In the name of success

Chapter 3: Defeated

For the first time in my life I felt really alone, although I had my night visitor coming in and out every night. Many times I was too sound asleep to even notice him coming, other times he immediately crushed after reaching the bed. There was no exact time when he’ll come, but there was always my anticipation followed by excitement when he did show up and finally disappointment when he vanished before the first sunlight. Almost like if his visits would be only a dream.

I looked at twenty dollar banknote resting on the nightstand next to my head while I was still lying in bed, slowly waking up. That banknote was the only reminder that Senon did come home last night. He always tried not to wake me up – even more, he tried so damn hard not to wake me that he never hugged or kissed me while I was asleep. Banknote was my daily allowance from him until I would find my job here, but it always felt as if he would pay me to sleep with him.

On some mornings I actually wished that would be the case. After spending over a month here with Sen, he not even once touched me in that way. I tried to understand but failed over and over again. First I thought that he is just shy, so I tried to give the first initiative. I tried with sexy lingerie. Once I even waited for him under the blanket, naked. But the next second he always hurried with covering me up or even left the room and didn’t want to return until I would be “decent” again as he called it. I also tried making him naked first, seducing him with kisses. And he was kissing me back, his kisses on my lips felt amazingly good and we couldn’t stop until we were both out of breath, but as soon as I started unbuttoning his shirt or undoing his belt, he stopped and excused himself to the bathroom.

I started becoming desperate. I asked him over and over again about it, but reply was always, that he is too tired, that he just needs to finish this big project at work and then things will be better and we will have more time and then he’ll make up to me for all these days back. His reply didn’t make me less anxious, it made me just more worried that perhaps he has an affair with another woman at work. Every day without him and our time together brought that idea more and more to life.

Finally, after the third night of my relentless crying and begging, he announced that his project is over and that he’ll take me out the next day to prove to me that days will be different from now on. I immediately got a huge smile on my face and hugged him. We, women, usually in general tend to too quickly forget and forgive past bad behaviours of men when we are in love. But I was happy at that moment and didn’t even mind when he immediately went to sleep after that. Tomorrow will be a new day…

As I was standing in front of the mirror, preparing myself for dinner, I kept wondering, why both men in my life treated me as a side dish – someone who is always waiting for them at home when they go around and do their things. I wanted to be the main dish. But I was afraid, afraid if I also go around and do my things that we won’t spend much time together and love will definitely end. But are then his things more important than mine?

I know I never had a high self-esteem, I was never beautiful enough or sexy or smart enough, I was always wondering what guys see in me. When I was still in school, I was always that shy girl in the back, alone, that no one knew much about or cared to know. In general, nothing was wrong with me, I was tall and thin with super white skin – sometimes I reminded people of ghosts, my over-the-shoulders long straight brown hair also seems to be ok and my dark brown eyes are just normal, maybe a little small. Well there are some fifty freckles on my cheeks, at least the last time I counted them – some people love them, but others always remind me that they look dreadful and that I should try to erase them. But I always felt a bit awkward around not so well known people, I was afraid of saying something wrong, so most of the time I just stayed quiet, listening what others have to say. But more than anything, I wanted to show them, to all the people around me, that I’ll succeed in my life, that I’ll become the owner of millions and that I’ll be the trend setter. Just at the moment I feel so lost here in Bangkok.