before I can accept defeat I scream out, hoping that someone else is here in the darkness with me, someone that can help me, explain to me where I am, what this place is. I scream as loud as I can, I feel the air rushing from my body but alas. No sound. "What is this place?" I ask myself, the voice in my mind is so clear that I believe I hear it. "Help me" I scream again, but still no sound falls upon my ears.

"What is this place?" I ask myself again, knowing now that the voice inside me is the only one that I have. I must not give up, I must continue to thrash about, make noise and hope that I can find a way out. I do not know if it is a minute or an hour, a day or a month, there is no time in this void of mine.

Defeated, I fall back, or at least I think that I do, I have no sense of my movements anymore. Accepting my fate, that I will live in this void forever. Then like an arrow to my heart I have the daunting realization.

"I am dead"

The words form in my mind; however, it is my ears that hear them. The tears begin to well behind my eyes but with them comes a small glimmer of light. My realization has allowed me to see more clearly. With my new found senses I start to feel the floor beneath my feet, the wind on my face and as I reach out my hand, I feel something. Still I am unsure of what, but at least now I am not alone, well not as hopelessly alone as I had been before. I take this chance to call out, and in the distance, I hear someone call back, an echo? Another lost soul? It doesn't matter, I am not alone. The knowledge that I am dead has given me the chance to exist again, to live. The contradiction is lost on me, that this is how I feel again, instead I find myself happy that I exist at all.

As my sight becomes clearer, I notice the shadows of people that I know scurrying about in front of me, busy living their lives. They do not see me. Why would they? I am dead after all. I try to interact but they do not see me, hear me or even feel my presence. "This prison is worse" I call to myself, before I did not exist, this world did not exist. Now. I do not exist but the world around me does, there but out of reach. I close my eyes and find myself hoping to feel the void again but nothing changes, the emptiness is inside me now. I need it not to be, I need it to be out of me, all around me. Now I have a new problem, how do I get the void out? I ask for help but I receive none, I grab ahold of passers by hoping they can show me the way, but no matter what I try they ignore me. Panicked, I want my void back, better to feel nothing at all than this emptiness, and then I see it, a small key lying on a table. A way out. I pick up the key and to my surprise the keyhole appears on my arm, I know this is how I release the void. I slot the key into its receptacle, twist open the lock and with it the sweet release of the void washes over me. "I am back where I belong" I tell myself as I slide into nothingness this time free of the loneliness, free of my feelings.

"I am dead"