Abstracted, Asunder

SIX

I sat in that dining room chair for hours watching video after video. After one hour, I had so many tabs open that I couldn't open any more.

I blocked out all of the thoughts that I had because most of them were denouncing my actions and essentially contradicting them. The others were simply wasting my time.

At around two o'clock, I get a text. So into the video I've found, I consider swiping it away, but I think better about it.

Isaura

Can you open the door for me ? Almost home , forgot my key .

My mind races. I close safari and run to the door, looking out to an empty driveway and an empty street. I quickly unlock the door and take the stairs two at a time in my haste. When I make it to my room, I look out into the street, again. It's still clear and I send Isaura a reply.

I unlocked it
Abt to get in the shower

With my phone in one hand, I reopen Safari and begin flicking the tabs to the left so they can disappear. With my right hand, I take the things I'll need to shower to the bathroom.

When I have the three tabs I had open from yesterday - a Wikipedia article, a music video, and a blank tab - I click on Private again to take it off.

Another text from Isaura comes in.

Good look

I roll my eyes and flick away the message so I can click on the two tabs that still have gray titles. When they reload, their refreshed white titles looking normal, I calm down.

I set my phone on my bed and get into the bathroom when I see a car pull up and let Isaura out.

I take off my clothes and leave my panties on while I set up the shower water to a temperature just below skin-scorching.

Not long after, the mirror begins to fog up. I take a look at myself and just feel disgusted.

It's nothing new.

It's a cycle, really. I go a while without porn. One random day comes where I feel the need to watch it... so I do. After watching for hours in search of the "perfect" video to satiate me, I go to take a shower. As per usual, I become utterly disgusted by the amount of slimy-slick discharge left in my panties.

I'll avoid porn for a short time.

Then I'll be back.

But that's only because I want to. And though I'm disgusted and know that it will probably end up happening again - the cycle, I mean - I tell myself it won't and I move on for maybe a month or a few, brushing this issue under the rug, because, honestly, what would people think of me if this skeleton somehow managed to make its way out of my closet?