Hope And Faith ✓

14. Faith

To try and forget.

But there's little to nothing you can forget about when I would be going back in Lord knows how soon.

••

Sleep never came back no matter how hard I had tried so I settled for looking at the ceiling till it the sun came up.

I dragged myself out of my bed and picked my phone from my nightstand. I scrolled through it seeing messages. They were few but when I saw one from Hope I ignored it.

I was supposed to be spending the next few days resting, I didn't have much time left.

I brushed my teeth and showered. I wasn't in the mood for a dress-up so I pulled on a comfortable grey jumpsuit and wore my slippers.

I already planned my day. Eat, sleep, watch television, bump into my brothers and sleep, all on repeat. I had no trouble enjoying the routine, it was plain and boring but for once I didn't mind. I didn't have to leave my house.

"Morning Faith!" Chase greeted me as he walked into the kitchen and I grumbled in response. There was no need to tell them anything, everything was already going to be alright. At least, according to him.

He opened the fridge to grab an apple them bit it. I watched him oddly as I played with my breakfast cereal.

So much for don't play with your food.

"Hey Chase," I called for him and he looked up from his phone. "Has Mom called you guys? I mean, she usually calls now and then so. . ."

"Yeah, she has. I guess she gave up when you never wanted to talk to her," I knew his words were honest and he had the slight intention of making me feel guilty.

But was it wrong that I felt nothing?

She was my mother yet she made me feel more like a burden, or an unwanted obligation.

"Cool," I shrugged. Chase wanted to say more, it was obvious. But he was doing one thing Mom never had to courtesy to do.

Respect me.

Hours later and I was wishing to be in Sam's office which was impossible because it was a weekend and I wasn't sure she'd be willing to see me.

I wanted to bury myself.

I groaned for the millionth time and looked at myself in the mirror. I was Faith Jennings. Nothing else, just that girl that received both pitiful and hateful looks from everyone around her.

I had grew up with Christian parents. They used to be bearable. I could stand them, but growing up both my religion and my love for my parents were constantly questioned.

I believed in God but I didn't. I believed in miracles but I didn't. They always told me that if I prayed to God things would get better, even he knows how hard I prayed, how much time I spent reading the Bible. Hoping that maybe one day he'd listen to my prayers. I believed in him.

I believe that I needed to have both Hope and Faith for them to come to pass.

They never did though. It was either he didn't exist or he just ignored me.

"Do you believe in miracles? Or God? Your mother said you did," Sam had asked me in our last session.

I clenched my jaw. "She knows nothing about me," Sam played with her pen, I was avoiding the question.

"I was told that your religion is something that needs to be talked about. You barely talk to anyone. No one except Melody knew you. Gymnastics aside. And only you know what happened that night."

I glared at her. "You don't believe I'm innocent do you?" Sam had a straight face on as I snarled at her.

"Of course I do, Faith—"

"No, you don't! You only think you believe me because you're getting paid to tell me all this bullshit!" I fumed but Sam looked calm. She even smiled.

"That isn't true, Faith. Your name has a lot more meaning than you think," she changed the subject smoothly. "Religion wise, intellect wise and of course. . . Socially, your name is a lot more than you give it credit for. I need you to be honest with yourself, not me. Do you really think that things can get better if you have a little faith?"

I groaned and stared at my bathroom mirror. I had faith. For a very long time. But lost it because it wasn't worth it anymore.

Maybe if my faith would have worked I wouldn't be here. I would be with Melody watching a movie on Netflix.

I would be back home signing up for another gymnastic tournament.

I could be with my cousin's teaching them how to dance.

But life doesn't work according to plan. You could believe all you want and it would still be the same.

I felt tears at the corner of my eyes but I blinked them away. For my sake. For Mel's sake.

And once again, I disappointed myself by being honest.

"I hate myself. I want to find a reason for living but I can't and I feel so fucking worthless. And I want to be anywhere but here. I want to be happy but I'm too much of a disappointment to be that either."

I didn't realise I was grabbing the sink with a killer grip until my knuckles started to ache. I looked down to see them pale white.

I whined in agony. I was lonely in this world and my antidepressants weren't working anymore. They didn't make me feel empty like they normally did. Now they did nothing.

I sniffed still refusing to cry and left my bathroom. It was connected to my room so it was easy. My phone was laying on my bed and I flopped on the bed and grabbed the phone.

We were supposed to be on a fucking house arrest yet they were nowhere to be found.

I sighed and switched my phone on. The message from Hope that I had tagged irrelevant suddenly got me curious. Once my finger tapped on her name I wasn't sure if I had made a mistake.

You're always doing this, walking away. Now you're ignoring. Let's end this once and for all. No more secrets. No more lies. And definitely let's quit you ignoring me.

I inhaled deeply.

••

Ayy, Nanowrimo can be so hard. . .

Oh well, scroll up to the next chapter!

Oh, you dropped your skittles—

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Bye!!!

~Mimi x